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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've really pissed off DP, so why don't I feel bad?

281 replies

Getonthearkunicorn · 02/12/2017 09:34

Two nights ago I asked to quickly borrow DP's phone for a quick google search, and he was being weird about it (unlike him) he said it was because he didn't want me to see his tabs for Christmas gifts.

Anyhoo, my google search begun with a 'p' and brought up a list of about 5-6 previous visits to Pornhub, watching videos titled things like 'British slag getting fucked by massive cocks'

I was a bit Hmm as I am fully aware he watches porn, and it's never been an issue, but we've had extensive conversations about the porn industry and how people are treated, exploited, rape, misogyny, I could go on. He always agrees with me, and when we have watched porn together it has not been this derogatory orgy stuff.

Moving on, my two good friends were round last night and we got onto the conversation of partners watching porn. DP had just come back from being out himself, and went straight up to bed. Anyway, I said to them that I wasn't impressed that DP had been watching this stuff, and it's made me feel quite odd towards him. Unbeknown to me, he's heard this. Confronts me when I come to bed, I've embarrassed him, it's private, etc. I completely understand that it's private and I feel really bad that I broke that privacy. But actually I don't feel very sorry that I told them what kind of porn he was watching - especially the titling. He's absolutely fuming still and I've got the silent treatment, but I'm not really bothered because I think watching 8 men on one girl is pretty fucking grim.
So, do you think IBU? Should I be apologising profusely? He is utterly shocked that I'm not being very apologetic.

OP posts:
WhooooAmI24601 · 02/12/2017 13:05

Anyone who feels sexually aroused by rapey-porn needs fucking castrating because it's wrong in more ways than I can even say. It's not 'normal' or 'ok' to be googling phrases like that.

The fact is that once you type in a search to Google it becomes recoverable and traceable. If he's typing unsavoury stuff into Google the repercussions are on him. I genuinely think he's more embarrassed that your friends know than he is about you knowing; that speaks volumes.

gillybeanz · 02/12/2017 13:12

YABU it was private and not for you to tell.
Talk to him about it and tell him you don't like it, but you can't force somebody not to do something.
It can't be porn per se that you are against as you say you watch it together.
Me and dh watch porn together and separately, not regularly. As long as he wasn't watching children or abuse I'm not bothered what he watches and him likewise with me.

OnionKnight · 02/12/2017 13:13

Is the video actually depicting rape or is it a very misleading title? That was my first thought as porn sites at not known for accurate titles.

As for telling your friends I don't think that you were being that U, however unless you watched the video then I'd be a bit wary in case you make your partner out to be something he isn't.

RedDogsBeg · 02/12/2017 13:18

The title of that says it all doesn't it? British slag, so the woman is referred to as a slag and the men are what?? Hideous.

I wouldn't apologise to him either in fact I would expect an apology from him.

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 02/12/2017 13:21

So it's OK for men to share images of the sexual exploitation of women with other men, but not ok for women to talk to other women about finding this upsetting?

WhooooAmI24601 · 02/12/2017 13:28

As long as he wasn't watching children or abuse I'm not bothered

From war the OP suggests it's play-acting a woman being gang-raped. If that's not abuse I'm unsure what is, really.

Northernparent68 · 02/12/2017 13:28

You just happened to borrow his phone and searched under P, and then you just happened to mention it to friends so loudly he could hear you.

Get off your high horse, you were snooping and then shaming him.

If it’s wrong to slut shame women it’s wrong to porn shame men.

ToffeeUp · 02/12/2017 13:31

Isn't saying things like you shouldn't discuss private issues with friends/family the reason why so many women stay in abusive relationships?

dustarr73 · 02/12/2017 13:32

And you can't compete child abuse images with legally made poor.
And womanwho look under 18 but are 18 are adults.Allowed to make their own choices.

Plus the porn you watch together op, could just as easily be forced as well.

GardenGeek · 02/12/2017 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 02/12/2017 13:37

I think you were in the wrong. It’s private. Like your sex life. How would you feel if he said unicorn likes to wank daily and uses her rabbit for doing so. She really gets off on it if I watch ?.

