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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wasn't invited to staff outing

235 replies

Dottie39 · 01/12/2017 16:46

So in September I joined an organisation/charity committee as secretary. There is a mix of paid and voluntary workers, I am voluntary.
I have worked really hard since joining, taking alot of work off paid workers bit I don't mind as it's a cause I care about.
I was with a few members yesterday helping out and nothing was said about the fact their Xmas Social was that evening, maybe because we were working?
I just saw loads of pics of them all there, on Facebook. It seems everyone was there but me and it really stings. I thought/think they like me...but maybe not. Or maybe they forgot me, but is this likely given how much I have done lately and have been around.
DH says just quit and forget it, bit I have links to the charity and I enjoy it. I just feel such an outcast... I'm either not worth remembering or I'm hated, aren't I?!

OP posts:

oldlaundbooth · 01/12/2017 17:18

Any chance it was a last minute 'let's all go the pub because we've worked late' kind of thing?

oldlaundbooth · 01/12/2017 17:19

Was it just the paid employees, or the volunteers as well?

Panicattheschoolgate · 01/12/2017 17:19

Seems odd that no one talked about it. I hate Xmas dos and work colleagues are always talking about them the day of. If they don't talk about the event after, I would definitely say it was on purpose.

Ginslinger · 01/12/2017 17:21

I think you should raise it with the person who is responsible for 'managing' you. I wouldn't comment on the facebook pages - just say that you were surprised to see that you hadn't been invited to the event when other volunteers had been - ask why not.

LadyinCement · 01/12/2017 17:23

Were the other volunteers there, Dottie? If so, it must have been an oversight. Or is there some hierarchy of volunteers?

nibora · 01/12/2017 17:24

I'm upset for you OP, volunteers deserve more recognition than paid staff anyway. I hope you find out how this has happened, if it's deliberate I'm not sure I could carry on working there.

Original poster

Dottie39 · 01/12/2017 17:26

Yes other volunteers went.
I do hope it was an oversight, it's hard to imagine anyone being nasty.
The odd thing is, as secretary it should have fallen under my area to organise, so perhaps it was booked before I joined (would be odd for them to be so organised thou!!)
Also, it was at the pub for food and drinks, all dressed up Christmassy though. They could have added me on no problems for sure, or at least tried.

OP posts:

humblesims · 01/12/2017 17:33

It probably was an oversight but its really poor behaviour on the part of whoever organised it. You are an unpaid volunteer and the organisation should show its appreciation by being on top of stuff like that. I dont know what I would do. I would be as upset as you are. I'd want to get to the bottom of it.

MatildaTheCat · 01/12/2017 17:35

So sorry, that’s tough. I am quite sure it was an oversight. Probably everyone just assumed you were included and nobody actually realised you’d never been invited.

Don’t quit but DO have a very quiet word with whoever is in charge, even a short email asking if it was simply an oversight. Feeling sad and aggrieved will only make you feel worse and spoil the good stuff about volunteering.

brasty · 01/12/2017 17:37

This will be an oversight. Can't imagine it is deliberate.

Andylion · 01/12/2017 17:38

I was with a few members yesterday helping out and nothing was said about the fact their Xmas Social was that evening, maybe because we were working?

Do they not usually chat about this sort of thing while at work? It seems strange not to at least refer to going home and changing, needing childcare etc. I assume they didn't all leave together and go directly there as you said they were dressed up in the photos.

Viviennemary · 01/12/2017 17:39

It's hard to know what to make of this. Are you the only voluntary worker there. Or was this social event organised quite a while ago. But even so it's still a bit hurtful if you were left out and you work there. But I agree it could have been something quite simple like a list going round for people to sign and you weren't there that day so didn't sign and so didn't get included in it all.

brasty · 01/12/2017 17:39

If they were trying to hide it, they would not have posted photos. The simplest explanation is usually right, so you were left off by accident. Maybe a group email that you were not included in by mistake?

MyKingdomForBrie · 01/12/2017 17:40

Oh op that’s so hurtful I’m so sorry. You really need to find out what went on.

Mivery · 01/12/2017 17:43

Ooof, I'm sorry OP. I would be hurt too. I would think it's probably just an oversight but I know that doesn't feel any better :/

NellMangel · 01/12/2017 17:45

I'd be hurt too Dottie but I think it must be an oversight. They'd have to be a group of 100% bastards to deliberately exclude you. Really unlikely.

