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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to go to wedding abroad 10 days after due date

237 replies

Smarshian · 01/12/2017 21:10

So my DHs v good friend is getting married 10 days after I am due to give birth next year. The wedding is a short flight away. This will be our second baby. We have a dd who will be almost 2 by the time this baby arrives. Our DD arrived 10 days late. DH wants to book flights to go to the wedding (on his own) and plans to go if baby arrives on time.
I don't know if IABU but I'd rather he didn't book flights as I will feel under pressure to say he is fine to go even if I don't feel up to being alone over night with a newborn and toddler this early on. He thinks it makes sense to book flights while they are cheap rather than last minute but says he won't go if I'm not up to it.
He plans to fly out early on the morning of the wedding and return late afternoon the following day.
AIBU not wanting him to book flights? Obviously if the baby arrives a couple of weeks early then I will be fine (assuming no other issues) but I just don't know how I will feel yet.

OP posts:
queenofthesheds · 01/12/2017 22:38

Send him off on the stag and Skype the wedding.

ilovepixie · 01/12/2017 22:38

To be honest I wouldn't have a problem with it. It's his good friend and it's only for 1 night. You could ask someone to stay with you if you needed it.

ITCouldBeWorse · 01/12/2017 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

perfectstorm · 01/12/2017 22:40

Nope. This is his child, and while you may be able to cope beautifully with both children, a key role for a father when you have the second baby is to ensure the first still feels the centre of the family. You can't be in two places at once, you can't breastfeed on demand (if you plan to) and still have free arms for the toddler, and you can't ensure both have all the time and energy most first children need when the second arrives alone. Will your eldest cope? Yes, absolutely. But they don't need to, and nor do you.

It's a friend's wedding, or his own babies. This is behaving as though you are the one responsible for them, and he's not equally so. It's an overnight visit when he has a newborn. Bonkers idea IMO.

perfectstorm · 01/12/2017 22:41

'All I can think is that if I was making polite conversation with someone on a table at a wedding overseas and asked if they had children and what ages and they said yes, two, in fact my youngest was born five days ago, I'd go "wow! How lovely, congratulations" while thinking, you utter, utter cock.'

Same.

BrizzleDrizzle · 01/12/2017 22:42

He's being selfish, inconsiderate and unreasonable. No way should he go unless it's a very, very close relative (like a brother who he is a best man for) and the wedding was arranged before you were pregnant. Even then it should only be if you have excellent support locally.

AnnaleeP · 01/12/2017 22:44

What @TinySnowBuddy said.

I'd be thinking the exact same thing.

It's a shame the timing hasn't worked out, but that's life. It's the risk you take when you book a child-free wedding abroad tbh.

Save the money and take them out for dinner with it when they're back from honeymoon.

ninnynono · 01/12/2017 22:44

You could still leave your dd with your dm and stay at home alone with the newborn?

I think some posters are being overly dramatic and harsh on your DH. It seems like a good plan, to book tickets now, with the idea that if for any reason you don’t feel up to him going, he’ll cancel.

Honeycombcrunch · 01/12/2017 22:45

Tell him you don't want him to go. You and the children have to be the priority over his friend's wedding.

Want2bSupermum · 01/12/2017 22:45

Why would you even entertain the idea? No on it's own is a sentence.

wtffgs · 01/12/2017 22:45

He really is a fucknugget if he goes. Even with the best of births (dc2) there was no way I could have looked after DC (age 2) as well. Your mum really doesn't sound like an option.

Why the actual fuck is he contemplating this?

Good luck with your pregnancy and birth and twatbadger DH Smile

timeisnotaline · 01/12/2017 22:49

They said no children. You have a 2 year old and are having a newborn. They don't want him there that much.
I agree that booking it might turn into it's agreed unless you say no. I would not accept that responsibility, it's not my job to tell my husband how to be a halfway decent husband. I couldn't get over it if he prioritised a friend's wedding over his family because I didn't spell out n.o. for him.

perfectstorm · 01/12/2017 22:50

You could still leave your dd with your dm and stay at home alone with the newborn?

Well, my son would have been heartbroken if a couple of weeks after his baby sister arrived, we'd sent him elsewhere for the night - even to his granny's - and right now, when she is herself a toddler, my daughter would be jealous and angry as hell. She'd feel excluded.

