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AIBU?

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Original poster

I've really pissed off DP, so why don't I feel bad?

281 replies

Getonthearkunicorn · 02/12/2017 09:34

Two nights ago I asked to quickly borrow DP's phone for a quick google search, and he was being weird about it (unlike him) he said it was because he didn't want me to see his tabs for Christmas gifts.

Anyhoo, my google search begun with a 'p' and brought up a list of about 5-6 previous visits to Pornhub, watching videos titled things like 'British slag getting fucked by massive cocks'

I was a bit Hmm as I am fully aware he watches porn, and it's never been an issue, but we've had extensive conversations about the porn industry and how people are treated, exploited, rape, misogyny, I could go on. He always agrees with me, and when we have watched porn together it has not been this derogatory orgy stuff.

Moving on, my two good friends were round last night and we got onto the conversation of partners watching porn. DP had just come back from being out himself, and went straight up to bed. Anyway, I said to them that I wasn't impressed that DP had been watching this stuff, and it's made me feel quite odd towards him. Unbeknown to me, he's heard this. Confronts me when I come to bed, I've embarrassed him, it's private, etc. I completely understand that it's private and I feel really bad that I broke that privacy. But actually I don't feel very sorry that I told them what kind of porn he was watching - especially the titling. He's absolutely fuming still and I've got the silent treatment, but I'm not really bothered because I think watching 8 men on one girl is pretty fucking grim.
So, do you think IBU? Should I be apologising profusely? He is utterly shocked that I'm not being very apologetic.

OP posts:
Highlight775 · 03/12/2017 10:40

Bertrand

It's not fantasy for the "slag" who's "getting fucked by massive cocks" though.

Don't turn this back on me. You implied that all women in Porn are exploited despite no evidence of this. Now your trying to turn this into 'some women'. Don't back pedal.

If you think it's a problem for some women in porn (I agree actually, but it's also a problem in many other industries) then show evidence this is one of those cases. If it's not then again what's the issue, surely the problem is exploitation, not the industry where it occurs.

If you think the problem is porn in general then at least be honest about it.

Highlight775 · 03/12/2017 10:51

And for some women in porn the only problems they experience are from judgemental bastards who want to take moral positions on their life choices under the guise of 'protecting women'

Bananamanfan · 03/12/2017 10:51

'Slag' and 'getting fucked' doesn't scream enjoyment and agency to me.

BertrandRussell · 03/12/2017 11:02

Highlight- I don't understand your last post.

My position is this. There are two issues with pornogaphy-particularly in the way it is available today. The first is a societal problem- it is changing the way people-particularly young people- view sex and sexual interactions in a way that is damaging, particularly to young women.

The second is the industry itself. There is a popular narrative that women in the sex industry are there because they choose it, they like sex and earn mega bucks. Of course there are some women in this postition. There are other women who are trafficked, drugged and abused, have absolutely no choices and are spat out at the end of their useful lives. These are the extreme ends of the industry. Basic economics says that the megabucks earners are going to be a vanishingly small minority, and the vast majority of the women are going to be economically and physically very vulnerable, and not is a position to make many choices at all.

Normalizing the idea of using at best indifferent and at worst abused women as masturbatory aids does not strike me as being a good idea, and the people who are happy to do it do not sound to me like good people.

Worldsworstcook · 03/12/2017 11:04

You know I'm still really annoyed about this post!

You invaded HIS phone, HIS private space and blabbed and you see nothing wrong with that.

You refuse to accept that most of what happens in a relationship is private and to did not have his consent to discuss what you accidentally found. He's not cheating on you, there's no moral boundary being crossed since you both watch,

Imagine he walked into the pub and announced to his mates - I'm not getting any at the minute as she's got a raging dose of thrush! You'd be mortified. He has to see your friends again and again and know each time you've made him out to be a sexual deviant. And who will they blab too?

Loose lips have consequences, what you see as irritating - what has offended your sensibilities - is someone else's business and private business at that. I discussed it with DH and he says men look, then turn the phone off. That's it but you've deeply wounded him and he has every right to be seriously, seriously pissed off at you. You crossed the line blabbing and are behaving like an offended 80 yo martyr rather than making him a nice tea and saying I'm sorry, it was remiss of me and I didn't think of how you would feel when I opened my big gob,

BertrandRussell · 03/12/2017 11:07

"You crossed the line blabbing and are behaving like an offended 80 yo martyr rather than making him a nice tea and saying I'm sorry, it was remiss of me and I didn't think of how you would feel when I opened my big gob"

No thoughts at all about him saving a video on his phone called "slag getting fucked by massive cocks"?

BertrandRussell · 03/12/2017 11:11

Because obviously he is such a prince among men he deserves a special tea to reward him for his exemplary attitude to women? Grin

And loving "80 year old martyr"........(

AlecTrevelyan006 · 03/12/2017 11:11

Interesting thread. Quite a polarised views. And my view is that the OP has overshared information about her husband and I can understand why he is annoyed.

Those who are supporting the OP and berating the husband appear to be anti-porn in general. Being anti-porn is, of course, a legitimate opinion to hold, but the OP seems not to be against porn per se, but is uncomfortable about her husband watching a particular type of porn. Of course, she doesn't have to like it, but I'm not convinced that talking to her friends about it is acceptable.

So, I've done some research on pornhub - there are loads of categories of videos and, handily, some numbers which tell you how many videos are in each category. Perhaps the OP should write them down, or print them out, and advise her husband which of them she is okay with, and which of them she doesn't want to him watch?

