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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why does this bother me?

244 replies

Arieal · 05/12/2017 19:15

A manager at work, (who can be difficult but haven't known her long, so trying to get on with her) has a thing where she will ask me how I am and I say 'fine' as you do, and she will reply 'I'm sorry?' in the snootiest way and make me repeat myself so I feel inferior and silly? It's such an innocuous question with only a bland reply expected so why do this... I do have a quiet voice but she manages to hear what else I say.. Am I being silly about this or does anyone else understand what I mean.

OP posts:
Arieal · 05/12/2017 19:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

becotide · 05/12/2017 19:54

I can see why she gets annoyed with you.

BreakfastAtStephanies · 05/12/2017 19:54

YANBU - I fucking hate this question. Can't really be bothered answering it either. My manager asks me this and I just think for goodness sake, if I wasn't fine I wouldn't be at work, would I ? I'd have called in sick. I am at the point of telling her that I would like her to assume I am fine as a default setting, and if that is not the case I will update her, just so she doesn't ask anymore.

MirriVan · 05/12/2017 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rainbowandraindrops67 · 05/12/2017 19:56

I can see why you are unemployed! Please take some of the feedback on this thread on board - next time you see her say ‘I’m very well thank you, how are you?’ In a bold, loud enough voice whilst looking her in the eye. Your social skills are holding you back.

gingergenius · 05/12/2017 19:56

Op I'm inclined to think it's six of one and half a dozen of the other.

Italiangreyhound · 05/12/2017 19:57

Yes, I would say "I'm fine, thanks, and you."

But I find this all a bit annoying, especially with the parents in the playground. They walk past and say 'How are you?' but there is barely time for a 'fine' before they are out of earshot (if they are going in opposite direcions!). Hello would just be easier. Or Good morning.

NC4now "Well, from what you’ve written, no. It sounds like you are being stand offish." I don't think that necessarily. But she might be. Or she may just like pulling people up on how they speak!

Either she is hard of hearing, so speak up a bit.
Or she thinks you should ask how she is, so do that. But to be honest it seems quite silly, no one really replies how they really feel, do they!
Or get in their first and always ask her how she is first time you see her in any day and note how she replies. *Resist temptation to say 'I'm sorry', (which isn't the correct phrase when you don't hear someone, it should be 'Pardon')!

"Nothing wrong with telling the consultant you’re exhausted, or looking forward to going home, or whatever." I don't agree if one were at work, I think saying you can't wait to get home when you are at work is a bad idea.

Original poster
Arieal · 05/12/2017 19:58

At last someone understands... also she will ask how is your job search going, and I'm like yeah amazing, fantastic, my whole reason for living... I'm still coming here to see you so obviously it's shit.

OP posts:
Originalfoogirl · 05/12/2017 19:59

So, at the job centre, you leave your manners at the door?

Her job is literally to help you in to work, (although I am confused because she started out as a manager at work but now is your work coach?) and that includes making sure you know how to respond to a greeting in a formal situation.

If I go to a work meeting and am meeting people,for the first or second or fifteenth time, I will always ask how they are. It is good manners and puts people at ease with you.

becotide · 05/12/2017 19:59

Oh I understand. But the problem really is you.

She's trying to HELP you and you're too stuck up your own mardy arse to see it.

bigralbohning2 · 05/12/2017 20:00

this is such an intresting talk!

Original poster
Arieal · 05/12/2017 20:00

The consultant again? I was watching my son have seizures all night and was terrified and on my own, no family support. Nothing wrong with an experienced consultant having a bit of kindness and understanding ...

OP posts:
Original poster
Arieal · 05/12/2017 20:01

I'm unemployed because I was seriously ill with depression.

OP posts:
MissionItsPossible · 05/12/2017 20:02

They're crawling out of the woodwork tonight! MNHQ are going to be busy.

CommanderDaisy · 05/12/2017 20:02

I hate the "I'm sorry?" comment.

If I'm as irritated as you are, my response tends to be "Why? What are you sorry for? or 'Why? What did you do?". Drop that in the conversation.

gingergenius · 05/12/2017 20:02

@Arieal in my experience consultants have often been less than fluffy. Don't take it personally.

Fauchelevent · 05/12/2017 20:04

Everyone I’ve spoken to who is out of work and claiming ESA has reported that these people go out their way to make them feel shit.

It’s not nice to kick someone when they are down amd saying “i can see why you’re unemployed” meanness for the sake of being MN cool. OP is a PERSON.

It must be shitty OP. I know how it feels to feel belittled. There are people who behave this way just for the kick. Fuck ‘em. There but for the grace of god etc

Myusername101 · 05/12/2017 20:05

I go to the jobcentre once a month, I wish my adviser lady asked how i am, mine just holds her hands out for my childcare form does some typing and then says "you're done" That is a rude jobcentre lady not yours OP

Katedotness1963 · 05/12/2017 20:05

I wouldn't just say "fine" without "thanks" and "how are you today?"

To just say "fine" and follow it with silence sounds rude and... I'm not sure but a little PA?

Original poster
Arieal · 05/12/2017 20:06

I didn't take the consultant personally about that so much, what he said about the stroke was much worse but proved he was an arse.

OP posts:
DeadGood · 05/12/2017 20:07

“She's an adult like you are, she's not your teacher and you're not a child. It seems like she's trying to remind you that you have adult social obligations in a meeting interaction, and mustn't just mumble "Yeah fine" from under your fringe.

She wants the same greeting you would give an interviewer, who may also ask you how you are, and she doesn't want your response to ever be "Yeah fine"

So next time, good eye contact, big smile, and match the volume of her voice. No mumbling, it's infuriating and rude to mutter at people. I get that you're quiet naturally, but it's not appropriate in this situation to minimise social interaction just because you don't like it.”

Excellent post becotide

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 05/12/2017 20:08

I literally don't think I'm capable of not asking the same question back, if someone asks how I am. It's totally ingrained, never even realised it until this thread!

Original poster
Arieal · 05/12/2017 20:09

I know, I have said 'I'm sorry' when someone has said something horrible, it's what you do, but believe me it's really not expected of you at the jobcentre to ask after the health of your advisor. Next time she does it I will just act blank and not repeat my 'I'm fine thanks'.

OP posts:
DeadGood · 05/12/2017 20:10

“*Resist temptation to say 'I'm sorry', (which isn't the correct phrase when you don't hear someone, it should be 'Pardon')!”

Actually “pardon” is considered “incorrect” (non-U) by many.

Confused24 · 05/12/2017 20:12

Does your work coach know your son has been very ill and that you have no support? I wouldn’t take the how are you/fine thing as a form of attack. When my staff used to tell me they were fine and I could see they weren’t I would reply with something similar to see if they would repeat or tell the truth. If they repeat I would carry on as if nothing was wrong as it was clear they wernt ready to talk