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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suspect this man might be a paedophile?

323 replies

user1495362060 · 02/12/2017 22:05

We have a playground in our neighborhood and usually on the weekends children play together while parents chat (there is sometimes a farmers market nearby). We just moved in half a year ago and have been coming regularly. There is kind of hippie laid back atmosphere there. One person however aroused my suspicion recently.

This man in his 40s frequently comes to play with the kids. He doesn’t have kids himself. He spends most of his time playing with them (catch, hide and seek - not really many places to hide there, mostly the kids are in our sight). He doesn’t chat a lot with other parents. Basically we would be there chatting and he would be running with our kids. The kids really like him. The parents seem to know him well and don’t mind him doing that.

I just recently learned he doesn’t actually have a child there after talking to him. He didn’t strike me as odd in any other way except this fact that he comes specifically to spend time with our kids despite not having his own.

I don’t necessarily want to raise this subject with other parents there, but this is supposed to be a red flag, right? I don’t understand really why they are so chill about this. Perhaps there is other explanation to why he is doing that. Would you be suspicious in this situation? I feel like I possibly shouldn’t let dc come there anymore, which is a pity because we all enjoy it.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1495362060 · 03/12/2017 19:52

Just read the entire thread after being away for a day.
Thank you so much for your opinions, especially those of you who shared a personal story. I myself was assaulted as a child, by a father of a friend and there was obviously grooming to get my parents leave me alone in his care. Reading these stories brought up those memories and made me reconsider how I can be more careful to protect my dcs from something like this. Despite my own experience with sexual assault I didn’t even realize this guys behavior can be grooming, but now I do. I’ll be more careful in the future, and this is perhaps for the best that this situation made me think about this.

Just to make it clear, I am not saying I am sure this guy is 100 percent a sinister pervert. It’s just that I realized once again he can easily be one and such things happen everyday and can look just like this situation.

Regarding what I am going to do: I won’t let my child play with him anymore. If we see him there I will leave. I had a conversation with dc this evening and he told me he played with this guy because his friend played with him. He also was sure this is someone’s dad. So he decided “he was not really a stranger”. When I explained he isn’t anyone’s dad he was surprised.

I am going to very carefully ask this friends parents where they know this guy from. But as other posters have said even if they know and trust him it’s no guarantee that this situation is actually safe. So this is just to perhaps make them reavaluate their own position. I think I decided what I need to do for my own child.
Thanks again.

OP posts:
drspouse · 03/12/2017 20:02

Coram Fields a) has staff and b) is just a playground, no park and c) doesn't allow unaccompanied adults.

I remember seeing a group of well dressed men with one small child, they were clearly having a post-church bible study and I wasn't sure if they weren't there because one of them had a child in tow (to occupy the child) or if they invited the dad so they could go to the nice park near church!

Lizzie48 · 03/12/2017 20:09

Thank you for sharing your story, OP. Yes, there is grooming of the parents as well. When my DSis and I reported the assault I spoke of earlier (we were 8 and 6 when it happened), the detective investigating told my DM that the man had been grooming her as well. She was wary but didn't want to be unkind to a lonely old man. She's kicking herself now for not acting on her instincts. (We were abused by other people but this was the one time when she could have found out, especially as I actually said something about what happened but she didn't pick up on it.)

How much better it would be not to be 'kicking ourselves' afterwards but to prevent it in the first place!

It would be good to chat to the other parents, OP. Someone may know who he is. Or you might discover that there are others who share your concerns.

RogueBiscuit · 03/12/2017 21:13

All paedophiles share a common trait, which is that they relate better to children than adults so his behaviour is a big red flag.He's banking on you all being too polite to tell him to go away. Are there any dad's there?
In my experience most men don't worry about being polite in the same way women do.

I also wouldn't bother asking the other parents what they think because it doesn't matter. You don't like it and that's all that matters. Being influential by the group's opinion can be dangerous as the author of the book of fear describes.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 03/12/2017 21:52

Yes it did occur to me that this man may have selected a park where very polite mums hang out with their kids rather than less polite dads who might tell him to sling his hook if he was lucky

Ellisandra · 03/12/2017 22:15

Paedophiles don't "relate better to children" Hmm Paedophiles abuse children.

Many paedophiles relate perfectly well to other adults - hence why they often move freely among the children of those adults.

MrsLupo · 03/12/2017 22:24

Echoing what others have said, yes, weird, potentially dangerous.

If it were me, I would take my camera to the park next time I go and take some snapshots of my own children while he is around. Not only would a photograph be useful if the police end up being involved, but it would be interesting to see how long he sticks around after that.

DebiNewberry · 03/12/2017 22:45

Yep, it's weird, yes some parks where I live def do have staff - corams fields, Diana park with the pirate ship, and also parks police too. I think you are doing the right thing re making it very clear to your dc that he is a stranger behaving oddly and they absolutely do not need to be polite.

