Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to go to wedding abroad 10 days after due date

237 replies

Smarshian · 01/12/2017 21:10

So my DHs v good friend is getting married 10 days after I am due to give birth next year. The wedding is a short flight away. This will be our second baby. We have a dd who will be almost 2 by the time this baby arrives. Our DD arrived 10 days late. DH wants to book flights to go to the wedding (on his own) and plans to go if baby arrives on time.
I don't know if IABU but I'd rather he didn't book flights as I will feel under pressure to say he is fine to go even if I don't feel up to being alone over night with a newborn and toddler this early on. He thinks it makes sense to book flights while they are cheap rather than last minute but says he won't go if I'm not up to it.
He plans to fly out early on the morning of the wedding and return late afternoon the following day.
AIBU not wanting him to book flights? Obviously if the baby arrives a couple of weeks early then I will be fine (assuming no other issues) but I just don't know how I will feel yet.

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 02/12/2017 08:52

He needs to be there to support you, whether baby has arrived or not. There's no telling what sort of complications could pop up.

Or they might not and everything maybe absolutely fine.

WitchesHatRim · 02/12/2017 08:52

Lots of projecting in this thread.

KhalliWali · 02/12/2017 08:53

He can't take the toddler as the wedding is no children.

Gosh, this annoys me! I was going to suggest you all go, if the flight is less than 3 hours. But clearly you can't.

Why, out of interest, have they said no children?

RagingFemininist · 02/12/2017 08:54

Errr so he cares so little about his own child (soon to be born) that he is happy to go away to a wedding Just afetr the birth?

And he also care so little about you that he is happy to leave on your own with two very young dcs, with no idea of who the birth will have gone, if you are coping well etc?

Sorry but he is VERY selfish.
And a crap father and husband.

The fact you actually have to check this is the case is even more :(:(

mindutopia · 02/12/2017 08:54

But really why book tickets now? If it's a quick short haul flight, it's easy to get tickets last minute, same with hotel, if he really was to want to go (he shouldn't even be thinking about it, but anyway). The whole needing to book tickets now thing sounds like a way to ultimately put pressure on you to go, even if the situation is not ideal (you gave birth the day before). 'Well, the tickets are already booked, so have to go now...'

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 02/12/2017 08:55

Why, out of interest, have they said no children?

I'm guessing because it's their weddingand they can Hmm

RagingFemininist · 02/12/2017 08:58

He needs to be there to support you, whether baby has arrived or not. There's no telling what sort of complications could pop up.

Or they might not and everything maybe absolutely fine.

Yep because 10 days or so after giving birth, even if everything goes swimmingly, the OP will have no issue at all dealing with two children under 3yo. No adapataion time needed at all. No risk of colic, newborn hardly sleeping (well they hardly sleep anyway), no issue with jealousy form the older one, no need for a break in the evening because you haven’t been able to put your newborn down at all, no risk of being some issue wth bfing.
Nope, 10 days after giving birth, women are supposed to be back to their normal self and cope with everything wo any help at all and wo a murmur too.
Riiiight....

AND fathers also do not want to spend time with the newborn, not want to discover who they are, start looking after them, take care of the.
Nope their life will just carry in as before with trips abroad etc... not a care in the world.
Probably because all that is a woman’s job?

PinkyBlunder · 02/12/2017 08:59

So he’s happy to leave you with a newborn and 2 year old less than 2 weeks post partum without any kind of support. I don’t think the money should really be the issue here.

What if you end up having a section and you can’t lift/drive/generally do a lot? Complications happen sometimes, what’s he going to do then?

eggsandwich · 02/12/2017 09:08

Absolutely he should not go.

It’s a stressful time the closer you get to the due date, sometimes no two births are the same and you could need him to be more hands on than last time especially with already having a little one.

His priority is you at this moment in time and if your fretting about him being away it’s selfish of him to even consider it and put the burden on you for saying yes or no he can go.

I agree that with previous poster who said that paternity is there to help and bond with the baby, but he’s not going to be helping if he’s in another country.

Original poster
Smarshian · 02/12/2017 09:08

As I've said. He has assured me he won't go if I need him here. I just feel like by booking tickets he is giving me the responsibility for allowing him to go or not.

OP posts:
Originalfoogirl · 02/12/2017 09:09

it sets a precedent that you might not want.

Because it’s impossible for people to talk about things as adults as and when they arise.🙄

Originalfoogirl · 02/12/2017 09:11

I just feel like by booking tickets he is giving me the responsibility for allowing him to go or not.

