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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've really pissed off DP, so why don't I feel bad?

281 replies

Getonthearkunicorn · 02/12/2017 09:34

Two nights ago I asked to quickly borrow DP's phone for a quick google search, and he was being weird about it (unlike him) he said it was because he didn't want me to see his tabs for Christmas gifts.

Anyhoo, my google search begun with a 'p' and brought up a list of about 5-6 previous visits to Pornhub, watching videos titled things like 'British slag getting fucked by massive cocks'

I was a bit Hmm as I am fully aware he watches porn, and it's never been an issue, but we've had extensive conversations about the porn industry and how people are treated, exploited, rape, misogyny, I could go on. He always agrees with me, and when we have watched porn together it has not been this derogatory orgy stuff.

Moving on, my two good friends were round last night and we got onto the conversation of partners watching porn. DP had just come back from being out himself, and went straight up to bed. Anyway, I said to them that I wasn't impressed that DP had been watching this stuff, and it's made me feel quite odd towards him. Unbeknown to me, he's heard this. Confronts me when I come to bed, I've embarrassed him, it's private, etc. I completely understand that it's private and I feel really bad that I broke that privacy. But actually I don't feel very sorry that I told them what kind of porn he was watching - especially the titling. He's absolutely fuming still and I've got the silent treatment, but I'm not really bothered because I think watching 8 men on one girl is pretty fucking grim.
So, do you think IBU? Should I be apologising profusely? He is utterly shocked that I'm not being very apologetic.

OP posts:
Atenco · 02/12/2017 21:00

Having a gangbang is not illegal.What he watched wasnt illegal.You mightnt like it but hes not in the wrong

So only things that are illegal are wrong

Op breaking his confidence is in the wrong

How can it wrong to break a confidence if it is not illegal?

dustarr73 · 02/12/2017 21:08

So only things that are illegal are wrong
yes in this case

Op breaking his confidence is in the wrong
How can it wrong to break a confidence if it is not illegal?
???
Its wrong because it wasnt her confidence to break.How is that hard to understand.

ReanimatedSGB · 02/12/2017 21:36

OP has not offered any evidence - nor even said in her post - that the porn film in question was about staged abuse/non-consensual sex. Some people like group sex. Ethical porn, BTW, does not mean 'everything depicted is loving and tender' - it means that the performers are consenting adults, who are paid a decent fee and treated with courtesy and respect by the filmmakers. An ethical porn film might depict BDSM, for instance, or staged reluctance (though if that is the case, ethical film makers generally include a brief interview with the performers involved, making it clear that they were acting and that they were willing participants.)

Another ethical aspect regarding porn is: if you want to watch it, pay for it. The biggest exploiters are the tube sites, who basically rip off and share pre-existing material without paying a penny to the performers/film-makers.

And, for those of you thinking it was OK for the OP to bleat to all her mates about it - if you can get over your dog-whistle BWAAAA, PORN response for a minute, would you really think it's OK for anyone to tell their friends when and how their partner likes to wank? Masturbation isn't shameful but it is private.

sailorcherries · 02/12/2017 21:38

^^

Yes.

GetMeOutOfHerePlease · 02/12/2017 21:44

A pp said depicting rape in porn is illegal in the U.K so the video in the op will be consenting group sex. Bestiality is illegal too but there’s iften clips on live leak etc.

I’ve seen several documentaries where they talk about how porn makers get round these laws by filming in countries where it’s not illegal.

Also, there’s been lots of stories where abusive men have filmed the rape and abuse of their partner and uploaded to YouTube style porn sites under “amateur”.

It’s very easy to upload and view porn that should be illegal in the U.K. fee sites like porn hub have that stuff on, they remove them if they are flagged etc but from what I’ve learnt, it can take ages, by which time it’s downloaded and shared and re uploaded elsewhere.

A lot of porn consumed is from free sites, how many men take steps to research the video they are about to wank to to make sure it’s made by a reputable studio and by the type of pornstar who is freely choosing the job? Or read the sites policies in how they make sure every video uploaded is legal and doesn’t feature trafficked women? The cynic in me thinks many men who watch porn on these free sites just drop their trousers and wank without a second thought.

JamesBondsMrs · 02/12/2017 21:57

Actually I said 'chances are' which is totally different to 'it WILL be'. Pornhub are huge, it wasn't a random dodgy weblink. So yes, chances are, it is more likely than not, not depicting a rape scene. Whilst producers can get round it, it is still illegal to watch it in the UK. So those banging on about ops dh watching rape porn (which is a slightly hysterical assumption, impo) are suggesting her dh is not only morally in the wrong but also breaking the law.

RagingFemininist · 02/12/2017 21:58

SGB I think that anyone is allowed to share with friends things that happened in their relationship and that has an impact in them.
In this case, the type of porn the OP found was an issue for her and an issue in her relationship. Why is it that she should t be allowed to share it, just ok,e she would share any other thing happening in her relationhsip?

If she had shared the info in a gossiping way, I would agree with you. But not in the context she did it.

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 02/12/2017 22:01

OP describes the porn her DP was watching as grim and derogatory and said that the whole incident has made her feel quite odd towards him

I agree giggling with your mates about your partner's masturbatory habits is not on, but that's not what was happening here. OP was trying to get a reality check on her reaction to something sexual that her DP has done that has upset her, and which has therefore required her to reconsider her own sexual boundaries. I don't see a problem with that at all.

RagingFemininist · 02/12/2017 22:01

GetMe I fully agree that very few of the porn watchers have ever even started to look at credentials of the producers etc..
I would just include men and women in there rathervtha just men.

