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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Father to be refused access to nhs classes

286 replies

Anditstartsagain · 03/12/2017 12:52

I have a friend having her second baby she doesn't want to go to the classes on offer with the nhs but her dp does as this is his first baby. She works in a job in the city centre and getting time off is not easy he is self employed based from home so can easily attend.

Obviously given these circumstances they told the midwife he would attend without her and they were told no. When questioned she said that the classes were mainly for the mum and other mums to be may feel uncomfortable with an unaccompanied man (seriously). If she signs up he can come along.

He is furious I kind if agree that it's not really fair he misses out because she doesn't want to go and couldn't really get there anyway. I personally never bothered with the classes but feel all parents should have the option. What do you all think?

OP posts:
Puremince · 03/12/2017 13:36

If he wants to go so that he can support his partner then what's the problem. Our midwife constantly spoke about what partners can do to help in labour.

Perhaps he could ask his partner how she would like him to support her in labour, rather than learning how to do it in isolation from his partner?

Though I think the best thing would be for them to do the classes together. I think your friend is BU by not going, given that he is anxious and obviously wants to be involved.

Viviennemary · 03/12/2017 13:37

I think that's quite reasonable. The classes are for the mothers and partners can accompany them to some or all depending on the rules, if they wish. But agree he's not missing much if he can't attend.

BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried · 03/12/2017 13:38

There is a wealth if information on the internet for any man who wants to learn about labour, childbirth, and the newborn stage. There really is no need at all for him to go to a birthing class.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 03/12/2017 13:38

@Jenala - your point "If this was a thread where the woman was having her first baby but her partner already had one, and he didn't want to do classes again so suggested she went alone, there'd be uproar" is totally different.

Men don't actually give birth. Women do.

LoniceraJaponica · 03/12/2017 13:38

“She works in a job in the city centre and getting time off is not easy”

I thought it was illegal to prevent an expectant mother from attending ante natal appointments. Would classes come under this?

“I never took any classes with my pregnancies and labours as there is plenty of info online.”

I had DD pre broadband and did attend the excellent NHS ante natal classes. TBH I don’t think anything I have read online would replicate the classes I attended.

donquixotedelamancha · 03/12/2017 13:39

"other mums to be may feel uncomfortable with an unaccompanied man (seriously)"

Easy solution: Tell him to identify as a woman for the duration of the class :-)

In all seriousness, I think it's pretty reasonable to say no to the birthing partner without the mum. He doesn't need to go.

"it's not his first baby. men can't have babies."

Oh, fgs. No-one said he's giving birth. Men can indeed have children and be involved with the birth of their child. It's nice that he wants to be as involved as possible and it's normal to be anxious, and perhaps even a bit over the top, with your first.

geekone · 03/12/2017 13:41

Jenala

What she said!!!

Scorpiolady123 · 03/12/2017 13:41

donquixotedelamancha

You made me chuckle Grin

EvilEdna1 · 03/12/2017 13:42

Suggest he Google's Mark Harris's Birthing for Blokes online course. It would be ideal. He also has a book Men,Love and Birth.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 03/12/2017 13:45

If he feels that strongly about attending then his problem is his partner not wanting to.

She is legally entitled to paid time off to attend if she wishes to accomadate his want then she should use it.

She doesn’t wish to accomadate his want, his problem is her not the nhs.

It’s also entirely reasonable for her not to want to go if she doesn’t feel she would find it useful.

notangelinajolie · 03/12/2017 13:45

I'm with donquixote - tell him to go along and say he identifies as a woman - that should get him in. Perhaps he could report back what they say on here.

And can I just say - she has already given birth once before. Surely she tell him all the gory details? Why does he have to hear it from a midwife? Doesn't he believe her?

cansu · 03/12/2017 13:45

Tell him to get a book. Honestly the main point of these classes is really to provide emotional support for pregnant women. They don't tell you anything you can't read in ten minutes from a book. As they are mainly opportunities to chat about something that is of zero interest to anyone else, I can see how a man on his own would be out of place. He is being ridiculous tbh.

Crunchymum · 03/12/2017 13:45

If I were the woman in the situation here, I'd be telling my DP to get a grip.

Yes he may be nervous but he sounds like he isn't going to make a very good birth partner (classes or no classes). Who wants a wet lettuce at their side when they give birth?

It's not about him is it? He needs to find an alternative source of info and calm the fuck down.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 03/12/2017 13:48

I think your friend is BU by not going, given that he is anxious and obviously wants to be involved

That is an outrageous comment. It is her pregnancy and she is the one who will be giving birth. It is entirely her choice if she doesn't want to attend these ( in my view) pointless and generic classes.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 03/12/2017 13:51

She doesn’t wish to accomadate his want, his problem is her not the nhs.

I think you have a few typos there.

She doesn't want to accommodate his demand; his problem is him - not the NHS or her

HopeAndJoy16 · 03/12/2017 13:52

I think it's important for men to be informed and labour and birth and how to care for newborns in order to support their partners. Nothing worse than a partner sat watching Jeremy Kyle on the hospital TV whilst their partner is birthing their child Angry
If the partner can't access the NHS classes a male midwife called Mark Harris runs Birthing4Blokes and runs both online and face to face sessions. He's fab. I bought his book for my DH and he said it was great.
I know NHS resources are tight but there should IMO be something for partners. The home birth info evenings in our trust are geared as much towards partners as they are towards the women.

Pengggwn · 03/12/2017 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

strawberrypenguin · 03/12/2017 13:55

But he’s not been refused access. He can go if your friend does as well, he’s just been asked not to attend on his own.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 03/12/2017 13:56

I know NHS resources are tight but there should IMO be something for partners

Why? Children have been born for millenia perfectly well without squandering money on some bloke who is incapable of using the many sources of information available.

stitchglitched · 03/12/2017 13:58

These classes are for the mother, who is the NHS patient. It is right that the only way a man can attend is alongside the mother, at her request. If it is important to him to attend he needs to ask his partner to go with him, he doesn't belong there on his own.

TheHolidayArmadillo · 03/12/2017 13:59

They are antenatal classes for the female patient

This.

CecilyP · 03/12/2017 13:59

Nothing worse than a partner sat watching Jeremy Kyle on the hospital TV whilst their partner is birthing their child

Doubt if the best classes in the world would effect a complete personality transplant!

ferrier · 03/12/2017 14:02

I'm on the other side. I think it's wrong that he can't access the same provision that other men can just because you can't be there. He is probably welcoming the opportunity to chat to other nervous dads as much as anything else.
Why would NCT be any different - plus you have to pay for them.
He is certainly not being ridiculous and precious.

grasspigeons · 03/12/2017 14:03

the nhs ones are aimed at the person going to give birth.
I appreciate he might want to know what is going to happen to his loved one, and options of pain relief available for her which is nice and supportive but its not really aimed at men

paxillin · 03/12/2017 14:04

Grin Can I go to the local toddler sing song even though my toddler won't? What do you mean I'll look like a weirdo and take the place of a toddler-plus-parent, what about MY right to a rendition of "The wheels on the bus"?