RogueBiscuit · 03/12/2017 23:25

Paedophiles don't "relate better to children" hmm Paedophiles abuse children.

Yes they do. It's well documented.

Tanith · 03/12/2017 23:35

"TrinitySquirrel no one is denying women can also abuse children but the idea they are just as prevalent as men but so clever as to avoid capture is ridiculous."

Nothing to do with cleverness: before Vanessa George, people were denying that women could be paedophiles at all. Their crimes were dismissed as "imagination" or blamed on male perpetrators.

Michele Elliot from Kidscape has written at length about it.

We just don't know how many women sexually abuse children. It could well turn out to be as prevalent as male abuse when more victims come forward and are believed.

brasty · 03/12/2017 23:44

Staff at parks go out of their way to make it clear they are staff.

Nipplesunited · 03/12/2017 23:50

YANBU - I would trust your gut. Despite everything making it seem you are potentially over thinking things, you still have the strong sense of something being 'off'.

It might all be innocent, but it might not. Just because everybody else seems to have no issue with this person, doesnt mean that they are right

Ojoj1974 · 03/12/2017 23:57

Without trying to cast doubt on this innocent person I would be concerned that this stranger might be grooming this children.
As his actions are public the children will perceive him as a good person and one their parents are
Aware of. Therefore building trust with these children
I would tell your children NOT to engage with him. At all.
I would tell the police if only cautionary

Newmanwannabe · 04/12/2017 04:47

I like spending time with adults. Sometimes I feel like I have no friends to hang out with. Do I go to the pub and join in with a group of people I don't know because I wish I had friends.. no. That would be weird.

Why do some people think it's ok for an adult to that with children they don't know?

QuackPorridgeBacon · 09/12/2017 00:29

Did you speak to the other parents op?

CauliflowerSqueeze · 09/12/2017 00:44

I think it’s very odd. I know loads of people in their 40s with and without kids. I don’t know any who go to parks to play with children they don’t know.

Most adults try to find places without kids!

NoCanoe · 09/12/2017 01:24

I've not read full thread. Apologies.
But a lone male or female in those circumstances would arouse some suspicions within me. I'd find it totally odd that a childless person would be there.

However, it maybe a parent who has lost a child and gets some comfort. Or someone who can't have children and just enjoys them.
But ...until you know more about him you unable to judge. So, yes, err on side of caution.
In these days men are far more aware of what appears to be inappropriate, especially uncles etc. So the fact he is unconcerned (?) worries me.
Get photos. I'm sure that has already been said.

Whoyagonna · 09/12/2017 01:37

I'd be watching him like a hawk too. As a pp mentioned, even though he might not have the opportunity (IF he was a paedophile) to do anything to anyone in the park, if he met one of the kids outside of that environment where parents are not there, a kid would trust him as he's not a stranger to them.
Being the gobby mare that I am, I'd probably interrogate him. 'I find it strange that you come to play with children in a park that you don't know'. Is there a reason why you do?

Paedophiles are more bloody common than most of us would ever dare to consider.

Whoyagonna · 09/12/2017 01:44

I'd love to know the statistics of the percentage of men who are caught. Then you can probably double that to include the ones who aren't caught.

Domani · 09/12/2017 04:02

Personally I would report this man to the police. It's more than odd.

Filzma · 09/12/2017 11:07

OP any updates?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 09/12/2017 13:05

He could be a (misguided) decent man...anyone who genuinely loves kids realises they should be safeguarded and need to spend time around kids in official crb checked roles... Not hanging around playgrounds having contact with others kids...

Or he could be a paedophile...

Some very good points /posts above... Italian greyhounds particularly, and heartbreaking personal accounts of being assaulted by lonely old Bob...

I worked in Child protection for years...

Sucessful paedophiles (ones who don't get caught) are very good at grooming whole families.

Grooming can take place anywhere... Yes including 'in front' of you... They are very good at winning peoples trust..

They are unlikely to do anything obvious to start with... But lonely old Bob now has a name as he is seen by parents most weeks at kiddy Park... Lonely old Bob has even told them of the awful story of his baby daughter's cot death and his brothers suicide at 14.....
Lonely old Bob has a name... People feel sorry for him... They smile indulgently as LOB starts off over several visits:
1 with chatting to kids.
2 Then pushes them on swings
3 Then lifts the toddlers into the swings..
4 Then is playing tag... Where LOB grabs their shoulders when caught...
5 Then is playing a tickling game... This is happening on visit 8 to the playground...

Everyone knows LOB is just, well, 'lonely'...

LOB is very skilled at making friends with parents/sharing his flask of hot soup...
He's even collected a couple of kids from school when their mums were ill.

He also is very good at isolating kids in the playground just out of sight of the parents...

Or places himself in between the kids and parents....

Crustyoddsocks · 18/12/2017 23:57

Any update? OP I think you need to tread carefully but equally you have a right/responceability to know who is mixing with your children and why.

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