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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Party guest showed up early...

465 replies

Fizz190 · 01/12/2017 08:32

Hi all, first post here but I'm looking for some objective opinions!

I recently hosted a party for a group of 8 mum friends and their babies. We've only known each other for a few months and it's the first time I've done anything like this so I put myself under a lot of pressure. I spent a lot of time cleaning and tidying the house the day before, and baked a cake and some brownies. The morning of the party I had planned to vacuum and do a few last minute bits and pieces around the house as well as baking some scones. Everything went wrong though as I had a power cut and had no electricity and no hot water for 6 hours so I had to rush around doing everything at the last minute (whilst entertaining my 6 month old baby) . I ended up getting ready for a shower half an hour before people arrived - I was in a total panic by this stage. At this point I got a message from one of the mums saying she was outside my house - half an hour early. I don't know her well enough to be comfortable to answer the door in a towel so I sent her a message apologising that I was just getting in the shower and I'd be 10 mins max. She said she'd go for a walk.

When she arrived back I apologised again, explained I'd had a nightmare with the power cut and all seemed fine. After the party she messaged to say thanks and I immediately took the opportunity to apologise again. She replied saying how hard it had been for her to have to stay out in the cold as her little boy is ill. I'd completely forgotten he was poorly (my bad) so apologised again and said I hoped he was OK. She accepted my apology and I thought that was the end of it.

The next night my husband received a message from her husband expressing how upset he was at how I'd treated his wife and child. My husband and I were both baffled by this. He sent a quick apology and I then messaged them both with a very long apology acknowledging that I should have remembered that the baby was ill and that I really hadn't intended to upset anyone. I made no excuses at all and said I'd hope they'd both forgive me. The husband replied saying that his wife had forgiven me but that he had "no words" and that he'd "calm down in time".

I feel that this has been blown way out of proportion and I've gone from feeling bad about upsetting them to feeling quite angry that he hasn't accepted my apology.

I'd really genuinely value people's thoughts either way. Am I in the wrong here?

For context the baby has been to the doctor and it's been confirmed that it's probably just a cold but that he does have a bit if mucus on his chest which might need antibiotics.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
unfortunateevents · 01/12/2017 09:08

Sounds like you invested waaayyy too much effort into having 8 mothers and babies over for a play and a coffee. Two days of cleaning and baking and making scones etc for a bunch of 6 month olds and mums you don't even know particularly well? No wonder you were in such a state when she turned up 30 mins early. I think if you know someone well enough to invite them into your home, then surely you can trust them to sit on their own for 15 mins?

bigredboat · 01/12/2017 09:09

If I had upset a friend and her husband messaged my husband about it I would be livid - we're women not children who need a parent to sort out their squabbles! She might be nice enough but I'd give her husband a wide berth - he sounds like a tool.

saladdays66 · 01/12/2017 09:10

They are bonkers. If her baby wass so ill that being outside for ten mins (presumably in a pram, wrapped up?) was a problem, then why was she bringing him to a party??

She was rude arriving early too. She should have had a coffee or something and turned up at the right time.

You have done nothing wrong. I'd maybe distance myself from her. Her h is barking, though.

FrancisCrawford · 01/12/2017 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 01/12/2017 09:11

If her child is that ill, maybe the mother shouldn’t be taking him out.

GwenStaceyRocks · 01/12/2017 09:12

WeAreEternal how do you know there was a cafe nearby? If I turned someone away from my house, there isn't a cafe that they could walk to, order, and come back in half an hour.

inkjoy · 01/12/2017 09:12

Being early is definitely rude. People schedule events at a certain time for a reason. Turning up 30 minutes early is just assuming that whatever the host is doing at that moment in time isn't as important as you.
I do completely agree that things change if times are dictated by public transport. DD went to a sixth form 40minutes drive/15 minutes train journey away. If she wanted to meet up with friends over there and I was at work so couldn't drive her, she'd have to get the train and train times often meant she'd either be early or late. But she wouldn't dream of just turning up early to someone's house without texting her mate - I think she'd be scared she'd look like a bit of a freak! She has 2 quite clingy mates from her childhood who have form for this and will literally just text DD an hour before they're meant to come round saying 'I'm round the corner from yours now.'

Thetreesareallgone · 01/12/2017 09:13

Being asked to wait ten minutes is not a big deal in anyone’s scheme of things

In the freezing cold?

Is being 'on time' really more important than being hospitable, perhaps making a new friend, being flexible?

I guess the answer is yes on MN.

I would be mortified if my guests, or even people I didn't know well, were hanging around outside in a few degree above freezing temperature in their cars or walking around the block just to avoid being half an hour early for coffee and cake.

cakecakecheese · 01/12/2017 09:14

Sometimes you can overestimate how long it takes to get somewhere but if I was going to be early to something like that I'd probably text or call first and if it was not convenient find a coffee shop etc.

What I think is worse is the fact that the wife seemed to accept your apology but the husband decided to wade in, if she's accepted your apology then that should be that he didn't need to bang on about it. It's done, unless you have a time machine what are you supposed to do about it? Does he seem like a dominant kind of personality, does he always get involved in her stuff?

expatmatt38 · 01/12/2017 09:14

No you’re fine she’s being weird ! No way I’d be ready half an hr early and in her shoes would cool my heels unless I knew the other party well enough to show up
Also I cannot imagine a scenario ever where DH would contact the DH of a vague contact of mine about play date logistics? That’s v v v weird. Why can he not just leave her too it? And if he was too sick to be out she should’ve stayed home anyway
Sadly op when u first have kids u try hard with every and all other Mum with same age kids— in my experience quickly realizing most u have nothing in common with

50ShadesOfEarlGrey · 01/12/2017 09:14

Being early is far worse than being late, especially half an hour early, that is just plain rude! I’d be frantically running around trying to cram in all those last minute bits whilst trying to find the right lipstick and finish drying my hair.
My brother and ex SIL always used to turn up early, I think she used to do it deliberately as she would delight in catching me out and then I would be the butt of jokes about my poor housekeeping.

