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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suspect this man might be a paedophile?

323 replies

user1495362060 · 02/12/2017 22:05

We have a playground in our neighborhood and usually on the weekends children play together while parents chat (there is sometimes a farmers market nearby). We just moved in half a year ago and have been coming regularly. There is kind of hippie laid back atmosphere there. One person however aroused my suspicion recently.

This man in his 40s frequently comes to play with the kids. He doesn’t have kids himself. He spends most of his time playing with them (catch, hide and seek - not really many places to hide there, mostly the kids are in our sight). He doesn’t chat a lot with other parents. Basically we would be there chatting and he would be running with our kids. The kids really like him. The parents seem to know him well and don’t mind him doing that.

I just recently learned he doesn’t actually have a child there after talking to him. He didn’t strike me as odd in any other way except this fact that he comes specifically to spend time with our kids despite not having his own.

I don’t necessarily want to raise this subject with other parents there, but this is supposed to be a red flag, right? I don’t understand really why they are so chill about this. Perhaps there is other explanation to why he is doing that. Would you be suspicious in this situation? I feel like I possibly shouldn’t let dc come there anymore, which is a pity because we all enjoy it.

OP posts:
ThisLittleKitty · 02/12/2017 22:57

I'm not sure where people are getting autism from in this situation?! Is that going to be the reason for everything nothing about this is screaming autism to me. There was a man in my local area who did similar very overly friendly with my kids always speaking to them ( ignoring me) and then I was told by a friend he had tried to lure her 4 year old out of her garden and he was arrested by the police. Don't see him around anymore.

Witchend · 02/12/2017 23:00

It's unusual, but I wouldn't necessarily categorise it as weird.

But as Op is a newcomer, there's a very high chance that there is a backstory she doesn't know.
I'd raise it with one of the other parents who looks like they've been there some time.
"Oh, you know X, does he have children, I don't know him at all? Has he lived here long?"

verystressedmum · 02/12/2017 23:00

Very bloody strange I don’t know of one childless adult ever that’s gone to the park to play with children. It’s not normal and it’s even more strange for posters on here to say that it’s fine!

And what do you mean the other parents know him well? It’s more likely that they are used to him being in the park playing with the kids and they think they know him.

He’s not going to do anything in the park (probably..hopefully!!) but if any of these kids meets him elsewhere they will know him and not be afraid of the stranger it’s very dangerous.

Maybe he’s not a paedophile but it’s very suspicious behaviour.

Budecah · 02/12/2017 23:00

I don’t know any childless men who go to playgrounds to hang out with children Hmm. It’s bloody weird and the parents who don’t seem to mind are very naive.

I don’t know how you’d broach it with the other parents if they believe it’s all innocent. They could think you’re unreasonable.

Although, I bet a lot of them are uncomfortable too and are just waiting for someone else to say something

Julie8008 · 02/12/2017 23:01

People love children, sometimes they dont have their own for all sorts of reasons. Why does that make them weird?

Seeingadistance · 02/12/2017 23:01

I went a village primary school in the 1970s. We lived outside the village - rural area - and so weren't really part of the village network of relationships and friendships. A bit like the OP in a way, as she's a newcomer in her area.

Anyway, a man in the village - unmarried, no children - who was referred to as Uncle Jim by everyone, would come into the school playground and the adjacent swing park to play with us. Physical play - picking children up and swinging them round. My DM warned my sister and I not to play with him, not to allow him to pick us up or touch him.

Years later, my DM told me that she used to see him regularly in the local M&S returning little girls' swimsuits and underwear. And a few years after I left Primary School he was convicted and I think jailed for having indecent photographs of young girls.

But everyone in the village thought he was ok, and were happy for him to play with their children.

HAYZ0 · 02/12/2017 23:01

Maybe he has a learning difficulty?

AgentZigzag · 02/12/2017 23:01

'red flag? playing with children in full view of their parents?'

If he is deliberately trying to get close to children with the view to singling out which one is best/most vulnerable to groom, many try to gauge their parents with the view to grooming them too. In fact, that contributes to the kick that some get out of manipulating the child in plain site of their parents/other people. Shows the child just how powerless they are.

'Are you always so suspicious?'

Suspicious or just being aware of the adults around your children, which is completely sensible.

'Why don’t you just ask him?'

Yeah, because if he's up to no good, he'll defo tell you OP Grin WTF??

I can't think of any legit reason for an adult man to be playing with children at the park without having any of his own OP.

Fuck all the 'you're being hysterical seeing paedos around every corner' lark, it's your business to keep your DC safe and this man's making you uncomfortable, for good reason as far as I can tell.

YANBU.

mirime · 02/12/2017 23:02

@barbiesears @Filzma

By that argument you should never trust any other person ever. Not just adults, other children can be a risk to your child, even children the same or younger.

Nobody here can say what is going on with this man and there's a lot of assumptions being made. It's not unreasonable to be worried, but I'd just ask one of the other parents first and go from there. He might be well known to at least one of them, he might have a genuine "sob story" such as losing his own child and everyone local knows about it.

I find it hard to believe that everyone is worried but just too polite to say anything or even show any signs of concern. Many years ago I worked in retail and let a father into the fitting rooms with his disabled son. All the mums waiting outside immediately stopped chatting and moved so they could see in despite all the children having their own cubicle and me standing there keeping an eye on things.

