Wasn't invited to staff outing

[Dottie39]

So in September I joined an organisation/charity committee as secretary. There is a mix of paid and voluntary workers, I am voluntary.
I have worked really hard since joining, taking alot of work off paid workers bit I don't mind as it's a cause I care about.
I was with a few members yesterday helping out and nothing was said about the fact their Xmas Social was that evening, maybe because we were working?
I just saw loads of pics of them all there, on Facebook. It seems everyone was there but me and it really stings. I thought/think they like me...but maybe not. Or maybe they forgot me, but is this likely given how much I have done lately and have been around.
DH says just quit and forget it, bit I have links to the charity and I enjoy it. I just feel such an outcast... I'm either not worth remembering or I'm hated, aren't I?!

That's horrible. I agree with your husband, even if it was pre-booked, surely they have been talking about it, why did no one mention it to you?

Looking at your last post, I think you are looking to take offence. Are you someone who often feels people don't like you or aren't treating you with enough respect?

Your view that if an oversight, they don't value you much and only want you for the free work you do is a really negative way to look at your colleagues. Don't attribute nasty motives or a lack of respect for you to a simple oversight. The reality of life is that these happen and are not usually a sign of underlying dislike or lack of respect, just that people are busy and sometimes drop the ball. You need to appreciate this becaue otherwise your view on events becomes distorted and you will see disrespect and ill will from people all over the place, where it doesn't actually exist.

Try to take come control over your thoughts about all of this.

If you need answers, then engage in the conversations mentioned above. Simply dwelling on it and festering won't do you any good at all....and I wonder if you do this a lot and reach the conclusion that people don't like you or are out to get you. Sorry if this is far off the mark, but is this kind of thing I mention something that has been an issue for you in the past and something you have had help with?

ouch

No doubt they have some rationalisation for not just saying 'hey want to come/?' that makes sense in their own heads but still, v hurtful.

I do think the fact that tyou're working for free could unsettle people who aren't permanent members of staff.

But this is any organisation that has a number of volunteers isn't it? So it's not unusual for people to be giving their time freely and in this kind of context, volunteers aren't usually seen as a threat. I'm surprised by how many people assume this was done with malice rather than as an oversight.

Op has no evidence of them being unpleasant to her before so why now? She says she feels a bit on the edge because they have known each other ages and are more confident.....these are things which are her issues, not the issues of others or reasons why they would deliberately set out to exclude her from an event if it was one for every other person, staff and volunteer in the workplace.

This is so horrible! I would be the same as you, too embarrassed to ask, bu then I would probably get really upset, gather some courage, and comment on the Facebook post “was this our works xmas outing?” And make them all feel bad 😂 but honestly, if I was volunteering my time and they forgot me for the works xmas do (and I’m betting it was just an oversight) then I would want to give my time elsewhere xx

Very thoughtless of them at best. So sorry OP, I am not at all surprised you are upset about it, I think anyone would be. Shame on them.

A Christmas night out in November was probably booked in June or July, our staff night out was booked in June for 22nd Dec so I'm guessing that it was just booked before you arrived and is just a case of Mis communication. Don't blame you for being a bit upset though, I would have been too.

That happened to me once although I wasn't a volunteer. It hurt. If you like working there I would just try and forget about it. You don't why you were left out and you probably wont so no use dwelling I think.

i Would have a quiet word with whoever is your senior point person there -the volunteer manager, the person you report to or similar. Just ask them how they see your position/role as you were surprised to find you were excluded from the holiday party.

It really isn’t unreasonable of you to be upset about it. It probably was an oversight, but it’s a very poor one and it’s not the sort of oversight a decent manager would want to have repeated because they didn’t know about it.

If you get a horrified look and a gushing apology it’s probably worth staying and just putting it behind you, if you get brushed off or some convoluted explanation about how it’s been booked for ages or such and such volunteers were only invited because of x, or the like you can reconsider your commitment.

don't know that should say

Don't get all arsey with them. It won't achieve anything positive.

If it's an oversight which is highly likely, it's fine to feel a bit disappointed, but to let this become a big thing in your mind or to decide not to volunteer would really be cutting your nose off to spite your face.

Volunteering can often be a bit tricky when there are also paid staff. Sometimes volunteers are not there very much, so feel a bit out of things and sometimes volunteers can't be involved in the high level stuff so can feel out of things and sometimes volunteers in some ways can create as much work as they produce. The thing that makes a great volunteer is that they are there to help and to give and although they obviously hope to gain from the experience too (might be social contact, or experience or all kinds of different things) but also that they are generous in that they want to help out and give freely of their time.
Fortunately, volunteers are often generous spirited and see the bigger purpose in the place they volunteer in - they believe I. What the organisation is trying to achieve - so even when faced with a little unintended sought, can still see the bigger picture and not feel they have to stomp off in a huff.