Of course, if regular overnights are part of the toddler's existing life, and they don't seem to resent the baby, then it could be nice for them to go somewhere where they're the centre of attention, exclusively. So I appreciate that it really does depend on the child and what they're used to. But it's not an automatic solution, either.

GruffaloPants · 01/12/2017 22:54

Everyone's different. It wouldn't have bothered me with my second. No harm in him asking. But he would be vu to go if you aren't genuinely fine with it.

Ragusa · 01/12/2017 22:57

Agreed Gruffalopants, I would have been fine at 10 days after my second if DH had really needed to go somewhere. Having said that, I really would not have been OK had he gone 4 weeks post-birth when I was deep in the throes of PND.

If you can affrord the £50 then I would be tembted to let him book, but definitely make it crystal clear that it probably ain't gonna happen and you and baby and toddler DC will come first.

speakout · 01/12/2017 22:58

GruffaloPants but you only know that in retrospect.

We can't predict our birth date or the type of birth we have,

I had easy births and on time, with my second I was doing the weekly shop in Tesco within 24 hours of birth with two kids in two.

But I could just as easily been two weeks late with lots of stitches or very hormonal or struggling to breastfeed, and until that point we can't predict.

And I would hate to have been under that sort of pressure beforehand.

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/12/2017 23:01

If baby was on time or even few days late and no problems then I wouldn’t mind

Df had to go back to work when dd was 5 days old. Yes he was here at night but not days and I coped

It’s a good friends wedding and as long as he sticks with what he said about not going if baby not here then I would book tickets

Sure you can get a friend or relative round for that time if you need company

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/12/2017 23:02

What @TinySnowBuddy said. I would judge the fuck out of him if I were a wedding guest.

DD hadn't even arrived at that point and I would have hated the stress.

WeAllHaveWings · 01/12/2017 23:13

He’s an arse for putting you in the position of being the party pooper by saying you don’t want him to go when you are worried about being put under pressure when you will be vulnerable, physically and mentally exhausted after a very recent birth and with a toddler and newborn.

He should want to be home to support you.

Bettyspants · 01/12/2017 23:13

It could all be absolutely fine but you're not going to know that until your baby is here. He's being a Brit of s twat in my opinion and assuming birth will be 'on time' , you and bubba will be fabulous and every thing is great. Yes it's only a short trip away but with your history of being over due and needing a flight I think it's incredibly unthinking of him. Wait until baby is here , if all is well he can book if there's tickets available.

chocatoo · 01/12/2017 23:16

I would book the ticket as not too expensive but make it clear that it will be a bonus if he gets to use it.

JaniceBattersby · 01/12/2017 23:38

Well maybe next time he has, say, a major operation on his penis, tell him that ten days after he’s had it and while he’s still bleeding, you might be flying out on a totally optional night away. You’ll be leaving both the kids with him, obviously. He might be a bit weepy and in pain but, you know, he’ll get through it.

I mean, you don’t have To go but you really want to and the tickets are booked, so.....

I’d have his guts for garters OP.

Starlighter · 01/12/2017 23:55

Who does this?! Seriously?!

No, no, just no! I think this would seriously damage my marriage if this happened to me.

Having a newborn is hard. Having a newborn with a 2-year-old is ridiculously hard. And he’s going to swan off and leave you to it to go to a wedding while you’re still recovering from giving birth?! Fuck that.

Becles · 02/12/2017 00:08

I think YABU

He wants to book tickets while they are cheap and is happy not to go if at the time it's not feasible.

He's due to be away for approx 36 hours

We had planned to attend together and leave dd with my dm.

So ask your DM to stay with you to support you for the time he's away. You could ask a friend to spend the day with you and DM to come for the evening / overnight stint to minimise the impact of too much togetherness.

He goes to a very good friend's wedding, you get to be supported with your dd. Win win.

If the baby's late or there are difficulties which mean he can't go, he doesn't go.

Not sure what the angst is abut 36 hours (all being well with you post birth) if they were good enough friends to consider making childcare arrangements and flying abroad to their wedding.

Myheartbelongsto · 02/12/2017 00:13

I'm sorry, you are being unreasonable. You're having a baby not your legs removed.

He'll be gone for just one night.