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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Father to be refused access to nhs classes

286 replies

Anditstartsagain · 03/12/2017 12:52

I have a friend having her second baby she doesn't want to go to the classes on offer with the nhs but her dp does as this is his first baby. She works in a job in the city centre and getting time off is not easy he is self employed based from home so can easily attend.

Obviously given these circumstances they told the midwife he would attend without her and they were told no. When questioned she said that the classes were mainly for the mum and other mums to be may feel uncomfortable with an unaccompanied man (seriously). If she signs up he can come along.

He is furious I kind if agree that it's not really fair he misses out because she doesn't want to go and couldn't really get there anyway. I personally never bothered with the classes but feel all parents should have the option. What do you all think?

OP posts:
PersianCatLady · 03/12/2017 15:03

I think that your thread title is misleading and overdramatic.

KidLorneRoll · 03/12/2017 15:08

I think people are being harsh here. Lord knows if a block refused to go to a class people would be jumping all over him for not taking an interest.

I can understand why a second time mother wouldn't bother with the classes because if the standard across the country is anything like the ones I went to, it was a complete waste of time.

However, I can also well understand why a first time father would want to go. The classes don't just cover labour after all, and even if they did a father who knows what to expect during labour is going to be able to support his partner better. If people are happy for blokes to attend their partners during the courses, I can't see any reason why one couldn't go by himself to get the same information. Otherwise, surely we should be sending the men out of the classes for half of them in case they hear something they shouldn't?

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 03/12/2017 15:09

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed

I wonder if he's going to be 'that father' who turns up in the delivery room insisting it's all him. Using phrases like 'we're having a baby', 'we don't need pain relief'.

Yes, I wonder what odds you'd get on that as a bet !

Thurlow · 03/12/2017 15:09

Christ. MN is so weird sometimes. A man actually shows an interest in wanting to know more about labour and birth because its his first child and he's nervous about it and he's either weird or being ridiculous and should be mocked? Hmm I agree going solo to the antenatal classes probably isn't the best but, with the lack of anything negative in the OP, fair play to the bloke for being interested and wanting to know what might happen.

KidLorneRoll · 03/12/2017 15:11

"I wonder if he's going to be 'that father' who turns up in the delivery room insisting it's all him. Using phrases like 'we're having a baby', 'we don't need pain relief'."

Oh ffs. What's the female equivalent of misogynistic twat again?

stitchglitched · 03/12/2017 15:11

If men are given equal rights as the mother to attend these classes what is to stop an abusive ex turning up to one? They should be treated the same as any other pregnancy related matters such as scans, the birth etc- accompanying the mother with her consent.

1DAD2KIDS · 03/12/2017 15:11

I think there is often mixed messages on MN about the involment of fathers. One minute its oh men are all shit and dont help or if they are trying to get involved its all about them having some sinister alternative motive. Do wonder if men can win either way?

Surely having an understanding of the challenges and things that affect mother to be is vital to supporting her? So I can understand his reasoning but personally I wouldn't.

1DAD2KIDS · 03/12/2017 15:13

Personally I think this is one he should drop and seek information else where.

TheHolidayArmadillo · 03/12/2017 15:14

Surely having an understanding of the challenges and things that affect mother to be is vital to supporting her

I'd say following her lead is vital to supporting her.

stitchglitched · 03/12/2017 15:14

I think it is him being 'furious' that he is somehow being denied his rights that has got some posters backs up (well mine anyway!) Nothing wrong with him being interested and keen but he needs to discuss it with his partner if he is desperate to go instead of expecting the NHS to indulge him.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 03/12/2017 15:14

Surely having an understanding of the challenges and things that affect mother to be is vital to supporting her? So I can understand his reasoning but personally I wouldn't

Yes but there are plenty of sources available to him without muscling in on this class.

He could even ask "the mother to be" given that she has already been through this.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 03/12/2017 15:14

In this particular case it’s right idea, wrong forum though isn’t it?

He’s not going to get what he wants from attending the class. He would get it from reading and talking to his partner who is presumably of reasonable intelligence and able to convey information, including information she will know due to previous experience that someone at an antenatal class may not know.

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 03/12/2017 15:15

'Oh ffs. What's the female equivalent of misogynistic twat again?'

I don't know but I bet you're dying to tell me.

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 03/12/2017 15:16

'He could even ask "the mother to be" given that she has already been through this.'

Exactly!

