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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to go to wedding abroad 10 days after due date

237 replies

Smarshian · 01/12/2017 21:10

So my DHs v good friend is getting married 10 days after I am due to give birth next year. The wedding is a short flight away. This will be our second baby. We have a dd who will be almost 2 by the time this baby arrives. Our DD arrived 10 days late. DH wants to book flights to go to the wedding (on his own) and plans to go if baby arrives on time.
I don't know if IABU but I'd rather he didn't book flights as I will feel under pressure to say he is fine to go even if I don't feel up to being alone over night with a newborn and toddler this early on. He thinks it makes sense to book flights while they are cheap rather than last minute but says he won't go if I'm not up to it.
He plans to fly out early on the morning of the wedding and return late afternoon the following day.
AIBU not wanting him to book flights? Obviously if the baby arrives a couple of weeks early then I will be fine (assuming no other issues) but I just don't know how I will feel yet.

OP posts:
sunshinesupermum · 02/12/2017 13:41

Just say no OP otherwise you will be so stressed out by the time your due date arrives you won't know for sure if he will be with you or not.

I also find it very sad that he doesn't want to send this time bonding with his new child and helping make DD feel OK with a new baby in the house.

This is precious family time and he needs to step up.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 02/12/2017 13:58

I'd have no issues with this either, it's the wedding of a very close friend and plenty of people are away overnight etc with work.

It's one night, if you can't manage for one night then maybe planning a second chid wasn't the wisest. What happens if you end up a lone parent?

Xmasbaby11 · 02/12/2017 14:00

No way. I'd be extremely disappointed if my dh wanted to do this.

His priory is his family now.

octonaught · 02/12/2017 14:08

If it's a really good friend, then he should understand that your DH has more important priorities.
How much will your DH realistically see of his friend on the day?
Your DH is just going on a 2 day jolly whilst you have a newborn and a toddler.

If you give in now, how many other times in the future will he slope off on his own leaving you with 2 kids?

BelligerentGardenPixies · 02/12/2017 14:30

I say this as someone whose husband was abroad for the birth of our 4th child by c-section and coped and has also often had to look after/travel with a newborn and toddler and other children on my todd, so I am not in the "you cannot possibly cope on your own overnight" club.

However, this is not really a tenable situation. The potential to negativly impact both your family and the bride and groom is too great. There are too many variables to make a workable plan and he needs to do the right thing by you and his friends and just accept that it is lousy timing and he can't go.

If you are making a last minute decision (which it will have to be) then far more than £50 will have had to have been spent (outfit, present, hotel etc) not to mention the money that the B&G will have laid out. It's a shame for him but not the end of the world - he needs to pull his big boy pants on and accept that being a parent sometimes means a sacrifice needs to be made and honestly he should be coming to that conclusion himself and not making you be the big old "ball and chain" stopping him from going schtuk.

Saffronwblue · 02/12/2017 14:32

It wlould be a no way from me. You don't want this hanging over your entire pregnancy. You don't want him hoping for a smooth birth, well and easy baby and calm toddler just so he can head to the airport for this junket. He should be hoping for these for your and the dc sake alone.

WitchesHatRim · 02/12/2017 14:50

@Saffronwblue wow a leap much. I'm sure he thinks of those think for the OP and their DC.

That is unless you know him and can confirm differently?

If it's a really good friend, then he should understand that your DH has more important priorities.

They don't even know the OP is pregnant yet.

Ohyesiam · 02/12/2017 15:41

If he took the toddler, and left you with someone reliable I'd b ok with it
Otherwise not.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/12/2017 15:47

He CAN'T take the toddler because it's a childfree wedding.

tinysparklyshoes · 02/12/2017 15:51

Of course he can't go. Stupid dick

Is there any need for such posts?

I would be fine with it, as would many others. You don't have to be OP, but its not like he's suggesting he goes on a 2 week break to thailand is it?

Just talk about it like normal people.

