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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wasn't invited to staff outing

235 replies

Dottie39 · 01/12/2017 16:46

So in September I joined an organisation/charity committee as secretary. There is a mix of paid and voluntary workers, I am voluntary.
I have worked really hard since joining, taking alot of work off paid workers bit I don't mind as it's a cause I care about.
I was with a few members yesterday helping out and nothing was said about the fact their Xmas Social was that evening, maybe because we were working?
I just saw loads of pics of them all there, on Facebook. It seems everyone was there but me and it really stings. I thought/think they like me...but maybe not. Or maybe they forgot me, but is this likely given how much I have done lately and have been around.
DH says just quit and forget it, bit I have links to the charity and I enjoy it. I just feel such an outcast... I'm either not worth remembering or I'm hated, aren't I?!

OP posts:
Jaygee61 · 04/12/2017 20:56

It’s quite possible this person just thought you couldn’t make it for some reason. I don’t think it proves you were deliberately not invited. I think you really need to ask some more questions if you want to know for sure.

CheeriosEverywhere · 04/12/2017 23:25

So I asked if Thursday night was fun and they said yeah it was great. No other comment, no mention of my absense. Then they just picked up the phone to make a call. I didn't bring it up again, don't really know what else to say

the most likely explanation is that they thought you didn't want to or couldn't go.

ChocolateWombat · 05/12/2017 07:19

Well I think it's great that you managed to ask something, even if not something that gave you a clear answer. And it's good that you're refocusing and moving on. As you say, a few days space helps you do that and the knee jerk reaction you feel you might like to show (and which lots of people suggested) doesn't seem so appropriate once the light of day throws a bit of perspective on things.

It's good that you value the work of the charity and that your experience of the people has generally been that they are nice and you get a good day-to-day experience. I expect what you do makes a real difference and is very worthwhile. That sting you feel will fade, especially if you have the positive attitude you showed yesterday, rather than fuelling it By dwelling on it or using passive aggressive tests to see whether people value you.

Sounds a bit of an unusual office set up if yesterday only you and one other were in the office - no one else was there. It could well be that offices where lots of people are not in every day, so some people rarely or never see each other (especially in some volunteers only work a few hours) find it harder to make sure everyone knows what is going on or to include everyone. It's just a possibility.

But anyway, you sound like you're moving on and probably don't need to keep looking for reasons for why this happened anyway. Have a great Christmas and I hope there are lots of fun Christmas events.

LaContessaDiPlump · 05/12/2017 07:26

op If you're in again today and working with someone else, ask if they had fun on Thursday. Then say that you didn't realise it was happening, and that you'd have gone if you'd realised. End it with a cheery 'Oh well, next year' or something so they don't feel on the spot for an answer.

This way, you clearly indicate that you weren't informed about it. That is really not on for a work social event imo, even of you're not a paid member of staff. It's plain rude, and they need to realise that is causes upset to treat people like this.

Hissy · 05/12/2017 15:41

Then they just picked up the phone to make a call.

Yup. busted

Original poster
Dottie39 · 05/12/2017 15:52

Yeah it is an unusual set up where there are people spread between two main offices, and others in community who are in and out through the day. The volunteers tend to do a few hours at a time but can do the hours as suits them so some spread it out and some do a couple of full days. We all get together every two weeks for a quick meeting and catch up.

I am not in today as have a poorly child at home. When I called in I got my manager and we had a chat about what needs doing this week etc. She seemed really overly friendly, like she is always nice but was praising my work and things, asking after kids and saying they come first, no pressure, we know you would be here if you could... It was all a bit out of character and ott. It was her that posted the pics on Facebook and when I looked today she has deleted the post. Not sure what to make of it.

OP posts:
LaContessaDiPlump · 05/12/2017 15:55

Guilt, op. It's very simple!

I retract my previous advice. A few of them will be falling over themselves to kiss your arse for a whole now, so make good use of it and ask if you can use them as references if/when you move on. They will likely write you something glowing and try to think of how they can hang on to you. Good things may come of this!

Tartyflette · 05/12/2017 16:42

There seem to be several apologists on this thread for the very uncollegiate behaviour at this charity.
BUT - It is extremely odd that no-one at all mentioned this event in the OP's presence on the day that the event was due to take place. Even in passing, just to other staff. That sounds deliberate.
And the response by the OP's colleague after the party when she asked how it went, (i.e. very brief, non-committal and with an immediate move to another task) would also concern me.
OP, you mentioned that some of your colleagues are not so friendly. Would you say the atmosphere can be a little cliquey, perhaps?
If your co-workers realise it was an oversight, (since you asked how the event went) someone, preferably senior, should mention it and apologise to you.
If no-one does, then it certainly starts to look like you were not invited, for whatever reason. And if so, if it was an above-board reason then again, someone should tell you.

It's up to you as to how you go forward of course. But does this charity seem like a well-managed, inclusive one that values its helpers and treats them fairly and well?

