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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've really pissed off DP, so why don't I feel bad?

281 replies

Getonthearkunicorn · 02/12/2017 09:34

Two nights ago I asked to quickly borrow DP's phone for a quick google search, and he was being weird about it (unlike him) he said it was because he didn't want me to see his tabs for Christmas gifts.

Anyhoo, my google search begun with a 'p' and brought up a list of about 5-6 previous visits to Pornhub, watching videos titled things like 'British slag getting fucked by massive cocks'

I was a bit Hmm as I am fully aware he watches porn, and it's never been an issue, but we've had extensive conversations about the porn industry and how people are treated, exploited, rape, misogyny, I could go on. He always agrees with me, and when we have watched porn together it has not been this derogatory orgy stuff.

Moving on, my two good friends were round last night and we got onto the conversation of partners watching porn. DP had just come back from being out himself, and went straight up to bed. Anyway, I said to them that I wasn't impressed that DP had been watching this stuff, and it's made me feel quite odd towards him. Unbeknown to me, he's heard this. Confronts me when I come to bed, I've embarrassed him, it's private, etc. I completely understand that it's private and I feel really bad that I broke that privacy. But actually I don't feel very sorry that I told them what kind of porn he was watching - especially the titling. He's absolutely fuming still and I've got the silent treatment, but I'm not really bothered because I think watching 8 men on one girl is pretty fucking grim.
So, do you think IBU? Should I be apologising profusely? He is utterly shocked that I'm not being very apologetic.

OP posts:
OhThisbloodyComputer · 03/12/2017 01:06

@Butterymuffin

I understand.

I do think it's a massively unforgivable betrayal when PARTNER A tells all their friends about Partner B's personal details.

I'm not female, (I hope you will forgive me for that) so I can't comment from your perspective, but for many men the only person they will ever open up to is the woman they are closest with. That person is the only person in the world they will share their secrets with and it makes you feel much closer to them, because you have a mutual trust.

So if they go blabbing about your personal details to their friends and family, it's a mortal insult and you will never trust them again with anything, and you won't ever feel the same way about them.

That's my theory anyway.

If you make yourself vulnerable, by opening up to your partner, you feel incredibly close to them, But if they exploit the trust you put in them, I imagine that evokes equally strong negative feelings.

I can never understand why some people don't get that.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 03/12/2017 01:20

Computer. The thing with that is that you’ve put a huge load on to your wife. You’ve got a support system in place by telling her but she on the other hand is expected not to seek support for the load on her. She’s expected to be silent and be a mountain of strength. Blabbing is a dismissive belittling word. Sharing a worry with a trusted friend is how I’d see it.

tiptopteepe · 03/12/2017 01:29

I agree with you here OP.
I think people have an absolute right to speak to their friends about whatever they want to do with their partners if they are unsure how to feel about it or need advice.

I used to be in an abusive relationship and one of the reasons I was in it for so long was because I told no one about anything that happened out of some mad loyalty to my partner.
Im not comparing your partner watching porn to abuse. I watch porn and so does my husband and thats a whole separate issue with which some people agree and some dont.
The issue here is that it effected you and so you spoke to friends about it. I think that is perfectly reasonable.

Highlight775 · 03/12/2017 01:42

Just take a second to get over the 'AAAAARGH PORN!' response. The original poster has admitted she watches porn as well.

She certainly hasn't given any evidence that this particular porn was illegal or immoral, just that it wasn't to her taste.

I've met a number of women in my life who have enjoyed group sex, some have been willing instigators.

If she was unhappy with his viewing habits then by all means speak to him about it, don't talk to the world.

Maybe if her husband told everyone she worked with about her wanking habits she would find that perfectly acceptable? I doubt it.

dustarr73 · 03/12/2017 01:52

Labradoodle hes opening up.As being in a relationship,it goes both ways.If you are fine with talking to his friends about you.Grand,but if you are not maybe think about what you tell them.

