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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've really pissed off DP, so why don't I feel bad?

281 replies

Getonthearkunicorn · 02/12/2017 09:34

Two nights ago I asked to quickly borrow DP's phone for a quick google search, and he was being weird about it (unlike him) he said it was because he didn't want me to see his tabs for Christmas gifts.

Anyhoo, my google search begun with a 'p' and brought up a list of about 5-6 previous visits to Pornhub, watching videos titled things like 'British slag getting fucked by massive cocks'

I was a bit Hmm as I am fully aware he watches porn, and it's never been an issue, but we've had extensive conversations about the porn industry and how people are treated, exploited, rape, misogyny, I could go on. He always agrees with me, and when we have watched porn together it has not been this derogatory orgy stuff.

Moving on, my two good friends were round last night and we got onto the conversation of partners watching porn. DP had just come back from being out himself, and went straight up to bed. Anyway, I said to them that I wasn't impressed that DP had been watching this stuff, and it's made me feel quite odd towards him. Unbeknown to me, he's heard this. Confronts me when I come to bed, I've embarrassed him, it's private, etc. I completely understand that it's private and I feel really bad that I broke that privacy. But actually I don't feel very sorry that I told them what kind of porn he was watching - especially the titling. He's absolutely fuming still and I've got the silent treatment, but I'm not really bothered because I think watching 8 men on one girl is pretty fucking grim.
So, do you think IBU? Should I be apologising profusely? He is utterly shocked that I'm not being very apologetic.

OP posts:
ILoveMillhousesDad · 02/12/2017 11:06

It must be so embarrassing for him

He should be fucking embarrassed. It's disgusting getting your rocks of to the thought of a woman being abused.

If I found out that this gave my husband sexual pleasure, he wouldn't be my husband for very much longer, because it would turn my stomach.

Lizzie48 · 02/12/2017 11:10

MostPeopleAreCunts, it's the language about women in the porn that's disturbing, at a time when there are 60,000 rapes a year, the idea that women are 'slags' who are up for it. Maybe the woman in the video is up for it, but a lot of women are not and are subjected to group sex that isn't consensual. Hmm

Kitsharrington · 02/12/2017 11:12

I don't really think that's your information to share with anyone. Take it up with him, not your friends.

worridmum · 02/12/2017 11:18

How you like he he told people privete stuff about you I hope to god you are squiky clean or i would be telling all my friends all the dirt little secerts you would possibly have.

RemainOptimistic · 02/12/2017 11:20

The true measure of a person is what they do when they think there's no one looking.

Nothing good ever stays as a secret, does it? Secrets are things people are ashamed of, things that are causing harm.

He has not got a leg to stand on. Hopefully the situation will shock him into a reality check on his own deeply held beliefs about women and his own sexuality.

dustarr73 · 02/12/2017 11:24

Bit of a hypocrite op,you watch porn as well.If you find it that bad maybe you shouldnt be helping an industry that according to you exploits women.

You went beyond the pale.I find that so disrespectful to your partner.

And this is the thing that annoys me,just because you dont like a certain sex act.Doesnt make the women who might enjoy it bad people.If you didint even see the video,you don know the content.

Mxyzptlk · 02/12/2017 11:25

And then maybe the men would have to think about the porn they were consuming. They’d have admit they liked watching rape and abusive porn.

And maybe they wouldn't cos there'd immediately be a campaign about individual rights and the rights of porn actors etc etc, probably featuring as main news items for ages and being the subject of discussion on TV and then it would be accepted that this is all fine in our culture.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 02/12/2017 11:25

But the op doesn't have a problem with porn.

She hadn't told him what type of porn he was 'allowed' to look at! I can't see how that's his fault.

stitchglitched · 02/12/2017 11:27

So a man needs to be specifically instructed not to watch women being gang raped, otherwise how could he possibly know it is wrong?

Mxyzptlk · 02/12/2017 11:28

OP, if this has upset you so much that you are rethinking the relationship and whether you want to be with this man, then it's understandable you were rattled enough to talk about it to friends.

If that's so, make sure your DP knows it and see if he cares how you feel.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 02/12/2017 11:30

He needs to be told what porn the op objects to if she has said porn is fine with her yes stitch, imo. I can totally see why he's pissed off with her.

Viviennemary · 02/12/2017 11:30

I think he is right to be annoyed you discussed it with your friends. I read most men watch porn at some time. So all the pearl clutching is a bit silly. IMHO.

tumblrpigeon · 02/12/2017 11:36

You should not have discussed it with your friends .

You need to have a frank conversation with your husband about what is acceptable and what isn’t in your relationship

tumblrpigeon · 02/12/2017 11:37

And yes I have discussed things with my friends about my husband that I shouldn’t have and I regret it.