Original poster
Smarshian · 02/12/2017 16:08

As I've said my issue isn't really whether he goes or not, I just feel like he is making it my decision whether he can and I don't think that's fair. I have spoken to him and he will discuss with our friends this week if it's feasible for them to adjust numbers last minute.
He certainly wouldn't go if I told him I wanted him to stay but I don't think HE would make the decision to stay if dc2 has arrived and all healthy but I was struggling with bfing for example. He doesn't seem to understand why it can't be my decision.

OP posts:
Parker231 · 02/12/2017 20:43

Have you asked him as to why he would even be considered going away when his new baby is only days old? I’m amazed that he would be considering it. I don’t think much of his parenting.

Quartz2208 · 02/12/2017 20:46

Would he be happy for you to go away a night and leave him?

Original poster
Smarshian · 02/12/2017 20:49

I'm sure he wouldn't mind but I'll be bfing so obviously won't be going away overnight until I'm able to express enough/ baby has moved on to formula.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 02/12/2017 20:53

Oh, FFS, just tell him not to go! He's a bit of a twat for even considering it. It's not work, it's not deployment, it's a poxy party that they banned kids at. When you chose to have a party abroad and then ban kids, you can expect a lot of people, including those close to you, who have young families won't be able to go. It's not your mother's or friend's job to be there for support so he can swan off to go to a party.

Llanali · 02/12/2017 20:53

Genuinely, I’d be fine with this. He has said he won’t go when it comes to it if you don’t want him to.

In my relationship I would have no reason to doubt my husband would back down on that, and I don’t feel pressured by him to say or do anything, so i would just be honest if I didn’t want him to.

That said, barring real issues I wouldn’t have a problem with him going on an overnight. The abroad doesn’t matter to me; it’s wuicker to Spain for me than to Durham for example.

Llanali · 02/12/2017 20:54

I’ll bite- why can’t it be your decision? He’s offering you the choice- isn’t that a good thing? If you want him not to then just say no....

Imaginosity · 02/12/2017 21:02

I'd encourage my DH to go provided the baby arrived before he left and there wasn't any complications that meant I needed him to stay. If he's only away a short time I'd manage. I think if its a close friend he should make the effort to go. At least f he books cheap flights he can cancel it if needs be.

BishBoshBashBop · 02/12/2017 21:13

If you don't want him to go tell him! It seems you are wanting to jump through some sort of hoop with all this 'he's making it my decision' rubbish.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/12/2017 23:16

I can see why OP doesn't want it to be her decision, but it makes a difference what sort of bloke her DP is.
If he's a grudge holder, then I'd be refusing point blank to make the decision myself - because I KNOW it would come back in my face later.
If he's an incompetent decision maker who can barely decide what to wear in the morning without help, then I'd be encouraging him to make his own decision because I'm not his fecking mother.

If, on the other hand, he wants her to make the decision at the time based entirely on whether or not she feels able to cope, then that's not quite so bad. Although I'd still prefer him to WANT to help with his new baby, and not be told he's needed to!

Originalfoogirl · 02/12/2017 23:28

thumbwitchesabroad I agree. It doesn't seem that the question is "are you going to allow me to go or not".* The question is "do you feel well enough for me to go".* It has to be her decision because it is based on how she is doing at the time - unless the OP shares the view of those here who say he absolutely shouldn't go no matter what.

Are you totally against it in principle OP, can you envisage any way you'll be ok with it?

Originalfoogirl · 02/12/2017 23:31

Strange random bold there!

Gennz18 · 03/12/2017 01:16

If it was one of DH's very good mates - say one of his 3 best friends that he went to high school with and has known for 25+ years - I would probably do my best to help him go, as long as I felt OK and had some help with the toddler.

If it was (a) any less than one of those friends or (b) the baby was late/the birth was rough/there were any complications at all with me or the baby is have no compunction about saying no (& would expect him to be full on-board with it)

ittakes2 · 03/12/2017 02:20

See I think he is being sensible because if he gets the flight cheap it’s not such a big deal to miss it. But - it sounds like you are worried if you don’t think he should go closer to the time that if the flight is booked that he will anyway?

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/12/2017 06:25

I agree with a PP that I would judge a man who did this if I met him at the wedding.

Maybe put it to him in those terms, how would he feel to know that people were thinking badly of him by leaving you days after giving birth just to attend a wedding.

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