Wasn't invited to staff outing

[Dottie39]

So in September I joined an organisation/charity committee as secretary. There is a mix of paid and voluntary workers, I am voluntary.
I have worked really hard since joining, taking alot of work off paid workers bit I don't mind as it's a cause I care about.
I was with a few members yesterday helping out and nothing was said about the fact their Xmas Social was that evening, maybe because we were working?
I just saw loads of pics of them all there, on Facebook. It seems everyone was there but me and it really stings. I thought/think they like me...but maybe not. Or maybe they forgot me, but is this likely given how much I have done lately and have been around.
DH says just quit and forget it, bit I have links to the charity and I enjoy it. I just feel such an outcast... I'm either not worth remembering or I'm hated, aren't I?!

Yes, charities should value volunteers and most do. However, volunteers don't have to be and shouldn't be treated exactly the same as paid employees - they are different.

It's a difficult one for charities which are strapped for cash. A paid for staff Christmas do costs a lot of money. Paid staff might work 40 hours per week, whilst volunteers might work for 3 hours a week and the employer might feel the time given by employees albeit paid for time needs different recognition. However, recognition should be given to volunteers And many organisations do give this in different ways throughout the year. My DH received our first Christmas card of the year today - from a charity that he volunteers with, delivering furniture to those who are struggling.

And to all those suggesting OP ditches the charity, I suspect they aren't people who volunteer with charities, because they are totally missing the point of why people volunteer. They do it mostly because they value the work the charity does and want to make a contribution to that work. There are also often social benefits too of spending time with people. They don't volunteer to receive lots of rewards and recognition and Christmas parties and stroking of their egos, although of course a bit of recognition is appreciated. Fortunately most of these people don't walk away over what is perceived as a minor slight or feel the organisation is hugely beholden to them because they give their time freely - they give time to the charity because they see a bigger picture beyond themselves and know it's not all about them.

But all of the other volunteers were at the Xmas party, except for the OP.

If they had all been excluded then that's one thing, but to be the only one left out, that's just horrible.

Sorry, OP. That's really crap.

If it was more than an oversight, I would think about looking for somewhere else to give my precious time.

Chocolate apart from the fact you seem to have missed that this was not a paid staff only gathering, you also seem to be woefully ignorant of the complex and varied ways in which volunteers are motivated (and yes, I volunteer and I have also managed volunteers). Volunteers tend value the work a charity does, but they mainly volunteer for more “selfish” reasons, chiefly social reasons and improving job prospects. And they way to keep them volunteering is to pay attention to the fact it has to be a pleasant experience for them where they feel there time is well spent and they are valued part of a team. Recognition and a feeling of inclusion is a huge part of that.

If this is more than an oversight they are sorry for, I recommend the OP consider volunteering elsewhere, not as some sort of tit-for-tat over the party itself but because it is an indicator that the organizations doesn’t value her and that is going to be true everyday she goes in, not just the one day they had a Christmas party.

Nail on head boomboomscousin

I'm not surprised it hurts hug. I'd like to be sure they didn't do it on purpose but I can totally understand why it stings x

I agree that there is a lot of jumping to conclusions and assumed slights. But then some MN'ers do love to fan the flames of posters and encourage to feel as bad as possible about things?

I think it's probably relevant that OP only started volunteering in September. That's a matter of weeks ago, it could easily have all been organised before she joined. There could be any number of other sensible explanations. Why assume nastiness and malice? Is it for the drama?

The OP joined in September, it's not like she started the day before!

Therefore surely that is plenty of time to include one extra person but if it really wasn't feasible, they should have had the decency to explain the situation to her.

but you don't know any of the details, OP hasn't given any, so you can't say.

Nope, I did spot that the other volunteers were there. I was simply making the point that there are times when paid staff and volunteers will be treated differently...and that is fine. For example, paid workers are more likely to be sent on expensive training than volunteers who might work a few hours a week and carry out different roles.

And yes, people love to assume the worst motives in people, even with very little or no evidence and advise extreme reactions - it's a bit of a LTB (leave the bastard) syndrome.

Mistakes and oversights happen all the time - they are a feature of life and most people are able to acknowledge that rather than take them hugely personally and need to have a knee jerk reaction and move onto a new phase of life. Bi think it must be very tiring to take offence to every little thing that happens and see nastiness where none is intended.....but hey ho, lots of people seem to want to view the world like that and give that kind of advice. The OP seems to be rather sensitive already about other people, so I'm not sure if the 'up and leave because they clearly don't value you' is really helpful....but I'm sure she will make her mind up.

If nobody mentioned this to you at all, I smell a rat. Normally people would be talking about it.

I’d be asking the person who arranged the party what email address she has for you (no mention of the party) and see if they do have the correct details.

If they do then ask why there was no invitation. Or simply resign your position, and tell them that effort goes 2 ways.

I'd be hurt, too.

I'd guess that probably everyone thought that someone else had taken the initiative to check you know about it, had been added on to the list, etc. and didn't think about it in any more detail. typical assumptions, rather than deliberate exclusion. They might even be wondering now why you didn't come, or assuming that you chose not to. Even not saying anything on the day might mean that they were aware you weren't coming, but assumed you'd been invited and couldn't come or something.

If they really did deliberately leave you out, then I'd want to leave too. Regardless, it still feels shit to feel like you've been unnoticed and forgotten about.

Thanks for all the replies. I have really given them, and the situation some thought.
So yes they definitely have the correct contact details as most of our communication is done via email.

