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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to go to wedding abroad 10 days after due date

237 replies

Smarshian · 01/12/2017 21:10

So my DHs v good friend is getting married 10 days after I am due to give birth next year. The wedding is a short flight away. This will be our second baby. We have a dd who will be almost 2 by the time this baby arrives. Our DD arrived 10 days late. DH wants to book flights to go to the wedding (on his own) and plans to go if baby arrives on time.
I don't know if IABU but I'd rather he didn't book flights as I will feel under pressure to say he is fine to go even if I don't feel up to being alone over night with a newborn and toddler this early on. He thinks it makes sense to book flights while they are cheap rather than last minute but says he won't go if I'm not up to it.
He plans to fly out early on the morning of the wedding and return late afternoon the following day.
AIBU not wanting him to book flights? Obviously if the baby arrives a couple of weeks early then I will be fine (assuming no other issues) but I just don't know how I will feel yet.

OP posts:
PolarBearGoingSomewhere · 02/12/2017 07:59

He is being disgustingly unreasonable unless he will take your DD, in which case possibly a nice chance for you and baby to have some time together. Even then, it'd be on a "see how we go" basis. Probanly fairer all round just to decline.

Original poster
Smarshian · 02/12/2017 08:01

I think you're right bovney- he will need to book accommodation. He is going to call his friend today and find out when he needs to know final numbers by. Obviously if he needs to know a month before then he will just have to say no. If he needs to know a week before then he might be able to decide nearer the time.

OP posts:
Igneococcus · 02/12/2017 08:03

Could you even get a passport for the baby in that time?

Fffion · 02/12/2017 08:03

It wouldn’t bother me.

dorislessingscat · 02/12/2017 08:05

No, he's being massively unrealistic. And I'm a 'cool wife'. But I understand how his desperation to go is making him act crazy!

Igneococcus · 02/12/2017 08:05

Oh, on his own, sorry, should read properly

Pluckedpencil · 02/12/2017 08:06

It's just not important. He has his own major life event at the same time as his friend, so he doesn't go. You just say no. I needed as much certainty as possible round a very uncertain event. One of those is having the other parent there to support you whatever the situation.

lborgia · 02/12/2017 08:07

The problem here, as I see it, is that OP has to be mummy who says “actually, I don’t think it’s a good idea to go”, rather than her DH saying “you know what, it was madness to book that ticket, what was I thinking, it’s hideous here this week! I’ll call and cancel the ticket, and tell best friend”... she has been put in the invidious position of being the grown-up.

Anything where you feel as if you’re having to give permission to the other person sucks, and the idea that she has to be a certain level of feeling crap to keep him home is really depressing.

I have a LOT of this in my marriage, and it does not go well.
“I can stay home if you want me to”... well not now I don’t, off you fuck!

Slight transference there, possibly.

Are you both going to spend the last month of the pregnancy watching, waiting, on tenterhooks? At what stage will you feel you have permission to make a fuss. Also agree about farming out toddler, even for one night.

So that’s a no from me then.

Tobebythesea · 02/12/2017 08:08

YANBU. You and your family come first. He shouldn’t be even considering going.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 02/12/2017 08:12

For me it's not whether he goes or not. It's the pressure you feel to say he can go once he's booked flights etc

Every birth is different. You might feel fine. You might not. Can you talk to him and explain the pressure you feel?

its unfair of him to put this added stress on you

AmethystRaven · 02/12/2017 08:14

Would he genuinely enjoy it knowing he's left you to it? Or would he be constantly thinking about home and what's going on, in which case there's probably not much point in going.

I found it hard with two initially, I always felt pulled in two directions. Obviously that would be the night baby wakes for a feed, wakes DD up, neither will settle and you have a sleepless night thinking of your DH having a lovely sleep in a hotel! It could potentially cause resentment if you do have a tricky night. If he does go you definitely need to organise something nice for you and make it clear that's what's going to happen!

I get that he wants to go, but it's causing an issue for you and the bride and groom, is he really being fair? Also, will you be anxious about it for the rest of your pregnancy?

Pluckedpencil · 02/12/2017 08:15

I'm actually really pissed off on your behalf. He is being massively selfish. There is literally one month of his life where things need to centre round the baby, you are doing the lion's share of the work pushing the baby out, and all he has to do is be in the vicinity, and he is asking permission to go to a party instead. It's fucking ridiculous.

Bloodybridget · 02/12/2017 08:17

Ridiculous for him to even think about going when you'll either be heavily pregnant with a toddler or have a newborn and a toddler.

