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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Party guest showed up early...

465 replies

Fizz190 · 01/12/2017 08:32

Hi all, first post here but I'm looking for some objective opinions!

I recently hosted a party for a group of 8 mum friends and their babies. We've only known each other for a few months and it's the first time I've done anything like this so I put myself under a lot of pressure. I spent a lot of time cleaning and tidying the house the day before, and baked a cake and some brownies. The morning of the party I had planned to vacuum and do a few last minute bits and pieces around the house as well as baking some scones. Everything went wrong though as I had a power cut and had no electricity and no hot water for 6 hours so I had to rush around doing everything at the last minute (whilst entertaining my 6 month old baby) . I ended up getting ready for a shower half an hour before people arrived - I was in a total panic by this stage. At this point I got a message from one of the mums saying she was outside my house - half an hour early. I don't know her well enough to be comfortable to answer the door in a towel so I sent her a message apologising that I was just getting in the shower and I'd be 10 mins max. She said she'd go for a walk.

When she arrived back I apologised again, explained I'd had a nightmare with the power cut and all seemed fine. After the party she messaged to say thanks and I immediately took the opportunity to apologise again. She replied saying how hard it had been for her to have to stay out in the cold as her little boy is ill. I'd completely forgotten he was poorly (my bad) so apologised again and said I hoped he was OK. She accepted my apology and I thought that was the end of it.

The next night my husband received a message from her husband expressing how upset he was at how I'd treated his wife and child. My husband and I were both baffled by this. He sent a quick apology and I then messaged them both with a very long apology acknowledging that I should have remembered that the baby was ill and that I really hadn't intended to upset anyone. I made no excuses at all and said I'd hope they'd both forgive me. The husband replied saying that his wife had forgiven me but that he had "no words" and that he'd "calm down in time".

I feel that this has been blown way out of proportion and I've gone from feeling bad about upsetting them to feeling quite angry that he hasn't accepted my apology.

I'd really genuinely value people's thoughts either way. Am I in the wrong here?

For context the baby has been to the doctor and it's been confirmed that it's probably just a cold but that he does have a bit if mucus on his chest which might need antibiotics.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
VioletCharlotte · 02/12/2017 07:30

Husbands reaction was way over the top and no reason for him to get involved.

However I think you were unreasonable to leave her outside on such a cold day. I really can't see the problem with answering the door in a dressing gown - this is another Mum, not royalty!

Evewasinnocent · 02/12/2017 08:19

I hate being late but then spend ages mooching around so as not to arrive early. I might have sent a txt in the circumstances to see if ok with you - and would have been delighted with your reply - though would have been very apologetic to you! YADNBU! The husband sounds unhinged - avoid!

Original poster
Fizz190 · 02/12/2017 08:19

I'm absolutely stunned at the level of response to this post! Clearly a hot topic!

Your responses have really helped to gain clarity and perspective on the situation - thanks!! Here's a summary of what I've learned and concluded.

  1. There is massive variation in people's standards and values around the etiquette of hosting an event! But regardless of where you stand on the whole "being early is rude" question, it's not very nice to turn someone away from your doorstep. I should have sucked up my personal discomfort and let her in. I was right to apologise the first time.
  1. The husband should not have got involved, and he certainly should not have messaged my husband. I think they are quite a traditional couple and there will always be an incompatibility in how they go about these things compared to my approach. I should not have pandered to this as it sits very uncomfortably with my values. That apology was unnecessary and I certainly won't engage with him in this context any more.
  1. I don't know the wife well enough to really be confident about what she said to her husband and how culpable she is in how it escalated. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt but be mindful of this in the future.
  1. I will host other get togethers at my house - but I will chill the f*ck out about it! I love hosting, and contrary to some posts I genuinely just love having people round (and getting praise for my baking, I'll admit Wink). Next time I'll plan it for when my DH has just done the cleaning Grin

We've got a night out planned tonight which will hopefully clear the air of any residual tension - if not I'll be posting here again tomorrow!!!

OP posts:
Rebeccaslicker · 02/12/2017 08:23

If my DP spoke to one of my friends like that on my behalf, I'd swing for him. What a controlling weirdo.

YANBU - unless you invite them round again!! Wink

Summerisdone · 02/12/2017 08:32

YANBU, she shouldn’t have turned up half hour early anyway.
She was being a bit OTT making a thing of it after the event, why didn’t she reply saying she would rather not wait outside in that very moment, rather than after the event. Her husband is absolutely ridiculous, and even more so to be texting your husband first, almost like he’s grassing you up and expecting you to be told off Hmm

If the child was so ill in the first place though, then what was this mother doing even bringing him to a party where there’s going to be other young children/babies.

