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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suspect this man might be a paedophile?

323 replies

user1495362060 · 02/12/2017 22:05

We have a playground in our neighborhood and usually on the weekends children play together while parents chat (there is sometimes a farmers market nearby). We just moved in half a year ago and have been coming regularly. There is kind of hippie laid back atmosphere there. One person however aroused my suspicion recently.

This man in his 40s frequently comes to play with the kids. He doesn’t have kids himself. He spends most of his time playing with them (catch, hide and seek - not really many places to hide there, mostly the kids are in our sight). He doesn’t chat a lot with other parents. Basically we would be there chatting and he would be running with our kids. The kids really like him. The parents seem to know him well and don’t mind him doing that.

I just recently learned he doesn’t actually have a child there after talking to him. He didn’t strike me as odd in any other way except this fact that he comes specifically to spend time with our kids despite not having his own.

I don’t necessarily want to raise this subject with other parents there, but this is supposed to be a red flag, right? I don’t understand really why they are so chill about this. Perhaps there is other explanation to why he is doing that. Would you be suspicious in this situation? I feel like I possibly shouldn’t let dc come there anymore, which is a pity because we all enjoy it.

OP posts:
flumpybear · 03/12/2017 10:02

I think it sounds odd, also sounds like he could easily be grooming them ‘we know each other, we play in the park’ type of behaviour to win affection or trust - I wouldn’t like it personally

TovaGoldCoin · 03/12/2017 10:09

I'm a SA survivor (and I use that term because it's affected me deeply). I was 'lightly' assaulted by a lone man in a park. I was sexually assaulted by a local man who decorated his house as a Christmas grotto and encouraged children to play in it, and gave gifts and things. New to the area, my parents thought this was lovely, and we were allowed to go and play with the other children. Didn't know that he was an old perv and all the other parents didn't let their children go alone. He assaulted my brother and I.
I would ask a few parents what they actually know about this bloke, as it really is the kind of grooming behaviour that predatory paedophiles use.

Andrewofgg · 03/12/2017 10:14

beechie12 I sometimes meet DW's niece and her LO, who is 3, in the play area at the park. (I also take her there alone and appear to anyone who sees us as her GF).

So if they are running late and I sit on a bench and wait for them I am a suspicious character, as an adult and especially a man without a child? I am cautious about taking out my phone but if it pips (perhaps because the niece is texting me to say they will be late) can I use it?

Aeroflotgirl · 03/12/2017 10:22

The thing is, you don't know what this man's intentions are, so you have to be cautious. Mabey ask who he is? Does anyone know him, and why he hangs about the playground. If you are concerned, call 111.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/12/2017 10:24

Certainly, don't let your children play alone, whilst he's there.

flumpybear · 03/12/2017 10:27

Also educate your children, use this man as an example of what to do if you ever saw him when you’re alone etc

Aeroflotgirl · 03/12/2017 10:35

Thinking of April Jones, who knew her killer, it was her friends dad, so thought nothing of getting into his car that night. He might be totally innocent, then again, he might not, so be very careful, tell your children to. Not to go with anybody unless its mum or dad. Mabey give them a code word to use that only you and they know.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 03/12/2017 10:44

The op has spoken to the man so O think it would be apparent if he had an impairment severe enough that they thought befriending children was ok. Most people living independently with learning difficulties would have been taught this isn't ok - for their own safety if nothing else.
The only legitimate reason the man would have for being there would be if he was an uncle or godparent or something of one of the children.
Have you decided what you're going to do op?

BishBoshBashBop · 03/12/2017 11:10

There'd be nothing wrong if he was strolling the park, and enjoying the greenery

According to some on this thread he his, because he doesn't have a friend, DC or a pet they shouldn't be in the park Wink

Bummybum · 03/12/2017 11:14

Some playgrounds now will ask you to leave if you do t have a child with you. Clissold park in London have been doing that for 15 plus years actually.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 03/12/2017 11:15

Where has anyone said he shouldn't be in the park? There are plenty of lone adults in parks walking their dogs or going for a run or walk, feeding the birds, eating lunch etc. That's perfectly normal. Befriending young children you don't know and playing hide and seek with them isn't normal.