Straycatblue · 05/12/2017 16:51

I am not in today as have a poorly child at home. When I called in I got my manager and we had a chat about what needs doing this week etc. She seemed really overly friendly, like she is always nice but was praising my work and things, asking after kids and saying they come first, no pressure, we know you would be here if you could... It was all a bit out of character and ott. It was her that posted the pics on Facebook and when I looked today she has deleted the post. Not sure what to make of it.

It sounds like she is aware you now know about the night out and feels guilty either by omission or commission. Suspect its more likely that she hasn't deleted the post, she has probably just adjusted the privacy so that you can no longer see the photos.

Trinity66 · 05/12/2017 16:57

aww that's really crappy of them if they did it on purpose. especially when it's a bloody charity too supposedly full of caring people :/

BewareOfDragons · 05/12/2017 17:00

SHe may not have deleted the post; she may have blocked you from seeing it.

BUT it shows they realize that it doesn't look good for them that you weren't there/invited. I think you should talk to her calmly about it.

WhatCanIDoNowPlease · 05/12/2017 17:10

At first I thought it was an oversight like so many others who have posted, but now after your updates I think you were excluded.

Is there any other, different way you can help this charity? Or another similar one? Can you reveal what type of charity it is so we can give you some ideas? I don't think I could give my time and goodwill to help tbh. The charity may be excellent and close to your heart but there are so many other ways of 'giving' that won't make you feel rejected.

humblesims · 05/12/2017 17:10

I think I'd leave it now. She knows you know. You know she knows you know. She probably was the one who forgot to add you to the invite and is embarrassed (over friendly on the phone, removing FB post). If you call her out on it you will have backed her into a corner and may create more bad feeling. If you can brush it off she will probably be grateful (everyone can make a mistake). It would be great if she apologised but I dont think she will. Be the bigger person and let it go. I dont want that to sound like you are being a walkover, just put it down to experience and move on. You are doing a good thing volunteering, focus on that and I'm sure they wont forget to invite you to the next thing.

ChocolateWombat · 05/12/2017 17:42

I still dont see any evidence of this being deliberate.
I think it's possible they have realised you were missed out and feel a bit embarrassed about it.....and this is how they manage the embarrassment. That's all.

Of course, it's possible that still no one is really even aware you weren't asked - others might not have been there for all kinds of reasons, such as they couldn't make it - and people don't tend to know the reasons why every single person isn't there. It could just be that people were being very friendly today and who knows why people remove Facebook pages - it happens all the time. What I'm saying, is don't read a conspiracy into every situation. People have other things to think about than planning to exclude the Op and then carrying out elaborate cover-ups. It's not all about her.

Original poster
Dottie39 · 05/12/2017 17:55

Well as secretary I do the agendas for our team meeting. I emailed everyone last week asking for anything they want added for our Friday meeting. My boss has replied this afternoon with Christmas Drinks for Staff...
???

OP posts:
CheeriosEverywhere · 05/12/2017 18:12

Even more paranoia! How do people get through life assuming everyone is out to get them?

LadyinCement · 05/12/2017 18:16

So the evening out could have been for, say, Carol's birthday and not specifically a work thing at all?

Twickerhun · 05/12/2017 18:18

Sorry OP it’s crap. She’s trying to cover ‘it’ up

CheeriosEverywhere · 05/12/2017 18:21

Anyone else thinking OP totally got it wrong and it wasn't the work xmas social at all, just some work friends going out together?

Original poster
Dottie39 · 05/12/2017 18:25

The pictures were titled 'Festive Fun at our Work Christmas Social' so I don't think it was Carols birthday...

OP posts:
feral · 05/12/2017 18:35

When I volunteered as a counsellor I was really miffed not to be invited to the Christmas do - but to be fair it was only paid staff who got to go.

Were other volunteers there?

Original poster
Dottie39 · 05/12/2017 18:38

Yes. In the pictures everyone was there. Volunteers, management, paid workers etc.

OP posts:
feral · 05/12/2017 18:44

I work for a a charity now and there's always a separate do for the volunteers and usually us paid staff have a shared lunch after a meeting as we can never get organised in time / like to do smaller team outings.

Because the volunteer do is separate the co-ordinator is sure to invite every volunteer.

It sounds like your do was just an all in thing and somehow you got missed. It's shitty and unfair. If it's going to niggle you then could you find a role elsewhere and give this charity notice? There is no shortage of demand.

It sucks to feel as you are, hugs to you.

RiseToday · 05/12/2017 18:48

Feral - yes I'm pretty sure all of the volunteers were there except the OP.

As for your boss, she's certainly back peddling! The posters who are still suggesting it wasn't done with any malice or that it was Carols Birthday etc are probably your colleagues from the office!

ThunderboltsLightning · 05/12/2017 19:12

Something similar happened to a colleague on a work night out a few years ago. An email went round, people replied, date agreed etc. It was only the day before the event when someone asked her what she was planning to wear, that she and we all realised that she knew nothing about it. She was very upset and didn't come.

It was a genuine mistake that she had been missed off the email and we were mortified. She is a very big character in the team, so it wasn't a case of her not being part of the group or anything.