To suspect this man might be a paedophile?

[user1495362060]

We have a playground in our neighborhood and usually on the weekends children play together while parents chat (there is sometimes a farmers market nearby). We just moved in half a year ago and have been coming regularly. There is kind of hippie laid back atmosphere there. One person however aroused my suspicion recently.

This man in his 40s frequently comes to play with the kids. He doesn’t have kids himself. He spends most of his time playing with them (catch, hide and seek - not really many places to hide there, mostly the kids are in our sight). He doesn’t chat a lot with other parents. Basically we would be there chatting and he would be running with our kids. The kids really like him. The parents seem to know him well and don’t mind him doing that.

I just recently learned he doesn’t actually have a child there after talking to him. He didn’t strike me as odd in any other way except this fact that he comes specifically to spend time with our kids despite not having his own.

I don’t necessarily want to raise this subject with other parents there, but this is supposed to be a red flag, right? I don’t understand really why they are so chill about this. Perhaps there is other explanation to why he is doing that. Would you be suspicious in this situation? I feel like I possibly shouldn’t let dc come there anymore, which is a pity because we all enjoy it.

The more i think about this the more im wondering if it’s genuine - i can’t quite picture it. Do you @op and the other adults just stand there and smile from a distance while adult random man plays hide and seek with your children? Do you ask your kids anything at all? Like his name, what he says to them? Anything? I can’t imagine a group of mothers and not one has the sense to comment or ask a question. SOunds seriously creepy the whole thing.

Yes, Zigzag, I understand. Thanks for clarifying.

I found myself in a situation last year where a man I'd come to be acquainted with through being in a local group. On one occasion he had a, what sort of seemed to be legitimate, reason to spend hours alone in my house. (First and only and last time). This was over a day of busy group action and he feigned illness (we now know) and persuaded us he'd be a sort of "base coordinator". My children were never around or present at any time he was there. But I don't know and will never know what this man did alone in my house for hours. With his laptop.

Guess what? He's now in prison for making, downloading and distributing over 30,000 images of brutal child sexual abuse. Had lived opposite my children's primary school for decades.

I had a sarcastic way of saying "crack on". Really I'm as much berating myself for wondering how none of us had a clue and just cracked on because he was in a position of some pretty high clout.

Speak to him and find out what he may be doing there? Theres ways to do that without sounding hostile. Also speak to the other parents who live round there and seem to be friendly to them and just ask who he is and if they know him.
If it still seems dodgy after all that then yes i wouldnt let your kids play in that park any more.
You might find however that theres some explanation. Id seriously doubt that people who have lived there a long time and seem to actually know him would allow their kids to play with him if they had concerns. Maybe you might get the odd parents who is too trusting.... but loads of them? There must be some sort of reason so really id ask around about it.
Does he live right next to the park? (I used to live in a flat next to a park which had no garden and so I would often be in the park even tho I had no children at the time... granted I didnt actively approach any kids to play with them, but I would play with them sometimes if they came up to me and tried to play with me) Has he lost a child and everyone local knows about it? Does he have mild earning difficulties that arent immediately obvious but that everyone local knows about?

You need more info I think.

I would not let my children alone with him, just as I would not let them alone with any other stranger. However I wouldn't stop them from playing with him. Some people do love the company of children and life just hasn't given them their own.

No, @stella23 if she was a woman she'd be statistically less likely to be a paedophile who was caught or convicted. Female paedophiles are probably just as prevalent, just not recognised by society to the same level yet. People are the risk, not the gender.

So there are just as many female child abusers but for some mysterious reason they don't get caught as often? Sorry that's rubbish and not backed up by any evidence whatsoever

I am excessively paranoid about things but I would think it is rational to be weary in this instance. For example someone said hi to my teenage nephew on the street and called him by name, in front of DH and I and I automatically stepped closer to N in a protective manner, N then said it is X, who the rest of my family all know and I relaxed a little. He did the same thing with an older teenager who he was talking to at a bus stop who he knew from an out of school activity. (I have poor facial recognition skills so it takes me quite a while to place people). My family are used to explaining things like this to me, like when I am at a play centre and see a random person approaching a group of kids that one of my N's is a part of I will look at my sister and she will say that is Y's dad/brother/uncle/etc.

There could be an innocent explanation such as an uncle of one of the other kids who doesn't get along with the parents but gets to see them at the park once a week or whatever but you need to know so ask. If you are told something like that then check with the parents of the child they are there to see. Even ask your children if they know if he is related to any of them in an off-hand way. If you can't get a satisfactory answer stop going and maybe tell your local PCSO.

Yes it is strange. I wouldn't like that either.

Also I wouldn't be offended explaining my presence or that of my OH to people because it is normal to be weary & we don't have kids. We went to collect another N from infant school and I made a point of saying to OH things about collecting N to reassure parents who hadn't seen us before and offered ID to the teacher (my sibling had already informed school we would be collecting that day)

'Really I'm as much berating myself for wondering how none of us had a clue and just cracked on because he was in a position of some pretty high clout'

It's those 'pillars of the community' wankers who do this that make me most mad, people who play on the justifications that tiptopteepe's just written, that surely with so many people around them seemingly happy that they're trustworthy and respectable, then they must be.

Because so many people can't all be wrong can they?

That's not to victim blame any parents who don't see them coming though. The lies and manipulation these cunts use to get to children and satisfy their deviant sexual perversions can seem totally plausible, even to someone on the watch out for any flags.

I'd be inclined to have a word with your local community police officer. They might be in a good place to work out if this is sinister or innocent.

I know the example I gave upthread was from the 1970s but as far as I'm aware I was the only child who was warned not to spend time with "Uncle Jim". None of the other parents seemed bothered, and that man was in the school playground at playtime, playing physical games with the children. He was a paedophile. He was eventually arrested, charged and convicted of sexual crimes against children, but he was accepted and considered harmless by parents and by the school!

More recently and a more general example of parents not being aware of safeguarding, or not bothered about it. A few years ago I managed a community centre. There were lots of different activities and people about the building, which had a couple of halls, a cafe and an office used by a local charity. One of these activities was a dance class for children. Parents brought their children - pre- and primary-school age girls - and got them changed into their dance outfits in the communal hallway of the building. Little girls, stripped to their knickers. A number of other Centre users complained about this, and said that they were uncomfortable having to walk past and occasionally even step over near naked children lying on the floor. When I suggested to the parents that the children either came dressed for their class, or changed in the toilets or in a screened off area in the large hall where the class was held - they were outraged! I was given a really hard time by parents who seemed to think it was ok for them to strip their children in public. In a building yes, but in a building used by many other people.

So, yeah, strange as it may seem, many parents are unaware of red flags and are unhappy with what I see as very basic safeguarding measures.

Pawpainting, I haven't got any evidence to back this up either, but I thought maybe female child abusers are mostly manipulated into doing whatever it is they do by predatory males?

I'm thinking of the type of scum like Vanessa George? And there are a few examples of women using their access to children to violate them on behalf of a man.

To everyone who say YABU remember that child abusers always groom the parents too. Read ‘the gift of fear’. Very odd behaviour to say the least, especially these days where most people would not even want to look at a child bc they know parents will be suspicious.

earlier this year I was at a playground with my DC,DP,MIL and stepFIL. The playground was huge and lots of children were around. I was watching DS at the swings and a man was talking to him while pushing another child on the swing. MIL and I decided to go over to see if DS was okay. We overheard the man asking my DS where he lived, what school he went to etc. MIL went to get DP who was playing football with DS2 and I told my DS to come with me. The man started abusing me, telling me I was paranoid and he was not doing anything wrong. My DP stepped in and told him to stop. We saw another woman come over and it was her daughter that the man was pushing and she didn't know him.

On the other hand, my brother is a children's minister at a church and part of his job is organising children's activities. I don't go to church but took my youngest to a toddlers music class he had organised. I was a single parent at the time and my brother was dancing with my child while I watched and one of the mothers, who had never met me and had never been to the church started abusing my brother for dancing with my child because she thought it was inappropriate. I came over and explained he was my brother and my child knew him well. She left rather quickly.

YANBU OP, it’s weird and to those who think OP is being paranoid , you and people with such laid back attitudes are just the sort of people that paedophiles rely on , never heard of hiding in plain sight.

It's very strange for the simple fact that most people would never dream of doing that no matter how innocent it is because they are aware that it's not quite a normal thing to do and would look suspicious, just like the way we don't stare at people on buses or break any other social norms!

Although this is based on no scientific evidence whatsoever, time and time again I have found – as a normally sensitive person, probably more leather-hided than most people – that when I have a bad gut feeling about something, it's an alarm bell that should not be ignored.

Unfortunately the way I have learned this is by repeatedly ignoring those alarm bells and later regretting it.

The difficulty is that at the point where you decide to ignore the gut feeling it's easy to rationalise doing so, because acting on it might be seen as over-sensitive or irrational or like you're a snob or not giving the benefit of the doubt. It's especially hard for women, because a) we're taught to 'play nice' and b) we're taught that logic is superior to instinct.

Acting on a gut feeling means you might even cut yourself off from opportunities, like deciding not to take a great job because your potential boss gives you a creepy feeling. And when you decide to follow your gut feeling and avoid a particular situation because you don't feel 100 percent about it, you don't necessarily ever get to find out whether that was the right decision or not.

The way I look at it is that it's never easy to take a principled stand, particularly when the principle is based on "This just doesn't feel right to me". But in my experience, it's best to make that hard choice, and swerve away from a potentially much worse situation down the line.