Makes me shudder just thinking about that moment of panic when the doorbell goes that early!

inkjoy · 01/12/2017 09:14

And also why are people trying to bring OP's prep for the event into question?! Yes she went through a lot of effort, she wanted it to be nice, had annoying circumstances like powercut so was stressed. The fact she wanted to clean the house and baked things has nothing to do with someone's decisions to turn up early unannounced Confused

Sunshineface123 · 01/12/2017 09:15

Stop apologising! She shouldn't have brought the baby out if it was that ill. When you get panicked about things you make snap decisions, it would've been easier to let her in but you know that. She also shouldn't have been early...could've gone and got a coffee somewhere perhaps? You're definitely not in the wrong here.

ReanimatedSGB · 01/12/2017 09:16

OK, don't apologise any more, but be nice to this woman. Her H is a pompous prick and a misogynist, so she's going to need friends.

Really, your H should have responded with something like 'Mate, this is neither your business nor mine, get over yourself.'

givemesteel · 01/12/2017 09:16

Even if the OP was rude in not letting her in, which some people obviously think, this woman was then very rude again for making it a big deal afterwards, even if she felt like that privately she wouldn't have said anything. And if her baby was that bloody ill she should have text back and said, sorry OP any chance we can come in we're freezing and my baby is ill, then I'm sure OP then would have let her in.

As for her husband texting that is bonkers.

NCT groups do splinter off eventually and people start meeting in smaller groups due to proximity or mutual interest. I would go find coffee with the two or three you like best and mention what the husband did, most will be Shockand give them a wide berth.

Kickassname · 01/12/2017 09:17

Congratulations, your first mum and baby tea party has turned out to be successful op. Now you know which parents are dickheads.

I wouldn't be taking my poorly baby out in that weather or to a party full of other babies anyway, but that's just me. I guess they don't care about anyone but themselves though.

Also lol at the father texting your dh. 'Don't worry sweety, the men will be having this out!' 🤣 It's ever so much more serious when the man gets involved don't you know.

Adamsmom · 01/12/2017 09:17

Yanbu
Have another party and don't invite them! You apologised what 3 times before the text messages?

Original poster
Fizz190 · 01/12/2017 09:19

Just to answer a couple of questions :

The husbands have a whatsapp group as we all met at nct so they have each others numbers
I live minutes from a number of cafes. I'm 30 seconds from a very family friendly pub where we all had a baby class so she's travelled to the area very regularly and knows that the pub is open and serves tea and coffee

I acknowledge that I totally over did it with the prep. I got myself in a state, but I really wanted things to be nice for the first time people came round. Plus we'd just got back from holiday so the house was a complete tip! I'll be far more relaxed for future gatherings - if I dare have another!!

Oh and I don't really know the husband well enough to comment on his general nature.

OP posts:
diddl · 01/12/2017 09:21

The husband sounds awful-I feel quite sorry for her tbh!

She's obviously mentioned what happened & boy oh boy has he run with it!

I would have let her in & let her watch my child whilst I showered-she was early, but someone you know & had invited.

I think that she should have let you know beforehand that she would be early though.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 01/12/2017 09:21

It's better than being late.

No, it really isn't; it's exceptionally rude and much more so than being late.

I would have refused entry too, particularly since there were a number of cafes and pubs right round the corner she could have gone in. She wasn't out in the freezing cold.

angstinabaggyjumper · 01/12/2017 09:22

It's them not you, I've known couples like this before and it's part of their dynamic. She perceives some imagined slight and the partner comes to her aid like Sir Galahad and is then her hero which is why the incident is blown out of proportion. This is similar to "the world is against us" which also draws them closer together. There must be a name for this sort of couple behaviour.

Killerfiller · 01/12/2017 09:23

Sorry wtfwtf wtf

Why are you both apologizing constantly.

I would have apologied once and then said if you turn up half an hour early anywhere you are expected to wait !

Don't invite her again.

Idiots

Lizzie48 · 01/12/2017 09:25

You've certainly apologised enough, they're both batshit!! Why the heck did the DH get involved?? I would hate it if my DH got involved in this way.

Seriously, though, guests arriving early stresses me out as well, it is rude, though I'd have probably let them in.

If her baby was ill, what was she doing coming to the event anyway??? Hmm

AndhowcouldIeverrefuse · 01/12/2017 09:27

You need to avoid this couple in future. You have done nothing wrong and have gone out of your way of be polite and hospitable. If the child is so sick that he does need antibiotics it is so irresponsible and selfish of her to bring him to a party - he needs rest and to keep his bug to himself! They sound bonkers.

kaytee87 · 01/12/2017 09:27

Does she actually realise she was 30 minutes early? Could she have got the time wrong?
She's in the wrong for turning up so early and for taking a poorly baby out (if she's so worried about it being outside).

But... there's no way I'd have turned someone away that turned up early. I'd have been annoyed, politely pointed out the time and said I still needed to shower so she would have to wait.

I can't believe her husband messaged your husband about this though. What.A.Dick!