Tip its not being abusive relationship just cause they dont always agree.

tiptopteepe · 03/12/2017 01:58

dustarr73 I didnt say it was being in an abusive relationship. My point is that its not really healthy or safe to never have outside perspective and that if your partner does something that worries you in any way then its perfectly natural and acceptable to confide in your friends about it and ask their advice. That way you will have a much clearer picture of what is going on. Everyone needs support networks outside of their partners. The OP obviously found the porn she saw on her partners phone shocking and did not know how to feel about it. I dont think its a breach of trust to talk about it with her friends to see how they would feel about it. She clearly wanted some outside perspective to help her form her reaction. My point about abuse is that its very easy to abuse someone if they never speak to their friends about anything you do because then they only ever have your perspective on your behaviour. If i ever did anything which shocked or worried my husband I certainly would not be angry if he turned to his friends for advice.

dustarr73 · 03/12/2017 02:13

No Tipwhere in a you started your sentance by saying You where in an abusive relationship.

Its not the same for everybody,which was my point.Not everybody needs outside help.Some people[like me] have no outside help
1, An only child
2.And can manage on my own.

I have my own perspective which is god enough to me

tiptopteepe · 03/12/2017 02:21

dustarr well good for you, thats great, but the OP clearly needed and wanted outside help and I think its perfectly reasonable that she got it. She detailed in her post that she didnt really know how to react and was shocked and it made her feel 'a bit odd towards him' so clearly she needed to talk it over with someone.

FrustratedTeddyLamp · 03/12/2017 02:37

What I find interesting is any hint of a sexual question no matter how bland on here is generally met by swathes of im not giving wank fodder/ telling a random stranger on the internet sexual stuff about me to X or this will look good on the fail. And this is an anonymous internet site.

But it's ok to tell people who know the DH and could spread it about his intimate life. We know OP likes watching porn so she's hypocritical to give lectures about it. And the OP said that " British slag fucked by massive cocks" came up on search history.well unless she watched it which there is no indication she did we don't know how many cocks it could by hyperbole by the OP. Also says nothing about the studio or people making up the porn as if it's reuploaded by many people like porn generally is, the title isn't up to them.

OhThisbloodyComputer · 03/12/2017 04:09

@Labradoodliedoodoo

thanks for your answer.

Well, that's an interesting point.

I personally would never trust anyone if they thought that by trusting them with an intimate detail, I was loading them with too much responsibility.

Isn't that a bit of a cop out?

The reason I think many men talk to women about their problems is that we think women are more understanding, less judgmental and have more emotional intelligence.

I didn't realise it was generally accepted that that gives them carte blanche to turn your problems into a form of entertainment.

Please tell me this isn't so!

Sparrowlegs248 · 03/12/2017 04:19

If he is ashamed of it, then it is something to be ashamed of.

This ^

Yanbu.

kittensinmydinner1 · 03/12/2017 05:12

If he is ashamed of it, then it is something to be ashamed of.

What condescending bollocks. What turns me on in bed is being submissive. (Which I find quite shameful* as I am far from irl - it's fantasy ) by your reckoning- I deserve to have my 'shame' gossiped about by my DH and his friends.*. ?

If OP finds porn and her dps use of it abhorrent then leave him.
She watches it herself though so the whole argument about him enjoying coercion ,forced exploitation falls down. As she has no idea wether she is watching ethically ok or not ok porn. (If there is such a thing)

What is not OK is discussing her partners private sexual business with others. Discuss with him and LTB if it disturbs and upsets you. Anything else is a huge invasion of privacy.

kittensinmydinner1 · 03/12/2017 05:13

Apologies for bold. Don't know why it came out like that

Impostress99 · 03/12/2017 05:43

Imagining a scenario where DH and his male mates sat downstairs discussing the kind of porn that gets me off (none by the way) while I'm upstairs..

Hmmm. Let me think....

Nope. Couldn't stand it.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 03/12/2017 06:07

Dustar yes I’d expect my DH to talk to myself and his closest trusted friends if he had any worries about things to do with me. Just as id talk to my close trusted friends and DH about worries with DH. We are all very open and considerate and supportive.

However ops DH clearly was ashamed which is why he was upset.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 03/12/2017 06:09

Impostress- you mean good friends not male mates. That would be the equivalent situation.

Isetan · 03/12/2017 07:19

‘I tell my friends everything’ should apply to your shit, not anyone else’s. If one of your friends had an abortion, would you tell your partner? I suspect not because I hope you would respect her privacy. I would hate to be in a relationship where stating “this is not on the record” would have to be said in order to hopefully protect my privacy.

