Father to be refused access to nhs classes

[Anditstartsagain]

I have a friend having her second baby she doesn't want to go to the classes on offer with the nhs but her dp does as this is his first baby. She works in a job in the city centre and getting time off is not easy he is self employed based from home so can easily attend.

Obviously given these circumstances they told the midwife he would attend without her and they were told no. When questioned she said that the classes were mainly for the mum and other mums to be may feel uncomfortable with an unaccompanied man (seriously). If she signs up he can come along.

He is furious I kind if agree that it's not really fair he misses out because she doesn't want to go and couldn't really get there anyway. I personally never bothered with the classes but feel all parents should have the option. What do you all think?

When I read the OP I thought 'why shouldn't he be allowed to go on the course by himself?' But from reading others comments I think the classes probably very depending on area.

Mine was almost all couples, only 1 or 2 women came on their own. Every class was a video or PowerPoint presentation and then the people running the classes came round to each couple individually to answer any questions. A lot of content was aimed at how the birth partner could support the woman during labour and afterwards. We had a whole class based around newborn care and another where the men were taken off to a separate room so the women were free to discuss anything they might not otherwise feel comfortable saying. Definitely no pretending to be in labour (thank god). I think a lone male partner would be fine in that sort of class.

Having said all that, if the mw is saying no then it's clearly not that kind of class and he is being unreasonable to be furious over it. I think he should just find the information out elsewhere.

Okay, I won't speak for anyone else, but I suggested she go to early care classes, because she didn't need antenatal classes.

But whatever happens in this particular case, I've got to say I'm still shocked and genuinely really confused by all the nastiness on this thread towards a guy whose only crime is wanting to be an involved father.

And when I go the erectile disfunction group, I'm going to tell the guys that I just want to be an involved partner. I just want to advocate for my DH when his wang goes wrong and he's too distressed to do it himself.

I think it's sweet he wants to go and they probably shouldn't have said no. Whilst I understand it might seem
A bit weird he would have the chance to explain his wife couldn't make it but he still wanted to come etc which should be allowed

The classes i went to were not solely about the birth. They included information about SIDS, about feeding and care in the early days. Maybe it's different in my part of the woods, but it was not - and ideally shouldn't be, despite what some people here seem to think - only about the mother. Even so, a father wanting to understand the process, be involved and help in any way he can is a good thing.

What's the betting half of the people saying he shouldn't be allowed to attend would be the first shouting ltb if he forgot to wash a mug one evening. People can't have it both ways.

To be an involved partner, he can:
listen to his partner and respect her wishes;
do whatever she asks him to do during labour;
hit the internet/books/OBEM and learn as much as he can.
Take responsibility for his own learning.

There is no need for him to sit in on women attending the NHS class for patients about to undergo labour. If it's as shit as the OP says, he will learn more from the resources I have listed. If he really is furious and thinks he is being branded a perv because he is not welcome as a lone male is indicative of serious male entitlement who thinks it is all about him.

Tbf op its not on if you already cleared this with the company and they sent someone who was uncomfortable and refused it thats bad on the company part they should have explained it to the driver before he showed up.

Oops wrong thread sorry

"They can. They can expect someone to be a competent and responsible father while not accepting their right to attend NHS funded classes that are designed for pregnant people."

Classes which include a lot of information relevant to both parents, and from which men are not explicitly excluded. If this was a man wanting to attend a class which men were not usually invited, then of course I would support his exclusion. However, that is not the case.

A bloke on his own will not be taking the spot of a woman as his partner will have been invited anyway. The classes - at least the non shit ones, which granted seems to be very few of them - have information in them about post birth as well as during, and even the information about the birth process is useful/reassuring to know for some men.

The argument that he should just read a book is nonsense. Why don't us women just "read books" as well? Telling men to butt out when they actively express an interest seems completely counter-productive to me.

A bit weird he would have the chance to explain his wife couldn't make it but he still wanted to come etc which should be allowed

Don't know where this father to be lives, but in our area there aren't enough places for all pregnant women. No place should go to a non- pregnant man.

Kid, women can read a book, however they may have questions and seek reassurance from the HCPs about their experiences of childbirth, their choices and what is available to them. As the man does not do pregnancy or labour this class is not about his experience.

Yes, and the men equally may have questions about how to support their partner before and during labour, or about SIDS, or about feeding, or whatever, and unless you expect all the men at these classes to promise to be quiet why does it matter if his partner isn't there to ask them?

Point is, if we want fathers to be involved then, we do actually need to involve them when appropriate. Personally I don't see the harm in a bloke wanting to go to such a class alone because the material is relevant to both parents.

If he wants to know how best to support his partner, he should just ask her.

And I'm sure there's lots of useful information for a partner at a cancer patients' group as well. But the group isn't for them. It's for the actual patient. Even if support people sometimes attend. There are lots of times a support person is allowed at an appointment, where a support person alone would not be welcome. Medical, legal, lots of appointments.