In the same for example, that very few people have ever wondered where all the rare metals suited in mobile phones have come from (mines where slavery is rife).

sailorcherries · 02/12/2017 22:09

whatwould but she, the op, then does not explain how she knows it was grim and derogatory. Did she watch it or just assumed based on the title, as a lot of posters here have done?

SonicBoomBoom · 02/12/2017 22:34

YANBU OP. I'd feel the same as you.

I feel sorry for the women on this thread who have been conditioned to believe that some women really do enjoy getting gangbanged by 8 massive cocks.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 02/12/2017 22:52

Whilst I would be very unhappy at my DH watching this sort of shit I think you were deeply unreasonable to tell your friends and you do owe him an apology.

How would you like it if he told his mates 'DW loves oral/being spanked/doing it doggy style outdoors' or whatever it is that floats your boat?

You would be rightly humiliated if you overheard him 'confiding' in friends downstairs in your house about your own sexual fantasies. And to then have him tell you he didn't actually care if you were embarassed that he'd told his mates would (presumably) feel like a massive betrayal. You were aware he watched porn,, and unbothered by it, stating 'it wasn't an issue'. Justifying it by saying 'but he can only watch the sort of porn I decide is ok' feels very weak to me.

dustarr73 · 02/12/2017 22:55

Nobody has been conditioned Sonic.We just dont like the same things.

I dont go around slagging off what you like to do in private.Because we don agree with the op we have been conditioned.

No we have opinions,and taste just like anyone else.You dont have to agree,but dont make out we are being co erced

jacks11 · 02/12/2017 23:14

Look, I'm not a fan of porn but some of you need to calm down a bit. Whilst it doesn't do much for me, I do accept that some (many?) people do like it and that porn can be perfectly legal- and usually the people in the films are consenting to whatever act is taking place. I'm not saying there isn't exploitation and so on, but as OP has said she does watch porn with her DP she clearly doesn't have an issue with porn in general.

Not only that, but I don't think you can say that what OP's DP was watching was "rape" or "simulated rape" or "rapey porn"- as OP hasn't said that what it was (unless I've missed her clarifying that aspect). It could be that the videos were of group sex. And whilst I agree that group sex porn isn't something I'd be thrilled about my partner watching, it really isn't the same thing as him watching simulated rape/filming of actual rape.

OP has watched porn with her partner, so she can't be totally against it. So it is somewhat hypocritical for her to get annoyed about this- unless she watched it and discovered that it is indeed the type of simulated rape that some posters have alluded to. In which case she needs to have a frank discussion with her partner about her feelings regarding his choice of porn.

In short, I don't think you should have shared it with your friends. It was something that you and he should have worked through together, as a couple. If you don't want him to watch porn, then you need to agree that between you (or if you can't agree and can't tolerate what he does, then you need to reconsider your relationship).

gillybeanz · 02/12/2017 23:31

conditioned ha Ha , now that is a pile of wank! Grin

Rachie1973 · 02/12/2017 23:37

I doubt he's embarrassed or ashamed. I reckon he's probably pissed off at you telling your friends about his private search.

Rachie1973 · 02/12/2017 23:50

SonicBoomBoom.

I feel sorry for the women on this thread who have been conditioned to believe that some women really do enjoy getting gangbanged by 8 massive cocks.

Conditioned? lol

Why would you assume that anyone that does enjoy the thought is 'conditioned'.

Sensimilla · 02/12/2017 23:59

He shouldn't have been eaves-dropping

OhThisbloodyComputer · 03/12/2017 00:26

Dear OP,

I can see why he might think that your betrayal of trust is unforgivable.

He might be thinking: How can he have any faith in you now? Why would he tell you anything, or open up to you? Being able to trust your wife/girlfriend is glorious and creates a bond that you cannot have with anyone else. However, if you can't trust them with anything personal, it's dangerous to open up to them. He might be worried that any faith he puts in you will be punished since, as soon as you need to compete for attention, you might be wanted to showcase any intimate details, or worries that he trusted you with, which will be shared for the delectation of your friends. Or indeed, compete strangers on the internet.

There is no chance of any intimacy between you now, as he knows there are no secrets. So he may fear he may not be able to commit himself to you. He may think that you are unreliable and weak and immature.

Do you never look at attractive men in magazines or on TV?

He might be a bit worried by the fact that you can't tell the difference between him watching some meaningless encounter on screen and you humiliating him in real life.

Just a thought.

Butterymuffin · 03/12/2017 00:34

Do you never look at attractive men in magazines or on TV

Not the same as viewing porn like this. They can't be equated like that.

Just a thought.

Originalfoogirl · 03/12/2017 00:35

"Well you should have thought about that before you did it" is something I say to my 8 year old, not my husband.

There are dozens of things I do in the privacy of my own home that I'm not remotely ashamed of. That doesn't mean i would want those things shared with his friends.

Your views on porn differ from his and you have a different view on what level of exploitation is acceptable. I wonder if you would be happy to have your porn watching habits discussed with, say, the local vicar or your work colleagues, or his parents. After all, if you're not ashamed of it then that would be fine?

It's about you crossing a line, not about him being ashamed.

dustarr73 · 03/12/2017 00:42

Just a thought,the porn you both watch is it only your choice.

Maybe he feels the same way about your choice.He just doesnt blab it to all and sundry.

KellyBarclay · 03/12/2017 00:55

I feel like I'm missing something. The video title 'British slag getting fucked by massive cocks' just sounds like a British woman having a consensual orgy with multiple men?
Doesn't sound like my cup of tea, but I'm not sure where posters are getting 'rape' & 'sexual abuse' from?

BlondeB83 · 03/12/2017 01:05

YABVU.

The nature of the video is irrelevant, you support the porn industry by watching other kinds of porn.

You owe him a massive apology.

BlondeB83 · 03/12/2017 01:05

Agree KellyBarclay

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