Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wasn't invited to staff outing

235 replies

Dottie39 · 01/12/2017 16:46

So in September I joined an organisation/charity committee as secretary. There is a mix of paid and voluntary workers, I am voluntary.
I have worked really hard since joining, taking alot of work off paid workers bit I don't mind as it's a cause I care about.
I was with a few members yesterday helping out and nothing was said about the fact their Xmas Social was that evening, maybe because we were working?
I just saw loads of pics of them all there, on Facebook. It seems everyone was there but me and it really stings. I thought/think they like me...but maybe not. Or maybe they forgot me, but is this likely given how much I have done lately and have been around.
DH says just quit and forget it, bit I have links to the charity and I enjoy it. I just feel such an outcast... I'm either not worth remembering or I'm hated, aren't I?!

OP posts:
hesterton · 04/12/2017 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

honeyravioli · 04/12/2017 10:25

Because there has to be more to it than that. Posters are telling OP not to go in, not to do promised work, to test how much they want her.

Are you seriously saying that people should drop their commitments to a CHARITY, with no notice, because they are in a strop about an invite? Can you not see what is wrong with that?
My volunteers work with vulnerable people, do you think its ok for them to not turn up to do essential work because they are annoyed about a xmas party?

Come on now, be sensible.

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 04/12/2017 10:30

I’m sorry they have treated you like this, it’s pretty shitty of them.

If that happened to me I’d be telling them I Quit! No notice given, just go in and say, “I’m not stopping, I’m not working this shift” if they ask why tell them something has happened that has made you realise that you’re not an asset, you’re not appreciated and you suspect you’re not very liked so you’d like to give your time and effort to a more appreciative cause.

Then you won’t have to say “because you didn’t invite me” but they will work it out.

As for you being the new girl, I don’t buy that, a few years ago I started a new job and one lady was getting married, she invited me to the evening do and explained that although all the rest of my colleagues would be at the daytime, she couldn’t squeeze me in , but I was made to feel very welcome.

Your colleagues sound rude.

MyOtherProfile · 04/12/2017 10:32

Have you gone in today? I would definitely have commented on fb just to make a point and remind them to include me next time. Although I'm not sure I would let there be a next time.

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 04/12/2017 10:34

I wouldn't suggest flouncing. But at the same time, when you say things like "You should do the work because you want to contribute your time to the charity, not because of social politics in the organisation." it seems to indicate that you don't give a shit about making sure that the people who volunteer for you are happy. If that is how you do things then you're going to lose volunteers very quickly.

I know of a charity like this, and they have a very high turnover rate of both volunteers and paid staff, precisely because the people who run it think that everything should be for The Cause. Putting pressure on volunteers to do extra work otherwise they are letting someone down; taking on too many paid staff, but expecting them to accept being paid late etc etc. Ultimately, despite it being a very worthwhile thing they are trying to do, they let down the people they are trying to help. And that is the management's fault, not the volunteers.

coldteawarmcat · 04/12/2017 10:36

If that happened to me I’d be telling them I Quit! No notice given, just go in and say, “I’m not stopping, I’m not working this shift

Wow. I hope its not a charity that actually helps people. Sorry no food bank/homestart visit/soup kitchen/SN group etc assistance for you today, the volunteer got pissy that no-one invited her to the pub on saturday"

Do people actually behave like that?

whiskyowl · 04/12/2017 10:42

Awww, you poor love, this sounds hurtful. The first thing that sprang to mind was that this was a social for just the paid members of staff, but I see that other volunteers did attend so it can't be that. I think it was probably an oversight, but it was a very clumsy one and not at all OK given your generosity with your time and energy in this role.

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 04/12/2017 10:43

Do people actually behave like that?

Yes, I do behave like that. I used to be polite, but eventually I got taken for a mug once too often. Now I call the shots and life is a lot better for me. Some people like to be the victim, I don’t. I would not stand for being treated the way the OP has been treated, worthy charity or not.

coldteawarmcat · 04/12/2017 10:44

You would let down people in need that you have made promises to, because you're pissy about an invite?

Please don't volunteer anywhere, for anything.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/12/2017 10:50

PA but....
Is pretend I hadn't seen the post then later this week ask of were doing something for Xmas works do and see what reaction you get.

Of they say but we went out X just look blank and say "oh, did you? I didn't know "

Ragwort · 04/12/2017 10:54

For goodness sake, don't flounce off and let people down, I work with volunteers and whilst I am 99% confident that we wouldn't exclude someone from a social outing it might just a genuine over sight.

Surely you are grown up enough to say something like 'I was disappointed not to be included in the party, was it an oversight or have I caused anyone offence' - be assertive & polite, at the same time why not ask for an informal appraisal of your work?

Managing volunteers is not always easy, I have to manage volunteers who, quite frankly, are more hard work than actually getting on with the work we are set to do ............. but it's not easy to sack a volunteer Wink.

LadyinCement · 04/12/2017 10:56

Come back, OP!! We have to know the full story!

RaspberryOverload · 04/12/2017 10:59

honeyravioli self validation is generally only one of the reasons people volunteer, it's usually far more complex than that.

And any charity that feels that showing some appreciation to volunteers isn't necessary, because THE CAUSE is more important needs to remember that without volunteers they are nothing.

Wanting some indication that you are appreciated isn't wrong or needy.

coldteawarmcat · 04/12/2017 11:03

honeyravioli self validation is generally only one of the reasons people volunteer, it's usually far more complex than that

Wasn't that the point?

coldteawarmcat · 04/12/2017 11:05

And any charity that feels that showing some appreciation to volunteers isn't necessary, because THE CAUSE is more important needs to remember that without volunteers they are nothing

Who said any charity does or would do any such thing? this isn't about volunteers not being appreciated at all, its about ONE person.

