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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suspect this man might be a paedophile?

323 replies

user1495362060 · 02/12/2017 22:05

We have a playground in our neighborhood and usually on the weekends children play together while parents chat (there is sometimes a farmers market nearby). We just moved in half a year ago and have been coming regularly. There is kind of hippie laid back atmosphere there. One person however aroused my suspicion recently.

This man in his 40s frequently comes to play with the kids. He doesn’t have kids himself. He spends most of his time playing with them (catch, hide and seek - not really many places to hide there, mostly the kids are in our sight). He doesn’t chat a lot with other parents. Basically we would be there chatting and he would be running with our kids. The kids really like him. The parents seem to know him well and don’t mind him doing that.

I just recently learned he doesn’t actually have a child there after talking to him. He didn’t strike me as odd in any other way except this fact that he comes specifically to spend time with our kids despite not having his own.

I don’t necessarily want to raise this subject with other parents there, but this is supposed to be a red flag, right? I don’t understand really why they are so chill about this. Perhaps there is other explanation to why he is doing that. Would you be suspicious in this situation? I feel like I possibly shouldn’t let dc come there anymore, which is a pity because we all enjoy it.

OP posts:
Insomnibrat · 02/12/2017 23:12

It only takes a few minutes to teach a child about stranger danger AND incorporate in that chat about how the man in the park is not their friend and is in fact, a stranger.

Budecah · 02/12/2017 23:12

Can we just clarify something here to pp who think he sounds normal : it’s NOT normal for childless, grown men to go to playgrounds to play with children.

From what the OP has said, this man doesn’t have a low mental age or anything suggesting he isn’t fully mentally matured and able.

What kind of man thinks it’s ok to pop down to the local playground and hangout with the kids? Whilst almost ignoring the parents? No responsible man or woman would cross boundaries like that. Even if the silly parents seem cool with it. It’s completly inappropriate on many levels.

WellThisIsShit · 02/12/2017 23:13

“You're the reason men feel like they can't even look at children without being accused of being a paedophile”

No, she isn’t, really.

Does Anyone have a friend or family member who trundles off to the same park every week to wait for strangers children to play with? Does anyone even know of someone in real life who does this?

It’s really NOT normal behaviour and whether this man means harm or not to these children, it’s not a good idea for anyone involved.

It makes the children less safe as it blurs their boundaries and shows them that ‘don’t go with strangers’ doesn’t mean lone men who hang out in playgrounds. I know most abuse is within families but that’s no reason to allow children to be more vulnerable than they should be in other situations.

By the way, I wouldn’t be reassured by the ‘he’s always in eyeshot’ thing.

I’ve heard of many very sad stories of children being abused right in front of other adults without the abuser arousing any kind of suspicion. And if he’s in a playground he won’t be that close to the parents really.

Lucisky · 02/12/2017 23:13

You certainly need to speak to the other parents about this, it sounds very odd. Most of the single childless adult males I know would rather spend their time down the pub with their mates, not playing with a load of random children in a playground. Strange and certainly questionable behaviour.

Julie8008 · 02/12/2017 23:14

Do you go and play with other people's children at the park on your own?

I play with my DC (or did when they were that age), sometimes other children joined in and I played with them. Is that weird? If the parents are their in full view I dont care if my children play with a 'stranger'. I find it uncomfortable demonising people without good reason.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 02/12/2017 23:14

I can't believe that there are actually people on here who think it's paranoid to suggest that young kids making friends with any random person in their 40's in the park is not a good idea! What the actual fuck am I reading???

Lizzie48 · 02/12/2017 23:14

I agree that this would be a good time to make use of Sarah's Law.

Xihha · 02/12/2017 23:15

Does he have any connection to any of the other children? Uncle, godfather, parents friend etc? If not then yeah it is weird.

I was raped as a child, the guy started off quite innocently chatting to us in town with my parents there, amusing all the kids at coffee mornings, very much like you describe. Everything was fine for years, no rumours or anything worrying and my parents used to say hi to him in town etc, so when I started secondary school and walked home by myself I didn't think there was anything wrong about him walking with me because I had known him for years, we started chatting and he always turned off at his house, no issues, then one day he told me he had a book that I had been on about (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, it had just come out and I was desperate to get my hands on it) 'tell you what why don't we grab it, you can borrow it' so I went into his house.

