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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Party guest showed up early...

465 replies

Fizz190 · 01/12/2017 08:32

Hi all, first post here but I'm looking for some objective opinions!

I recently hosted a party for a group of 8 mum friends and their babies. We've only known each other for a few months and it's the first time I've done anything like this so I put myself under a lot of pressure. I spent a lot of time cleaning and tidying the house the day before, and baked a cake and some brownies. The morning of the party I had planned to vacuum and do a few last minute bits and pieces around the house as well as baking some scones. Everything went wrong though as I had a power cut and had no electricity and no hot water for 6 hours so I had to rush around doing everything at the last minute (whilst entertaining my 6 month old baby) . I ended up getting ready for a shower half an hour before people arrived - I was in a total panic by this stage. At this point I got a message from one of the mums saying she was outside my house - half an hour early. I don't know her well enough to be comfortable to answer the door in a towel so I sent her a message apologising that I was just getting in the shower and I'd be 10 mins max. She said she'd go for a walk.

When she arrived back I apologised again, explained I'd had a nightmare with the power cut and all seemed fine. After the party she messaged to say thanks and I immediately took the opportunity to apologise again. She replied saying how hard it had been for her to have to stay out in the cold as her little boy is ill. I'd completely forgotten he was poorly (my bad) so apologised again and said I hoped he was OK. She accepted my apology and I thought that was the end of it.

The next night my husband received a message from her husband expressing how upset he was at how I'd treated his wife and child. My husband and I were both baffled by this. He sent a quick apology and I then messaged them both with a very long apology acknowledging that I should have remembered that the baby was ill and that I really hadn't intended to upset anyone. I made no excuses at all and said I'd hope they'd both forgive me. The husband replied saying that his wife had forgiven me but that he had "no words" and that he'd "calm down in time".

I feel that this has been blown way out of proportion and I've gone from feeling bad about upsetting them to feeling quite angry that he hasn't accepted my apology.

I'd really genuinely value people's thoughts either way. Am I in the wrong here?

For context the baby has been to the doctor and it's been confirmed that it's probably just a cold but that he does have a bit if mucus on his chest which might need antibiotics.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
TroubledTribble28 · 01/12/2017 08:53

What a pair of utter nutbags. Have a brew and laugh the experience off op

ptumbi · 01/12/2017 08:54

FGS - you apologised how many times? Hmm For her bringing her baby out in the cold (prob good for it!) for her being early, and for her not being able to come in and sit in your sitting room on her own for 30 minutes?

Fuck that. You don't know her well, no way would I let some unknown in 30 minutes early to sit alone downstairs. OR (according to some PP) look after your baby! Hmm

Her fault, start to finish.

And as for husband being so angry and 'calming down in time'? WTF has it got to do with him?

BitOutOfPractice · 01/12/2017 08:54

Lonicera I think it's really rude.* Worse than being 10 minutes late. Five minutes early I could accept, half an hour? Rude.*

SemperTemper · 01/12/2017 08:55

Stop apologising. You've apologised too much. They sound like a pair of idiots.

tampinfuminragin · 01/12/2017 08:55

They sound a bit odd.

If her child was that ill then why was she coming to your party?

I don't understand why they're making such a big deal out of it. You were in the shower and she showed up early so she had to wait.

She would have had to have waited for bus/taxi/train anyway.

LoniceraJaponica · 01/12/2017 08:56

"Of course it's rude. How isn't it rude?"

It's better than being late. I live in an area with poor public transport so am used to people's arrivals being dictated by the bus/train times rather than the time I suggest. Also, I just can't get worked up about someone being early. If I am not ready it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

Reflecting back on this thread I think the husband went OTT, but I think it was rude to make someone wait outside in the cold.

Sensimilla · 01/12/2017 08:58

Are they part of your 'group'? If it wouldn't make things awkward, I would message to tell them not to contact you again

Garlicansapphire · 01/12/2017 08:58

Bless you OP. You seemed a bit over anxious about the party and going to town on things. Dont put yourself under such pressure just for a Mums and babies thing.

I would have let her in and left her child minding but I probably wouldn't have been rushing to have a shower just before people came. Their reaction is batshit crazy and so so precious. The baby had a cold not leukaemia! I know people get ever so frantic about babies but thats bonkers. (I'm presuming they are first time parents...)

tinysparklyshoes · 01/12/2017 08:59

No its not better than being late at all, its much worse. If you're late all I have to do is sit and wait, showered and vaccuumed etc. I can drink tea and eat the cake i got for you. If you're early you mess me around far more, I can't do my last minute jobs or shower in peace etc.

Late is always better than early to someones house.

Iloveacurry · 01/12/2017 08:59

They definitely overreacted. Also if her baby was ill, perhaps she should of stayed at home! Her husband was out of order to text.

WomblingThree · 01/12/2017 08:59

I think you need to calm down a bit. The endless rushing around, the cleaning, the panic over a power cut, the multiple apologies; to me it sounds like you were over anxious about this. No-one with a baby would expect your house to be perfect or piles of home baking. Most people would have been totally unsurprised if you had answer the door in a towel holding a baby covered in sick (they always know just when to do it). In future, just let people in even if they are early. They honestly won’t judge you, and if they do they aren’t the sort of people you want as friends. If that had been me, I would have helped you with the baby or put the kettle on.