Breaking your privacy much? Because quite frankly you sharing with your mates gives him absolte and utter permission for him to share with his mates. Your disapproval of his viewing is irrelevant, it’s his decision,, it does not give you the right to start telling your mates.

If I was him I’d be phoning my mates in front of you and explaining to them what you like. Then you can be unapologetic together.

slashlover · 02/12/2017 13:38

YABU in that one woman with one man may be just as exploited as one woman with many guys. You don't know what goes on behind the scenes so can't really judge who is being taken advantage of. Many stories have come out over the years about how the actresses have had problems.

anonhq.com/horrifying-truths-adult-film-industry/

RagingFemininist · 02/12/2017 13:38

It’s nit because something is legal that it’s ethical or that you can’t actually argue about the validity if that choice.
It’s nit because it’s legal that you have to live with your partner making that choice.

dustarr73 · 02/12/2017 13:43

Toffee the op hasn't indicated it's abusive relationship.So saying stuff like that and bringing child abuse in to it is getting way off topic.

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 02/12/2017 13:45

The problem with sharing details of mutual sex without permission is that it brings a controlling / coercive element into what should be a consensual situation.

OP's DP privately watching rapey porn is not a consensual sexual situation. And if it makes her feel upset and uncomfortable then in my view it's perfectly fine for her to talk it over with friends to get some perspective, just as it would be if she was uncomfortable about any other aspect of their relationship.

IfNot · 02/12/2017 13:57

I wouldn't be sorry either. And I think I would have to end it because I wouldn't be able to ever fuck him again. I hate porn though, and my cards are well and truly on the table about that. And I don't expect completely vanilla sexual preferences from a man ( what's a bit of kink between friends) but would never be with someone who was into stuff they should be ashamed of.

Atenco · 02/12/2017 14:13

And most porn actress are better paid then people would expect

A lot of young girls go missing here in Mexico and are being trafficked into prostitution and the porn industry. I consider the users of prostitutes and consumers of porn to be accomplices of the criminals.

Neverender · 02/12/2017 14:17

If he doesn't think there's anything wrong with it, why would he be embarrassed and ashamed?!

stitchglitched · 02/12/2017 15:03

If he was getting off on child or even animal abuse there would rightly be an outcry. Just a woman though, being gang raped by 8 men? His private sexual business apparently. Hmm

GertrudeBelle · 02/12/2017 15:17

I would dump him.

And then tell everyone you know it was because he liked watching women being gang raped.

missiondecision · 02/12/2017 15:23

His opinion of you for telling your friends would be irrelevant.
“What gets him going” would get me going too.... right out of the door.
Weird man.

Whitegrenache · 02/12/2017 15:40

Serious question.

Do you all not think the woman involved in this porn consented?
It's not rape if she allowed it to happen without coercion. It would group sex

yorkshapudding · 02/12/2017 15:41

Lots of posters are referencing OP's DH watching women being "gang raped"...have I missed something? Was it definitely not consensual group sex? From the OP it doesn't seem clear that this is the case.

Dancinggoat · 02/12/2017 15:44

Whether you agree with the porn or not is irrelevant to me.
To me a relationship is between two people. I love a chat and laugh with friends but never talk about anything personal to them about him. Equally he wouldn't tell his friends anything personal about me.
If you don't like him watching porn fair enough but sort it privately.
Relationships to me are based on trust and if I couldn't talk to my other half without the knowledge it was between us there would be little relationship there. The personal stuff kept personal.

stitchglitched · 02/12/2017 15:54

How would anyone even know if this woman consented? Some women in the porn industry are trafficked, coerced and raped. Many of the women have a background of abuse. I would also hazard a guess that any producer who chooses to film 8 men on 1 woman doesn't really care very much for the welfare of the woman involved.

Would anybody find it acceptable for 8 men to visit a prostitute and all have a go at the same time? I would hope not, even if she said yes, because people would recognise the potential for the woman to be vulnerable, coerced, only agreeing for financial reasons. That doesn't change just because a camera is rolling.

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