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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to go to wedding abroad 10 days after due date

237 replies

Smarshian · 01/12/2017 21:10

So my DHs v good friend is getting married 10 days after I am due to give birth next year. The wedding is a short flight away. This will be our second baby. We have a dd who will be almost 2 by the time this baby arrives. Our DD arrived 10 days late. DH wants to book flights to go to the wedding (on his own) and plans to go if baby arrives on time.
I don't know if IABU but I'd rather he didn't book flights as I will feel under pressure to say he is fine to go even if I don't feel up to being alone over night with a newborn and toddler this early on. He thinks it makes sense to book flights while they are cheap rather than last minute but says he won't go if I'm not up to it.
He plans to fly out early on the morning of the wedding and return late afternoon the following day.
AIBU not wanting him to book flights? Obviously if the baby arrives a couple of weeks early then I will be fine (assuming no other issues) but I just don't know how I will feel yet.

OP posts:
LouHotel · 02/12/2017 00:16

No and your absolutely right if the flights are booked it sets the precedent that its ok to go.

He's unreasonably to even make this your decision. Its a straight up and he should no better.

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 02/12/2017 00:25

When my baby was ten days old I was being re-admitted to hospital with an infection. I was basically delirious in bed for two days. I would want my partner to be around just in case. I think it is perfectly reasonable to ask him not to go.

Blueskyrain · 02/12/2017 00:38

If have been OK with this (and I had a section), and think that as long as he's OK to cancel it if needs be, then it's perfectly fine to book it.

Rozbos · 02/12/2017 00:41

I don't really understand the angst here. He wants to book tickets whilst cheap and if the op and baby are both doing well and the op is ok with it he'll go. If there are any problems or the baby is late or the op doesn't feel comfortable being left he won't go. Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. All the people suggesting that the op could be ill/have a cs/baby be late are ignoring the fact that in that situation he has said he won't go.

thedowntontrout · 02/12/2017 00:51

No.
Just no.
Booking flights puts pressure on for you to agree for him to go.
He should just refuse as you (both) have a baby due.

IMO he shouldn’t even be considering it.

Belleoftheball8 · 02/12/2017 00:54

I wouldn’t let my dh go away so close to the due date but all my dc were late so would have ended up only been days old. I had ds2 when dd was 2and she was rather unsettled crying not sleeping for a while so I really did need dh help at the time especially as I was seeing to DS2 who I was breastfeeding. Paternity time is bonding time an opportunity to spend quality time before returning to work not going off to a wedding abroad.

Migraleve · 02/12/2017 00:56

I was in a similar situation with DD2. DD1 was only 22 months and DH had a wedding in Ireland. He booked but obviously if DD2 didn't arrive in time he would have just stayed home. As it turned it she arrived 5 days before he was due to fly so all was good.

disneydatknee · 02/12/2017 01:16

I just asked DH his opinion on this and he’s said no way would he leave me on my own with a toddler and a new born straight after birth to go to a wedding. What happens if something went wrong and you needed a c section? You would definitely need him around for that! And even if it was a straight forward birth, you would be exhausted. Sorry but this would be a big fat no for me. Who’s wedding is it? Are they really close?

ReanimatedSGB · 02/12/2017 01:29

Almighty amounts of waa, waa, waa on this thread. It's perfectly reasonable to book a cheap flight to an event in the future that you would like to attend, if the price difference between booking now and booking later is really massive. Lots of people manage to not die/explode/be so upset they never recover from their tantrum if babies are born a bit unexpectedly and plans have to change.
The main things to consider and discuss with your DP are not about Who He Loves Most (which will only be proved by him either never going out again or leaving you mid-labour to get on a plane):

Will it involve the marrying couple losing money if he ends up not able to go? (In which case you should just say to them: sorry, we're a No because we can't be sure about the due dates and don't want to mess you about.)

Are the cheap flights really cheap if booked now? (In which case, book them if you can afford to write the money off: if he can't go because you are either in labour or you/newborn are too ill for him to be elsewhere then, well, you've just lost that much money.)

Do you have enough reliable family/friends support for him to go without you anyway? Do you mind if he goes - or do you feel that these friends are important enough to both of you for it to be OK for him to go and carry your good wishes with him? (If it's 'no' to all that and these are some mates of his that you are not that fussed about then he should, really, prioritize you and DC and politely decline.)

