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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Father to be refused access to nhs classes

286 replies

Anditstartsagain · 03/12/2017 12:52

I have a friend having her second baby she doesn't want to go to the classes on offer with the nhs but her dp does as this is his first baby. She works in a job in the city centre and getting time off is not easy he is self employed based from home so can easily attend.

Obviously given these circumstances they told the midwife he would attend without her and they were told no. When questioned she said that the classes were mainly for the mum and other mums to be may feel uncomfortable with an unaccompanied man (seriously). If she signs up he can come along.

He is furious I kind if agree that it's not really fair he misses out because she doesn't want to go and couldn't really get there anyway. I personally never bothered with the classes but feel all parents should have the option. What do you all think?

OP posts:

RavingRoo · 03/12/2017 13:19

Antenatal classes focus on the mum, and are pretty useless without the female parent there. Why can’t the mum go? Is she disinterested or does she simply not realise that time for antenatal classes has to be given as part of maternity leave policies.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 03/12/2017 13:19

Can’t he read? He’ll get all the theory he needs from a book which is all he needs as he’s not actually going to be giving birth and the woman who is (and doesn’t want to go), has done all this before. Presumably she can show him and tell him as well, if not better than some gatecrashed NHS antenatal class?

He is being ridiculous and precious.

Scorpiolady123 · 03/12/2017 13:21

I think he should be able to go! My husband got a lot of our nhs classes. If he wants to go so that he can support his partner then what's the problem. Our midwife constantly spoke about what partners can do to help in labour.

If a bunch of pregnant women are going to feel awkward just because a man is sat in their antenatal class... well they had better get ready for labour

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 03/12/2017 13:21

Sorry I agree with the NHS. He can get all the information he needs by googling, he doesn't need to be in a room full of nervous women who might want to ask a question about their vagina or breasts without some lone male there. And yes I realise a man may be there with his partner but that lends an air of security that he's not just there to get his jollies.

formerbabe · 03/12/2017 13:24

How completely ridiculous. I'd be mortified to be coupled up with a man who would want to attend ante natal classes on his own.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 03/12/2017 13:25

How many random men who don't know anything about labour and who you don't know did you expect while giving birth @Scorpiolady123? Because I expected none and there were none. In fact, the only male present was my husband as even with a difficult birth the consultant was female as were the midwives and nurses. (I wouldn't have been bothered about male HCP but I know some would be)

DearMrDilkington · 03/12/2017 13:26

it's not his first baby. men can't have babies

BewareOfDragons · 03/12/2017 13:26

He is being unreasonable.

PurpleDaisies · 03/12/2017 13:27

I agree with the nhs here too.

Jenala · 03/12/2017 13:27

If it's important to him she should go with. If this was a thread where the woman was having her first baby but her partner already had one, and he didn't want to do classes again so suggested she went alone, there'd be uproar.

There was plenty for fathers to learn at my NHS one. They talked about where delivery/midwifery led suites are, what happens after, pain relief options and what they do and their implications, what they'll do with the baby after it's born, options like cord clamping, vit K etc, even stuff like parking validation etc. Stuff I wanted my DP to know, especially hospital specific stuff that wasn't just in a book, and also so he could advocate for me if necessary (which it was). Having some knowledge helps fathers be good birthing partners as stuff is slightly less fucking scary.

So many threads in here of dads not giving a toss and this poor fucker wants to be involved and pp are suggesting he's controlling. He's not forcing her to go either, he'd go alone which wouldn't be a comfortable experience.

I think she should suck it up OP and do them again. I don't understand the work argument as she could get the time as needed for pregnancy related appointments but also my area they hold them in the evenings too for that specific reason.

Puremince · 03/12/2017 13:29

He wouldn't have got anything out of my nhs ante-natal classes. For example - choosing pain relief; if his partner already knows what she wants to do, what is the point in him learning other options? To reassure himself that she's not being silly? to decide that a different option might be better?

There are tons of books and websites, but even better - he has a partner who knows what she's doing. He should talk to her.

SparklyUnicornTractors · 03/12/2017 13:29

lets wait for comments about male entitlement and that he wants to enter a women's space...

