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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've really pissed off DP, so why don't I feel bad?

281 replies

Getonthearkunicorn · 02/12/2017 09:34

Two nights ago I asked to quickly borrow DP's phone for a quick google search, and he was being weird about it (unlike him) he said it was because he didn't want me to see his tabs for Christmas gifts.

Anyhoo, my google search begun with a 'p' and brought up a list of about 5-6 previous visits to Pornhub, watching videos titled things like 'British slag getting fucked by massive cocks'

I was a bit Hmm as I am fully aware he watches porn, and it's never been an issue, but we've had extensive conversations about the porn industry and how people are treated, exploited, rape, misogyny, I could go on. He always agrees with me, and when we have watched porn together it has not been this derogatory orgy stuff.

Moving on, my two good friends were round last night and we got onto the conversation of partners watching porn. DP had just come back from being out himself, and went straight up to bed. Anyway, I said to them that I wasn't impressed that DP had been watching this stuff, and it's made me feel quite odd towards him. Unbeknown to me, he's heard this. Confronts me when I come to bed, I've embarrassed him, it's private, etc. I completely understand that it's private and I feel really bad that I broke that privacy. But actually I don't feel very sorry that I told them what kind of porn he was watching - especially the titling. He's absolutely fuming still and I've got the silent treatment, but I'm not really bothered because I think watching 8 men on one girl is pretty fucking grim.
So, do you think IBU? Should I be apologising profusely? He is utterly shocked that I'm not being very apologetic.

OP posts:
missiondecision · 02/12/2017 15:56

Something consensual made to appear like rape is sick.... if it gets him going that is very sad indeed.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 02/12/2017 16:24

If it’s wrong to slut shame women it’s wrong to porn shame men.

ROFL 🤣 if that’s not the perfect example of false equivalence I don’t know what is!

sailorcherries · 02/12/2017 16:30

Yes some women are forced in to the adult entertainment industry but some are also willing.
Much like some clothes are made in sweat shops and some are not.

Many production companies are reputable and participate in various checks and awards nights. It is a career for some women.

The OP has not clarified whether it was a mock of rape or a woman enjoying sex with multiple partners. Group sex and gang rape are worlds apart nor is group sex comparable to child abuse when all parties are willing.

The OP cannot say this type of porn is okay because I enjoy it, but this type is not because I don't enjoy or find group sex a turn on.

She isn't opposed to porn, that is not the issue here and she has never clarified how she knows it was a gang rape scene and not a group sex scene.

As for embarrassment indicating it being wrong and sbameful, that's bollocks. I enjoy anal sex, having my hair pulled, dressing up and being held down by my partner. I am not embarrassed or ashamed as there is nothing wrong with enjoying what I do in a consensual and respectful relationship. I would be embarrassed if my OH told his friends any of those details as it is not their place to know and it is no ones place to know if I never told them. I'd be even more embarrassed if he expressed disgust at my fantasies.

stitchglitched · 02/12/2017 16:30

Missed 'porn shame'. FFS.

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 02/12/2017 16:32

There's an additional problem with the dissemination and normalisation of this kind of porn over and above the conditions it may have been made in.

This is where boys and young men are getting much of their sex education and the people who suffer as a result are girls and young women. In my view making this stuff and disseminating it in such quantities is tantamount to incitement to rape and adult men who watch it are both financing and legitimising that.

Mumof56 · 02/12/2017 16:34

Would you be happy with your husband sharing how you masturbate with his friends?

stitchglitched · 02/12/2017 16:38

And there we have it. A woman getting banged in every orifice by 8 men in an industry rife with exploitation is no more than a mastubatory aid.

Mumof56 · 02/12/2017 16:40

@stitchglitched

And there we have it. A woman getting banged in every orifice by 8 men in an industry rife with exploitation is no more than a mastubatory aid

You seem surprised at this "revelation", did you think it was for the story? Confused

stitchglitched · 02/12/2017 16:44

Not surprised, just saddened that some are so desperate to defend the right of a man to orgasm at any cost and dismiss the potential human suffering that may come with it.

