Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to go to wedding abroad 10 days after due date

237 replies

Smarshian · 01/12/2017 21:10

So my DHs v good friend is getting married 10 days after I am due to give birth next year. The wedding is a short flight away. This will be our second baby. We have a dd who will be almost 2 by the time this baby arrives. Our DD arrived 10 days late. DH wants to book flights to go to the wedding (on his own) and plans to go if baby arrives on time.
I don't know if IABU but I'd rather he didn't book flights as I will feel under pressure to say he is fine to go even if I don't feel up to being alone over night with a newborn and toddler this early on. He thinks it makes sense to book flights while they are cheap rather than last minute but says he won't go if I'm not up to it.
He plans to fly out early on the morning of the wedding and return late afternoon the following day.
AIBU not wanting him to book flights? Obviously if the baby arrives a couple of weeks early then I will be fine (assuming no other issues) but I just don't know how I will feel yet.

OP posts:
bettydraper31 · 01/12/2017 21:26

No way. Like PP said, there’s just some things you can’t do anymore when you have children. Ask him seriously how he would feel if the roles were reversed? x

Original poster
Smarshian · 01/12/2017 21:26

I also think he is causing issues for the bride and groom as he may have to pull out at the last minute, which I'm not sure he appreciates- he's not discussed it with them yet.

OP posts:
doodlejump1980 · 01/12/2017 21:27

Nope nope nope nope nope. What if you (touch wood) end up with a section? You won't be able to lift your toddler, drive, you might even still be in hospital.
No. Nope. Niet. Nein. Nadda.

Codlet · 01/12/2017 21:27

The thing is that you have said you don’t mind him going in some circumstances (eg if baby arrives early), but if that does happen, will he effectively not be able to go because by then the flights will be too expensive?

If so then I can see his point tbh. As long as he truly, genuinely is happy not to go if you don’t want him to when the time comes.

nameshelpplease · 01/12/2017 21:28

I think it depends on how you feel about it. If you don't want him to go then he shouldn't go.

For me, if this situation came up with a first baby then it would've a definite no.

With a second baby, it might be a yes or a no depending on how close DH is to the friend getting married, what other support I had, how things had gone with the birth of the first child etc.

But the bottom line is that he should be there to support you in the early days after the birth. It's up to you if you're happy for him to go or not.

oblada · 01/12/2017 21:28

If it was me I'd let him go but it's down to you. Since money isn't an issue why not book and decide closer to the date? Baby may come early/on time! It's common for first babies to be a bit late :)

Feedmepringles · 01/12/2017 21:30

unresonable To even think of going

NapQueen · 01/12/2017 21:31

Meh I would be ok with this. Its 36 hours
max. Fair enough if baby is literally days old but there is a chance the baby arrives a few days early, and if you go overdue then he can just not go

Original poster
Smarshian · 01/12/2017 21:33

I really don't think he would go if I said I wasn't happy with it but I just don't know how whether I will feel under pressure because the bride and groom will have paid for him and he will have paid for flights. DM is really the only person close who could help but I think I'd rather not have her here overnight!

OP posts:
BeALert · 01/12/2017 21:35

It's not fair on you, or the bride and groom to not decide till the last minute.

noeffingidea · 01/12/2017 21:35

It wouldn't have bothered me either, but it's up to you.

RemainOptimistic · 01/12/2017 21:35

What on earth is going on here? For goodness sake communicate OP. Talk to your partner. Do his friends know you're pregnant and the due date is basically their wedding date? Would they be happy for him to fuck off and abandon his family at a time of need? For god's sake. OP just say it out loud to the people concerned. This is not OK!

expatinscotland · 01/12/2017 21:36

Gawd, what kind of parent even thinks of doing such a thing for a wedding? Not work, not being deployed, not life or death or a funeral. Never mind what support you have, he's a fucking parent! His family comes first. Anything goes with a baby. No, no booking flights! No agreeing to go! He's got a child on the way and a toddler at home, not your family's or his parent's or your friends to look after and support the other parent, but his. How do people get so selfish? Just NO. No going to the wedding 10 days after your due date.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 01/12/2017 21:37

If it was me, I'd be fine about booking the flights. If your baby arrives on time, an overnight stay in 10 days time for the wedding of a close friend would be okay with me.

If the baby arrives later than that, then no.

I'd rather he didn't book flights as I will feel under pressure to say he is fine to go

This comes down to your relationship. You don't know how you'll feel. You definitely shouldn't feel as though there's any pressure.

You can only agree to book flights, knowing that your wishes and needs might change at any time leading up the flight departing, and your DH needs to be reassuring that those wishes be put first and respected.

TrinitySquirrel · 01/12/2017 21:39

Massive dick for even considering it. I would have caused murder for even suggesting it when I was that pregnant.

TrinitySquirrel · 01/12/2017 21:39

Imagine if you end up with a csection. Down in money as no frigging way he could go.

limitedscreentime · 01/12/2017 21:40

Umm, no no no. Even assuming your birth is straight forward and maybe even a couple of weeks early, you are still going to be coping with a new born and a toddler who's world has just been turned upside down. The toddler will need Daddy even more as you are taken up with the baby. Plus being unsettled etc could mean the toddlers night wakings increase and trying to settle two of them is no mean feat, esp when the baby won't be put down and the toddler wants cuddles.

You would survive, but it wouldn't be fun for anyone, and your DH is hardly going to arrive home refreshed to give you a break.....

FittonTower · 01/12/2017 21:40

10 days over i was still pregnant with my first and in intensive care with sepsis after my second. But even if i hadn't had 2 emcs and had 2 straightforward, on time births I'd still have needed my husband's support at 10 days (or there abouts) post partum. Babies are hard work and it's his baby just as much as it is yours, the only difference is he isn't filled with hormones and recovering from 9 months of pregnancy and birth.

firawla · 01/12/2017 21:40

No. The timing is way too tight. If you went over last time you’re not likely to go early this time, probably be ten days over again. It’s better he just declines and forgets about it. If it was a month after or something, then I’d be alright with it but 10 days is just silly. It’s different if he was in the armed forces or something and got called up with no choice, then obviously people just get on with it but this is his decision and he can very easily say no.?

AnUtterIdiot · 01/12/2017 21:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NewBrian · 01/12/2017 21:41

Even if everything goes to plan and the baby isn’t late... he wants to go away 10 days after the baby in born?! That in itself is a no let alone th possibility that you won’t have given birth/could need a csection! My sons father wouldn’t have suggested going to a wedding over the road at that point, let alone abroad. What a selfish twat.

flowery · 01/12/2017 21:45

He’ll be away for a day and a half, a large proportion of which he could easily be at work anyway, and he says if you’re not up to it he won’t go? I’d be fine with that.

Some of the people responding to this sound like they think he’s going for a fortnight not one overnight!

19lottie82 · 01/12/2017 21:45

I’d be LOL’ing and telling him not to be so fucking ridiculous!

Lashalicious · 01/12/2017 21:45

This is one of those moments in time that will influence your husband’s list of priorities in the future. You are his wife. You will be giving birth to his child, whether it’s the first, 2nd, or 5th. It is a big deal. You come first. Not his best friend. It’s great that he has a best friend. A wonderful best friend will understand your dh not coming to his wedding within 10 days of your due date. A best friend is a distant 2nd on the list with you at the top. Period. Not only should your dh not go, but he should apologize for even considering it, and for giving you an extra burden to worry about on top of your pregnancy and toddler and everything else that goes on around a pregnancy.

SoftSheen · 01/12/2017 21:46

I wouldn't have a problem with this, providing the baby doesn't arrive late, and that you are both well and coping. It's only one night. My DH had to go on a 4 night work trip 2 weeks after DC2 was born (by ELCS) and we managed.

Is there any possibility that you DM or another close relative/friend could stay with you overnight, or come and help out during the day?