Gosh yes. How silly for those hysterical women to not want this poor excluded man to be given whatever he wants just because they'd feel uncomfortable, just because it might affect the experience of some of them who are actually the ones going to give birth and who knows who in that group might be vulnerable, and because its a resource provided for mothers who can bring fathers along if they choose rather than for parents in general. So selfish.

Evelynismyspyname · 03/12/2017 13:31

He can look for a specific dads to be class:

pregnancyandparents.org.uk/whatweoffer/dads-to-be-course/

Antenatal classes are very often essentially maternity - not paternity - classes.

BarbarianMum · 03/12/2017 13:31

If it's that important that he go then the mother of his baby shoud accompany him. Far better to learn about labour and care of a newborn as a couple, so you can discuss how you want to do things together .

notangelinajolie · 03/12/2017 13:31

The clue is in what the midwife said the classes were mainly for the mum What bit doesn't he understand? And his wife is too busy? She clearly doesn't think these classes are important enough to grace them with her presence to I can't think why on earth he would want to go.

MrSnrubYesThatsIt · 03/12/2017 13:31

He sounds like a big knickers to me.
a total molly.
good luck to him. twit.

Scorpiolady123 · 03/12/2017 13:32

Sorry I didn't mean a lone make in the delivery suite! Now that would be a bit bizarre... I can envision how my response may have looked like a stream of men may wander through the delivery suite-I didn't word it well.... apologies!

What I meant was the labour experience in general, can make you feel pretty "awkward" at times.

During one of my antenatal classes a guy did turn up on his own as his wife was working late. It wasn't a problem, although probably not expected either, it was the second to last session though. However, our groups were mainly couples with the partner mostly male. Just my opinion.... I may be wrong!

Cupoteap · 03/12/2017 13:32

As there is often not enough spaces for women to attend he's being unreasonable

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 03/12/2017 13:32

I suppose knowing him as a person and seeing how scared and nervous he is makes me feel sad that he can't go along and get some support

Fgs he can Google or buy a book the same as any other person , woman or man, who was unable to attend or didn't want to these sessions. Personally I found them of no practical use anyway.

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 03/12/2017 13:33

One more thing - the NHS has finite resources. It makes economic sense for them to aim their classes at women because, obvious, all pregnant women are pregnant. Not all pregnant women have partners who want or are able to attend classes, and even if they did, it would mean expanding the scope of the classes, making them more expensive to provide. Therefore, focusing on the woman makes sense, adding extra bits to cater for men who may not even be there does not. There are classes that cater for men, he should attend those and not expect a cash-strapped resource to pander to him. He's about to become a father, maybe he should learn to use a bit of initiative.

CecilyP · 03/12/2017 13:34

No there wouldn't! When did taking your partner to classes actually become a thing?

KERALA1 · 03/12/2017 13:34

I was away for one of the nct classes and dh suggested going alone but we both concluded it would be abit weird somehow.

snowsnowsnowsnow · 03/12/2017 13:36

think your friend has the right idea.. best not to know "what to expect"! and don't get me started on birthing plans! He's well out of it - def try NCT or dad classes

Evelynismyspyname · 03/12/2017 13:36

Jenala "If it's important to him she should go with. If this was a thread where the woman was having her first baby but her partner already had one, and he didn't want to do classes again so suggested she went alone, there'd be uproar. "

No there wouldn't.

Most women go to the NHS classes alone. The one I went to with my first baby was aimed at mothers and my DH only attended the one class specifically aimed at birth partners. Fathers could be brought along to all the classes if the mother wished, but we had a big group of over 20 women and only two brought their partners every week. A couple of dads came to a few classes and there was one specifically aimed at birth partners which most but not all fathers attended.

NCT seems to be more couply, but NHS classes are mainly aimed at first time mothers to be and its more normal than not to go alone IME.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 03/12/2017 13:36

If this was a thread where the woman was having her first baby but her partner already had one, and he didn't want to do classes again so suggested she went alone, there'd be uproar

Not from me there wouldn't.

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