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 02/12/2017 16:46

"Porn is not a sidebar when it comes to the culture of sexual harassment: Porn is the culture. It’s the propaganda of male sexual entitlement. If you want to learn to treat women as things to be manhandled, exploited and disposed of when they don’t comply with your desires, porn is where you get that education."

From Sarah Ditum in yesterday's Indy

Mumof56 · 02/12/2017 16:47

desperate to defend the right of a man to orgasm at any cost and dismiss the potential human suffering

And some are so desperate to pretend that no women, only men watch porn.

How quaint

tillytown · 02/12/2017 16:47

If it’s wrong to slut shame women it’s wrong to porn shame men
What the fuck?

stitchglitched · 02/12/2017 16:50

On this thread, it's about a man wanking to a pretty grim scenario and that is what people are defending hence my wording. I haven't seen a single person suggest that women don't also watch porn.

sailorcherries · 02/12/2017 16:52

Stitch but we don't know if it's gang rape or group sex. The assumption was made but the OP never clarified and the title could mean either.

Bluntness100 · 02/12/2017 16:55

If he doesn't think there's anything wrong with it, why would he be embarrassed and ashamed

She didn’t say he was ashamed. She said he was embarrassed. Just like the op, you, me and every other normal person would be embarrassed if our partner decided to regale their mates with what we liked or did sexually.

Her not liking it or disapproving doesn’t give her the right to sit and tell her mates about it on a social occasion. Just like the fact she may do things he doesn’t particularly like and she wouldn’t want him to tell his mates.

If she doesn’t approve then she discusses it with him. She can end the relationship, but it’s well out of line to sit gossiping to her mates about it and even worse when he can hear.

Honestly. In this breach of trust, I’d bin her. If my husband ever chose to regale his mates with anything sexual about me there would be all hell to pay there really would.

Hovevef he would not do that and neither would I, we would discuss it as adults and either resolve it, agree to disagree or split. Then she can tell anyone she wishes. As can he about her.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 02/12/2017 16:56

Even the title “British slag” would be enough to put me off him.

Who gets off on women being spoken about like that? Who gets off on sex that is about hating women?

timeisnotaline · 02/12/2017 16:59

I wouldn't generally recommend sharing intimate details of your partner but for me this goes beyond intimate details, it fundamentally changes how I would think of him so is a bit more like inappropriate behaviour or cheating which you absolutely should share with friends to get support and perspective. Shouldn't it worry your dp more that you aren't sure about him than what your friends think anyway?

Lizzie48 · 02/12/2017 17:00

Even the title “British slag” would be enough to put me off him.

Who gets off on women being spoken about like that? Who gets off on sex that is about hating women?

This 100%. There's something deeply unpleasant about this kind of language about women. As if they deserve to be disrespected. Angry

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 02/12/2017 17:01

I'm amazed that there seems to be a need to explain why a sexual scenario involving 8 men and 1 woman which describes itself as a 'slag getting fucked by massive cocks' might be problematic from the woman's perspective

Lizzie48 · 02/12/2017 17:04

I think the OP probably shared this with her friends because she wanted to know whether she was reasonable in being upset about it. The same reason for coming on here actually. It would have been better to come straight on here, she would have had a very different response if she'd done that, for certain.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 02/12/2017 17:05

Indeed Genghis. That’s the stage we’ve reached. It’s the new normal.

sailorcherries · 02/12/2017 17:05

There are many of the same porn clips with differing titles depending on who has uploaded it. It says more about the individual who titled that clip than it does someone who has a group sex fantasy.

stitchglitched · 02/12/2017 17:08

Surely group sex involves a group of people having sex with each other? Does 8 on 1 really count? I'm assuming the men aren't having sex with each other too.

Neoflex · 02/12/2017 17:15

Just asked dh and he says he would be mad in this situation too.
He also asked me what would I do if I had a porn stash, he found it, then told his mates about it.
To be honest I would be upset if the shoe were on the other foot.

stitchglitched · 02/12/2017 17:16

Anyone who clicks on a film with that title is expecting to see a woman being degraded and abused. I'd say that says quite alot about them actually.