Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've really pissed off DP, so why don't I feel bad?

281 replies

Getonthearkunicorn · 02/12/2017 09:34

Two nights ago I asked to quickly borrow DP's phone for a quick google search, and he was being weird about it (unlike him) he said it was because he didn't want me to see his tabs for Christmas gifts.

Anyhoo, my google search begun with a 'p' and brought up a list of about 5-6 previous visits to Pornhub, watching videos titled things like 'British slag getting fucked by massive cocks'

I was a bit Hmm as I am fully aware he watches porn, and it's never been an issue, but we've had extensive conversations about the porn industry and how people are treated, exploited, rape, misogyny, I could go on. He always agrees with me, and when we have watched porn together it has not been this derogatory orgy stuff.

Moving on, my two good friends were round last night and we got onto the conversation of partners watching porn. DP had just come back from being out himself, and went straight up to bed. Anyway, I said to them that I wasn't impressed that DP had been watching this stuff, and it's made me feel quite odd towards him. Unbeknown to me, he's heard this. Confronts me when I come to bed, I've embarrassed him, it's private, etc. I completely understand that it's private and I feel really bad that I broke that privacy. But actually I don't feel very sorry that I told them what kind of porn he was watching - especially the titling. He's absolutely fuming still and I've got the silent treatment, but I'm not really bothered because I think watching 8 men on one girl is pretty fucking grim.
So, do you think IBU? Should I be apologising profusely? He is utterly shocked that I'm not being very apologetic.

OP posts:
RagingFemininist · 03/12/2017 09:23

And the DH clearky IS ashamed himself. Otherwise why would he have a problem with friends knowing the yep of porn he is watching??
ESO if Porn is normal and ALL men watch porn anyway. Where would the big deal be???

Highlight775 · 03/12/2017 09:25

Raging

If your embarrassed about something then it means you've done something wrong?

Can you see the logical flaw in your argument?

BertrandRussell · 03/12/2017 09:28

So he is watching something called "British slag getting fucked by massive cocks" and he shouldn't feel even slightly embarrassed or ashamed of himself? Blimey. I am constantly amazed at the low opinion some women have of men.......

BertrandRussell · 03/12/2017 09:31

Women accepting men watching this sort of thing is the 2017 equivalent of "Darling now you're getting married, I have to tell you that men have certain...needs. It's all rather ghastly, but if you lie back and think of England it will soon be over"

Highlight775 · 03/12/2017 09:32

Bertrand

Can you expand on your point? Exactly what is wrong with watching a film called "British Slag gets fucked by massive cocks"?

Is there an implication that it's non-consensual? Has the law been broken? Is the woman who took part ashamed of herself or did she enjoy it? You can't possibly know. Some women enjoy this kind of thing, exactly what are they doing wrong?

BertrandRussell · 03/12/2017 09:40

"Is the woman who took part ashamed of herself or did she enjoy it? You can't possibly know"

Neither can you. And no, she should not be ashamed of herself.

Anything with "slag" in the title is hardly going to be showing a respect for women or a desire to ensure their sexual pleasure, is it! And neither would a man happy with the use of the word.

Highlight775 · 03/12/2017 09:45

Bertrand

You are right I don't know. But there is no reason no think it is exploitation. You immediately assume the woman in the porn is being exploited because it suits your prejudice.

I'm sure we agree that nobody should be exploited. But porn isn't exploitation.

Calling women slags is rude and derogatory, however what people do with each other when they have sex is their business. I'm sure most people do and says things during sex that they wouldn't find acceptable in any other part of their lives. Surely you can see the difference?

Highlight775 · 03/12/2017 09:49

Some women like being degraded during sex. Some men do too. Other people like to watch representations of that on screen. Still not seeing the huge crime (moral or legal) being committed here?

BertrandRussell · 03/12/2017 09:50

But I presume we're going down the "women in porn doing because they love sex so much and earn megabucks" line. Those of us who have a problem with porn will be called puritans, control freaks, insecure, jealous, pearl clutchera and frigid. After about 400 posts someone will come along telling us how much she loves fucking strange men for money and she always has complete control over what happens to her and how very dare we suggest that women are ever abused or exploited. People will agree, and say there is plenty of completely ethical free porn available. And women will carry on justifying men's "need" to watch women being used as a thing with three holes in it. Slags getting fucked by massive cocks. How would you feel if your daughter was the "slag"?

Worldsworstcook · 03/12/2017 09:50

If you both watch porn together you're not as lily white as you pretend and yes YABU. You violated his trust in you, you're his partner and his confidant. If he had erectile problems would you blab about that too? Now he knows you blab everything to your friends I'd be surprised if he tells you what he had for lunch.

mrspatel77 · 03/12/2017 09:55

Porn is fantasy, it doesn't actually mean he would do that stuff it's all visual to him!
Poor bloke I feel really sorry for him!

Highlight775 · 03/12/2017 09:57

Bertrand

You've kind of made the case for pornography there, so you obviously 'get it', you just don't agree? I'm not seeing why from your arguments?

What about some women's desire to watch pornography, is that ok? What if a man is seen being submissive to a woman or group of women in a porn video. Is that equally unacceptable in your eyes? Why if he is ok with it?

