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Original poster

Wasn't invited to staff outing

235 replies

Dottie39 · 01/12/2017 16:46

So in September I joined an organisation/charity committee as secretary. There is a mix of paid and voluntary workers, I am voluntary.
I have worked really hard since joining, taking alot of work off paid workers bit I don't mind as it's a cause I care about.
I was with a few members yesterday helping out and nothing was said about the fact their Xmas Social was that evening, maybe because we were working?
I just saw loads of pics of them all there, on Facebook. It seems everyone was there but me and it really stings. I thought/think they like me...but maybe not. Or maybe they forgot me, but is this likely given how much I have done lately and have been around.
DH says just quit and forget it, bit I have links to the charity and I enjoy it. I just feel such an outcast... I'm either not worth remembering or I'm hated, aren't I?!

OP posts:
honeyravioli · 03/12/2017 12:27

You give your time for free, and they forgot you. I wouldn't be giving them any time for free henceforth

Well that is a terrible attitude to volunteering. "I won't do the charity work because I didn't get invited to the christmas do".
You should do the work because you want to contribute your time to the charity, not because of social politics in the organisation.

WeeM · 03/12/2017 13:07

It’s bad form and I’d be pissed off too. Even if it was booked months ago, it’s odd for it not be mentioned-how we getting there, what you wearing, taxis etc etc. We had someone new join our team and one of the first things we did was say we had the Xmas do booked and would see if there’s still spaces if she wanted to come.

LadyinCement · 03/12/2017 17:26

I agree, WeAllHaveWings. I can't believe they didn't mention the party when it was that evening!

I have done much volunteering over the years and felt "in" at some places and a pariah at others. I don't think people are deliberately being mean, it's just that some are wrapped up in their own group and just don't notice you. Look at all the school gate threads, which come up as regular as clockwork. Generally an OP is bothered that no one will speak to them, that there are cliques they can't break into, etc, and posters come on to say that they have friends already, they don't notice saddos standing there alone, they're too busy to talk to lost sheep blah de blah.

I have been to events/volunteered and yes, it is hurtful and embarrassing when you feel either invisible or like some rather irritating interloper, but as I become more aged I realise that it's just luck of the draw.

OP has to decide whether she is going to soldier on at this volunteering position because she values the charity, or take umbrage and move on. However, no point getting the hump if there is a valid explanation.

Perhaps a tentative remark to a employee, such as, "Your do the other night looked fun; do I have to be permanent member of staff to go next time, or is it open to volunteers too?" might be worth trying.

LadyinCement · 03/12/2017 17:29

Would also say that at ds's charity workplace, there are about ten permanent members of staff and masses of volunteers - who may work a couple of hours a week only - so the Christmas (paid for) meal is for employees only.

Perhaps if volunteers were included in OP's place's do, it was ones who had been there for years, and earned a place at the table.

SmokeintheR00m · 04/12/2017 05:16

I would feel hurt too seeing as you volunteer more than once a week. I would look to move somewhere else where you are appreciated more.

OhforfucksakeFay · 04/12/2017 05:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 04/12/2017 05:49

OP I got left out of a social event at my place of work. My place of work only has ten staff and it was the temporary manager who left me out!

I told our manager when she returned and she promptly SACKED the temp manager who was going to be taken on as a part time relief manager.

Turned out the cow of a woman saw me as a threat and tried to gloss over leaving me out to all the other staff.

I was SO embarrassed when other staff (who I don't see a lot of due to nature of work) kept asking me "Oh are you coming on Friday night?"

I was nonplussed but worked it out pretty fast.

Told my actual manager and BANG! Temp manager GONE. Her leaving me out was the tip of the iceberg apparently. There was other stuff which I hadn't known about which she'd done too.

Ha.

Imbroglio · 04/12/2017 05:57

Way to go cheap!

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 04/12/2017 06:00

Imbroglio I know...I was so vindicated! I'd felt SO down when I realised but there was nothing I could do....I almost didn't tell the manager and I'm so glad I did.

That's why OP should say something. It's always better to get these things aired.

Imbroglio · 04/12/2017 06:05

OP who manages you at work? I'd have a quiet word with them and tell them that you didn't get invited. See what happens.

If it's something you enjoy doing it would be a shame to lose that over something like this, but what happened will inevitably make you feel less connected to the group and it will affect the way you feel about being there. If there are other issues then maybe this is a good time for the charity to sort it out.

AlternativeTentacle · 04/12/2017 07:05

Well that is a terrible attitude to volunteering. "I won't do the charity work because I didn't get invited to the christmas do".

I've volunteered for about a decade, and had volunteers give their time up for a protect I've managed and never in all that time felt as the OP did. Every volunteer on our site was fed and watered every time they volunteered. When we had get together especially, every volunteer was invited. Having a Christmas do was exactly the time you gather people together to say thanks for the hard work that year.

Volunteer for people that appreciate you. Don't volunteer for people that don't. How much more simple could it get?