MrSnrubYesThatsIt · 02/12/2017 04:54

No.
Awful that he'd even consider it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/12/2017 05:24

I can see his point, I can - the flights being that much cheaper now, it does make sense to book them now and then not go if it's not convenient. But I think he has to look at more than just cancelling the flights when the time comes - he has to realise he will be costing the B&G money too if he doesn't go, which might piss them off a bit; plus there's surely a cost to staying there involved somewhere too?

So it's not as simple as "I'll just book them now when it's cheap and then cancel if it's not right when the time comes and it'll only be £50", it won't.

I'd be pretty unhappy with it, I have to say - I think he should talk more to his friend about the situation, and see what their thoughts are on the matter. I also think he should realise that it might be VERY difficult for you to cope without him, even for one night - you might still be in hospital, for e.g., so he'd need to look after your DD, or all sorts of other eventualities.

It's unfortunate for him, but I think he should make his mind up to it NOW that he won't be able to go. That will save a lot of resentment at the time of your DC2's birth, which will spoil an important time for you as a family. Have a chat with him and point out all the things that could go wrong that will stop him from going in the end - see if he sees the force of your argument without having a sulk about it.

EssentialHummus · 02/12/2017 05:27

Not sure about buying/not buying a ticket, but I think it’s mad for him to consider leaving you at home in those circumstances unless you have someone else about to help.

falange · 02/12/2017 06:16

If he is going out on the morning and coming back the next day it wouldn't bother me if he went.

BrandNewHouse · 02/12/2017 06:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PastaOfMuppets · 02/12/2017 06:32

OP will get no bloody kudos, it will become the acceptable standard that he can be out despite her wanting him home, it sets a precedent that you might not want.

Whinesalot · 02/12/2017 06:39

Why can't dd go to gran as planned and you have a nice bonding time to with the baby?

It's a one off. I'd do my best to let him go but tbh you'll never cope completely on your own.

MuddlingThroughLife · 02/12/2017 06:57

Well if it was my dh I'd be telling him to book the tickets and go. In my circumstances though, dh has epilepsy and so I did all the night time feeds for all three kids, otherwise the lack of sleep for dh would have caused fits and tiredness. Also with his epilepsy he can't drive so all the school runs are down to me too.

Having said all that though, I don't think dh would have even contemplated going to a wedding and leaving a newborn behind even if it is for just one day.

Sorry, not much help!

BrandNewHouse · 02/12/2017 07:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bunbunny · 02/12/2017 07:23

I wouldn't want him to go either.

But - how realistic is his plan? What time of year is it - what's the chance of the flight being cancelled or delayed? Flying out on the morning of the wedding is v risky and could be the worst of both options - you're left alone and he misses the wedding.
Not sure I would mention this to him but just be repeated in case he suddenly decides needs to go the night before...

petalsandstars · 02/12/2017 07:38

Your DD was late, so probably your second will also be late ( mine were both late). What if you’ve not had the baby by the wedding date and he wants to go and misses the birth? What would happen to DD when you’re in labour? What if you have complications?

No way would I accept my DH going to this timeframe.

Bovneydazzlers · 02/12/2017 07:39

We’ll flights might be £50... but won’t he have to pre-book hotel, taxis, wedding gift, the amount of money you may be throwing away may go up. And that’s without the cost for the bride and groom.
He’ll just have to say no.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 02/12/2017 07:43

It really wouldn’t bother me if my DH went to the wedding, I would be planning my own night away with mates 🤔🥂🍾

Daddystepdaddy · 02/12/2017 07:48

YANBU either baby will be there or you will be imminently about to give birth. Either way he will be needed particularly as you have a toddler that needs looking after.

frumpety · 02/12/2017 07:51

Honestly it wouldn't bother me as long as the baby and I were fine post birth . I would want the house cleaning from top to bottom , the laundry all sorted and the shopping done before he left though Wink

hettie · 02/12/2017 07:55

Wouldn't have bothered me but there is no way dh would ever have done it. He's utterly baffled as to why someone would want to spend time away from their newborn and gorgeous newly expanded family. he is much more sentimental and romantic than i

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