My daughter can make her own life choices when she is old enough to do so. If she wants to do this kind of thing I obviously won't like it, but then I don't like the idea of her having sex at all. I accept she is a human with free will and agency and if it's what she likes then of course she can do it.

Sparrowlegs248 · 03/12/2017 09:59

I don't watch scenes of men being pretend gang raped by multiple women though, so not that bothered about what he would say! from the ops see one post. I assumed from this that he was watching "pretend gang rape" in which case yes, I do think he should be ashamed.

He's making it about op telling her rriends. He's turned it away from the fact that he knows she's not happy with this sort of stuff. Hence not wanting her to use his phone.

OhThisbloodyComputer · 03/12/2017 10:01

@BertrandRussell once said that the only people who are certain they are right are fools and fanatics.

Wise people have doubts. (I'm only quoting your words back at you Bertrand)

Isn't this debate about whether the Original Poster was right to betray the confidence her husband put in her.

I'm not sure about the rights and wrongs of the porn industry. Do they really have titles like "British Slag gets fucked by massive cocks?"

I can say, with some confidence, as I'm male (yes, apologies for that) but watching a film in which a man has a much bigger willy than mine is not a turn on. I can't imagine it is for many men.

I'd watch a film called "Man's wife is nice to him and he melts into her arms."

Bananamanfan · 03/12/2017 10:11

Op's dh did not confide in her computer she found out he had over-stepped her boundaries and shut down any discussion of it. It was perfectly reasonable to figure with someone else whether to reassess her boundaries if her dh would not discuss it.
DH can not like it, but op does not have to toe the line, she can decide it's a dealbreaker for her.

Highlight775 · 03/12/2017 10:14

OhThisbloodycomputer

Good for you mate, however some other people (men and women) are into all kinds of weird shit. As long as everybody is consenting and nobody gets hurt, what's the problem?

I take issue with the thought police on this thread trying to put all the blame (any at all) on the OPs husband when he has done nothing wrong, just because they don't like his choice of entertainment.

Sparrowlegs248 · 03/12/2017 10:16

He has done everything something wrong though surely? He completely mislead op with his views on porn. Agreeing with her in conversations, then watching "pretend gang rape " and shutting down her discussion.

Bananamanfan · 03/12/2017 10:17

Are you not the thought police Highlight? Do you not think the op has any right to make a decision on her own relationship when the goal posts are moved? Just shut her mouth & carry on as normal??

Highlight775 · 03/12/2017 10:22

She has every right to make a decision. That's not the problem. The problem is her decision to tell her friend his private business and then expect him to be ok with it. And Tom 'not care' he is upset.

I'm mostly taking umbrage with the moral FBI on this thread.

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 03/12/2017 10:25

I think there's a more general point here which is about women being discouraged from discussing their upset at stuff men do sexually.

The new sexual 'normal' is being set to a large extent by male-dominated porn. Women have a right to an opinion about this, and to be able to discuss their own boundaries with other women.

BertrandRussell · 03/12/2017 10:25

"Porn is fantasy, it doesn't actually mean he would do that stuff it's all visual to him!
Poor bloke I feel really sorry for him!"

It's not fantasy for the "slag" who's "getting fucked by massive cocks" though.

Bananamanfan · 03/12/2017 10:30

She made a decision to confide in a friend, he has every right to be upset, but she has every right to feel it's an upset of his own making (and therefore not be sorry). He obviously passed this off to op as no big deal, op has discussed openly in a 'is this really no big deal?' fashion. Turns out it is in fact a big deal-I wouldn't be sorry about that discovery either.

Highlight775 · 03/12/2017 10:30

Bertrand

How do you know that?

I'll say it again, how do you know she didn't like it? Some women enjoy these things and do them in their own time.

Take your judgemental bollocks somewhere else.

OhThisbloodyComputer · 03/12/2017 10:32

Thank you @bananamanfan

I agree it's terrible to overstep boundaries.

Not sure that looking at porn is doing that, when they both do it together. Is the man's use of a creative search term, that hasn't been rubber stamped by the OP, an over step of boundaries?

What about when she grabs his device, without his consent, and raids his consciousness by colonising his personal device? Is that a bit invasive?

And, having done that, is it right that she parades the electronic booty with her friends? Isn't that a betrayal of the trust he puts in her? Who'd want to confide in someone like that?

I can't speak of what it's like to be a woman, as I'm a clueless male, and I get the impression every woman is unique, as is every relationship. So I'd be stupid to make any partisan judgement.

But I will say this.

All this "my boundaries have been overstepped" stuff reminds me of a certain type of person that habitually gets arrested for anti-social behaviour. They don't mind invading someone else's property because they've always got a justification. ("Well, the homeowner will claim on insurance, so it's a victimless crime innit?")

And yet, and yet, woe betide the desk sergeant if she or he fails to bring the accused their statutory cup of tea and a meal, while they are being held in the cells. And they know all their rights. And, like the OP, they have a brief who is brilliant at playing to the court of public opinion.

It just saddens me, that's all. I'm going to go away now and weep for mankind. Also, I've got some work to do.

thanks

BertrandRussell · 03/12/2017 10:33

"Some women enjoy these things and do them in their own time"

Of course they do.

Are you suggesting that all the women in the porn industry are having a lovely time and thinking "What an amazing career I have chosen! What a lucky woman I am!"