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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've really pissed off DP, so why don't I feel bad?

281 replies

Getonthearkunicorn · 02/12/2017 09:34

Two nights ago I asked to quickly borrow DP's phone for a quick google search, and he was being weird about it (unlike him) he said it was because he didn't want me to see his tabs for Christmas gifts.

Anyhoo, my google search begun with a 'p' and brought up a list of about 5-6 previous visits to Pornhub, watching videos titled things like 'British slag getting fucked by massive cocks'

I was a bit Hmm as I am fully aware he watches porn, and it's never been an issue, but we've had extensive conversations about the porn industry and how people are treated, exploited, rape, misogyny, I could go on. He always agrees with me, and when we have watched porn together it has not been this derogatory orgy stuff.

Moving on, my two good friends were round last night and we got onto the conversation of partners watching porn. DP had just come back from being out himself, and went straight up to bed. Anyway, I said to them that I wasn't impressed that DP had been watching this stuff, and it's made me feel quite odd towards him. Unbeknown to me, he's heard this. Confronts me when I come to bed, I've embarrassed him, it's private, etc. I completely understand that it's private and I feel really bad that I broke that privacy. But actually I don't feel very sorry that I told them what kind of porn he was watching - especially the titling. He's absolutely fuming still and I've got the silent treatment, but I'm not really bothered because I think watching 8 men on one girl is pretty fucking grim.
So, do you think IBU? Should I be apologising profusely? He is utterly shocked that I'm not being very apologetic.

OP posts:
sailorcherries · 02/12/2017 17:27

Surely group sex involves a group of people having sex with each other? Does 8 on 1 really count? I'm assuming the men aren't having sex with each other too.

Any group of people involved in sexual activity is group sex. A threesome with two men and a woman is group sex, even if the men don't have sex with each other.

Where is the limit for acceptable numbers? A woman with two men, engaging in a threesome? A woman and three men? Where does one get to tell another when there are too many men?

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 02/12/2017 17:28

If a bloke found that his DW had a stash of porn depicting a category of people he belonged to (say a particular ethnic minority group, or people with a particular disability) being sexually hurt and humiliated by people belonging to her own demographic, then I would say he would be well within his rights to be disturbed by it and to want to talk it over with people he trusted.

stitchglitched · 02/12/2017 17:36

Fair enough, I just think calling it group sex minimises the 8 on 1, abusive aspect of it.

JackietheBackie · 02/12/2017 17:55

I think the issue is that you are both annoyed about two different things.

You are annoyed because you found out that he has watched pornographers that you consider to be violent and degrading. You said you guys spoke about it, but you didn't say what his response was when you told him you found it disgusting.

He is annoyed because you shared something private and personal with your friends and told them that this has made you look at him differently.

I think both of you are completely justified in feeling hurt and upset, and I don't envy you in trying to resolve this.

Neoflex · 02/12/2017 17:59

I didn't get the bit about anyone being humiliated or hurt though. That is coming from imagination. It doesn't say that in the title. Nor does op say that.

Atenco · 02/12/2017 18:01

Yes some women are forced in to the adult entertainment industry but some are also willing.
Much like some clothes are made in sweat shops and some are not

Whao, just whao!

And you think this is the same! Do men have the same basic need for a wank as we do for clothes?

Atenco · 02/12/2017 18:03

Apart from the fact, that it is possible to masturbate using one's imagination or, failing that, an erotic story, where no women were hurt in the making of it.

Sallystyle · 02/12/2017 18:10

If my husband watched shit like that I would bloody well shame him, then leave him.

YANBU OP.

His right to privacy would end for me the second I found out he was watching that degrading abusive shit. If you watch that shit you lose my respect, husband or not.

Neoflex · 02/12/2017 18:11

Atenco you think only men watch porn? And that in the making of every porno someone has been harmed? Or that some women or men don't enjoy domination.
Not talking from personal experience per se but I have friends who did enjoy a good experiment here and there and they were independent women, not monsters, not victims.

stitchglitched · 02/12/2017 18:15

You don't really know which films involve harm and which don't though. I wouldn't want to take the chance that I was getting off to what amounts to a filmed rape, no matter how small the risk.

JamesBondsMrs · 02/12/2017 19:05

Depiction of rape in porn is illegal in the uk. Chances are it was a group sex scene and not a rape one.

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 02/12/2017 20:05

Mmm, but depiction of painful and humiliating sex that most women would not enthusiastically consent to is neither illegal or uncommon

Labradoodliedoodoo · 02/12/2017 20:10

He thinks his privacy about watching women be humiliated is more important then your need to discuss the fact that he enjoys something in which women are humiliated. I think you win.

OhNoOhNo · 02/12/2017 20:15

I think you've (rightly) lost respect for him and are perhaps indifferent to him? Once you're indifferent, you're less inclined to worry about his feeling.

I'm glad he's shocked that you're unapologetic.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 02/12/2017 20:21

Mmm, but depiction of painful and humiliating sex that most women would not enthusiastically consent to is neither illegal or uncommon

I think that’s the key. You can argue till the cows come home that porn is performed by consenting paid adults and therefore ok.

But it creates an environment in which unpaid women who haven’t chosen to be in porn feel pressured to do stuff that they don’t want.

dustarr73 · 02/12/2017 20:31

Mmm, but depiction of painful and humiliating sex that most women would not enthusiastically consent to is neither illegal or uncommon

Im sorry thats bollix,you dont get to say what other women consent to.Some women like painful and humiliation ,same way some women dont like it. You cant put a blanket statement out like that.

Ttbb · 02/12/2017 20:33

Well I'm glad that you aren't married to me. Regales of what he's watching it's really not ok to tell other people let alone be judgmental about it. I don't like porn for many reasons but I don't get on a high horse about what goes on between consenting adults.

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 02/12/2017 20:36

Do you think 50% or more of women enjoy being hurt and humiliated during sex dustarr73?

dustarr73 · 02/12/2017 20:39

Well WhatWould you dont know that anymore than i would.Thats a silly statement/,

Atenco · 02/12/2017 20:39

Neoflex Talk about not getting the point.

Yes there are women with no empathy who watch this stuff too. I'm sure women also help to trick young girls into taking part in these films too and help to bury the bodies when it all goes too far.

Is your need for equality satisfied now?

Marriedwithchildren5 · 02/12/2017 20:41

Completely unreasonable.What happened to loyalty!? It's like he read your diary and joked about any of your fantasies. It's pornhub not the deep dark internet!!

oldlaundbooth · 02/12/2017 20:41

In this case I wouldn't give a fuck if he was pissed off.

sailorcherries · 02/12/2017 20:50

Can you please tell me where it says the man was watching rape porn?
Or did that just come from imagination?

As for taking chances on what depicts harm or non-consent there is no way to tell unless porn is made illegal; and include in that stripping, pole dancing, lingerie and nude modelling. How dare there be any industry where by someone, somewhere may be forced despite many being willing.

Or maybe just make it illegal unless it's a man and a woman expressing their consent then engaging in boring, missionary style sex until both climax and a condom is safely disposed of. While they are under the covers.

As for burying the fucking bodies talk about making leaps.

Mumof56 · 02/12/2017 20:55

Can you please tell me where it says the man was watching rape porn?

It doesn't. We're also glossing over op (a woman) watches porn too.

dustarr73 · 02/12/2017 20:57

Atenco women who have no empathy.Really.

Having a gangbang is not illegal.What he watched wasnt illegal.You mightnt like it but hes not in the wrong.

Op breaking his confidence is in the wrong.If she thought it was illegal,go to the police.