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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suspect this man might be a paedophile?

323 replies

user1495362060 · 02/12/2017 22:05

We have a playground in our neighborhood and usually on the weekends children play together while parents chat (there is sometimes a farmers market nearby). We just moved in half a year ago and have been coming regularly. There is kind of hippie laid back atmosphere there. One person however aroused my suspicion recently.

This man in his 40s frequently comes to play with the kids. He doesn’t have kids himself. He spends most of his time playing with them (catch, hide and seek - not really many places to hide there, mostly the kids are in our sight). He doesn’t chat a lot with other parents. Basically we would be there chatting and he would be running with our kids. The kids really like him. The parents seem to know him well and don’t mind him doing that.

I just recently learned he doesn’t actually have a child there after talking to him. He didn’t strike me as odd in any other way except this fact that he comes specifically to spend time with our kids despite not having his own.

I don’t necessarily want to raise this subject with other parents there, but this is supposed to be a red flag, right? I don’t understand really why they are so chill about this. Perhaps there is other explanation to why he is doing that. Would you be suspicious in this situation? I feel like I possibly shouldn’t let dc come there anymore, which is a pity because we all enjoy it.

OP posts:
fricative · 03/12/2017 05:22

I'm always weary of anyone without a DC/pet/friend etc.

Shit!

There'll be a flurry of peados going out to buy puppies if they see this insight!

Of course you're being unreasonable OP. He's done nothing wrong besides being a man in public.

Scrumplestiltskin · 03/12/2017 05:26

He's done nothing wrong besides being a man in public.

Not quite. There'd be nothing wrong if he was strolling the park, and enjoying the greenery. But he's running, chasing, touching, and handling children who are total strangers to him, as are their parents. I don't see any normal adult wanting to grab, touch, chase, and play with random stranger children at the park of a weekend.

But that's exactly how paedophiles groom children.

BitchQueen90 · 03/12/2017 06:19

I'm a bit on the fence with this one. It would raise some red flags for me but I do actually know somebody who goes to the park to watch kids play (she's female) as she genuinely loves children and can't have any of her own.

I'd just ensure that the DC don't go anywhere alone with him.

LoveDeathPrizes · 03/12/2017 06:49

There's just a bit too much self-assurance in actually engaging with and physically playing with the children. How can he not know how that comes across? Or he does, and that's the point.

Lime19 · 03/12/2017 07:58

Yeah this is weird behaviour for sure. I mean don't get me wrong, I think the world has gone the other way. A male relative told me he stopped his car lately to take a call and realised he had stopped outside a school. He parked elsewhere as he was worried people would think he was up to no good as a male alone outside a school.

Rebeccaslicker · 03/12/2017 08:04

This is sad because the man probably doesn't have a dodgy motive - he may just like kids or as PPs have suggested, he may be more comfortable with children for medical reasons. Esp if he doesn't seem to see how this might be construed in 2017.

But you can't take that risk because a small % of people out there are evil and therefore you are right to keep a close eye on him.

MissWilmottsGhost · 03/12/2017 08:22

Op not come back? Hmm

On the one hand, just because he doesn't have children himself doesn't mean he is not there with a child, DD often goes to the park with one of her childless uncles. If OP hasn't spoken to him, how the fuck does she/he know he is there alone?

On the other hand, grown men who prefer the company of children are a huge red glad to me. The posters saying "oh well he may have a learning disability/autism/mental illness" should be aware that they are not necessarily mutually exclusive with being a paedo. I was abused for years by my brother, often publicly, but everyone excused his behaviour because he has SN.

MissWilmottsGhost · 03/12/2017 08:28

A red flag

Damn you auto correct Hmm

streetlife70s · 03/12/2017 08:28

This exact scenario (plus camera phone being used) happened to us in a park a couple of years ago. Two of the bolder women in our group confronted him and told him his behaviour was odd. Cue a few mums saying ‘not all men alone are peados, you’re over reacting’ etc and the bloke told them to fuck off and walked off.

They actually called the police. They received a phone call later that day thanking them as he had indeed been collecting inappropriate photos of strangers children.

After that I became more suspicious of men paying too much attention to young children without good reason and stopped caring about ‘hysteria and paranoia’ and started being more questioning.

Recently my best friends little girls reception teacher has been arrested and is awaiting trial for taking upskirt shots of girls in his care.

Maybe I’ve been unlucky but I no longer give suspiciously behaving men the benefit of the doubt because in my experience blokes aren’t generally overly interested in random children that have nothing to do with them. I don’t think we have become more paranoid as a society.

Just more aware.

rachelracket · 03/12/2017 08:32

it's a bit unusual but there are many other possible explanations as well as him being a paedophile

Sensimilla · 03/12/2017 08:33

It's really worrying how many posters normalize this. I hope this thread at least serves to adjust their thinking

Sensimilla · 03/12/2017 08:33

What explanations Rachel?