So, it seems Gangbang (10,297 videos) is off limits. How about Threesomes (36,768)? Are they okay? There are 24,269 videos featuring Shemales and 47,493 Gay videos - would you talk to your friends if he was watching those? Maybe he should just stick to the 56,902 about MILFS or the 123,473 vidoes titled, Amateur.

Oh, there are also 4,099 videos titled Smoking and 13,606 labelled Feet. Each to their own...

BertrandRussell · 03/12/2017 11:15

I agree she probably shouldn't have talked to her friends about it, although I don't quite understand why the "porn is all hunky dory perfectly natural everyone watches it what's your problem" brigade would have an issue!

Mumof56 · 03/12/2017 11:15

Normalizing the idea of using at best indifferent and at worst abused women as masturbatory aids does not strike me as being a good idea, and the people who are happy to do it do not sound to me like good people

The OP watches porn to, so is just as guilty of this.

No thoughts at all about him saving a video on his phone called "slag getting fucked by massive cocks"?

He didn't save the video, so my thoughts would be "stop embellishing the story"

Highlight775 · 03/12/2017 11:21

Bertrand

For the third time, what's the problem with a 'slag getting fucked by massive cocks' if she's ok with it?

You haven't said.

Also your problems with porn come down to:

It changes people's perception of how relationships work. - Any evidence of this that isn't daily mail style hyperbole?

It's an industry prone to exploitation. - I'd challenge you on that in part. There probably is some exploitation but that just means they need to be policed more, not that the whole industry should be closed down.

You haven't at any point shown what the OPs husband has done wrong yet.

BertrandRussell · 03/12/2017 11:23

"For the third time, what's the problem with a 'slag getting fucked by massive cocks' if she's ok with it?"

There are no circumstances in which the word "slag" is OK.
Do you think the "slag" in question chose the title of the video?
And how do you know she's ok with it?(

Highlight775 · 03/12/2017 11:27

Bertrand

Your doing it again. Don't turn this around on me. Your making the claim she is not happy being in video and didn't know the title despite having no one evidence of this. Burden of proof lies with the person making the claim.

BertrandRussell · 03/12/2017 11:40

So your default position is that everyone working in the porn industry is happy and making completely free choices unless proved otherwise?

BertrandRussell · 03/12/2017 11:41

And that the women concerned have full editorial control over every 2 minute porn hub clip?

BertrandRussell · 03/12/2017 11:42

Welcome to Cloud Cuckoo Land.

Highlight775 · 03/12/2017 11:44

Bertrand

Yes. Why wouldn't it be? Do you know anyone in the adult industry? Where are you getting the perceived authority to say otherwise?

When you walk past someone in the street doing a menial manual task, do you immieditely assume they are a human trafficked slave? Why not? Modern slavery is a real problem in low paid manual labour jobs?

SmileEachDay · 03/12/2017 11:48

It changes people's perception of how relationships work. - Any evidence of this that isn't daily mail style hyperbole?

That’s absolutely the case with the teenage boys I work with. You know that expecting a blow job before kissing is a thing now? That many teens have seen hardcore moving image porn before they’ve had a relationship with an actual person?

We can’t ignore the consequences of the explosion of hardcore porn easily available, with no restriction.

OhThisbloodyComputer · 03/12/2017 12:12

Since this has become a discussion of porn, it should be pointed out that most men are all bravado and no follow through over porn. (I speak as someone who has been on many stag nights). Nobody really wants to see a donkey kong penis or have a four some, but there is a sort of peer group pressure that exists, so you have to pretend and go along with it.

Phwooarrr! Look at that!

I always feel terrible when I see how big those men's penises are.

One day I confesses I couldn't be arsed with all that stag night nonsense, and a lot of people said the same.

I can't believe there's really a film called "Slag gets raped by 8 blokes"

Maybe there is. Who knows.

I do worry about all this "Here Be Dragons" style medieval mapping of the male psyche.

We might be twats, but we're not that bad

Mumof56 · 03/12/2017 12:18

I can't believe there's really a film called "Slag gets raped by 8 blokes"

The film was called:

'British slag getting fucked by massive cocks'

The 8 blokes and the rape were introduced by a pp, not the op

gillybeanz · 03/12/2017 12:25

Nothing wrong with that title.
I was a slag getting fucked with a big cock last night.
He happened to be my dh of 25 years. Grin
Slag in the porn industry is a great title, you know what you are getting and I'm sure the person in question couldn't give 2 hoots what the film was called.
There are some weird responses on this thread.

OhThisbloodyComputer · 03/12/2017 12:29

Good grief, @Mumof56, it's worse than I thought

*The film was called:

'British slag getting fucked by massive cocks' *

Why would she want to roll in the hay with 8 chickens? (Do they have penises? I thought birds have a cloaca?)

The thought of this 'British slag' getting down and dirty with Foghorn Leghorn, Rhode Island Red and their chums makes me feel quite sad.

Still I bet she gets paid more than the males.

They'll have to be happy with chickenfeed.

BishopPiggyInTheMiddle · 03/12/2017 12:40

gillybeanz what a cute story.

OhThisbloodyComputer · 03/12/2017 12:44

Yes, @BishopPiggyInTheMiddle I also found @gillybeanz story quite heart warming.

It has a nice Christmassy ring to it.

Mind you, I am jealous of her happiness and sense of fulfillment

But I will try not to be bitter

BishopPiggyInTheMiddle · 03/12/2017 12:58

You've got to keep things in perspective Oh...
It's the same, tired, 'big cock' of 25 years. She's got to dress that junkyard dog up with some tinsel and baubles to make her bells ring for sure. Grin
Gilly come back... we want to hear the part of the story where visions of slightly off-colour meat and two overcooked bits o' veg sugar plums danced in your head!

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