So why not just tell him that. To be honest, he sounds sensible to me and has clearly said he won’t go if it’s not the right time.

lborgia · 02/12/2017 09:15

Well, witches, with reference to my “projection” the OP has just said it again, her DH is giving her “responsibility for allowing him to go or not”. So not projecting at all.

Cat2lady · 02/12/2017 09:18

I'd definitely not be happy for him to go. Our first will be due next July and my husband was supposed to be going on a good friend's stag do abroad in August and I've said I really wouldn't be happy for him to go. Tbf he's pretty much agreed with me because it's not just the timing it will be the cost too.

Cornettoninja · 02/12/2017 09:28

I recognise this horrible 'if you say no you're the dick' position he's putting you in and it's shitty. Dp does it and I call him out on it every time. He's only asking because he knows my feelings and wants to force me to go willingly with his plans. Still bloody does it though Confused

Yes some women would be fine and more power to them but some, myself included, wouldn't be happy with being left for him to go on a jolly just after giving birth.

Physically, your body has been through a lot and will still be going through changes at that point and emotionally you and your toddler willl need him there.

Does he fancy being left with the toddler and newborn? If so great because if anyone needs the break it's you.

Reallycantbebothered · 02/12/2017 09:30

Why don't you buy the tickets...if everything goes smoothly and baby arrives on time, he can go...if not he stays and you've not lost a fortune
He's only going to be gone for 2 days!...not a fucking fortnight!
My dh was back at work and on call as a Dr when I was 10days pp ( elcs) with a new born and a 2 yr Old ....and you know what , we managed fine this was before good old paternity leave

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 02/12/2017 09:31

RagingFemininist no one knows what will happen until the baby is born or might happen between now and then.

OP is probably just over 3 months ish if they have only just announced it.

I ended up nearly dying in pregnancy and during birth so would absolutely not have been an option for us. My DSis breezed through everything so for them it would have been fine.

If it wasn't however they would have talked about it. OP and her DH aren't being open with each other about how they feel about it.

Some couples would be happy about it, some wouldn't. Assuming that they are crap husband's or fathers on this one thing is ridiculous.

Huge leap from going away for a day or so but some are acting like he's going to the other end of the world for a month.

Becles · 02/12/2017 09:36

OP would not be left alone for 36 hours with a 2 yr old and newborn baby though. She's said a number of times that her DM and a friend would be willing and able to support her if asked.

Myheartbelongsto · 02/12/2017 09:47

Its one night people!

HopingForSomeSnow · 02/12/2017 09:50

My DH did this to me once - I had a scheduled operation and we knew that after I would not be very mobile with 2 young DC, but he booked to go away for a week with work. His work was more important to him than me and the kids. He told me he would't go, but that would involve cancelling one of his team's holidays so they could go instead. And he put that decision on me. So I refused to decide for him, so of course off he went. I was so upset and hurt. There really is no excuse for this sort of thing.

WitchesHatRim · 02/12/2017 09:51

Its one night people!

Exactly

AnaWinter · 02/12/2017 10:00

Petals he said he would only go if the baby had arrived and the op was ok with it. He won’t miss the birth.

I think he should book the flights as they are so cheap now. Op has said her mother will stay with her if necessary. I don’t see the big deal to be honest.

ZanyMobster · 02/12/2017 13:28

It's just 1 night. He's said if all's not ok he'll stay behind and there are people around to help so I don't think it's an issue.

DH went to an FA cup final 3 days after c-sec with DS2. He was away from 5am till late that evening. Would have made no difference if overnight as DCs in bed when he got back anyway. DS1 was 2. It was an important event for both of us so I didn't want him to miss it. MIL popped round to help with any lifting and I had friends pop in and out to say hi all day.

I am not a particularly cool wife and when I first knew it was so close to birth I was quite stroppy about it but when I thought about it I could see it wasn't an issue really. I am sure if I was unwell he would have stayed behind (I may ask him now to check though lol)

ZanyMobster · 02/12/2017 13:28

Oh and if baby hasn't arrived then it would have to be a no presumably.

Lashalicious · 02/12/2017 13:36

Just say no, OP! Walk in there where he is, or call him or text him and tell him No. That is your answer, your final answer. No more agonizing over this. He is putting this friend over you. No, no, no. That is not how it’s supposed to work. Plus, he’s trying to make you feel guilty if you protest. He knows that if he buys the tickets now, no matter how you feel or what happens when it comes time for him to go, you will feel too guilty to tell him no and he is a jerk who will act like it’s up to you. No, a decent husband would not even consider going. Nip this in the bud, do not listen to the folks jumping on his bandwagon. This is one of those moments where your dh’s priorities are in sharp relief and if he doesn’t develop the sense to know which one to pick, then he’s going to continue to do things like this.