I think the reason people struggle with this is that it is only women who give birth.

If a man can attend with his partner why not alone? There is plenty of useful information for them to pick up too.

I would put have a problem with a lone man there, but I absolutely would understand why women who are attending the class would feel uncomfortable and as they are the people who the class is for.

It’s great that he wants to be involved and to give his partner the best possible support, she is the best person to tell him how to do this, she knows what pain relief she’d prefer.

If he can’t be reassured by the woman going through it, he can attend midwife appointments with his partner and ask there.

Him being furious and assuming the reason he can’t go is because they think he is a perv is an over reaction. If it’s about wanting to support hisnoartner through pregnancy he can embrace many if the other ways to get the info he needs. He can also look up why women feel uncomfortable might feel uncomfortable with unknown males in situations like this and learn that it’s not about thinking he is a pervert. The fact you say he had no idea male classes and groups existed shows he hasn’t used available resources to find the info he needs. Did he genuinely think without attending the female class there’s no way for him to learn this stuff?

A dad class will be tailored to Dads in the way antenatal classes are tailored to pregnant women. Once he gets over his fury at not being allowed to attend on behalf of his wife, and does some research he might find the support he gets from men going through the same is more valuable to him.

I can also bet if lone women attended those Dads classes to learn how to support her Partner in becoming a Dad, the dynamics would totally change and some if the attending Dads would feel uncomfortable.

He shouldn’t let. It being able to attend one resource that wasn’t intended for him anyway stop him from being the supportive partner and involved Dad he wants to be.

As the poster who posted about a surrogacy pregnancy, apols for derailing the topic of conversation. I probably wasn't clear enough - I wasn't specifically asking about NHS classes, but more generally about private antenatal classes (ie NCT), and whether we would be intruding given that I wouldn't be pregnant.

My knowledge of NCT is primarily via my friends, whereby the primary purpose of NCT was to meet other new mums in their local area - although we would hopefully be birth partners to a surro giving birth to our baby, the primary reason for attending would be to meet a cohort of first time parents, and to get advice on bf. So paying to attend, not taking up an NHS place. Posters kindly advised that the NCT antenatal classes themselves wouldnt be much use if I wasn't the one delivering, but advised that there were other ways to access the NCT groups without attending these pre birth classes.

I wouldn't expect to take up an NHS place focused on the medical experience of labour when I wouldnt be the patient.

Actually I think the problem is that before you go you think you'll really learn stuff at an ante/natal class. DH and I went because we thought they would tell us what the fuck, as we weren't freaking out at all, oh no to do with actual babies. As it was, all they told us was to move around in labour (I had an epidural and C section so not that much use to me) but actually there were loads of anxious dads there just wanting to do their best and they did benefit from the class.

If people knew that ante-natal classes are mostly a waste of time then maybe he wouldn't feel so left out. I do think this is an overly aggressive thread though. Poor man just wants to do his best and I assume is trying to be the best dad he can be. Ante-natal classes really aren't a sacred women's only space. Neither is birth. If OPs friend was just a giant fanny birthing perv, I've no doubt he get much better action at home on the Internet

Havent rtft but I think it depends on the content of the classes. At mine they talked about how partners can support the woman in labour, practised massage strokes / pressure points, talked about why the midwives usually insist on talking to the woman on the phone rather than anyone else, etc. Supporting your partner through labour can be a frightening and exhausting thing and there's lots of info in the classes that can prepare him to be a better, more supportive birth partner than he would be if he went in totally terrified and clueless. It's a shame the hospital doesn't seem to recognise this by offering dads' classes.

Also, just thinking out loud, he along with other men who get angry about not being able to attend women’s resources on behalf of their partners, could turn that fury into something useful and use that energy to initiate or join campaigns to set up resources etc for new Dads, like campaigning for nappy changing units, somewhere to park buggies etc to be installed in male toilets.

Yet again a man making it all about him. The classes are aimed at women. They focus on things for women. I am so f@cking sick of men making it all about them. Women come so low in the pecking order, they are always bottom. I am over this.

In my opinion it would depend on what the classes entailed. My hubby and i attend a course of 6 sessions before we had our little fella. I found it useful having my hubby there as he was going to be my birthing partner, one if the sessions went through what to expect in labour and how the birthing partner can help. Another session shown us around the hospital with the birthing pool rooms and the wards, and what to bring in hospital with us, when to come to the hospital in relations to waters breaking and contraction etc. I felt it reassuring hubby had all this info as well in case anything happened or I went to bits he would have all the info to help.
If he is the birthing partner he should be entitled to the info..us not like the women in the class will be getting naked. People need to get a grip..why would it bother you him being in the class if it was just talking about pregnancy and birth.

Tigger, the key thing is that you found it helpful to have your partner with you for the classes. This man's partner is not attending the class and his presence is of no use to the women who are.