Quartz2208 · 02/12/2017 08:22

Reading between the lines though is he getting pressure from the bride and groom though which is really unfair - given they have a no children wedding they clearly have no idea and should not be putting pressure on him given the ages of his children

Original poster
Smarshian · 02/12/2017 08:25

I plan on breastfeeding again so I would be doing night waking with newborn anyway. Dd sleeps through so hopefully that will continue. It's more the general support during the day. I think I could probably ask my best mate to come and help out for the weekend if necessary. Don't fancy getting DM to have DD as don't want her to feel pushed out.
I think I'm maybe coming round to the idea of him booking tickets but on the basis that he's probably not going and there might be a slim chance he can (if baby comes at 38 weeks for example and everyone is well)

OP posts:
WitchesHatRim · 02/12/2017 08:26

The problem here, as I see it, is that OP has to be mummy who says “actually, I don’t think it’s a good idea to go”, rather than her DH saying “you know what, it was madness to book that ticket, what was I thinking, it’s hideous here this week! I’ll call and cancel the ticket, and tell best friend”... she has been put in the invidious position of being the grown-up.

You are projecting a bit there. It wouldn't have bothered me for him to go. It would have my DSis.

People aren't mind readers.

Original poster
Smarshian · 02/12/2017 08:27

Bride and groom definitely not putting pressure on. As I say they weren't aware we are pregnant (in fact I'm pretty sure they still don't know as announced on Facebook but they don't use it and haven't spoken to them this week)

OP posts:
GreenPurpleRed · 02/12/2017 08:28

Why do people trot out 'I'm sure you'll be fine and can cop's when of course OP probably would be fine and could cope but why should she have to?

Why are we allowing ourselves to be worn down by being so accommodating to other people? It's not just about echsustion for one night but for most of us it's an ongoing thing.

And what about accommodation? Presumably he'll have to book that soon as there'll be nothing left.

GreenPurpleRed · 02/12/2017 08:29

*Can cope

Merida83 · 02/12/2017 08:37

Wow - 10 days after due date. YANBU not at all.

Bloody hell my dd is 2 months old and I just said no to dh going away over night. He suggested it and I became a gibbering wreck at the thought, cue uncontrolled crying and panic. Not as a guilt thing - was just a genuine reaction.

So no YANBU.

Tbh the fact you are even willing to consider it at the time if you feeling up to it is impressive and very loving and caring of you.

But yeah madness to book now, ok yeah you save a few quid in theory but I'd reckon chance of him going are slim between late babies and awful toddler reactions to newborns or the fact that you will have just given birth!

ovenchips · 02/12/2017 08:43

There are just too many ifs, whats and maybes to be able to make a definite decision yet. I would postpone a decision by saying ‘Ok get the (cheap) ticket but only on strict understanding that it may not get used.’

Then much closer to time, make the final decision when you need to - depending on how things pan out. And I would certainly not let pressure of some things having already been put into place affect the decision: because you’re making the agreement now that any arrangements made to attend are strictly provisional.

I think if you do that, then circumstances will dictate what happens at the time without too much angsting for your or friction between the pair of you.

ITCouldBeWorse · 02/12/2017 08:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ferrier · 02/12/2017 08:49

Seems fine to me. Just make sure everyone knows what the deal is. Have mum at the end of a phone if necessary. Get dh to do lots of pre-prep for you. Can someone take your toddler off your hands for a day?

Bratsandtwats · 02/12/2017 08:50

He’ll be away for a day and a half, a large proportion of which he could easily be at work anyway, and he says if you’re not up to it he won’t go? I’d be fine with that.Some of the people responding to this sound like they think he’s going for a fortnight not one overnight!

This. It's only £50 which you already said you can afford to lose. He is happy to cancel if need be. I do think the bride and groom need a heads up though.

mindutopia · 02/12/2017 08:50

Absolutely not. He needs to be there to support you, whether baby has arrived or not. There's no telling what sort of complications could pop up. My dd had all sorts of weight gain issues and failure to thrive and I needed all hands on deck for several weeks (my dh took 4 weeks off, 2 of them unpaid, because I needed his help). Only a few days to a week or so after birth, you could develop a blood clot or a bleed, etc. It's a shame to miss a wedding of a good friend (we had to miss one recently, it was adults only and I was away on a work trip, so my dh couldn't even go with our dd), but send a nice card and a gift. The friends will understand.

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