I'm not saying every man who plays with kids in a park is grooming them and this man may be completely innocent but it is not unknown for paedophiles to spend years getting to know their victims and building up trust, and a child won't necessarily realise the difference between ok to talk to in front of parents and safe to be alone with.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 02/12/2017 23:16

But Julie this guy is childless so has no reason to even be there as far as the op is aware.
I've no idea why the op hasn't just asked the other parents who he is though. It would be the first thing I would do.

fabulous01 · 02/12/2017 23:17

I think it is weird and no way would I let him near mine
For those that don’t see a problem. Would you say that if someone without kids turned up at soft play. Adults don’t always pay so no difference to a park
And I would also be suspicious if it was a woman

Julie8008 · 02/12/2017 23:18

his guy is childless so has no reason to even be there as far as the op is aware

The only point I was making is that enjoying (innocently) playing with children is not weird. we dont know this guys situation and painting him as a paedophile without good reason is unfair.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 02/12/2017 23:19

Yanbu

How many adults do you know that play with children they don’t know and the games they are playing hide n seek and catch both give plenty of opportunity for this man to innocently touch the children he is playing with

Abusers are often very apt at making others question their suspicions making something that isn’t quite right appear perfectly normal

Don’t trust this man you have no need to

Gacapa · 02/12/2017 23:19

But he's not with his own kids and others joining in.

He's a middle aged man regularly going, ON HIS OWN, to a playground to mix with the random children of strangers.

I can't believe there are people who think there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Pandapenguin · 02/12/2017 23:21

@julie playing with children you don’t know, in a park; IS WEIRD. Either you’re trying to wind people up or maybe you lack understanding of boundaries as well.

Lizzie48 · 02/12/2017 23:22

I'm so sorry, Xihha, it was like that with the man who befriended my DSis and me. We've since been through a police investigation, connected with another man who joined in as the man who befriended us is dead. The thing is, the police found out that my DM wasn't the only one who had suspicions, but nobody acted on them! And it can clearly happen as easily now despite our increased understanding about the grooming of children. Hmm

Insomnibrat · 02/12/2017 23:23

I'd like to know more about why the other mums seem to think he's ok.

Surely all these other mothers aren't devoid of maternal protective instincts too? What do they know that the OP and in turn, we, don't?

Seeingadistance · 02/12/2017 23:25

Julie. This is not a dad who is there with his own children and is happy to let other children join in with their games.

This is a man who is there on his own, who has no children, doesn't really interact with the parents, and seems to be there for the sole purpose of playing with and gaining the trust of the children.

Like it or not, that is very unusual behaviour, and the OP is very right to be suspicious.

As I've already pointed out the only time I've encountered such a man, he did turn out to be a paedophile.

Barbiesears · 02/12/2017 23:27

Individuals in groups of people tend to not want to embarrass themselves by speaking up and risking looking paranoid in this situations. It wouldn't shock me if they all are uncomfortable but none of them want to be the one who speaks up and risks the kind of sneering you can see from a few posters on here.

greenlanes · 02/12/2017 23:27

From my safeguarding training and the reading about it, this sounds like very classic grooming, do read the mother's account of Her son breck bednar . Just how her son's friends introduced the groomer, they all stuck by him, all claimed they knew him etc. They didn't of course. This situation would make me beyond wary. I would want a name and I would be contacting the local police. I also wouldn't trust any of the local parents until I had established for myself the situation.,

AgentZigzag · 02/12/2017 23:27

'and painting him as a paedophile without good reason is unfair.'

Seems like there are plenty of good reasons/red flags to me.

And unfair to who?

The bloke?

Boo fucking hoo, maybe he'll pack it in and go and pursue more legit adult pastimes like golf, watching the footy, seeing friends, computer gaming, fishing etc etc etc etc.

Lizzie48 · 02/12/2017 23:27

But do they really think he's ok? I'm assuming the OP hasn't said what she actually thinks to them, so they won't know that she has any concerns. But the sad thing is that people often don't act on their anxieties, tell themselves they're being paranoid.

Filzma · 02/12/2017 23:31

@mirime like I said, he may, he may not be. Wouldn't sit ( stand/play) around waiting to find out.

When it comes to kids safety, it's guilty until proven innocent I'm afraid. Neighbours, nursery workers, relatives. What make you think you're not that rare one of case?

Then again I could be at the far end of the suspicious spectrum. I'd rather be than not tbh. Sorry if anyone's offended.

Julie8008 · 02/12/2017 23:31

Seems the point I was trying to make hasn't been understood or accepted, so I will bow out of this thread.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 02/12/2017 23:31

I doubt you are the only one who has concerns but like you others are questioning him becuase he doesn’t give off a creepy vibe he seems normal and it’s not nice to be

CorbynsBumFlannel · 02/12/2017 23:32

If I saw this happening the first thing I would do would be to ask the other parents who he was. If they didn't know my kids would be coming to stand with me or we'd be leaving. Why would anyone want to teach their kids that it's ok to bedfriend a lone 40 yr old stranger? If you're there giving it the ok they'll think it's fine when they're old enough to go to the park on their own.