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AIBU?

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Original poster

Father to be refused access to nhs classes

286 replies

Anditstartsagain · 03/12/2017 12:52

I have a friend having her second baby she doesn't want to go to the classes on offer with the nhs but her dp does as this is his first baby. She works in a job in the city centre and getting time off is not easy he is self employed based from home so can easily attend.

Obviously given these circumstances they told the midwife he would attend without her and they were told no. When questioned she said that the classes were mainly for the mum and other mums to be may feel uncomfortable with an unaccompanied man (seriously). If she signs up he can come along.

He is furious I kind if agree that it's not really fair he misses out because she doesn't want to go and couldn't really get there anyway. I personally never bothered with the classes but feel all parents should have the option. What do you all think?

OP posts:
MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 03/12/2017 15:27

bananafish I think you would find even NCT antenatal classes fairly useless. So much is about the options and choices for the birth which would be down to your surro.

But, an Early Days Course could be just the thing for you. It’s focused on the postnatal period.

stitchglitched · 03/12/2017 15:28

Either fathers (to be) can attend these things, or they can't

No, they can attend alongside the patient with her consent, or they can't.

Ellapaella · 03/12/2017 15:28

The birth is one tiny part of being a parent and only a woman actually gives birth, all a man needs to know is to support her and be there at the birth. He can read a library of books and scour the internet and find far more useful information than what’s available at the NHS classes.
He sounds a bit precious tbh, however I suppose if he really wants to go he can pay for NCT classes. Demanding that the NHS provide them for him is not reasonable - they are provided for the mother predominantly and if she doesn’t feel it’s necessary to attend that doesn’t give him an automatic right to go along anyway.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 03/12/2017 15:29

Interesting assumption that bananafish could come along if there’s room Lass. Why couldn’t she go with the surrogate (assuming the surrogate would be up for it)?

I would have thought (and may be wrong) that the parents to be are there as witnesses rather than participants though? Which makes classes rather redundant??

Pengggwn · 03/12/2017 15:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bananafish81 · 03/12/2017 15:33

@kaytee87 thank you - other IPs have attended NCT, but I wouldn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. Although I would feel very self conscious being there with no bump, I would really really want to be able to be able to meet local new mums. Induced lactation is really hard, and not everyone succeeds - although one IM (intended mother) on one of the surro groups I'm on EBF for 18 months via induced lactation!!

@LassWiTheDelicateAir classes would be just DH and I - the surro would be in a different city, so we would be attending just the two of us (although very obviously me with no big bump, sadly) - even if we were in the same city, she has delivered four beautiful children of her own, so is a pro at pregnancy and birth! I don't think we'd be entitled to NHS classes because obvs I wouldn't be the pregnant one, so it would hypothetically be NCT

Thank you both for your comments - v much appreciated

DressedCrab · 03/12/2017 15:34

He isn't pregnant. Buy him a book.

bananafish81 · 03/12/2017 15:37

@MovingOnUpMovingOnOut I'd happily travel 200 miles north to go to classes with my surro, but as she's had 4 births already, and has 4 kids of her own to look after, attending antenatal classes for her own benefit wouldnt be top of her agenda!

We would hope to attend NCT classes in pie local area as much for advice on breastfeeding (although induced lactation obvs isn't the same as 'normal' bf, if your milk does come in, issues about latching etc are just as relevant) and as a way of meeting new mums in our neighbourhood as with advice about the birth itself.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 03/12/2017 15:37

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut

Interesting assumption that bananafish could come along if there’s room Lass. Why couldn’t she go with the surrogate (assuming the surrogate would be up for it)?

That is not what I said.

I don't mean her husband has priority - simply there is no obvious ground to exclude him.

However it occurred to me that as long as the pregnant woman is there it is up to her, and her only, who she takes with her.

The pregnant woman in banana's case would have 2 people present. If everyone in the class wanted 2 people there might not be room. If that were the case it is for the surrogate to choose which one.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 03/12/2017 15:40

I got it bananafish that’s why I’m recommending Early Days classes. They’re designed for exactly that although for specific breastfeeding support you may also benefit from seeing a breastfeeding counsellor too as it’s specialised and NCT, LLL and ABM can all help you.