Lizzie48 · 03/12/2017 08:45

I agree that LD and MH issues aren't mutually exclusive with being a danger to children. And befriending children in front of the parents is a tactic that is used to groom children into thinking they are a family friend and then they approach them later when their guard is down. You need to educate your children that such a personal is still a stranger.

gingergenius · 03/12/2017 08:53

Yep. Completely off. It would make me suspicious too.

doobeydoo · 03/12/2017 09:02

It is weird but weirder that the parents just stand back and watch him - I don't understand why any parent would just watch this and be happy with it when adults (other than relatives, family friends etc) who have sustained contact with kids have to be police vetted and as someone else said, many playgrounds have a no unaccompanied adult policy.

zen1 · 03/12/2017 09:08

Yes, a definite red flag. Not the same as people without children enjoying the company of others’ DC at family barbecues / parties etc. Why on earth would a man in his forties with no DC deliberately seek out a children’s playground at weekends and start playing with local children? I think it would be naive not to raise suspicions.

Lizzie48 · 03/12/2017 09:10

I think the issue is that as a parent you have to have your guard up where your children are concerned. Of course there's the possibility that this man is just lonely or whatever, but you don't know that. If it was my DDs, I'd be taking them home and then going to another park for a while.

I'd also contact the police on 101 and flag this up because for all you know this man might be known to them. (Again it's possible there's another explanation, but if there isn't and another child is targeted I would never forgive myself if I'd said nothing about my concerns.)

beechie12 · 03/12/2017 09:12

I would keep an eye on him. A lot of playgrounds have the rule no children without an adult and no adults without a child. I'd worry about the children becoming v trusting of a stranger.

Monkeypuzzle32 · 03/12/2017 09:42

As many others have said-his behaviour is not the norm-call 101 or your local community policing, keep your kids well away (I wouldn't even let any kids in my care be anywhere near him) paedophiles groom pretty much anyone they meet, always have a 'woe is me' tale and definitely play the long game-it's not always about being able to act immediately for them, they sow the seeds of befriending and wait to reap the rewards.
Instincts should never be ignored

Aeroflotgirl · 03/12/2017 09:48

Mabey he's a son of one of the villagers. Mabey he's lonely and likes kids. A bit strange though, if I were childless, a child's playground is the least likely places I would like to spend my time. Just keep your child close. Teach them about stranger ranger and keeping safe.

drspouse · 03/12/2017 09:52

If someone didn’t have kids but enjoyed being around them they’d work with them or be a scout leader or coach a team or babysit for friends. If they can’t do any of that you still wouldn’t randomly play with strangers kids in the park.
That was my thought. I enjoy playing children's games and did so before I had DCs. I am a Guider.

My first thought would be some kind of learning disability though - someone who finds adults/admin too hard to be a volunteer might do this.

drspouse · 03/12/2017 09:53

(And given this possibility, I'd be engaging with him in the playground).

Acrosstheuniverse123 · 03/12/2017 09:53

Am I the only person thinking this thread is borderline hysterical? This man is playing with children in a playground, watched by the parents, who have no problem with it. You don't appear to have asked any of them how they know this man , you are leaping to all sorts of conclusions. How can he be grooming kids when he is playing with them in full sight of the parents? I agree it is odd, and i would feel uneasy, but reporting him to the police? Assuming he must be something sinister? Perhaps he is lonely, genuinely likes children, is a relative or friend of the parents? This is how lynchings and etc start. Get the facts and try not to assume that this has to be a sinister situation. Actually try TALKING to the man.

JacquesHammer · 03/12/2017 09:55

I'm always suspicious of lone males in public places so this really takes the biscuit.

Seriously?? What are single men supposed to do....avoid public places?!

He's a paedophile, I guarantee it.

You really should think about joining the police with such super sleuthing skills that you're able to guarantee someone is a criminal by only reading someone's story on the internet.

OP. I don't think YABU to be wary. Rather than speculating, surely the most sensible thing to do would be to chat to some of the other parents?

There's an old boy I used to see regularly at the park. From talking to him - I know controversial - I discovered he and his wife had lost their only child when they were young. He got simple pleasure from watching children play in the park.

blueskypink · 03/12/2017 10:01

Totally agree about the long game Monkey. One of my dcs had a friend whose dad was oh so friendly with parents and children alike. He took part in as many parent get togethers as possible, always treated the kids to whatever cards they were collecting. We all grew to like and trust him and would happily let him give our dcs lifts, take them to parties, keep an eye on them etc.

He was divorced so he said he wanted to make the most of his time with his dcs and their friends. He missed being with them on a daily basis.

He was also a paedophile and is currently in prison.