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 02/12/2017 23:02

Typical MN ridiculousness from a few. You cannot call the police for this. I mean, you can but it’s a waste of police time. While I agree, it’s unusual behaviour, it’s not deviant or totally bizarre. Also, the comment about mistrusting lone men in public spaces...?

OP, YANBU to feel uncomfortable. I’d not jump straight to “ZOMG peedo!” but I’d be monitoring the situation and talking to other parents.

AgentZigzag · 02/12/2017 23:03

'People love children, sometimes they dont have their own for all sorts of reasons. Why does that make them weird?'

Do you love children 'Julie'?

Do you go and play with other people's children at the park on your own?

You're on the wind up Grin

Timetogetup0630 · 02/12/2017 23:03

OP are you actually in the UK ?

Barbiesears · 02/12/2017 23:04

mirime, circumstances will obviously have an impact on who you will be more wary of and the level of trust you give them. A man playing with children in the park that he doesn't know goes way up high on my BE CAREFUL alarm.

Pandapenguin · 02/12/2017 23:05

@julie i have no words for this except surely you can’t be serious?

Insomnibrat · 02/12/2017 23:05

I do find it disconcerting that so many posters go from zero to 'paedophile' in the bat of an eye.

I'm not suggesting he isn't a risk, but to automatically condemn him seems a bit pitchforky...Just be vigilant.

Gacapa · 02/12/2017 23:06

I know a reasonable number of men who don't have kids, but enjoy the company of their friends'/family's children. I'm sure most of us do. But if any of them told me they frequently hang around on their own at a local playground to play with strangers' children I'd be completely WTAF?!

I wouldn't care about any potentially "innocent" motives re. this bloke, OP. It's at best odd. And actually just bang out of order. He can go get CRB checked and do something official and supervised through the proper channels if he's that interested in interacting with children.

Any right thinking man, with consideration and awareness, would realise that this behaviour falls outside of appropriate boundaries. If other parents want to take a chance on this bloke being an all round good egg then let them crack on. There's not a chance in hell I'd let him communicate and "play" with my children. His sense of entitlement is as pathetic as his creepy infantilism.

Opheliasgoldenwine · 02/12/2017 23:06

YADNBU. Unless he has special needs or something similar then there isn't an innocent explanation really, is there? Unless it's an obscure case of one of the PPs comments about someone lost a sibling, happy place etc. I'd be worrying that he's gaining the trust of parents and dc and would then take advantage of that. I think you're completely reasonable to keep your guards up; you just want to protect your child/children.

SparklyMagpie · 02/12/2017 23:06

I certainly wouldn't be comfortable with my child and this man.

Could be innocent but too strange he's taking time out of his day to do this, and I agree that you'd get a job working with children NOT a playground. I can't believe the other parents are just ok-ing this Confused

I'd also be telling my son about the rules of stranger danger

Nope, not liking this at all, or the attitude from said parents at the playground

CorbynsBumFlannel · 02/12/2017 23:06

Of course you need to find out what the score is with the other parents. Either he is a good family friend/uncle of one of the other children, a volunteer play worker or a weirdo. I can't imagine the other parents being fine with it that a 40 year old man who had no reason to be there was befriending their kids but even if they were I wouldn't be.

Mookatron · 02/12/2017 23:08

I hate the fact that people are immediately suspicious of a lone man. I hate the 'paedophile on every corner' brigade.

BUT this is odd. Think about it - if this man DOESN'T realise it looks odd and is not really acceptable behaviour socially these days, at the very least he has problems with understanding things. Which is all well and good if it's the case but you really can't assume it because if he does know... then why is he doing it?

mirime · 02/12/2017 23:10

@Barbiesears

And I never said there was no reason to worry, nobody here can say whether his behaviour is innocent or not.

Lizzie48 · 02/12/2017 23:10

It would really bother me, as someone who suffered childhood SA. One of the instances was with a man like that, who befriended us in plain sight of my DM, who was wary of him but felt like she was being paranoid. The thing is, some people gain a child's trust this way, then later approach them when the parents are looking the other way and lure them away. It happened to my DSis and me,

I'm obviously not saying it's necessarily the case with this man, but I would see reasons to be concerned.

It's possible, too, that he has learning difficulties and relates more easily to children than to adults, so his motive may not be sinister at all. You just need to remind your DC about stranger danger? And of course make a judgment call about whether you want this man playing with them. I confess I probably wouldn't, but I'm admittedly paranoid for obvious reasons.

LilaTheLion · 02/12/2017 23:11

I'd also be telling my son about the rules of stranger danger

If they've been playing with him in the park every weekend a child would not consider him a stranger. Thats how grooming works.

AgentZigzag · 02/12/2017 23:11

' but to automatically condemn him seems a bit pitchforky'

I'd take my pitchfork and a flaming torch to him!

It's inappropriate at the very least, and after everything we've learnt from the cunts covering this kind of shit up in the 60s/70s/80s/90s+ and playing on peoples politeness, secrecy and 'oh, he's just like that' crap, he deserves to get his arse roasted for not knowing.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 02/12/2017 23:12

If he seemed to converse normally with the op I find it hard to believe that he wouldn't know it's not normal to go and play in the park at his age and befriend random kids. I can only assume he does know one of them and the parent well because literally no-one I know would be ok with it otherwise.