Good luck Flowers

bananafish81 · 03/12/2017 15:41

Fantastic - that's great advice. Thank you @MovingOnUpMovingOnOut! Hopefully one day we will be in a position to be able to attend

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 03/12/2017 15:42

Early days info here: www.nct.org.uk/courses/postnatal/early-days

blue2014 · 03/12/2017 15:43

@bananafish81 (hi, I think of you often, I really hope surrogate works out for you 💕)

I really don't think you would make anyone uncomfortable, remember other parents there may have experienced fertility problems too (3 of us were IVF-ers in my NHS class)

From what I know now from others - NCT either really works and people make great friends or they're a bunch of arseholes and you never see them again. If they judge you then they're arseholes and you don't need them. The friends I've made since bluelet was born were all from baby groups and classes and I've been fine with no NCT in my life so don't worry, it'll all work out wherever you decide Thanks

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 03/12/2017 15:44

You don’t have to do a course to go to local meet ups with NCT either.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 03/12/2017 15:45

LassWiTheDelicateAir classes would be just DH and I - the surro would be in a different city, so we would be attending just the two of us

Oh I see. In that case I don't think these classes are suitable if you are not interacting with the surrogate at them.

Tbh as many others have said they are pretty pointless anyway and they don't teach you anything about looking after a baby once it is there. I think you would do better having a private session with a midwife or a trained nanny about that aspect.

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 03/12/2017 15:48

bananafish I know a couple who adopted who went to early days beforehand, I'd guess that was NCT, but whoever ran them they seemed to be made welcome.

CaretakerToNuns · 03/12/2017 15:50

Male entitlement, simple as that.

Why does the cunt think he can invade a women-only space like this?

kaytee87 · 03/12/2017 15:52

@bananafish81 don't feel uncomfortable, you'll still be a mum! The early years courses would probably be a good idea.
You should download an app called mush for meeting local mums, it's really good x

PerpetualStudent · 03/12/2017 16:01

Jesus. No wonder women are left with all the work of raising kids, if this is the attitude towards fathers who want to be actively engaged in the process...

TheHolidayArmadillo · 03/12/2017 16:02

if this is the attitude towards fathers who want to be actively engaged in the process...

So because they aren't the ones giving birth, and the mother (rightly) makes the decisions vis-a-vis her womb, that's the reason why some fathers are crap? Hmm

CruellaDeVilsEvilSister · 03/12/2017 16:03

Male entitlement, simple as that. Why does the cunt think he can invade a women-only space like this?

It’s not a women only space. It’s a mixed space.

stitchglitched · 03/12/2017 16:06

It isn't a class about raising children, it's about childbirth for the benefit of pregnant patients. Any man who doesn't engage with his children because he wasn't welcomed as a lone male to a birthing seminar wasn't really likely to be much of a father anyway.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/12/2017 16:07

@PerpetualStudent

There is giving birth

and then

there is raising children.

They are two different things. One is the pregnant women's. The other isn't. IME men (and female partners) who understand this make the best partners and fathers.

bananafish81 · 03/12/2017 16:10

Thank you for the very kind advice and pointers - really helpful and very gratefully received Thanks

I really hope that one day we will be in a position to put your advice into practice

Didnt mean to derail the thread!

(And congrats to @blue2014 on the birth of bluelet, so happy for you. It is very early days and who knows if this match will work out. But I am in absolute awe speaking to the incredible surros who willingly go through pregnancy and birth just to help couples like us. They are superstars. It's fascinating how many say they absolutely love being pregnant - they don't want any more babies, but really love being pregnant. The lovely lady I'm speaking to has 4 children herself and really hopes to do 4 surro journeys - one surrobub for each of her own kids. Amazing.)

RustyParker · 03/12/2017 16:11

NHS pre-natal classes are extremely limited in terms of numbers so my worry would be that this man would potentially be taking the place of a woman who would need the class.

I can completely see this man making the birth all about him. We've all seen them on the ward and eye rolled at them. Let the twat read a book and let women get the real life help they actually need.