BananaSandwichesEveryDay · 04/12/2017 07:22

I sort of understand that if the costs are being met by an employer, there would be some sort of 'qualifying period', but I've never worked for an employer who pays (public sector employee). I can also understand that volunteers would not be included. But, op says that other volunteers were invited, so it doesn't sound as though that was the issue.
As this is a charity, I would very much hope and expect that donations would not be spent on a Christmas do, especially if it excluded some of the charities most valuable resources - the volunteers. If this were a charity I donate to, that would be a surefire way to make sure I sent my money elsewhere.

user1471558723 · 04/12/2017 07:36

Have you thought of not turning up at the charity this week?

If they contact you to find out why you were not in , then you know you are a valued member of staff. If you do not hear from them you know to offer your skills to another charity who will value you.

I am sorry you have been upset by this, I would have been too. It's great that you are volunteering to work with a charity. So much good work is done by people like you, you need a pat on the back. Well done!

Jerseysilkvelour · 04/12/2017 07:41

I think it's probably an oversight aswell, and you're making much more of it than needs to be made of it. You've had the whole weekend to stew and blow it up out of proportion in your mind. What will you do if first thing someone says to you is "oh, we missed you....."?!

Volunteer work can take so many forms, but my personal view of it is that, unless you actually have taken up a role which is like so many volunteer adverts I see where they want a six month commitment and expect you to work three full days a week, you're there because you want to give your time, not because you want to socialise. I do two lots of volunteering, one is in a school where I'm definitely beyond a "normal" parent helper, but I wouldn't expect to be invited to their xmas do even though I'm there a couple of days a week. I do it because I care about the work.

At the end of the day, work and volunteering is not for socialising, if you get a social aspect it's a bonus. There are plenty of us who dread the xmas do but go because we "have to", even though it's in our free time or we have to take our precious leave in order to attend. I think you need to get your volunteering work into perspective.

DivisionBelle · 04/12/2017 08:20

Look, if you pretend you haven’t seen it and say nothing you are setting yourself up to undermine what confidence you do have, because you will alternatively seethe and feel like a victim.

You are a volunteer, part of a team. If it was an oversight, give them the opportunity to say ‘OMG! But of course you were / should have been invited ‘ and for you then to drop your upset and resentment.

It is an upsetting situation, of course you feel sensitive about it, but if it was an oversight or your invite went missing, you are the only person who can do anything to improve your feelings by checking this.

If anyone mentions it today or this week just say “oh, that sounds fun, was I invited, because my invite might have got lost” or say to your manager “I wondered if there was a reason I wasn’t invited to the ‘social’, or perhaps I got left off the list?”

Is there a reason they might have left you off? Like it was a huge meat fest and you are a veggie, or it was a wine tasting event and you are teetotal, or don’t go in pubs, or something?

Chickenagain · 04/12/2017 08:39

I've been a volunteer and managed volunteers. There is no way I would leave one out or just forget to invite you. The fact they all kept schtum about it beforehand is strange, but maybe you are working for a group of Benedictine monks ?

If it were me, I would want to know who organised it and take it from there depending on the circumstances.

I would probably let them know just before the Christmas break that I would not be going back in the New Year as I had other commitments and as they obviously didn't need me, they drew the short straw. That may stop them treating other people who give up their time & money to help, with such casual disregard.

honeyravioli · 04/12/2017 09:36

Have you thought of not turning up at the charity this week

Anyone who flounced and refused to do the hours they have committed to a charity because of a social event should not be working for the charity in the first place.
If one of my volunteers did such passive aggressive testing I would not only tell them we had no further need of them, I would also think that people had a very good reason not to have invited them in the first place.

honeyravioli · 04/12/2017 09:38

Volunteer for people that appreciate you. Don't volunteer for people that don't. How much more simple could it get?

If you're the type that does charity work purely for the self validation then it would be that simple to you. But those are the type of people we do not want as volunteers.

LadyinCement · 04/12/2017 09:40

Also not turning up is rather cutting off one's nose to spite one's face. This job might be helpful to OP, as well as helping the charity.

It is hurtful behaviour, but the reason needs to be investigated before leaving in high dudgeon.

Butterymuffin · 04/12/2017 09:46

Ask someone or it will keep bugging you. You're not wrong to feel upset.

AlternativeTentacle · 04/12/2017 10:13

If you're the type that does charity work purely for the self validation then it would be that simple to you. But those are the type of people we do not want as volunteers.

You don't seem to get the social norms Honey. People don't volunteer for self-validation, well some do. But to invite all volunteers except one is nasty. If that's the sort of thing you do, perhaps give up the day job? I hate to think how many people in your organisation you are bullying like this if this is what you do.

honeyravioli · 04/12/2017 10:14

That wasn't the actual point. And fuck off calling people bullies for no good reason.
I hope you don't volunteer for anything Hmm

LagunaBubbles · 04/12/2017 10:17

If you're the type that does charity work purely for the self validation then it would be that simple to you. But those are the type of people we do not want as volunteers

And if you're the type that would miss a volunteer out of a social event that everyone else was invited to then you're not the type of person that I would want to volunteer for.

honeyravioli · 04/12/2017 10:18

I'm not, but don't let that stop you bitching about it Hmm

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 04/12/2017 10:22

Give over honeyravioli, it doesn't matter how worthwhile a cause is, people still need to actually enjoy the work environment they are in.