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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Party guest showed up early...

465 replies

Fizz190 · 01/12/2017 08:32

Hi all, first post here but I'm looking for some objective opinions!

I recently hosted a party for a group of 8 mum friends and their babies. We've only known each other for a few months and it's the first time I've done anything like this so I put myself under a lot of pressure. I spent a lot of time cleaning and tidying the house the day before, and baked a cake and some brownies. The morning of the party I had planned to vacuum and do a few last minute bits and pieces around the house as well as baking some scones. Everything went wrong though as I had a power cut and had no electricity and no hot water for 6 hours so I had to rush around doing everything at the last minute (whilst entertaining my 6 month old baby) . I ended up getting ready for a shower half an hour before people arrived - I was in a total panic by this stage. At this point I got a message from one of the mums saying she was outside my house - half an hour early. I don't know her well enough to be comfortable to answer the door in a towel so I sent her a message apologising that I was just getting in the shower and I'd be 10 mins max. She said she'd go for a walk.

When she arrived back I apologised again, explained I'd had a nightmare with the power cut and all seemed fine. After the party she messaged to say thanks and I immediately took the opportunity to apologise again. She replied saying how hard it had been for her to have to stay out in the cold as her little boy is ill. I'd completely forgotten he was poorly (my bad) so apologised again and said I hoped he was OK. She accepted my apology and I thought that was the end of it.

The next night my husband received a message from her husband expressing how upset he was at how I'd treated his wife and child. My husband and I were both baffled by this. He sent a quick apology and I then messaged them both with a very long apology acknowledging that I should have remembered that the baby was ill and that I really hadn't intended to upset anyone. I made no excuses at all and said I'd hope they'd both forgive me. The husband replied saying that his wife had forgiven me but that he had "no words" and that he'd "calm down in time".

I feel that this has been blown way out of proportion and I've gone from feeling bad about upsetting them to feeling quite angry that he hasn't accepted my apology.

I'd really genuinely value people's thoughts either way. Am I in the wrong here?

For context the baby has been to the doctor and it's been confirmed that it's probably just a cold but that he does have a bit if mucus on his chest which might need antibiotics.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
londonrach · 01/12/2017 09:50

Abit of both. She should nt have bought a ill baby and why didnt you just let her sit downstairs why you getting ready

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 01/12/2017 09:51

I would drop this drama lama, like a hot potato !
What sort of a mother takes a poorly baby to a party ? A selfish, self absorbed one.
Don't give if another thought OP, and quit with any more appologies !

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 01/12/2017 09:52

I’d give both these people a massive, massive wide berth in the future. Who the actual fuck does he think he is?

And why was she bringing a baby ill enough to have been to the doctors, to a gathering full of other babies? Because she’s selfish - and that’s why it was an issue for her to not get access to your house at the time she decided she should.

I think you’ve shot yourself in the foot by apologising to the husband to be honest. He needed telling.

FrancisCrawford · 01/12/2017 09:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Howsthings1234 · 01/12/2017 09:53

Wow what an over reaction and how weird that her husband waded in!!! Have you told any of the other girls in the group? V strange. Definitely don't beat yourself up over it anymore. I can only assume that they are not coping that well or are incredible sleep deprived and I also agree with another poster - if the baby was that ill she should have stayed home!!!! Also if I was her and I was that pissed off I wouldn't have gone for a walk I would have just turned round and gone home again - why come to the party and act fine and then moan after???

tinysparklyshoes · 01/12/2017 09:53

I don't get the attitude she shouldn't have brought the baby

They claimed the baby was so ill it couldn't be outside in the cold. That is too ill to bring to a gathering of babies.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 01/12/2017 09:54

Also OP, if I was outside and upset that someone wouldn't let me in, I wouldn't be going for a walk, I'd be going home !
Attention seeking at it's best.

Hogtini · 01/12/2017 09:54

Wow. Total overreaction on their part! Your first apology was plenty.
I hate people who turn up early to anything.

RhiannonOHara · 01/12/2017 09:55

She and particularly her 'no words' husband need to get a fucking life. What a tiny thing to be going on and on about.

Yes, with hindsight it would have been easier for you to explain that you weren't quite ready for guests yet but she was welcome to come in and make herself comfortable while you finished getting ready. But you were caught on the hop and you didn't. Not a biggie.

I'm in London and use public transport and I know that, if you're trying hard not to be late, you can often find yourself inadvertently way too early. I don't blame her for that. But she could easily have gone to a pub or cafe for half an hour.

I'd not bother with them again, TBH.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 01/12/2017 09:55

bigredboat - I agree with you, I’d be mortified if my dh got involved. I hope she’s not bullied at home

ArcheryAnnie · 01/12/2017 09:56

Never invite them to anything again, OP. The idea of the woman's husband ringing up to have a go at you - they should both be so embarrassed. Normal people don't do that.

It's fine to turn up early! And it's fine for the host to say, sorry, in the shower, will answer the door in ten minutes, not now! It's not fine to turn it into some sort of international incident, which is what they've done.

RhiannonOHara · 01/12/2017 09:57

My vote is that the husband doesn't know she showed up early and possibly neither does she.

The OP has said she acknowledged herself that she was early.

FrancisCrawford · 01/12/2017 09:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

roseblossom75 · 01/12/2017 10:00

Maybe she didn't mean to arrive early, but timed the buses wrong or misjudged how long it would take her to arrive.

thegrinchreaper · 01/12/2017 10:01

You have been beyond gracious and needlessly apologetic. Some people are just arses. He seems to relish being upset and offended. Tell them both to fuck off and never darken your doorstep again.

Myheartbelongsto · 01/12/2017 10:03

I honestly can't understand why you wouldn't let them in while you had a shower.

Kentnurse2015 · 01/12/2017 10:03

A 10 minute walk wouldn't kill anyone. Even yesterday! If she was going to be so early or was unsure of timings why didn't she say when she was on her way? An ill baby? If they were so concerned then she shouldn't have come out with her child, they should be kept at home. I wouldn't let someone in while I was in the shower. If I was just finishing off sorting things out that would be slightly different but no OP, YANBU and the lady and her husband quite frankly need to get a life and stop upsetting you

MiniCooperLover · 01/12/2017 10:04

The apologies are done, no need for any more. If this keeps dragging on start standing up for yourself, don’t allow them to bully you as it will continue in other ways and they (particularly the husband) will always act in the group settings like they’re better than you.

MissOrganisedMe · 01/12/2017 10:04

If it were me I'd have went for a walk for 25 minutes anyway, rather than turn up that early.

If I'd have been ready then I may well have let her in but not if I wasn't. I just wouldn't have been comfortable like you.

As for the DH, ignore, what a total idiot. I'd be horrified if my DH did that!

snackarella · 01/12/2017 10:04

If I'd have been that early I would've gone and sat in a cafe and come back. In fact I have done this on several
Occasions as I always tend to be early for stuff.
Her DH is a nut job

RiotAndAlarum · 01/12/2017 10:05

Of course you can get sick from answering the door in a towel. If you"re on the verge of getting a cold, that can push you over. In any case, it isn't sensible or comfortable to expose oneself to yesterday's temperatures unless one's wrapped up (as the other mother and baby were). And, with the extra info about the child friendly pub next door, the other mother was extremely out of order "letting" her baby stay outside at all! I bet the husband has got into a hypochondriac rage about the baby's being ill, and to shift the blame, his wife made it about you: oh she said there was no point going to the pub, so I hung on, and hung on and waited and waited...

Whatever the scenario, these people are clearly unpredictable and not to be trusted. It's a bit shit to be arse-covering on mat leave fromwork, but heigh ho!

user1471426142 · 01/12/2017 10:07

It’s totally ridiculous. If I’d have been her I’d not even contemplate knocking early. In fact, I have been her and I just went for a walk to avoid that very situation. With babies, the chances are the host has had some unexpected delays and could do with an extra ten minutes. If she and the baby managed to get across London, an extra ten minutes would have made no difference at all unless the baby had done an explosive pop outside your door. Even if she was a bit upset, to then escalate to get the husbands involved is barmy. It should be her that is worried about disrupting the group and not you.

On the other side, I’d have probably let her in - there have been lots of times I’ve had friends over and I’ve been upstairs changing a nappy and I’ve just shouted out the window to let themselves in. But, I think I knew my groups better than you knew this lady.

LoniceraJaponica · 01/12/2017 10:07

“I don’t understand the hand wringing about someone being early. It is not “rude” to mis-time your journey ffs. Honestly, some people just look for things to be offended by.”

Neither do I Wombling. I have only ever come across this on MN.

“I've never heard of or experienced someone turning up early to a house party and being told they can't get in.”

Neither have I

“You were absolutely right to turn her away,”

No, she was absolutely wrong and downright rude to turn her away. I would never do this to anyone, especially when it is only 2 degrees outside Hmm. I simply cannot understand the mindset of someone who thinks arriving half an hour early is ruder than making someone wait outside in the cold for 10 minutes. That’s bonkers.

“I would be mortified if my guests, or even people I didn't know well, were hanging around outside in a few degree above freezing temperature in their cars or walking around the block just to avoid being half an hour early for coffee and cake.”

So would I, but I was never brought up to believe that being early is rude.

“Being early is far worse than being late”

In what strange world? Being late for a train, flight or interview won’t go down well. Being late to meet friends, especially if it is for a concert, film or meal where a table is booked is also rude. Being late for coffee at a friend’s is forgivable, but still impolite IMO.

I still think her husband shouldn’t have got involved. He sounds awful.

TheNoodlesIncident · 01/12/2017 10:09

Stop apologising. They made choices which you have no control over. She could easily have gone to a local cafe or something, seeing as she knows there are some around. If I'd done what she did and had a text back like yours, I would have said "Oh sorry, have I got the time wrong? I'll come back in a bit, unless there's something I can do to help".

(We did a party for DS in our local community centre. One parent actually arrived with her child about half an hour before kick-off. It was really annoying, especially as all the adults were really busy sorting out the food in the kitchen, putting up balloons and banners, etc. The parent and kid just sat around and stared at us. If we'd been doing it at home it would have been even more annoying. Who the hell does that??)

Roomba · 01/12/2017 10:09

I would be passive aggressively getting MY DH to text her, complaining about the way her DH has treated you with his texts (just so she can see how that feels and realises they are being fucking ridiculous, especially her DH who wasn't even there getting involved). But that would then be an end to any friendship I imagine!