Has he got a Learning disability ?

FireCracker, OP says he seems to be neurotypical.

'Has he got a Learning disability ?'

If I can say this without being goady, does that really make a difference over whether a man can have legitimate access to children?

Not IMO.

I was going to say something but to be honest Gacapa has said it so well....

"I know a reasonable number of men who don't have kids, but enjoy the company of their friends'/family's children. I'm sure most of us do. But if any of them told me they frequently hang around on their own at a local playground to play with strangers' children I'd be completely WTAF?!

I wouldn't care about any potentially "innocent" motives re. this bloke, OP. It's at best odd. And actually just bang out of order. He can go get CRB checked and do something official and supervised through the proper channels if he's that interested in interacting with children.

Any right thinking man, with consideration and awareness, would realise that this behaviour falls outside of appropriate boundaries."

And Budecah "Can we just clarify something here to pp who think he sounds normal : it’s NOT normal for childless, grown men to go to playgrounds to play with children."

Xihha I am so sorry to hear what happened to you. Thank you for telling us because it is important to remember what can happen.

ReanimatedSGB "She doesn't know if 'No, I don't have any children' means 'I am a weirdo'" - Not having kids doesn't make you a weirdo. Hanging around in a park without your own kids is weird. If a parent with kids went without them to hang around in a park, I would consider that weird too.

"or 'I am the brother of [another parent]" - I'd still feel suspicious of a man I didn't know at all playing with my kids,

"...or half way through my nursery worker training and getting some extra experience," Not sure how random unverifiable experience with kids in a park would count for anything,

"... or even I work in a care home and some of the kids are kids I am key worker for.'" Very few kids live in care homes in the UK (assuming this is the UK) and again that really would not be an excuse for me.

As someone else said, I'd expect someone who worked with kids to understand about safe guarding more than most!

"...a single parent of one of the DC and have given OP a stupid answer because he was fed up with being asked nosy questions." Then he is very, very stupid.

"... there really isn't one under every shrub." No one assumes there is, but I think we just want to do the best to ensure that people who have access to our children are safe, and this doesn't sound safe.

WishfulThinking27 "My first thought would be autistic but I wouldn't be concerned at all if it was all in full view of the parents. I think your instincts of the possibility of him having lost a child or a sibling could be right. Don't go wading in assuming the worst."

Even if he had lost a sibling or a child it doesn't explain this behaviour. It is possible to volunteer or work with kids without having any, anyone who wants to help with kids in an organised way can volunteer to do so, but just turning up and mixing with kids is not on. I would assume the worst or at the very least that having kids hanging around with a random man is teaching them to blur the boundaries of what they know to be safe.

TrinitySquirrel no one is denying women can also abuse children but the idea they are just as prevalent as men but so clever as to avoid capture is ridiculous.

AND if we have to be equally suspicious of women as of men then bring it on, because this beahviour is not appropriate for anyone.

These people rely on the majority thinking they're ok to get away with things but it doesn't mean there isn't something off about the situation. They gain trust of parents and children and will ensure they have access to them through work or other trusted positions. They do this by spending time with kids in settings where the parent is comfortable, so that the kids will trust them too because mummy does.

I've known of this with a woman who latched on to a vulnerable family. She offered to give lifts to the child and to be helpful in any way and tried to become a central part of the family's life over a short time. She tried to gain time alone with the child, dress them, bribe them with gifts and do things like tickling under clothes infront of other adults. This kind of behaviour is deliberate grooming. Everyone trusted the woman as they were a CM. She ended up stalking the woman and turned extremely horrible when the mother realised and started trying to escape her.

An abuser will only be abusive in secret to the person they are abusing, just because they're charming and fun with everyone else doesn't mean they're not dangerous. Working with children is not an excuse for an adult to be spending their free time alone going to a playground to play with strangers children. I don't think anyone would be offended by reporting it to SS or the police, i think they would support the view of better safe than sorry?

Some playgrounds have a no unaccompanied adults for a reason. I would either avoid the park or if my child started playing with this man go over and stop it very loudly while telling the man that I did not allow my dc to play with strangers

He's a paedophile, I guarantee it.
No adult would regularly go out of their way to play with the children of strangers in a park, unless they had nefarious purposes in mind (or were intellectually disabled, which this man isn't.)
Call the police and talk to them about your concerns; it's absolutely not a waste of their time. It could potentially save children from sexual abuse that causes lifelong trauma.
Adults don't spend their weekends playing with the children of strangers unless it's their (volunteer,) job, in which case they'll often have had background checks etc, to ensure the children's safety. Adults who don't work or volunteer with children understand how weird and inappropriate it would be to play with random strangers' children, and don't do so. Unless they're paedophiles.
It's not normal.