Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Wasn't invited to staff outing

235 replies

Dottie39 · 01/12/2017 16:46

So in September I joined an organisation/charity committee as secretary. There is a mix of paid and voluntary workers, I am voluntary.
I have worked really hard since joining, taking alot of work off paid workers bit I don't mind as it's a cause I care about.
I was with a few members yesterday helping out and nothing was said about the fact their Xmas Social was that evening, maybe because we were working?
I just saw loads of pics of them all there, on Facebook. It seems everyone was there but me and it really stings. I thought/think they like me...but maybe not. Or maybe they forgot me, but is this likely given how much I have done lately and have been around.
DH says just quit and forget it, bit I have links to the charity and I enjoy it. I just feel such an outcast... I'm either not worth remembering or I'm hated, aren't I?!

OP posts:
QueenDaisy · 01/12/2017 20:08

That's not nice, I don't think it was an oversight, for some reason they didn't invite you. If I was you I'd leave & find another Charity to volunteer for or find another branch of the Charity you currently volunteer for, if there is one Flowers

BananaSandwichesEveryDay · 01/12/2017 20:12

I think it's really mean of them, especially if, as you say, it was basically just a pub night out, so no real problem to have one extra.

As for those saying that you only started in September, so shouldn't expect to be included - I once started a new job on 12th December. Their Christmas meal was at the end of the same week and they'd contacted the restaurant to add me to the booking as soon as they knew I would be starting work. They'd even paid my deposit for me. I certainly didn't expect to be included at that late stage, but I really appreciated the gesture. You started at least two months ago. I find it hard to believe that within that time frame, not one of them could find the time or opportunity to mention it to you.

Dottie39 · 01/12/2017 20:14

It's good to hear most of you don't think I am being silly or oversensitive. Thank you.

OP posts:
Phalenopsisgirl · 01/12/2017 20:15

I’d ask but by saying something, like, ‘ I realised it was the Christmas do the other night, i’m So sorry I didn’t come I didn’t realise it was happening, Was anyone out of pocket because I missed the communication about it?’

RagingFemininist · 01/12/2017 20:19

Yep I think it’s mean.
I would also tell them and ask what has happened that you weren’t invited.
Depending in the answer and HOW they answer, I would stop the volunteering job.
You are there several Times a week, since September. You’ve given a lot of effort and time. If this is not appreciated, I’m nit user why you would carry in. It doesn’t matter if they’ve been together for a long time. Etc
It does matter thatbthey dont recognise your contribution.

LadyinCement · 01/12/2017 20:39

OP,can you tell us how many other volunteers there are and if anyone else was missing? Ds works for a charity and they have an employees Christmas meal and a volunteers drinks party.

SpentTheDayInBed · 01/12/2017 20:47

I haven't read the post in full, but you are definitel NBU. We workplace has had a pretty high turnover of staff in the last couple of months and we have made sure that all newcomers are invited to Christmas lunches etc.

Bluntness100 · 01/12/2017 20:54

Honestly this would have been booked before sept. I suspect no one thought about it or realised you weren’t on the invite list. It’s one of those things once booked it’s easy not to think about again. I suspect they realised their error at the event and are now embarrassed.

I really can’t see they would invite every One inc other volunteers and not you, I really can’t, as such, I really do think it was booked before you join, poss even an annual thing and they forgot to revisit the invite list since it was booked and confirmed.💐

RaspberryOverload · 01/12/2017 20:58

sizeofalentil Fri 01-Dec-17 19:53:00

Very mean - but most places I've worked have had rules that only permanent staff on the payroll can go to work functions. Which has been really unfair to longterm temps and freelancers. But that's the line they draw.

OP says other volunteers were on the FB posts as being there.

And this does seem odd to me. I've never been in an office where the Xmas do wasn't discussed in advance and mentioned in chat often. We've had someone start last week, and the do is next week, this person was asked and has already been added to the list.

OP began in September, plenty of time to be added. I'm not convinced it's an oversight.

Howsthings1234 · 01/12/2017 21:49

You should definitely say something!! That's so rude. Hope you are ok and I totally get why you are upset. It must be an oversight and they will be mortified when they realise.

mummymummums · 01/12/2017 22:08

I'd feel very upset by this, and it's difficult to think of a viable excuse for how it happened.
I think I'd have to say something like: The office Xmas do looked fun, was it for everyone? I'd have loved to have been there. Who organised it?
Depending on the answer I may well leave. Is there another charity that has a similar purpose, or another way you could help at grass roots?
If there's not a good excuse for what's happened, I'd fear that remaining at this place won't do you any good and there will be other knocks.

Lindy2 · 01/12/2017 22:18

How hurtful. I'd be upset too. Even if it was just a mistake it's still not nice that no one checked you were invited.
You sound lovely giving so much time for free.
It depends on how much you love what you do but I think I'd be a bit less giving with my time and help until there was at least some proof that you and your efforts are appreciated. Perhaps miss te next few days and do something nice for yourself. See if anyone contacts you to check you are ok.

goose1964 · 01/12/2017 22:34

Something similar happened at a colleague's hen do. They didn't realise until the day that I hadn't been invited as I was off the day sir invited everyone

ChocolateWombat · 02/12/2017 09:59

So here's a question to all those who think the workplace have been mean to the OP - is every little oversight or thoughtless act in life a sign of people being deliberately mean?

I just think life and people's motives in life are a bit less black and white. Often things happen for a variety of reasons and not just because people set out to be 'good' or 'bad' and a problem arises when people interpret everything in light of people either being for or against them.....when in actual fact, quite often the things that had nothing to do with anyone having any thoughts about you,either positive or negative. It's actually quite egotistical to imagine that very thing that happens is because people are dedicating lots of thought to you and could even be bothered to dream up ways to be mean.