Who probably just missed an invite and all of this moaning is about nothing at all¬!

MerryMarigold · 04/12/2017 11:08

OP, it's all gone off on a bit of a tangent here, but I would write an email to someone (also don't like confrontation). I think to let it go (and you need to let it go in order to enjoy your voluntary work), you need to do something about it. Whoever is the most senior out of the group, the manager, volunteer co-ordinator or whatever. You should say that you were a bit hurt you were not invited to the Christmas do. You assume it was an oversight, but it was still a bit isolating. Just say it. It was well out of order. You are not being at all unreasonable to feel that. And it needs to be addressed, OP. Often easier to say things online than in person I think.

MerryMarigold · 04/12/2017 11:10

...Who probably just missed an invite

I doubt this. Why do you think no one was talking about the upcoming do on the day? They forgot and then they either felt bad and so avoided talking about it, or it was deliberate, and they avoided talking about it. There's no way on the day something is happening that it wouldn't be mentioned even once.

Witchend · 04/12/2017 11:13

I'm one of the paid workers in a place where we have a large number of volunteers throughout the building. We make extensive lists for the Christmas party, check through with several people, and also issue a general invite on the notices that go out each week, and tell people if they know of anyone else to bring them/let us know. The conversation is much more likely to go along the lines of "Does X still do that?" "Not sure, I think she gave it up last March." "We'll still invite her just in case she's still doing occasional stuff."
Even so last year someone came and told us that they were most upset at not receiving an invite. We'd never actually come across her, as she volunteers for something related rather than directly, and the person who worked with her had told her she was invited, but she wasn't going to come unless she got a personal invite.

It certainly wasn't malice. And almost certainly not done on purpose in the OP's situation. probably just the lost was copied over from last year, or the person doing the list is someone who doesn't come across her.

And those who are saying deliberately not mentioned/see if they noticed you weren't there. Well, ours is a small buffet affair. Neither is it talked about particularly round the office, nor would anyone notice if someone wasn't there. We have over 80 invites and about 60 come. I might notice they weren't there. But I wouldn't necessarily ask them about it, I'd assume they had a good reason for not coming that they may not want to give me.

Op, just go into the admins office and say you didn't get an invite for the Christmas party, are you on the right mailing lists as you don't want to miss out in future. They'll probably apologise and that can be the end of it.
All the passive aggressive suggestions here will probably go totally unnoticed by everyone else and will only eat the OP up inside.

user1495451339 · 04/12/2017 11:27

I would feel like you do too. As you are not being paid it is even more important that they show you how important you are to them in the way they treat you. Sounds like it is just a mistake but I would actually have a word with the person you report to and explain how you feel. It will make them think about how they treat people in the future.

LadyinCement · 04/12/2017 11:43

The OP describes it as an "Xmas Social" which implies that it was not a formal dinner dance affair with LBDs and hairdos. If it was just a do in a pub/hall then OP could easily have been accidentally forgotten.

It would be a conspiracy of some magnitude and malice if everyone in the OP's organisation had been briefed not to let OP know about the party...

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 04/12/2017 12:04

Yes, she probably was accidentally forgotten. And it's not unreasonable of her to question whether she wants to volunteer for somewhere where she is forgotten about.

Thinkingofausername1 · 04/12/2017 12:41

I normally comment
'Did you forget my invite' if I see people on a night out that I thought were my friends!

CheeriosEverywhere · 04/12/2017 13:22

It would be a conspiracy of some magnitude and malice if everyone in the OP's organisation had been briefed not to let OP know about the party

That's not very likely, but I think some here are at that level of paranoia.

ChocolateWombat · 04/12/2017 17:37

Thank goodness for some sensible comments today on this thread, rather than all the suggestions that OP should leave or use some kind of passive aggressive test to see if anyone had noticed.

Most people think is is most likely an oversight. Busy organisations have these things happen because lots of people are involved.....It isn't a sign of nastiness, just busyness.......and to those who say it shouldn't happen.....well in the real world these things do happen. And people expect to apologise if their oversight is pointed out to them, but not to be tested with passive aggressive daft news where the offended just waits to see if anyone mentions the issue...when they are unlikely to, seeing as there was an oversight anyway. And they expect the person to just accept the apology and move on like a grown up, not to dwell on it and make it into a big deal, when it really isn't. And if that person flounced off and left because no-one spotted them looking a bit sad in the corner and magically worked out what it was all about and apologised and stroked their extremely fragile ego, then I'd say that quite possibly that workplace might be better off without that particular volunteer.

Yes, charities and places of work should look out for volunteers. Mistakes do happen however and sensible adults are able to recognise this, feel very slightly disappointed and then move on swiftly, because they have a broader perspective on life and aren't on the look-out to take offence at everything others do. When there is an issue, sensible adults also manage to raise the concern, rather than dwelling on it and dreaming up ways to test the care and concern of others around them.....that simply won't be spotted by others.....and fortunately so, because they would thing the person doing the testing was a bit loopy if they knew the thinking that was going on behind it all.

Original poster
Dottie39 · 04/12/2017 20:14

Wow thank you for all the replies. I worked this morning for a couple of hours. Was only one other person in. I asked if they had a nice weekend, they said yes and we chatted. So I asked if Thursday night was fun and they said yeah it was great. No other comment, no mention of my absense. Then they just picked up the phone to make a call. I didn't bring it up again, don't really know what else to say.

I definitely won't flounce and leave, I do this because I love it and have a connection with the charity. I do it for those we help, and for myself. The people I work alongside and nice but they are not the reason I am there.
Obviously it stings, but it's been a few days and I am refocused on my work.

OP posts: