To suspect this man might be a paedophile?

[user1495362060]

We have a playground in our neighborhood and usually on the weekends children play together while parents chat (there is sometimes a farmers market nearby). We just moved in half a year ago and have been coming regularly. There is kind of hippie laid back atmosphere there. One person however aroused my suspicion recently.

This man in his 40s frequently comes to play with the kids. He doesn’t have kids himself. He spends most of his time playing with them (catch, hide and seek - not really many places to hide there, mostly the kids are in our sight). He doesn’t chat a lot with other parents. Basically we would be there chatting and he would be running with our kids. The kids really like him. The parents seem to know him well and don’t mind him doing that.

I just recently learned he doesn’t actually have a child there after talking to him. He didn’t strike me as odd in any other way except this fact that he comes specifically to spend time with our kids despite not having his own.

I don’t necessarily want to raise this subject with other parents there, but this is supposed to be a red flag, right? I don’t understand really why they are so chill about this. Perhaps there is other explanation to why he is doing that. Would you be suspicious in this situation? I feel like I possibly shouldn’t let dc come there anymore, which is a pity because we all enjoy it.

Just seen an example of how Parents enabling this (odd) situation may make children more vulnerable.

It’s an experiment conducted by an American news channel, where they set up a test in a local playground where a man with a cute dog tried to get children to follow him. Quite a few children either forgot all the rules their parents had tried to instil, or thought those rules didn’t apply. No matter how simple we make rules for our kids, real life is messy and confused, with masses of grey areas, which children find hard to navigate.

Massively mixed messages to say ‘stranger danger’ type stuff whilst then sitting and smiling as a ‘stranger’ plays with the children and is allowed to befriend and generally take over the main grown up authority in that situation.

@julie you seem to do that on a lot of threads. Strange.

Lizzie48 That's what gets me, my parents thought he was 'a bit odd' but never said anything in case they were wrong, they spoke to him to be polite. Sadly other parents made the same mistake, partly my fault for not speaking out sooner but if any of them had thought to ask who the fuck this weirdo hanging round their kids is he couldn't have done it.

Obviously this is weird and YANBU

Pressed post to soon..

It’s not nice to accuse an innocent man of something so terrible

But all you are doing is raising a concern as his behaviour is making you uncomfortable

Really this is classic grooming behaviour he might not be but keep in mind this is how many abusers act out like and some you just won’t pick up that they are strange or odd but something their actions will often raise concerns don’t ignore those concerns speak out about them

It is weird and I wouldn't be comfortable with it. I would report it and stop going until it was looked into.

He needs reporting. Very odd behaviour if he has no kids there of his own.

If you're genuinely trying to see it from the blokes pov Julie, it's that passing this kind of behaviour off as innocent or believing that he must have a good reason to be there, or he'd never do anything right in front of parents faces, that let people like savile get away with the things he did for so long.

The stereotype of the bloke hanging around the school gates or playground is not smoke without a fire, they're drawn to the places children gather, watching out for the little one who always seems to be on their own and who's friendly when he talks to them, it's easy to make them to feel beholden to keep secrets in return for any kindness shown them.

I can't think of one innocent reason for a man to be playing with other peoples children in a park on his own, not one.

This isn't about the blokes feelings, it's all about the children.

Giant red flag. As pp said, some of the parents may assume he’s an acquaintance of the other parents and vice versa. The man would know to cultivate this by acting friendly with some parents and the others think, oh those parents know him so he must be fine, etc and before you know it, he’s gained their trust and no one has bothered to ask if any of them actually even know him outside of him coming to the playground to play with their children. I would ask the question. I would ask the man who he knows there from outside the playground and I would ask the other parents in a straightforward but polite way. If he is really an upstanding person who just happens to make sure he goes to parks all the time to play with children he doesn’t know then he will understand a new parent making sure who he is since he doesn’t seem to have a reason to be there. If he is a long time friend of one of the parents and perhaps has a backstory such as a close relationship with that child or whatever then I would apologize and make it right. But my intuition says watch out.

Maybe he had children but has split with his wife and they've gone to live hundreds of miles away and he misses them?

Maybe he had a child who died?

Why don't you just ask one of the other parents what the deal is with him? They may know him well, know his whole background and be able to set your mind at rest?

Yes, what Agent said. Predators on purpose go to places where children are and gain the trust of the parents to have authority over the child so that the child will do what he says whether it’s posing/becoming a coach, teacher, priest, activity leader, random man at a park playing with children even though he doesn’t have a child himself WEIRD. Unfortunately we do have to be aware, and common sense comes in handy often in today’s world.

This is really tricky. We have all become so suspicious nowadays but there are good reasons why that change has happened.

My own DF loved children and always said that when he retired he wanted to volunteer as a kids entertainer at fetes etc, because he couldn't think of a better way of spending his time than making little children happy. Sadly he died at 53 y.o when I was pregnant with his first GC so that never happened.

I am torn between being very sad that my own children and so many other children missed out on meeting and being entertained by my wonderful, wonderful, funny, kind dad but also being grateful that he didn't live to see the day when his genuinely well-meant intentions might have been met with suspicion.

But on balance OP (and I say this with regret) - listen to your instincts. If this man makes you uneasy keep an eye on him and your children and don't ever let them be alone with him.

A bit odd. Just watch him always.

Yep, who cares what's "unfair" for this man?

What's unfair is him putting everyone else in this situation.

Simple really: don't hang around playgrounds playing with random children. No innocent or sane man would do this.

Op just raise it with another mum, not the whole group. Identify the one that keeps turning to look at her child as soon as the guy gets close to her DC. As soon as she turns, and out of the others' earshot...Say,'AIBU for being wary of this gentleman? (Don't elaborate) As you know, I'm new here and just want assurance. You know us mums....'

There are plenty of charities that work with children and should an adult want to get involved becuase they miss being around their children they can probably do so

Their background is checked and not just by their own story

An abuser will use any story, weave a web of lies,
play people against each other don’t rely on what he says

Fecking middle-class hippies, being too liberal and laid back, to even question this. Are you nuts, it is not normal or ok by any stretch of the imagination

I would tell the police tbh

Same with me, Xihha. My DM just told us not to 'annoy' him, but we obviously knew that we weren't doing that! Plus, it gave him an opening with 'I won't tell if you won't.' (There were other things going on in our family but she didn't know, sadly.)

The thing that bothers me here is that this man doesn't relate to the parents at all, only the children. It's not ok at all. I agree that telling the police would be a good idea. You don't know what else they might be aware of about this man.

I would call 101 and report it as grooming. Up to police to investigate then and it could save a child from a horrendous experience. I can't think of a single reason that could be innocent (sob stories are easy to make up so I wouldn't care what his supposed background was)

I read a book about how to spot predators and it explained how they have a pattern of behavior and react similar to how Jux is, her post made me think of it. This woman came home with her shopping and had to go up several flights of stairs to her apartment. A man, who was good looking, in his 30s and totally sane looking, was in the stairwell as if he was on his way up himself and smiled at her and offered to help her with her groceries. Her radar went off and she said no thank you, the man looked a little hurt that she would suspect him of nefarious motives and she felt guilty that she had judged him. “What if he lives in the building and he’s just being nice. After all, he was already in the building, he must belong here.” “What if I hurt his feelings by not accepting his help?” “What if he’s just being nice?” So, she let him guilt her into allowing him to accompany her to her door and go into her apartment w her groceries. He raped her. He got up from the bed to go into her kitchen. She was lying there naked but her intuition told her to get out now. She sneaked past the kitchen and out the door and ran. It turned out he went to the kitchen to get a knife to kill her as he had killed two other women the same way. We have to keep in the mind the manipulative tactics predators of all sorts use on people. What I would say to Jux is that I don’t care what this man’s story is. What’s important is the children’s safety, first, last, and always. Sure, maybe he has some stellar backstory as to why he is there with no child of his own. Maybe he doesn’t. Wouldn’t you want to at least make a tiny effort to find out?

That's so sad for you Loonoonow, and your lovely Dad, I'm sorry you couldn't see him Dad enjoying your children and them him.

My Dad's the same and is like a big kid himself when he starts playing with mine and other people's little ones, it's lovely to watch.

But that's completely different to someone pretending they're not aware of being inappropriate, or being outraged at any suggestion that they're being inappropriate (not that this man has).

I'm sure your DDad wouldn't have been sad at the state of affairs as it stand now, but glad that this kind of behaviour is widely known so it can't be played out by the deviant, manipulative little pricks who like to prey on vulnerable children.

and their victims react similarly to (sorry I didn’t make that clear)

I don't know if it's naivety through lack of experience or general problems with emotional intelligence but some people on this thread are not fit to be parents.
I am very happy it's minority though.