Your, ‘I don’t agree with it and therefore it’s fair conversational game with my friends’ is a breach of his trust. If you object to his behaviour so much, you have the choice of not being in a relationship with him. As grim as his habit is, this morally superior passive aggressive stance of yours, is a different kind of grim.

I remember early on in my relationship with an Ex, I found out he had been discussing that I had reoccurring thrush with his family. I was mortified (now older and and ‘don’t give a shit’ wiser) because it was my business to divulge, not his. Looking it back, I now realise that subconsciously from that point on I only told him stuff that I didn’t mind the world and his grandmother knowing, which of course is not ideal in a relationship.

Moving forward, you need to ask yourself what kind of relationship you want because right now, respect is lacking on both sides and neither of you hold the moral high ground.

Highlight775 · 03/12/2017 07:52

Controversial opinion time.

I thought about this more since last night.

OP's husband has done nothing wrong. There is nothing wrong with watching porn.

All off this "AAAARGH PORN, leave the bastard!" Shit is ridiculous. Judgemental bollocks.

OP is completely out of order and should apologise. It won't make it better though, it's too late for that.

And all the holier than thou commenters stating they would leave their partners in similar circumstances, you'd better get packing then. I guarantee your partners look at porn like this, they are just better at hiding it than the OPs.

Howlongtilldinner · 03/12/2017 07:57

As women I think we do tend to ‘overshare’ information.

Here the OP has said she was aware her DP watched porn, and she had no issue with that, however, she obviously hasn’t ‘screened’ the ‘type’ of porn he’s been watchingConfused.

Personally I’d be very uncomfortable that my DPwas watching any type of porn, that’s purely my relationship and I’m not judging others.

What I totally disagree with is her sharing her DP private business (ashamed or not) with her mates, utterly utterly wrong.

I’d be bloody fuming if my DP did that to meAngry

Sparrowlegs248 · 03/12/2017 09:07

The point is (for me) that he's ashamed of it because he's been caught out. There's a difference between being turned on by your own fantasy, but being turn on by this sort of stuff is grim. He should be bloody ashamed.

RagingFemininist · 03/12/2017 09:19

Highlight that’s not because ‘most men’ are watch8ng porn that women have to accept it.
Sexual assault is also rife in the entertainment industry and it doesn’t mean that women have to accept it.
It’s pretty common for men to do very little in the house and act as the Lord in the Manor but iut doesn’t mean that women have to accept it.

Maybe, if women actually weren’t accept8ng it and weren’t feeling guilty that they are uncomfortable knowing other women are treated like this (as well as the répercutions it has on men’s behaviour towards them), then they WOULD be leaving them because of that. And men would actuallybstart taking notice of their partners feelings. For a change.

Highlight775 · 03/12/2017 09:20

Nottalotta

Why should he be ashamed exactly?

The only thing you can draw from the OPs post is that he may have watched some porn that referred to a woman as a slag and implied there was group sex involved. What exactly has her husband done wrong? Some women are just as keen on participating in that kind of thing as men. What's the problem?

Bananamanfan · 03/12/2017 09:21

Thing is; it's not information that op's dh has shared with her is it? She hasn't betrayed his trust, she's found something out about him that changes her perception of him. He has obviously shut down any issues she has raised about it, but she needs to discuss it to decide whether to reallign her boundaries or whether it's a dealbreaker.
Perfectly reasonable to talk it through with a friend, unfortunate he heard a private conversation.

RagingFemininist · 03/12/2017 09:22

I have to say all the stereotypes that are branded aroundon this thread are :(

All men watch porn
Women just overshare
Women are just overreacting about porn. It’s legal therefore normal (since when is something legal normal???)
Porn is ok and there is no ethica!issue about that. It’s just getting a bit of pleasure.
It’s just wank material, how can you Police that (lovely to see women being ‘just’ wank material...
Etc.....

Highlight775 · 03/12/2017 09:22

Raging

Where has sexual assault come from?! That's not mentioned anywhere in the OPs post.

Sexual assault is awful and unacceptable. Nobody will argue about that.

Porn is not sexual assault. There is no implication that the porn he watched even contains any sexual assault.