Spikeyball · 03/12/2017 11:32

It's odd behaviour if he isn't a relative/ friend of family of one of the children. It's different from someone just enjoying watching children play.
Regarding LD if someone has them severe enough not to understand that physical contact with children you don't know isn't socially acceptable, they would probably have a carer with them who could make sure it doesn't go beyond playing alongside.

InsomniacAnonymous · 03/12/2017 11:32

CorbynsBumFlannel "Where has anyone said he shouldn't be in the park?"

Well, for a start, whoever it was that JacquesHammer quoted as saying "I'm always suspicious of lone males in public places so this really takes the biscuit.".

FireCracker2 · 03/12/2017 11:37

Some playgrounds now will ask you to leave if you do t have a child with you
How does a playground ask you something? Confused They are never staffed

Bummybum · 03/12/2017 11:43

@FireCracker2

Clissold park for one does. For many years. The park staff are informed by parents if there are lone adults there and they’ll ask you to leave. As I said, they’ve been doing that for 15+ years.

I’m not making it up. Hmm

Lots of London playgrounds are staffed.

Bummybum · 03/12/2017 11:44

Or at least have park staff that pop in to the playgrounds.

Spikeyball · 03/12/2017 11:44

Or rather I meant playing alongside using the equipment is ok ( and something adults with sld may enjoy and it would be unfair to stop them doing this in a safe way) but playing games isn't.

Bummybum · 03/12/2017 11:46

Also Diana memorial and Coram Fields. That’s just the ones I know of.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 03/12/2017 12:09

So 1 person on 10 pages of comments then? But let's pick that out to argue that people who would sensibly be concerned about the ops situation are paranoid.

Lizzie48 · 03/12/2017 12:24

It isn't being hysterical. For those of us who are SA survivors, it destroyed our childhoods when the worst actually did happen. Parks are places that paedophiles do target, fact. I wasn't there so obviously it's possible that he was just a lonely man who wanted to spend time with other people's children.

But it's behaviour that would put my guard up. As parents, it's our job to keep our kids safe. If that means I get accused of being paranoid so be it.

SwimmingInLemonade · 03/12/2017 12:39

This thread seems to be split between people who understand how paedophiles operate, and those who don't.

Questions like "How can he be grooming kids when he is playing with them in full sight of the parents?" - because THAT'S WHAT GROOMING IS!

And it's all very well to suggest OP talks to the man - he's not going to confess all, is he?

The conversations she's already had with him have established that a) he doesn't have any SN or learning difficulties which could explain why he thinks hanging around a kid's playground is normal behaviour, and b) that he doesn't have kids. (Unless we choose to believe he was just lying about that because he thought OP's question was nosy Hmm)

I would definitely let the police know, you might find that a bobby hanging around might affect the man's behaviour, which would be revealing in itself, and other parents might have a lightbulb moment and stop trying to be so "cool" about how non-suspicious they are of strangers playing with their children.

RolfNotRudolf · 03/12/2017 12:39

When my Dc was in primary school he said a couple of things about his teacher that sounded ever so slightly off, but he was a hugely popular teacher and I thought his actions were naive, rather than sinister. A year later he was convicted of viewing CSA images. Listen to your instinct - child sex abusers tend to operate in plain sight of everyone , that's part of their MO. Your person may just be totally naive, or he may have bad intentions - you are right to be cautious.

JacquesHammer · 03/12/2017 12:42

This thread seems to be split between people who understand how paedophiles operate, and those who don't

Or indeed those of us who understand very well how paedophiles work but also appreciate that conversing with people in the playground could, you know, make the whole situation make sense without the "burn the fucker" mentality

Andrewofgg · 03/12/2017 12:44

A park is not a playground although it may include one. A park that is not a playground or the part of one that isn't is for everyone and that includes the man taking a walk, with or without a dog, although he should avoid interaction with children for his sake as much as theirs. And as I said upthread there may be excellent reasons for him being at the play area too.

Wauden · 03/12/2017 12:46

By the way, plenty of paedophiles have their own children. The fact that he is childless is not always an indicator.

Trust your instincts. He could be one, in plain sight.

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