Yes, even volunteers can be taken advantage of or treated so badly that the point comes when they walk away....but this incident described really doesn't come into that category and warrant the suggestion that the OP should just walk.....and someone who needs loads of boosting all the time to the point that they are always on the verge of walking over minor little things, to be honest sounds like an awful lot of hard work to me. I'm sure the OP isn't like that.

That is shit, can you causually drop it in, or just don't pick up the slack for them anymore.

Chocolate Wombat, do you work for the charity that excluded the OP on the Christmas night out? I think you are being pretty insensitive to the OP and rather unkind. Dottie, I think the best thing to do would be to mention to your colleagues in a friendly way that you'd seen the Facebook pictures and that it looked like a good night out and that you wished you'd been there. Then gauge their reaction, and decide whether to stay or go.

Don't use the word 'excluded' when asking about it. You don't know you were excluded - you probably weren't.

Simply say you weren't aware of the event. This sounds far less critical and you are more likely to get some honest info about what happened rather than launching in in a way which makes people immediate defensive.

I'm not trying to be insensitive, simply balanced.

I can see it isn't nice to find out everyone else has been out and had a good time at something you didn't know about. However, it is making too big a leap to decide that this means you were excluded or are not valued. This is often the case, when people feel there has been a slight....they can be overly sensitive to it and allow it to become a big deal,nwhich doesn't do them any favours.

I don't think it looks like an over sight on their part as they would have mentioned it in front of you, making arrangements, surely? It's as though they have kept it secretive on purpose. It's upsetting but you can either ask them why they left you out or say nothing. It depends how much it's going to eat away at you, wondering why.

i agree with chocolatewombat. it IS hurtful, but try not to make it into a big thing. personally i wouldn't say anything and you might find out what happened anyway. it could be a genuine silly mistake and they all ask you where you were. it's hard to judge on just this. if you generally have a good time there and feel valued apart from this, try to put it behind you.

if it's an indication of how they treat you in general, then i'd be rethinking how i spend my time.

OP i think responsibility lies fairly and squarely at the door of managment. our staff do was booked in august. i joined in the october. was added to the list and included.
Thoughtless conduct in my opinion and would definintely sour my view of the organisation (or at the very least, colleagues)

Some charities i know organise nights out for just the Volunteers - perhaps that would be something you could consider arrranging? Or maybe that's nuts.

Either way, i get why it stings. x

I'd be very upset op and I know it's embarrassing but I think you need to say something or it will drive you mad.
If there's a particular person you get on well with then I'd just mention something outright, no games or anything but politely.
'I was a bit upset not to have been invited to the Christmas night out when it looked like everyone was there except me, do you know what happened?' Or if there's no one in particular you speak to you could always comment on a picture saying you'd have loved to have come, my invitation must have been lost in the post tinkly laugh.

You need to find a way of asking otherwise it'll fester away. I think you just have to say outright that you felt a bit sad not to have known that the team were partying and could you just check that it's not because you have offended anyone...

How can you tell it is a work Christmas party? (Rather than someone's birthday or a meet-up with a former member of staff or similar?)

Very mean - but most places I've worked have had rules that only permanent staff on the payroll can go to work functions. Which has been really unfair to longterm temps and freelancers. But that's the line they draw.

I'd be very surprised if it was personal. Never been to a work Christmas party where you've been allowed to uninvite or leave out even the most knobby of knobheads.

I feel for you, OP, that's really harsh.

How about posting something on Facebook that says "Looks like so much fun! Can I come next year?". Then at least they know you've seen it and it should prompt someone to reply or say something.

Then maybe just a passing comment to someone at work "Looks like everyone had fun at the Christmas do. Who organised all that?" - again, should at least prompt a conversation. You could also add "Was it organised a while ago?". Nothing aggressive, very friendly, but just let them know that you know - and see how they react. You should be able to gauge from that if it was deliberate or not...

I’d be a little p’d off if I’m honest. I have organised many office parties in my time and always ensure everyone is included, cleaners, kitchen staff and security! An office of 20 is no excuse to forget someone, I’m sorry but I’d have to ask why you were not included. If it’s because you are voluntary member of staff they clearly don’t value you enough and you’d be better walking away. If it’s a genuine mess up I’d expect an apology. You’ve given your time for free and this is how they treat you.. awful, I’m so sorry.