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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've really pissed off DP, so why don't I feel bad?

281 replies

Getonthearkunicorn · 02/12/2017 09:34

Two nights ago I asked to quickly borrow DP's phone for a quick google search, and he was being weird about it (unlike him) he said it was because he didn't want me to see his tabs for Christmas gifts.

Anyhoo, my google search begun with a 'p' and brought up a list of about 5-6 previous visits to Pornhub, watching videos titled things like 'British slag getting fucked by massive cocks'

I was a bit Hmm as I am fully aware he watches porn, and it's never been an issue, but we've had extensive conversations about the porn industry and how people are treated, exploited, rape, misogyny, I could go on. He always agrees with me, and when we have watched porn together it has not been this derogatory orgy stuff.

Moving on, my two good friends were round last night and we got onto the conversation of partners watching porn. DP had just come back from being out himself, and went straight up to bed. Anyway, I said to them that I wasn't impressed that DP had been watching this stuff, and it's made me feel quite odd towards him. Unbeknown to me, he's heard this. Confronts me when I come to bed, I've embarrassed him, it's private, etc. I completely understand that it's private and I feel really bad that I broke that privacy. But actually I don't feel very sorry that I told them what kind of porn he was watching - especially the titling. He's absolutely fuming still and I've got the silent treatment, but I'm not really bothered because I think watching 8 men on one girl is pretty fucking grim.
So, do you think IBU? Should I be apologising profusely? He is utterly shocked that I'm not being very apologetic.

OP posts:
ShiftyMcGifty · 02/12/2017 10:11

I would think you crossed the line if I was your friend and you shared that with me. Only because you invite me to your shared house - his home too- and that is just fucking uncomfortable. I don’t want to know this about your partner and still be expected to socialise with him. I don’t want to be around him. And you tell me this but then still expect me to carry on as norm around him? No.

Don’t moan that none of your friends like your partner and ever want to see you two as a couple if you tell them things like this.

whoareyoukidding · 02/12/2017 10:14

Is your voice really that loud that he could hear you telling your friends when he was on a different floor in the house? I wonder if he was eavesdropping, my EXDH used to spy on me/listen if I had friends round, the twat (notice the EX). You were rightly upset about what he had been looking at and you were confiding in friends, plus I would be asking him about how comes he heard you.

Doubletrouble42 · 02/12/2017 10:24

So shifty are you saying that we should present a false image of our other halves so our friends accept them?? I'd rather my friends liked my dp because he is decent and makes me happy than because I covered up his shitty behaviour. Sometimes its your friends honest opinions that clarify that your partner is being shitty!

myusernamewastaken · 02/12/2017 10:31

I think he has every right to be pissed of at you....I'd be mortified if my partner blabbed to his friends about what turned me on...

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/12/2017 10:31

He has normalised a really nasty film. I definitely would not be apologising.

What was his reaction when you told him what you thought of him viewing the film?

He obviously didn’t want you to know about his viewing habits either.

TheVanguardSix · 02/12/2017 10:31

It's basic.
If you don't want to be the guy that's known for watching slags get shafted by enormous cocks, then don't watch slags get shafted by enormous cocks.

YA so NBU!

I confided in my mum and best friend when DH was (he probably still 'is') watching porn. I hate it. I hate that it's ok for a man to lavishly get off on acts he'd find abhorrent were the 'slag' his daughter.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 02/12/2017 10:35

YABVU. That is private information between the two of you. It was inappropriate to share with your friends and to bring them into your troubles.

Also this:
we've had extensive conversations about the porn industry and how people are treated, exploited, rape, misogyny, I could go on.

He's not a child. He doesn't need lecturing or extensive conversations. Once, maybe, but after he's armed with the information it's up to him what he wants to do with it.

Whatever the issue, you don't air your dirty laundry and drag friends into quarrels between you and your partner.

BewareOfDragons · 02/12/2017 10:35

I think if you watch women getting degraded and abused then you should expect others to be upset by it, especially your partner. It's awful that watching multiple men enacting a gang rape of a woman is merely seen as a sexual preference, deserving of privacy. Maybe if more men were made to feel like their viewing preferences might one day become public knowledge they'd think twice about watching women being abused for their pleasure.

This. Totally agree.

walnutwhip88 · 02/12/2017 10:36

YABU it's totally not fine to be gossiping about your partners porn habits especially going into such detail. It must be so embarrassing for him and you've been really disrespectful yes you should apologise

Categoric · 02/12/2017 10:40

I think you need a strong word with him. Personally I hate porn because I think it encourages people to objectify the (usually) women they are watching and that is not good for relationships IRL. I don’t want to derail the thread though and if the OP is comfortable with her OH watching porn, then that is her choice.