My workplace is terrible for pettiness and squabbles but noone gets excluded from Xmas.

Try to give them the benefit of the doubt - feckless not spiteful x

ShotsFired · 01/12/2017 17:54

Until you know otherwise, it's kinder to yourself to believe that it was ignorance before malice, @Dottie39.

Give them the benefit of the doubt until and unless they give you reason not to. You will just have to find someone to quietly ask how you missed out the invite - maybe "looks like you had a great night, when was it organised" to at least start the convo. Any reasonable person will naturally ask why you weren't there.

Original poster

Dottie39 · 01/12/2017 18:02

Can't help but feel even if it's an oversight, then I'm not that important. Like they all remember me when they want stuff doing, especially for free, but not for this... It's a knock either way really.

OP posts:

user1471531877 · 01/12/2017 18:09

I also work with a voluntary organisation with paid workers. I have no idea if they are having a Christmas do and certainly wouldn't mind one bit whether invited or not. The reason is that I too only started in September so I'm sure they don't know me well enough to dislike me also working for a charity they are generally kind and thoughtful .
I am sure there is no malice in your lack of invitation - even if they disliked you ( very doubtful) they all would have to be sociopaths to leave you out!
It's just a mistake please don't upset yourself - you will definitely be included next year

NoCanoe · 01/12/2017 18:12

How do they usually treat you on a day to day basis?
And I find it odd that no one mentioned it in the lead up to it this week. There's usually some conversation about the work party at some point.
I'd feel hurt, so definitely YNBU.

Lizzie48 · 01/12/2017 18:21

I'd definitely be hurt too in your shoes, Dottie, but it's very likely an oversight on their part, I agree with PPs who have suggested that. These things are often arranged in advance via group emails, it's very easy to miss someone off the list, especially if they're new.

You should definitely speak to someone about it. If it was deliberate, I wouldn't continue volunteering somewhere where I was so unappreciated.

MrsJayy · 01/12/2017 18:25

Just saw your update that is harsh they should have invited you.

spreadinggirth · 01/12/2017 18:41

I work with a team of 25 and our Christmas party was booked in July. I suspect it was an oversight.

ChocolateWombat · 01/12/2017 18:51

I also want to ask you how they treat you normally.

If you've never noticed anything particularly unfriendly, then it is very likely an oversight. And yes, oversights shouldn't happen, but in reality they can and do all the time, and if is was an oversight, it's really not worth stewing over and building into a big deal in your head.

Do you feel you need answers about it all or can just live with it? If you need to know what happened, you will have to raise it with someone at work. It doesn't have to be a big dramatic and hurt kind of conversation - a very light hearted comment that you saw the photos if the party and it looked fun will fine.

From this the peson might ask why you weren't there, and again I think it's important to not make a big thing of it or to be hurt, but you could simply say you didn't know anything about it.

If you feel you can ask more directly, start with the comment about it all looking lots of fun and follow up with the fact you did t know anything about it - this sounds less critical than 'I wasn't invited' - and then there will be an exp,a nation of why you didn't know;

it was organised before you started and no one thought to check the list
it was just for certain staff
there was a mistake made and you were missed off
it was an Event for a particular group of workers, not everyone.

You can also say that it looked fun and you'd be up for that kind of thing next year.

Definitely best to keep it all light hearted, because what can be achieved by seeming upset and hurt by it all. By having a conversation you can make clear you are aware it happened and you didn't know about it. In all liklihood, the person you speak to will say there has been a mistake or if they don't know what happened, mention it in passing to the organiser who will then realise a mistake was made and hopefully apologise to you.

If they tell you there was a mistake or if someone apologises, I think it's important to be gracious even if you felt hurt. These things do happen and it's not normally intended as a personal slight and it's really important not let take offence when it's not needed.

If of course you were deliberately excluded (unlikely) then that is different. If this were the case, I think you would have already got the vibe of being unpopular already in the office....and as you haven't, I think you can probably relax and not worry about being disliked. The worst that has happened is probably an oversight....yes, a bit thoughtless, but really important not to let a bit of thoughtlessness turn into a bigger deal in your mind and eat away at you.

Original poster

Dottie39 · 01/12/2017 18:54

They are friendly with me, but I do always feel slightly on the outside. This is mainly because they have such a long history of working together, but also that they are a fun and confident group and I am quieter...

OP posts:

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