I've really pissed off DP, so why don't I feel bad?

[Getonthearkunicorn]

Two nights ago I asked to quickly borrow DP's phone for a quick google search, and he was being weird about it (unlike him) he said it was because he didn't want me to see his tabs for Christmas gifts.

Anyhoo, my google search begun with a 'p' and brought up a list of about 5-6 previous visits to Pornhub, watching videos titled things like 'British slag getting fucked by massive cocks'

I was a bit as I am fully aware he watches porn, and it's never been an issue, but we've had extensive conversations about the porn industry and how people are treated, exploited, rape, misogyny, I could go on. He always agrees with me, and when we have watched porn together it has not been this derogatory orgy stuff.

Moving on, my two good friends were round last night and we got onto the conversation of partners watching porn. DP had just come back from being out himself, and went straight up to bed. Anyway, I said to them that I wasn't impressed that DP had been watching this stuff, and it's made me feel quite odd towards him. Unbeknown to me, he's heard this. Confronts me when I come to bed, I've embarrassed him, it's private, etc. I completely understand that it's private and I feel really bad that I broke that privacy. But actually I don't feel very sorry that I told them what kind of porn he was watching - especially the titling. He's absolutely fuming still and I've got the silent treatment, but I'm not really bothered because I think watching 8 men on one girl is pretty fucking grim.
So, do you think IBU? Should I be apologising profusely? He is utterly shocked that I'm not being very apologetic.

I'm back, just had to pop to shop as ran out of eggs for brekky
Even with dc grown up and one a boarder, it's rare me and dh get the whole house to ourselves.
Last night we made the most of it, we do have nights or days where we have romantic and sweet love making.
Last night was not the night for that, and happy to be a slag was I.

I don't get these coerced and cool women comments over women who either enjoy porn themselves or don't object to their partner enjoying it.
it's neither cool or uncool, it's just a preference.
Just because a woman enjoys watching it, it doesn't mean she was coerced.

SmileEachDay

I hear this a lot but I'm always sceptical that it's caused by porn. I wanted a blowjob when I was 15, I'd never kissed a girl. I didn't see hardcore porn until years after that. Kids have always wanted to have sex, it's kind of a biological thing.

I've never seen any evidence that:

1. There has been a measurable increase in 'sexualisation' of kids. Just lots of anecdotes along the lines of 'I didn't know what rimming was when I was their age!'

1. If there has been an increase, that is been caused by porn.

@gillybeanz

You may sound happy, but that could be misleading.

Are you sure you are not a victim of patriarchal conditioning? Are you normalising porn again? Do I detect the hidden hand of a mansplainer manipulating you?

I understand if you can't say it out loud. Just blink once for yes.

Was that a blink? I think it was. I was right!

I wonder what @bishopiggyinthemiddle might say

Oh

I got my dh into porn, I can't say that I have never subconciously been swayed by patriarchal conditioning, but I was into it as a teen.
As a young person in the 80's there was a bit of a free for all, the second revolution according to articles written later.
We were going to be nuked or die of aids, so we had a good time.
My dh was busy studying and only had 2 girlfriends before me and both lasted 2 years. He had no time for porn back then, but then I came along
My dh has never had any cause to mansplain or attempt to manipulate me.
I personally couldn't be with a man like this, whatever the subject matter.

Oh, one exception not putting decorations up until after his b'day in December, I'd prefer ist December He manipulate this one, and got dmil on his side. Apart from this, I get my own way and a bag to put it in.

I think you were out of line. He's an adult and was watching it in private. You embarasssed him. Whether or not you agree with him watching porn is irrelevant.

Imagine he told his friends you like reading reading erotic literature, or gave them details about how you masturbate gu! Wouldn't you

This isn't a discussion about porn, it's about wether you believe that your partner has a right to privacy.

I do not see how discussing his porn usage with your friends furthers the discussion between you because ultimately, the disconnect between what you and he find acceptable is the problem, isn't it?

I mean seriously, did you really think he was watching massage videos, shot in soft focus, with only two participants? It sounds like your 'cool gf' persona has a definite limit.

Highlight the issue is the teenage brain: it is immensely plastic and is going through a period of creating and pruning neurons at a rate faster than at any other time except toddlerhood.

The adolescent brain is also super sensitive to dopamine production, something with is produced when (amongst other things) we see something perceived as exciting/arousong.

plastic brain+extreme stimulation + no balance in input = some pretty hard wired, difficult to unpick feelings about what constitutes exciting and what will get that dopamine exploding.

You may have wanted a blowjob at 15, but would you have had an expectation that you’d get one? That asking for one at a party would be totally normal?

SmileEachDay

You might be right. But do you have any actual evidence? If not then it's just a possibility. See my original two points.

I dont think it was your place to tell your mates tbh. You should have discussed it with him if you want him to stop or if you have issues with what he watches, not gossip about him and his sexual perversions, especially since youre actually still with the guy. I could understand you talking to your friends if youd dumped him for it and were trying to get your head round it, but to chat to them about it while you supposedly still love him and hes in the same house, and in a group like that is a betrayal.

The 8 blokes and the gang rape were introduced by a pp, not the op

No, OP mentioned both things in her first 2 posts.

No- the video was titled "British slag getting fucked by massive cocks"

No specific number of massive cocks was mentioned.

And consent or otherwise was not mentioned either.