SweetheartTreacleTart · 02/12/2017 11:37

sounds like he is being unreasonable and is clearly embarrassed, if he wanted to defend his dirty little actions he should have come down the stairs and explained himself. Whilst there may be nothing wrong with porn, that title disgusts me.

Lizzie48 · 02/12/2017 11:39

Pearl clutching? Is it pearl clutching to object to women being described as 'slags' and men being encouraged to stick their cocks inside them? It does sound like it was encouraging gang rape, and I don't believe that's true of all porn by any means.

I have never had a problem with the idea of erotic films by the way so I'm not particularly complaining about the idea of porn, only degrading attitudes to women.

ReanimatedSGB · 02/12/2017 11:42

If you don't like him watching a specific type of porn, end the relationship. You don't get to tell everyone about how awful his sexual preferences are and expect him to do penance in public forever.
(Yes, some porn is made under exploitative conditions, but not all. And many people have sexual fantasies that are not necessarily cuddly and fluffy, but understand the difference between fantasy and reality.)

worridmum · 02/12/2017 11:45

And most porn actress are better paid then people would expect my friend did so porn while in univesrity and made more money a year then she does as a senior doctor....

Lizzie48 · 02/12/2017 12:13

Some escorts make very good money, too, for that matter, because there is a lot of money in the sex industry. But my guess is the majority of us wouldn't exactly be jumping for joy if our DD told us one day that that was her career choice??

ObscuredbyFog · 02/12/2017 12:13

worrid what would happen if one of her patients recognised her.
Imagine the consulting room,
Good afternoon Mr. M, please sit down and tell me about your symptoms.
Mr. M does a triple-take and says 'Good heavens, thought you looked familiar, I watch you most nights before I go to sleep. You are Gloria the Goer in 'Give it Great Give it Grand'. Y'know the bit where both guys... Xmas Shock

JapaneseTea · 02/12/2017 12:17

It is interesting this, if we assume that the porn was rapey, (ie British slag fucked by massive cocks doesn’t sound it’s worried about the woman’s enjoyment) then people are saying oh that’s ok.

But if it was child porn the. It would be LTB and go to the police (of course quite rightly).

But what if the British slag in question is 18 but looks younger? Why is pre 18 deemed awful but once a women gets to 18, then it’s all to watch her being roughly ivolated.

Sorry off topic OP and I am not really looking for answers, just find the casual consumption of women’s pain startling. and the fact we should all keep quiet about it.

sailorcherries · 02/12/2017 12:29

OP you are being a massive hypocrit.

You have extensive conversations about the porn industry and what is wrong with it; yet you watch porn with him. You cannot be against it whilst enjoying it. You cannot decide a, b and c is okay for both of you to watch but x, y and z isn't okay for him.

You have taken the title and assumed it is gang rape unless you went on to watch it. What if it is consensual multiple partners? Many people within and outwith the porn industry take part in consensual group sex without it alluding to rape.

Whilst discussing your DHs habits did you also drop in your own preferences?
I'd be furious with you.

RagingFemininist · 02/12/2017 12:32

SGB the problem though is that it’s not about his fantasms and sexual preferences.
It’s about his feeling if inadequacies about being found out. It’s about him feeling guilty and uneasy that everyone knows his ‘dirty secrets’.

If you are keen on certain fantasms as well as caring enough about the people who are in those films, it would be easy to say
‘Yes I do have fantasms about group sex. I like watching that but I’m also aware about the possibility of ‘non ethical’ porn so I am careful about what I am watching’ (as in how it’s produced etc... that is IF there is such a thing as ethical porn with group sex)
But that’s not what he is saying.
He is saying that he can do what he likes and not to tell anyone because he knows he shouldn’t be doing it and will be judged (more about the not caring about the women than the fantasms i imagine).
Another way to put it is that he is asking the OP to not say to anyone that he is totally uncaring about the women he is watching/women in general.

I have to say, I agree about the idea that a lot of men would be much more careful about what they are watching if they knew their secret could be known by all. Just like a lot of men will be more careful about what they do to women after the #metoo campaign etc... that has highlighted some ‘normal’ practices by men (such as inappropriate touching etc etc)

AnnieAnoniMouse · 02/12/2017 12:44

I think it’s one thing to discuss it with A friend if you are upset & considering leaving him over it, it’s quite another to just generally discuss it with friends like you were.

It doesn’t matter what it is, porn, football, flower arranging...it was private stuff on his phone & unless it’s causing you serious upset that you need to talk about, then you had no right to gossip about it with your friends.

TheStoic · 02/12/2017 12:55

So you are ending the relationship?

Good for you.