It’s also her choice to get some support IRL if she is shocked and uncomfortable. Whilst you can’t police someone’s sexual desires, I wouldn’t want to sleep with someone who got off on watching a girl being shagged by 8 men. It’s too close to sex as violence and punishment, something done to a women and not a mutual act.

The poster above is right, how on earth did this become so normalised?

Ribbonnu · 02/12/2017 10:40

YABU

I would not share personal things like that about my partner - past or present - with anyone. I think you have invaded his privacy and been disrespectful.

stitchglitched · 02/12/2017 10:41

OP should apologise because her partner is embarrassed people now know he likes watching women get violated by 8 men at once? How about he apologises for being so revolting?

Queenofthedrivensnow · 02/12/2017 10:42

I also think controlling what you tell your friends is a red flag. I have been shot down about this on here in the past but I still don't like it

Queenofthedrivensnow · 02/12/2017 10:43

Stitch it is revolting. And creepy and frightening

donquixotedelamancha · 02/12/2017 10:45

You went through his phone, then told your friends his most intimate secrets? I'd leave you for that immediately.

Don't get me wrong- that video is pretty unpleasant, and the porn industry generally is awful; but you don't resolve your issues with partners by gossiping about them to mates.

If you don't want your partner to watch porn then you have an honest conversation and possible separate. Many men and women would not accept being controlled to that degree, but many others would agree with you and you are entitled to want a relationship that works. You are not entitled to humiliate your partner because he doesn't do what you want.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/12/2017 10:46

If he's annoyed it's because he's embarrassed to be such a twat.

If it embarrasses him that much, he shouldn't be doing it.

Original poster
Getonthearkunicorn · 02/12/2017 10:46

WhatToDoAboutThis no, the conversations were two way. It's not a 'lecture' it was a conversation. Not even a debate because we were apparently both looking at it from the same angle.

Also, I'm not sure what kind of relationship you have with your friends but I certainly wasn't 'dragging them' into anything. Having the conversation with him present and expecting them to input would be dragging them into it. Also, again, it's a conversation...so they were sharing too. Are they dragging me into their disputes with their partners?

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 02/12/2017 10:48

Yes it's frightening that the abuse of women, whether real or enacted, is seen as a legitimate sexual preference and men should be able to indulge in this with complete privacy. And these are real women, some of whom are vulnerable, and end up with long term injuries or MH problems as a result of the kind of acts that OP's partner wants to wank to.

JapaneseTea · 02/12/2017 10:48

Hey imagine if everyone called their dps on the porn watching and the affect it has on women, and how mainly women, are badly treated in the industry. And shared what they watched with everyone else.

And then maybe the men would have to think about the porn they were consuming. They’d have admit they liked watching rape and abusive porn.

This might start a look at our society and how we could all do things differently.

YANBU.

Porn does affect how women are treated.

CactusJelly00 · 02/12/2017 10:53

It's not like she went through his phone???
She borrowed it and it came up in recent searches...?
Not the same as snooping at all. In any case OP this would be LTB territory for me

NotAgainYoda · 02/12/2017 10:53

I think queen has it spot on

I think that maybe this is something to raise with him. He feels angry they know because he feels ashamed. He should feel ashamed because it's shameful. It's not about your relationship it's about him.

RandomMess · 02/12/2017 10:57

I suppose it's a case of "if there is nothing wrong with watching and enjoying gang rape porn what is the issue of discussing it with my friends? Would he be angry if you had shared what a good lover he was and is up to it a few times per night every night?"

MostPeopleAreCunts · 02/12/2017 11:00

Did you watch the video to be able to say that it was an enactment of a gang rape? How do you know that it was a video depicting non-consensual rather than consensual group sex?

YWBVU to share details of what he had been watching (in private) on his (private) phone. I would be fucking outraged if my partner invaded and betrayed my privacy in such a way.

Jaxhog · 02/12/2017 11:03

So you shared his dirty little 'secret', and he's annoyed? And now he wants you to apologise? YABU if you do! So he got caught out - he's the one watching degrading porn. Yuck.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 02/12/2017 11:03

YABU.

It's between you and him. I'd be so so pissed off with DH if he started complaining to friends about something so personal to me.

If you don't like it he needs to stop watching it. If he doesn't end the relationship.

But it's not up to you to blab to all and sundry.