OP said 'I think watching 8 men on 1 woman is fucking grim.'

You are right I don't know. But there is no reason no think it is exploitation

How sad to see everyone trying to justify the porn watching habits by turning logic on its head. What if the "slag" in the video were your daughter? What if your daughter disappeared off the map because she was groomed for prostitution?

I'm really disappointed by the posters who think that women in pornos are automatically being forced into sex.
It reinforces the idea that women are unable to enjoy sex, or can only enjoy certain types of sex. It's a prudish and backwards way of thinking that doesn't do women any favours.
Some women like to be "degraded/dominated" in the same way some men do. Just because it isn't your cup of tea doesn't mean it should be banned or that it's harmful. If you don't like it, don't watch it.
Not all women just like it missionary. Some might get excited about the thought of sex with multiple men at once.
It's not my cup of tea either tbh but I completely support sexual freedom in every shape or form as long as it does not cause others harm.

Spot on Neo - YABU

I'm not sure about the rights and wrongs of the porn industry. Do they really have titles like "British Slag gets fucked by massive cocks?"

Just looked on Pornhub and on first page I found
British teen slag gets hard anal and rough deepthroat.

Thumbnail looks like the teenager is being forcibly gripped, eyes watering and in pain.

Amongst other gems like,

Picking up a schoolgirl for a quick drive home.

Young schoolgirl gets fucked.
Teen slut finds herself tied up while guy is pissing on her.
Slutty sisters fight over stepdads cock
My slutty bribe for daddy.
Teen fucked before school.

Lots of people saying we can’t be certain about the content of the vid in the OP while also saying with certainty, even guaranteeing that all men watch the type of porn watched in the OP. That’s just not true, plenty of men don’t watch it at all and of the ones who do not all watch one woman being penetrated by 8 men.

Dh hates the stuff, he hates how much illegal stuff with trafficked and coerced women is so easily accessible to children. That even if he did want to watch people have sex, he wouldn’t do it via websites that have illegal non consenting, coerced and revenged porn among its clips. That even if it’s a 0.01 chance a video features coerced actors,it’s 0.01 too high. He’s not saying it to keep me happy either, when we first met I thought it was actresses making a fortune and being able to choose what they do in movies and that they are loving it. It wasn’t something I watched but I couldn’t see the harm in it. I genuinely had no idea what is classed as “mainstream”, and the pressure on girls and young women to do these things in their relationships. Gagging ad vomiting because a penis has been pushed so far down the throat appears to be the latest trend.

I don’t want to be with a man who gets sexually aroused by watching teenage girls get roughly penetrated in the anus and the mouth. Or gets aroused by simulated rape or watching teenagers and women “gets” fucked, destroyed, hammered or whatever. Pretend or otherwise.

I also never read that 50 shades book but wasn't that about a women enjoying somewhat unconventional sex?
Do we just need a fancy artistic cover and discreet title to make a bit of s&m okay? Is that where porn hub is really going wrong here?

OP said 'I think watching 8 men on 1 woman is fucking grim.'

Well she wouldn't have guessed that oddly specific number from the title. "British slag getting fucked by massive cocks" She must have watched it for, research purposes.

Neoflex-do you not see the difference between a book and a porn video? Shall I explain it to you?

I replied yesterday but it hasn't posted for some reason.

Right, so:

It was on previously visited, he had not typed in the title but had obviously been on the gang bang section. There were 5, maybe 6 other video links in the history, I don't remember their names and I didn't click on them. I did click on the 'British slag' one, and there was at least 8 guys. I couldn't watch more than a couple seconds. It was horrible. It was clearly a set up scene, but that doesn't make it right. She coulda been fucking loving it, she coulda been in loads of pain. We will never know.

DP knew I speak to my friends about everything. I always have done, I rely on them for everything and I made this very clear before we entered a relationship.

I am a hypocrite I suppose. We have watched porn together, I've always thought 'tasteful' but tbh, it was more before we had small children and were teens ourselves (we are fairly young still) but I have taken on the hypocrite comment on board and will be avoiding all porn in the future.

I've told him what I think about it. It's foul. He has no defence. We still are not speaking and it's a very odd atmosphere. Not sure where we go from here. But I feel like I am strongly in the right, it's horrifying. I asked him if he would enjoy me being that 'slag' and he said no, he would find it very distressing. So surely he will reflect on that and realise that means it's sick.

What if the 'massive cocks' turned out to be cartoon chicken Foghorn Leghorn and his deadly rival Rhode Island Red.

Porn won’t ever be banned. If it can’t be banned I want to see it made safer.

I wish it could be more regulated in a way that ensures all actors are there by free choice, and that the extreme content is harder to access by children.

Some kind of education in place that educates young boys and girls about porn and how the acts they see different to how it happens in relationships, that porn doesn’t show the discussions of consent, and that if a person says no, it means no.

Well said OP

I rely on them for everything

Why do you rely on your friends for everything, to the extent you made this clear before entering the relationship? Are you not an adult?

Actually mumof56 I've been an adult since I became a parent at an age could still be considered 'a child'

I rely heavily on my friends as they do on me, because they're the strongest network I have. They tell me when I am wrong, and they tell me when I am right. We tell each other everything and unashamedly. They have been there for me in times when DP couldn't of been. Our relationship is far from perfect, but it works for us. It may sound very odd to you, but that's us.