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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Father to be refused access to nhs classes

286 replies

Anditstartsagain · 03/12/2017 12:52

I have a friend having her second baby she doesn't want to go to the classes on offer with the nhs but her dp does as this is his first baby. She works in a job in the city centre and getting time off is not easy he is self employed based from home so can easily attend.

Obviously given these circumstances they told the midwife he would attend without her and they were told no. When questioned she said that the classes were mainly for the mum and other mums to be may feel uncomfortable with an unaccompanied man (seriously). If she signs up he can come along.

He is furious I kind if agree that it's not really fair he misses out because she doesn't want to go and couldn't really get there anyway. I personally never bothered with the classes but feel all parents should have the option. What do you all think?

OP posts:
Pearlsaringer · 03/12/2017 16:18

Ridiculous. As if the NHS hadn’t got enough demands on its resources without being required to indulge snowflake expectant fathers.

CruellaDeVilsEvilSister · 03/12/2017 16:19

NHS pre-natal classes are extremely limited in terms of numbers so my worry would be that this man would potentially be taking the place of a woman who would need the class.

Why can’t these classes be made women-only if this is the case?

Barbie222 · 03/12/2017 16:20

Not rtft but if he really is so anxious and worried about the delivery I doubt the classes will make him feel much better, just give him a whole lot more to worry about - why not just ask his partner to give him a bit of guidance?

I could imagine him being less than helpful during labour too, with that sense of needing to be in the thick of the decision making.

PersianCatLady · 03/12/2017 16:25

I dread to think what this father is going to be like at the birth.

MrsLupo · 03/12/2017 16:35

What a weird, aggressive thread.

Imo, the world would be a better place if more fathers took an active interest in the processes of pregnancy, labour and everything that comes afterwards.

As well as all the usual labour stuff, my antenatal classes included a lot of talking and thinking about things like how your time will be spent after you have a newborn to think of, what needs to change, what your priorities will be. All vital stuff for fathers to get to grips with, I'd have thought.

I think it's pretty sad that OP's friend can't be bothered to do it all again when she's lucky enough to have a partner who really wants to understand and be involved. It's her legal right to take time off work for antenatal classes so that sounds like an excuse to me. But if she really can't be arsed, I personally would have no objections at all to a lone dad-to-be being present. Bemused that so many people would.

Original poster
Anditstartsagain · 03/12/2017 16:51

What a weird, aggressive thread

It is very aggressive my friends partner is not a cunt or that guy. He's stressed about doing it right being there for her since her first pregnancy and birth was ruined by her ex he wants to help.

They were offered classes they ticked the box to say they wanted classes then confirmed with the midwife they decided he would go alone, she would get time off work but it's not easily she would need cover arranged and the commute home and back to work makes it not worth it.

He was mostly furious at the fact men could go but not alone which seems to suggest he is some kind of wierdo or perv. He's going to look at the classes for men none of us had any idea about them thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anditstartsagain · 03/12/2017 16:54

I forgot to say there are always spaces in the classbecause they are shite we live in an area with really good availability most people don't bother going.

OP posts:
makemineatriple · 03/12/2017 16:55

Totally agree MrsLupo. A class like this isn't a women only space. Other men will be there. I don't understand why a man is precluded just because his partner isn't with him. And why on earth shouldn't he want to be there if it's his first child? Taking his role as her birthing partner seriously and finding out all he can about it is pretty much exactly what I'd expect a father to do.

Pengggwn · 03/12/2017 16:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kaytee87 · 03/12/2017 17:02

Yep @Pengggwn people aren't getting the point.

The NHS antenatal classes are for the pregnant women, the patients. They can be accompanied by their birthing partner if they like.

I'm honestly not sure why this is so hard to grasp.

stitchglitched · 03/12/2017 17:05

Some women might not even want their partners there. Or they may have an ex partner. Should those fathers have entitlement to attend too? Only attending alongside a pregnant woman allows access to an NHS resource to be controlled by the patients it is actually intended for, which is as it should be.

confusedlittleone · 03/12/2017 17:06

He doesn't need a class, he isn't the one giving birth, and then once baby's here no doubt he'll be swanning off to work. And if he isn't work he should be doing the housework stuff so that his wife doesn't have to- that's not taught in a class.

mirime · 03/12/2017 17:13

My DH took notes at our antenatal class.

Really it was just info about the different interventions and pain relief and what happened during labour with a bit about breastfeeding. I can kind of see why this man might want to attend, interacting with people face to face is different to online but I can also see why he shouldn't attend on his own.

Cheby · 03/12/2017 17:16

THe classes are for the patient; ie the pregnant woman. She can bring a birth partner if she chooses. If she doesn’t attend then obviously he can’t go.

Tinycitrus · 03/12/2017 17:17

You know- she’s the one having the baby. She makes decisions regarding pain relief, birth plan, feeding etc.

He gets to hold her hand.
He doesn’t need to go to an antenatal class to learn to do that.

HeidiGer · 03/12/2017 17:17

he can read a book.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/12/2017 17:18

He was mostly furious at the fact men could go but not alone which seems to suggest he is some kind of wierdo or perv.

'Furious' is interesting. As is the fact that he is oblivious any reasons there might be that it isn't appropriate. I'm sorry, but he does sound like that guy. Will he also want to to attend breastfeeding classes alone?

gybegirl · 03/12/2017 17:27

I think your friend is being really mean tbh. This is a special time for them both and he rightly wants to be a part of it. Waving him away with an "I know and it I'll be fine" is totally missing the point. She is the main one he should be cross at for not realising that this affects him too.

If he turned up at my NHS birthing classes and explained why he was alone, I would have been happy for him, friendly and welcoming, as would my DH. It wouldn't occur to me to get cross at him for invading my female space. It's for both!!

I think a lot of the posters who are saying he has no right to be there would be the same people slagging him if he were not interested at all.

Pengggwn · 03/12/2017 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gybegirl · 03/12/2017 17:34

Pengggywn

Looking at the teacher?? Reading a leaflet?? He's not some random bloke off the street. He's going to be a birthing partner and is there to learn .

Pengggwn · 03/12/2017 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gybegirl · 03/12/2017 17:46

But "go read it in a book" is so dismissive in my opinion.

I would view him the same as anyone else in the room, as a prospective parent. All of whom have the same valid reason for being there, to learn about childbirth, feeding, having a brand new baby and all that entails.

Like I say, the main problem is that his partner is dismissing these things as being important to him which is incredibly sad and selfish.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 03/12/2017 18:00

I think your friend is being really mean tbh

No she isn't. She is the one who is pregnant. Everything relating to it is her decision. No argument, no exception.

TheweewitchRoz · 03/12/2017 18:03

If he wants to experience it, then the mum to be needs to facilitate this - otherwise he doesn't go. It's very simple really.

gybegirl · 03/12/2017 18:06

He's not asking her to do anything with her body, which I do agree is totally her choice. He's asking her to go along to a couple of evening classes. He is asking for time so he can embrace being a father.

We will have to agree to disagree Smile