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 03/12/2017 15:16

Surely having an understanding of the challenges and things that affect mother to be is vital to supporting her

I'd say following her lead is vital to supporting her.

Precisely.

bananafish81 · 03/12/2017 15:17

I personally agree with the comments about a lone male entering this very personal space without a female partner

But. I have a question - it's a really difficult one emotionally so would be enormously grateful for kindness, even if you disagree

DH and I are intended parents - meaning our baby will (hopefully, if the process works out) be born via a surrogate rather than by me. Our genetic bun, the surrogate mother's oven.

It's the surro's prerogative whether they want the IPs in the delivery room or not - in practice they almost always are, unless the surro labours so fast that the IPs aren't able to get there in time. The surro we're hoping to match with said she would want both of us in the delivery room (hospital policy permitting)

Very sadly I can't sustain a pregnancy, so I won't ever be able to experience labour for myself, but if things work out, we will be there at the delivery of our baby, supporting our surro through the experience. I plan to try induced lactation (regime of medication and pumping) in the hope of being able to bf.

Would you be comfortable with my DH and I attending antenatal (let's say NCT, as I doubt we'd be entitled to NHS) classes, given we would both be birthing partners to our surro?

KidLorneRoll · 03/12/2017 15:20

I genuinely don't see why it makes a difference if a bloke is sat there holding his partners hand, or if he is there by himself attending a class that his partner was invited to.

It's the same information. It's the same bloke. It's the same leaflets being handed out. If a guy wants the information and his partner - for whatever reason can't attend - it's not hurting anyone if he goes.

Just seems like a pointless thing to object to. Either fathers (to be) can attend these things, or they can't.

evensmilingmakesmyfacehurt · 03/12/2017 15:20

The NHS classes were pointless and didn't cover anything more than you could find online. He needn't waste his time going.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/12/2017 15:20

If I have a tough medical appointment, DH could come. A diagnosis or something worrying. Or my smoking cessation appointment, to support me. He should know about it and is supportive.

But if he asked for a lone appointment because he would like to know and be supportive, everyone would think he was odd and unreasonable. Because he isn't the patient.

We've gone down a bit of a rabbit hole with pregnancy and childbirth where we think it is almost as much about the man as the woman. It's not. This is why men think they get an opinion on abortion, pain relief and women's behaviour in pregnancy. They don't.

This is a medical appointment offered by the NHS for the patient. He isn't the patient.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 03/12/2017 15:21

I have a very involved husband. He’s currently looking after our dc while I’m (procrastinating) working. We did the antenatal stuff together because we were both clueless. In the event, dh followed my lead as it was me giving birth and my body, my decisions, my rights.

Second time round I had a good idea of what to expect and what I wanted and dh left me to it until the last bit because that’s what I wanted and needed.

Plus a partner isn’t actually much use when giving birth beyond supporting what the mother needs.

I can see why this woman doesn’t want to go to classes, I support her right not to and I bet she’s bloody exasperated with her husband making such a fuss about attending the classes when his job is to suppor her. That’s it. That’s his whole job until the baby is born and I’ve never been on a class yet that teaches the next bit beyond putting nappies on dolls.

Starlight2345 · 03/12/2017 15:23

To be honest birth is about mum and baby getting through birth as safely and pain free as possible ( with choice of drugs up to mum to be)

What he needs to do is listen to his partners needs,

Aeroflotgirl · 03/12/2017 15:23

Why would any man want to do that! My dh certainly would not, and did not come to classes with me as he was away at work. He sounds a bit hmmm. Your friend should tell him to stop being so silly, pull his big boy pants up and google it, or get a book to read. Why does any normal man, want to be in an antenatal class on his own, with a group of women, who may be talking about initmate issues.

Itsonkyme · 03/12/2017 15:23

What a twit!

kaytee87 · 03/12/2017 15:25

@bananafish81 nct is something you pay for yourself so I doubt anyone would object.
The issue here is that the nhs classes are for the pregnant patient and her birth partner if she chooses to bring one.

Good luck with the surrogacy. Don't give yourself a hard time with attempting to breastfeed if doesn't work out, it will be very difficult and most likely impossible (although I get why you want to). Thanks

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 03/12/2017 15:25

bananafish8 so far as your husband and your surrogate attending- no one could tell what the arrangement is unless you chose to tell them. I don't see any need for the other parents to know this.

So far as you- if you are a woman, then subject to your not making the class overcrowded I don't see an issue either.

Provided your surrogate wants this.