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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Party guest showed up early...

465 replies

Fizz190 · 01/12/2017 08:32

Hi all, first post here but I'm looking for some objective opinions!

I recently hosted a party for a group of 8 mum friends and their babies. We've only known each other for a few months and it's the first time I've done anything like this so I put myself under a lot of pressure. I spent a lot of time cleaning and tidying the house the day before, and baked a cake and some brownies. The morning of the party I had planned to vacuum and do a few last minute bits and pieces around the house as well as baking some scones. Everything went wrong though as I had a power cut and had no electricity and no hot water for 6 hours so I had to rush around doing everything at the last minute (whilst entertaining my 6 month old baby) . I ended up getting ready for a shower half an hour before people arrived - I was in a total panic by this stage. At this point I got a message from one of the mums saying she was outside my house - half an hour early. I don't know her well enough to be comfortable to answer the door in a towel so I sent her a message apologising that I was just getting in the shower and I'd be 10 mins max. She said she'd go for a walk.

When she arrived back I apologised again, explained I'd had a nightmare with the power cut and all seemed fine. After the party she messaged to say thanks and I immediately took the opportunity to apologise again. She replied saying how hard it had been for her to have to stay out in the cold as her little boy is ill. I'd completely forgotten he was poorly (my bad) so apologised again and said I hoped he was OK. She accepted my apology and I thought that was the end of it.

The next night my husband received a message from her husband expressing how upset he was at how I'd treated his wife and child. My husband and I were both baffled by this. He sent a quick apology and I then messaged them both with a very long apology acknowledging that I should have remembered that the baby was ill and that I really hadn't intended to upset anyone. I made no excuses at all and said I'd hope they'd both forgive me. The husband replied saying that his wife had forgiven me but that he had "no words" and that he'd "calm down in time".

I feel that this has been blown way out of proportion and I've gone from feeling bad about upsetting them to feeling quite angry that he hasn't accepted my apology.

I'd really genuinely value people's thoughts either way. Am I in the wrong here?

For context the baby has been to the doctor and it's been confirmed that it's probably just a cold but that he does have a bit if mucus on his chest which might need antibiotics.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 01/12/2017 09:28

No way AYBU! I can't believe their reaction and follow-up!
How about sending a text reading "Thanks for bringing your ill baby into my house. We can't wait to enjoy this year's winter virus! The gift that keeps on giving!"

Give this family the swerve, OP. Take it from an old mum who's earned her stripes the hard way.
Spot on angstinabaggyjumper

Kintan · 01/12/2017 09:29

I think your biggest mistake was answering her text before you got in the shower, that means it looks like (to her crazy husband) that you were available but chose not to let them in early - and he has then chosen to misinterpret your actions as a slight to his wife. At least you know that this couple are high maintenance and you can distance yourself from them within the group. I would definitely put your side over to the group members you feel closest too - that man sounds like a trouble maker!

fucksakefay · 01/12/2017 09:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sweetpotatoaddict · 01/12/2017 09:31

The whole thing has been blown out of proportion. She shouldn't have brought such an unwell baby. She should have dropped into a cafe and waited out the half hour. I wouldn't exclude her op, her husband sounds like a horrible domineering man and possibly she needs support although she should have had enough common sense to predict his reaction if this is the case.
I would chalk it up to one of those things, quietly make sure that you are invited to the next event. The older I'm getting the more I get boggled by how humans react to situations.
Don't offer another apology again, and hopefully none of the other babies get ill from her generous germ spreading.

fucksakefay · 01/12/2017 09:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Caprinihahahaha · 01/12/2017 09:32

The idea of leaving a friend and her baby on my doorstep in yesterday's weather is giving me the vapours

WhatwouldOliviaPopedo · 01/12/2017 09:33

Her husband sounds like a bully. If my DP messaged another man to complain about something his wife to me had done I'd go nuts. We're grown women, we can sort it out! I suspect he lords it over her a lot.

I'm in the turning-up-early-is-rude-camp and you have apologised way and above what you needed to. Besides, who the heck brings a sick baby to a party with other babies? That's irresponsible. Actually, thinking about it, I wonder if it was the husband who insisted they go to the party regardless of how ill his child was.

PrincessScarlett · 01/12/2017 09:33

It was freezing cold yesterday. I can understand them being pissed that mum was told to wait in the cold with baby. Doesn't really bode well for a good friendship. I would have let her in, it would have been the kind and hospitable thing to do even though it's annoying she turned up early.

You shouldn't have apologised so many times though and husband completely overreacted by getting involved.

BlondeB83 · 01/12/2017 09:36

The reaction from the husband in particular was OTT but I would have just let her in and sat her down somewhere while you finished getting ready.

Lizzie48 · 01/12/2017 09:39

Totally infantilising behaviour on the part of the husband, actually complaining to your DH about it, as if the poor helpless women needed the men to sort it out. I'd be so mad at my DH if he behaved like this, I'd feel embarrassed to show my face. Shock

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 01/12/2017 09:40

I would normally let someone in, but both of them sound like massive twats anyway. Ignore and don't invite again.

Panting · 01/12/2017 09:40

Totally bonkers that she brought a sick baby to a gathering of babies. OTOH it wasn’t great to leave them in the cold. Think you’re both being a bit unreasonable. Husband is nuts though.

Notonthestairs · 01/12/2017 09:41

If you turn up early you go and occupy yourself in a shop or cafe. She knows the area and could of taken herself off somewhere. I also don't understand if their baby was so ill why she came at all.
Totally OTT reaction on their part. And the husband is a nutter and worth avoiding. Stop apologising.

RiotAndAlarum · 01/12/2017 09:41

Also, you could have caught a nasty cold, yourself, by answering the door in just a towel, still warm from a not-yet-finished shower. She and the baby were both dressed for the outside journey. Let's remember that the communication about being early didn't take place in person, but remotely. No door was slammed in their faces, FFS.

Discotits · 01/12/2017 09:41

I suppose the thing is, it was rude to turn up early, but then If a guest does I think you should ask them in.
However, there’s no way her partner should be having a go. I would nt hang out with her again.

Caprinihahahaha · 01/12/2017 09:44

Lol at catching a nasty cold answering the door Grin

Sunshineandeggshells · 01/12/2017 09:45

It is rude to turn up early but these things happen and it's much ruder to leave them out in the cold!

BeeFace · 01/12/2017 09:46

Ahahahahaha they can fuck right off!

She brought her child out, her child who she says is ill! If the child is so ill it should have stayed at home! They’re twats OP. Hope the cake was nice.

tinysparklyshoes · 01/12/2017 09:46

Also, you could have caught a nasty cold, yourself, by answering the door in just a towel, still warm from a not-yet-finished shower

No you couldn't.

kaytee87 · 01/12/2017 09:46

Also, you could have caught a nasty cold, yourself, by answering the door in just a towel, still warm from a not-yet-finished shower.

That's really not how you catch colds. Also op hadn't yet been in the shower when the guest turned up.

CoraPirbright · 01/12/2017 09:47

Being early is just as rude as being late! She is an adult and perfectly capable of getting places on time - I bet the other mums arrived in a timely fashion?! And why on earth was she bringing a sick baby out a) in the freezing cold and b) to a party where other babies will be? Doubt the other mums are thrilled at the prospect of the run up to Christmas with a grizzly, coldy, miserable baby - thanks a bunch for spreading that around!! It’s only a friendship of a few months and this dick of a husband is already throwing his weight around! You have apologised profusely and sincerely - it is incredibly ungracious of him to make such a song and dance about it. I feel a bit sorry for his wife - if this is the way he behaves I bet they struggle to make friends. Honestly? I would cut her loose - too much hassle.

makemineatriple · 01/12/2017 09:48

I get really anxious about hosting things at my house and the scenario you describe with the power cut and the early guest would be my worst nightmare! I would have done exactly the same as you OP.

And if I had been the guest arriving 30 mins early I would have found somewhere warm and waited til 10 mins before at the very earliest before arriving. And I still would have felt bad about being early!

Their reaction is really, really rude. If you're in London then surely there's a coffee shop in walking distance that she could have waited in? Surely that's what most people would do.

Her husband messaging your husband is totally out of order. I'd mention this to her if I were you, in a 'that was a bit odd' type way.

Plus the baby had a cold. FGS it's just a cold.

Original poster
Fizz190 · 01/12/2017 09:49

She definitely knew she was early - she acknowledged it herself.

I was clear that I was undressed and about to get in the shower.

I couldn't ignore the message as she would have seen I was online on whatsapp!

I agree I should have just let them in!

OP posts:
ZoeWashburne · 01/12/2017 09:49

My vote is that the husband doesn't know she showed up early and possibly neither does she.

I'd reply to both of them "I think there was a massive miscommunication here. I am not sure if you are aware, but you showed up 30 minutes early to the party. If you check your emails, the party started at 3. When you came over up half an hour early at 2:30, I was in a towel just about to get in the shower. I apologise that you had to wait for me to put on some clothes, but I was not ready to have people over before the 3 start time that was clearly communicated. I let you in at 2:40 (20 minutes before the party start). I understand having a baby out in the cold is not ideal when they are poorly. However, some of this responsibility must lie with you as well. When you show up early, it cannot be expected that I can accommodate you right away. There could have been a good chance I had run to the shops to pick up something last minute. Or I could have been fully in the shower and not heard my phone. Whilst it is unfortunate you had to wait for 10 minutes, surely this is just an unfortunate miscommunication. Also, in the future, if your baby is ill, please do not bring them to a baby group as germs spread really fast between babies." Then I would promptly lose this woman's phone number.

If she is taking public transport in London, there is usually at least a starbucks or a pret near most tube stations. Sometimes the tube/busses allign and you get somewhere very fast. That is time to duck into a library, bookshop or coffee shop to kill some time.

Thetreesareallgone · 01/12/2017 09:50

I don't get the attitude she shouldn't have brought the baby.

Usually when people ask, they are told babies and toddlers get colds all the time, they would never go anywhere if they didn't go places with colds and coughs and that you just carry on with their noses dripping (have seen some of these kids, ugh).

The baby probably just had a sniffle, but it was bloody cold yesterday, so it would have been kinder to let them in the house.

The 'rules' for socializing in the UK appear very complex. You shouldn't be early, should sit in a cafe if you are, but under no circumstances should you be late, because that's very rude and it's like saying your time is more important than theirs, so there's a 10 min window in which you are allowed to press the doorbell even when traveling by unpredictable transport with a tiny baby with a sniffle.

Complicated, and not fun basically. Wouldn't it be nicer to be a bit more relaxed about all this stuff? And be pleased to see people if they actually bother to travel on a cold day and turn up.