And in this instance, the problem is likely to be simply that people did t think enough. I sure the office didn't sit down when drawing up the list and say 'we don't like X.....lets invite every single other person and not her' - to imagine something like this is daft.

Probably someone organised it months ago before OP was there. Yes, as time has passed and the event got closer, no-ome thought to say 'and what about X - she's not on the list or has joined since we planned this' simply because they are busy and lots of our things filled their heads, or because everyone simply assumed someone else would have thought of it. It's not mean behaviour, but very usual behaviour in a largeish office, which if a little thoughtless, couldn't be said to be worse than this.

Perhaps I'm a bit more thick skinned than OP, but if this happened to me I'd just think 'oh shame, but I can see how that happened' and I would say something lightheartedly about it, absolutely expecting it to turn out to be an oversight not an exclusion. Of course,mid it did turn out to be a deliberate exclusion, I would be shocked.....but to be honest, apart from groups of early teenage girls, I've never known adults in a mature workplace to invite absolutely all workers and volunteers to a do and then to deliberately exclude just one person - which is why I think it's unlikely.

OP though has a bit of a sneaking suspicion that this is what happened, or that the fact she was overlooked means she isn't cared about enough. If you are feeling a bit sensitive or your self esteem isn't at its peak, I can see his might be an immediate feeling, but I hope that lots of really sensible posts on this thread (alongside the ones that feed the OPs anxieties that people were mean to her) make her realise it's very likely not to be personal and she's overthinking it, and that she probably ought to raise the party with someone for her own peace of mind, if this is goi g to niggle her.

Again, not good to approach from sounding hurt or angry or using the word excluded. Much more useful to just observe lightly that you know the party happened and simply wasn't aware of it 'did I miss an email?' type comment. And whatever info is then given, a cheery 'it looked fun, hopefully I'll be able to join you all next year' is a good reply.

Of course might turn out it was a smaller group or individuals who organised something and not a big official do for everyone - not always easy to tell on Facebook....and it won't be the first time seeing pics on Facebook has made someone feel they have been excluded.

ChocolateWombat · 02/12/2017 10:07

Lindy, but if OP does what you say and misses a few days to see if anyone has noticed and shown care and concern - ie tests them to measure their level of care for her - then I think she is bound to be disappointed.

Someone who does this, with the motives you suggest is indicating they are suspicious and distrustful of their colleagues and is quite simply just looking for evidence to back this up. It is highly likely that people would notice OP wasn't there,mbut no-one would do anything about it because of their busyness and because they have lots of other things to consider in life and not just OP....but having gone into the 'test', the OP would then see the outcome as confirmation that the people don't care and therefore excluded her from the party. Doing this kind of thing shows a mindset where people are sure people are against them and spend their time looking for evidence of it and so always manage to find it and confirm what they perceive to be true.

I don't think these colleagues were probably mean. If however OP is having a real problem in feeling accepted there or is resenting giving her time (and volunteering does need to be done cheerfully and not resentfully in my view) then perhaps she should consider leaving.....but in my view, this would hurt her more than the organisation that some people suggest needs 'teaching a lesson' by OP leaving.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 02/12/2017 10:26

I just wanted to add to this by saying it would hurt me too, so I feel for you Dottie. Good suggestions and interesting thoughts on this thread. I hope you do feel able to take up some of the suggestions, but for right now, I just wanted to empathise about the fact you're feeling hurt and say I would feel the same.

Jaygee61 · 02/12/2017 10:44

I would feel very hurt too, but I do think it’s more likely cock up than conspiracy. Perhaps everybody assumed someone else would make sure you knew about the event and then nobody did. Perhaps say something like “looks like you all had a great time, I’d love to come along next time you have a night out”.

RiseToday · 02/12/2017 10:45

An oversight is no excuse! Someone should have realised you were not on the list.

Is it a big organisation? If it's a small charity then that makes it even worse! Also the fact that you knew nothing about the event until the pictures appeared on FB would suggest that they were keeping it quiet.

Either way, they are nasty pricks. I'm sorry OP. I would have serious reservations about working there after this.

fuzzyduck1 · 02/12/2017 10:51

That stinks. My team didn’t get invited to our office Christmas party. Thought our boss was arranging something for our team but it seams not. At least I’m not alone the office must Hate our whole team

RiseToday · 02/12/2017 10:54

Also to add, I started a job in November. I was invited to the Xmas party! I'm slightly confused by people saying Xmas parties get booked up several months in advance, really? If it's a big event then perhaps, but the vast majority of Ines I have attended have just been a meal in a pub/restaurant. Certainly not booked 6 months in advance!

Spartasprout · 02/12/2017 10:55

Our local hospice is two tier just like this. Paid staff have a lovely night out, volunteers get a box of chocolates to share between them. My friend said in her shop there are 36 volunteers but only 22 chocs in the box.

RiseToday · 02/12/2017 10:59

Bloody hell sprout - that's unbelievable!

This kind of thing really gets to me though, I hate the thought of people being excluded. It's awful.

brasty · 02/12/2017 11:00

The thing is, as a paid staff member, having a xmas do that includes volunteers, can still feel like being at work. You still have to make sure the volunteers are all okay.
But there should be something for volunteers.

annawoolfworries · 02/12/2017 11:01

A good charity should value its volunteers more then paid staff when it comes to things like this. Raise it with the volunteer coordinator & see if you get a satisfactory answer. If not give your energy & skills to somewhere more appreciative

Ilovechocolatetoomuch · 02/12/2017 11:05

Our Christmas do is booked and paid for in June. It is probably something simple like that.
I would say something, I'm sure they didn't not invite you on purpose.