FrancisCrawford · 02/12/2017 08:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsHarry · 02/12/2017 08:51

I can't bare early arrivals! MIL does this so now we just give her a time 30 mins after we actually want her!

llangennith · 02/12/2017 09:05

One of the downsides of NCT groups. A cluster of females forced into a group when often the only thing they have in common is that they all had babies at roughly the same time.
Unless you really, really like and get along with everyone in your group just arrange to meet up in twos or threes. Go to soft play area as the babies get older. To meet other mothers go to playgroups.

Doublechocolatetiffin · 02/12/2017 09:09

I don’t think you did anything wrong OP. You explained why you couldn’t answer right away and asked for 10 mins to get yourself showered and dressed. Not unreasonable.

I think you’ve just found out who the crazy couple in your NCT group is. Personally I’d be keeping my distance from them from now on. I suspect in a year you won’t be seeing much of them.

LemonShark · 02/12/2017 09:21

Omg yanbu! She was BU to show up to an event with a designated start time so early! Don't stress about it, I bet it caused some argument between them and now they're making you the scapegoat.

LemonShark · 02/12/2017 09:22

Today 08:33 FrancisCrawford

"It is a perfectly normal to use public transport with a baby. It is nothing out of the ordinary."

😂 Spot on

BakedBeans47 · 02/12/2017 09:28

The only thing you did unreasonable was apologising

As for the husband I’d have told him to go fuck himself. The baby can’t have been that poorly if she could lug him around on public transport

Lizzie48 · 02/12/2017 09:35

I think the whole point is that you get ready to host from the time you have said you'll be ready from, not 30 minutes earlier.

Makemine, the fact that there are so many YANBUs should tell you that you're the one who has no understanding of social etiquette. I would never dream of arriving early to a social event at someone's home.

The lady could easily have texted to make sure it would be convenient for her to arrive early. Hmm

Organisednotobsessed · 02/12/2017 09:47

Honestly, life is too short to have people in your life who aren't gracious. I've wasted far too much time worrying about what unreasonable people think and bending over backwards. You apologised (which I don't even think was necessary but a nice, peacemaking thing to do) and that should have been the end of it. Better to invest in relationships with people who have a "good heart" and give and take.

Emilybrontescorsett · 02/12/2017 09:48

I would not make any effort at all to speak to her dh. The next time he speaks to you I would just be courteous and to the point.

He has no words.
I do -fuck off but then I'm of the opinion that you have nothing in Common with rhese people other than the fact you happen to have had a baby around the same time.

Applesandpears23 · 02/12/2017 09:56

I hosted an NCT thing last week. Someone rang the bell bang on the start time and mentioned she had been early due to the bus taking less time then she thought. She had gone for a walk around to make sure she wasn't early. That is normal behaviour.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 02/12/2017 10:06

OP you sound like a very normal, well balanced and nice person.

New motherhood does come with some mine fields and I’m sure you’ll manage just fine sometimes it takes time though especially with groups as it can take a while before people let their Inner Crazy out. And for some people parenthood brings out a very special form of The Crazies.

Just remember - only do what you are happy with, no need to keep up with the whole group if you only click with one or two, if it all gets more hard work than fun don’t be afraid to move on. You will make more Mum-friends. As for causing tension in the group - if the rest of them are mature enough they will not get involved or propagate it, sometimes that little bit of confrontation can set the boundaries and someone will think twice before messing you around.

Sparklyshoes16 · 02/12/2017 10:23

Very odd behaviour! Especially from the husband...my advice ditch them...this person sounds like a lot of drama that you won't need in times to come! Trust me having nice friendly people that care about you around you makes the world of difference...she sounds like someone who will become quite toxic and cause problems with other things down the line!

Ribbonnu · 02/12/2017 10:30

Good conclusions OP.

No way would I turn up to someone's house half an hour early - I would've gone for a walk/coffee shop if I had to be in the area early due to public transport.

I wouldn't have even noticed a message on my phone if I was in the shower/about to get into the shower. You may not have even been in - popping to shops getting milk or something.

Her DH is being utterly ridiculous getting involved. They both sound entitled and rude.

purplebunny2012 · 02/12/2017 17:30

I'm sorry, but why did she think it was OK to bring an I'll baby to a party?
SWBU, YWNBU

neverdull · 02/12/2017 17:32

I have to say this I’m sorry but ok so she was early and yes that’s very annoying but I would never turn some one away i would of just explained and left them downstairs! I think it’s a bit mean they went off for a walk! I would be offended if I was her!

snowsnowsnowsnow · 02/12/2017 17:53

No need for you to apologise further. Also I have no idea about your living arrangements but the layout of some homes (especially space-starved London) does not accommodate ability to shower in peace and also have guests at the same time. I feel a bit sorry for her in a way in terms of her husband. Can you ignore him and keep the friendship as "mummy" as possible for a while and hope it calms down?

Aeroflotgirl · 02/12/2017 17:55

Tbh I would not be hosting her again, if it was not an issue, she should not have told her husband.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 02/12/2017 18:03

Hope the evening out tonight goes well and it's all behind you all now.

FrancisCrawford · 02/12/2017 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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