But you are right, while there might be a couple of people who seem less friendly they are not nasty as a collective group so it's most likely to be that they are so used to doing stuff in their group they simply forgot me.
Even if it was booked ages ago they would easily have been able to add me given the location.
Yes I probably am sensitive, that's not necessarily a bad thing is it??

No, being sensitive isn't a bad thing....land in lots of ways is a great thing.

It's just worth being aware that sometimes you might be a little over-sensitive - because just being aware of it might help you not overplay things in your mind, or feel people are trying to hurt you or don't care at all about you, when these things are not quite the case.

You maybe a really sensitive person who is tuned into things like this. Perhaps you would always be aware of a new person in the office and be checking they have been included in everything and looking out for them and going out if your way to make them feel welcome and included. That's all great. But lots of people who are perfectly decent, kind people just might not be quite so sensitive or tuned in - and if you know that it's possible to still be a good, kind person and not always notice everyone around you/how they are feeling/who is included or not then you won't feel quite so bad if these kind of things happen.

It's really good to recognise that they are not nasty as a collective group. Even if a a couple if people are not mega friendly, that's something to be expected in a group of any size - so,e people just aren't especially friendly - it won't be personal. When you get these worries about last night, just keep remembering your day to day experience in the office and that as a group they have behaved decently towards you. That will help. Perhaps try to remember times when someone has been pretty friendly or kind. Some of this is about your mindset and controlling whether you allow yourself to entertain your concerns and feed them, or choose to entertain your more positive experiences and feelings. Sometimes deliberately practising the behaviour you would like others to exhibit also helps. So make sure you are being kind and considerate to all in the office. If the party is mentioned on Monday in fpgeneral conversation or in response to anything you might say, make it clear you hope they had a great time and really enjoyed it. Ask some questions to find out what was best about it etc rather than making the conversation into one about you and how you feel. Still fine to say you weren't aware it was happening or would be interested in joining in next year, but try to make the focus more on the heir experience rather than being about you......isnt that the sign of being sensitive to others, rather than just sensitive to yourself?

Hope you have a positive experience in the office next week and feel a lot better about it all. Go in with that determination to be positive - it will really help.

If I were you, I’d find a different bunch of people/cause to donate your time to.

I’m really sad for you, it is hurtful and was utterly unnecessary

they simply forgot me.

You give your time for free, and they forgot you. I wouldn't be giving them any time for free henceforth.

What, you, a person, the secretary, an oversight? Nah! Just leave and leave them all to it. 😡

You mean to tell me not ONE person at the doo said 'where's OP?' If this did happen, expect an apology next week along the lines of 'an oversight'. If not apology, then bail.

Yes, I am going to pretend I haven't seen the Facebook post and say nothing. I am hoping someone will ask where I was or apologise of something.

Sorry Chocolate Wombat, I really disagree with that approach. That is telling the group that it's fine to 'forget' Dottie, for whatever reason. It is not fine and she shouldn't have to pretend it is to stroke their sensitivities. She is there 3-4 times a week, possibly for as long as some of the paid workers and definitely as much as other volunteers, who were included. The fact that nobody mentioned it at all beforehand says to me that it was deliberate. At a push it could have been that they didn't mention it because they realised what had happened and felt embarrassed, but if so, someone should have explained to op and offered to increase the numbers for the night. I've never worked anywhere where nobody has mentioned an upcoming night out at all. Even if it's just to confirm timings, but usually there are conversations about how people are getting to the venue/home, what people are wearing, general 'I'm looking forward to a night out' type chats. Some conversations shorter than others. But never had the experience of nobody mentioning it at all, in any context.
Like other players have said, I'd be looking to offer my help elsewhere.

But Dottie, you are then giving them a kind of test.....which they are very likely to fail, not because they are mean, but simply because the party was a couple of days ago and to be honest, you and your absence from the party simply isn't the only thing in their minds. I know you wish you were more at the forefront of their minds, but the reality is that lives are busy and people have loads to think about.

If you go into the office with that mindset on Monday, it really means you want to catch them out and for them to fail. If that's the case and you aren't able to actually ask them about it in a low key way, or accept it might be a simple oversight from which you might get a quick apology but aren't going to get lots of grovelling, then perhaps it is best to move on. However, to be honest, if you feel as hurt as this and unable to address your concerns with people and feel the need to test them and see how people react to affirm your own value, I suspect you might find yourself feeling the same in the next place you move onto. It won't necessarily be a Christmas party, but there will be something else that you allow to build into a big deal and see as a sign of people not caring or respecting you. Before you decide to bail out, do consider what will be different elsewhere........and I'm absolutely not saying you are someone no one cares about or who doesn't deserve to be recognised, just that you sound like you are looking for behaviours in people to confirm your feelings that that is how people feel.

Do you spend a lot of time face to face with them? It’s difficult to believe the “office xmas do” was never discussed around you unless it was intentional. Ours is next week and there is constant chit chat about it, what people are wearing, transport, sharing taxis, food, meeting up for a drink before it etc etc (and I’m not even going!)

You're not being sensitive. You give your time to this organisation. It doesn't matter if you're quieter or haven't been around as long. You are part of the organisation and should be included. An oversight is a lame excuse. I wouldn't continue giving my time to a place that could so easily forget me.

It is ok to feel pissed off and hurt. It is equally ok to move to another organisation that values you. You aren't a paid employee who needs to turn a blind eye and get on with it, that is the beauty of being a volunteer. You are entitled to go on and give your time elsewhere where you feel appreciated. It is their loss.