However, there is no fucking way I would be spoken to like by someone else’s husband. There is nothing I hate more than men getting involved in their wives business. It’s absolutely pathetic when women expect their OHs to “stick up for them” (and to be fair, the only blokes I’ve ever known to do this have been controlling, abusive arseholes).

I don’t understand the hand wringing about someone being early. It is not “rude” to mis-time your journey ffs. Honestly, some people just look for things to be offended by.

ptumbi · 01/12/2017 09:00

The next night my husband received a message from her husband expressing how upset he was at how I'd treated his wife and child. - how did the husband get your husband's number?

But having the 2 'menz' discussing how the wives have upset each other....

I too have 'no words'.

RiseToday · 01/12/2017 09:01

I think you've apologised enough!

She could have sat in her car?

Her husband sounds like a complete knob. I cannot believe his reaction, he sounds confrontational and aggressive.

Distance yourself!

Thetreesareallgone · 01/12/2017 09:01

I don't think the lady originally did anything wrong by being early. It's hard to predict times when travelling in London, and she obviously set off early, too early, and was there unexpectedly 30 min before. I'd certainly text the person in that scenario, if it was cold and say 'oops, really early as mistimed the trains, any chance I could sit in your kitchen and keep out of the way, or even help?' If you refused to let me in and make me wait in the cold for 10 min, I would find it off. That isn't very courteous.

That said, their reaction is bonkers. I would just have quietly thought it a bit off and said nothing.

Being helpful and accommodating if people are early is nicer than having a perfect home or being completely ready.

On a nice day, a 10 min walk round the block is no biggie, on a cold day like yesterday, it's not so nice.

You can stop apologizing though, it's done now.

kissmethere · 01/12/2017 09:01

Wtf! They sound like utter dicks! Why is her Dh getting involved? I wouldn't invite her again and if her DH messages your DH again I'd tell him to F off. Some people are baffling!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/12/2017 09:02

They sound crazy. Why was she bringing her I’ll baby to a house with other babies anyway? She was in the wrong there too.

Don’t apologise anymore OP.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/12/2017 09:03

Stupid autocorrect ill not I’ll.

Original poster
Fizz190 · 01/12/2017 09:03

Wow, overwhelmed at so many responses! I totally acknowledge in hindsight that it would have been far easier just to let them in. I was in such a panic though that I wasn't thinking straight! The whole arriving early thing is really interesting - I personally think it's rude and would never do it (which may have unconsciously affected my decision to not let her in, I'll admit) but for some it's not an issue. I imagine it's just varying social norms!

In hindsight what I actually should have done is message the group to say I was having a mare and push back the start time but everything is easier in hindsight!

It seems that almost everyone agrees that the reaction was ott. We are part of an nct group who meet very regularly so I can't ditch them (and that's partly why I apologised so much - I didn't want to cause tension in the group). And in actuality this woman is generally very nice so I wouldn't want to - but I will keep more of a distance. And no more parties!!! Blush

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 01/12/2017 09:07

You aplogised a ridiculous amount of times. Husband is completely ott. And why did she bring sick baby out? Is there some kind of back story to her - depression, anxiety etc. It's strange she didn't just knock your door

The only way I can see such looney behaviour is that you did make her wait in the cold while you showered. Wouldn't have killed u to sling on a bathrobe and let them in.

ptumbi · 01/12/2017 09:07

How did the husband get your DH number?

GwenStaceyRocks · 01/12/2017 09:07

I think it was odd that you didn't let her in tbh. I've never heard of or experienced someone turning up early to a house party and being told they can't get in.
Yy it is rude to turn up early but she was relying on public transport and doesn't know the area well so it's understandable that she misjudged timings.
Saying that, you have apologised so try to forget about it.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/12/2017 09:07

I think someone who you don’t know very well turning up early does throw you off balance. Totally different with family and close friends where you can say “ come in and make a cup of tea while I get ready “ etc.

Appuskidu · 01/12/2017 09:07

You don’t bring ill babies to parties.

Let’s hope this ends up in the Daily Fail and they can read about how ridiculous they were being.

Thetreesareallgone · 01/12/2017 09:08

She wasn't arriving to a formal function, she was coming around to your house for a cuppa and cake with friends!

One of the reasons people are early in the UK is that people also find being late rude. How on earth, with a tiny baby and variable transport, can you be exactly on time every time?

There are lots of cultures which are way more welcoming than the UK who are relaxed about times people arrive for social events. This is really anal- the time people arrive is more important than the fact they travelled across time to your 'party' (cuppa and cake) and made the effort to come.

Sorry, OP, you are not really in the spirit of the whole thing at all. It's not a performance, it's a nice chance to be friends.

She shouldn't have had a go, or involved her husband, but this doesn't shine a good light on any of you really. It's all very fraught for what is supposed to be a fun event!

WeAreEternal · 01/12/2017 09:08

You were absolutely right to turn her away, ten minutes early wouldn’t be an issue but she was unreasonable to turn up half an hour early and then be unhappy about turned away.

Yes it would have been nice for it to have not been an issue to be so early but you were busy so it was, she could very easily have gone to a nearby cafe for half an hour when she got off the train/bus and realised how early she was.

I think your mistake was apologising so much, it paints the picture that you think you did something wrong.
You are being too British and polite.

I imagine she got home, told her DH about it in a ‘I was a bit early but Fizz was busy so I had to walk around the block a few times until she was ready for me to come in, she did appologise for it though’
So he thinks you made her wait out in the cold with the sick baby while you finished a task.

Stop apologising.
If anything I’d be distancing myself from both of them.