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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Party guest showed up early...

465 replies

Fizz190 · 01/12/2017 08:32

Hi all, first post here but I'm looking for some objective opinions!

I recently hosted a party for a group of 8 mum friends and their babies. We've only known each other for a few months and it's the first time I've done anything like this so I put myself under a lot of pressure. I spent a lot of time cleaning and tidying the house the day before, and baked a cake and some brownies. The morning of the party I had planned to vacuum and do a few last minute bits and pieces around the house as well as baking some scones. Everything went wrong though as I had a power cut and had no electricity and no hot water for 6 hours so I had to rush around doing everything at the last minute (whilst entertaining my 6 month old baby) . I ended up getting ready for a shower half an hour before people arrived - I was in a total panic by this stage. At this point I got a message from one of the mums saying she was outside my house - half an hour early. I don't know her well enough to be comfortable to answer the door in a towel so I sent her a message apologising that I was just getting in the shower and I'd be 10 mins max. She said she'd go for a walk.

When she arrived back I apologised again, explained I'd had a nightmare with the power cut and all seemed fine. After the party she messaged to say thanks and I immediately took the opportunity to apologise again. She replied saying how hard it had been for her to have to stay out in the cold as her little boy is ill. I'd completely forgotten he was poorly (my bad) so apologised again and said I hoped he was OK. She accepted my apology and I thought that was the end of it.

The next night my husband received a message from her husband expressing how upset he was at how I'd treated his wife and child. My husband and I were both baffled by this. He sent a quick apology and I then messaged them both with a very long apology acknowledging that I should have remembered that the baby was ill and that I really hadn't intended to upset anyone. I made no excuses at all and said I'd hope they'd both forgive me. The husband replied saying that his wife had forgiven me but that he had "no words" and that he'd "calm down in time".

I feel that this has been blown way out of proportion and I've gone from feeling bad about upsetting them to feeling quite angry that he hasn't accepted my apology.

I'd really genuinely value people's thoughts either way. Am I in the wrong here?

For context the baby has been to the doctor and it's been confirmed that it's probably just a cold but that he does have a bit if mucus on his chest which might need antibiotics.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
Lindy2 · 01/12/2017 21:28

I'd have just said "sorry I couldn't let you in before. I was in the shower. I wasn't expecting anyone to arrive until 1pm as planned."
No further apologies or explainations needed.
I'm probably a little harsh but honestly I wouldn't try to hard to appease her and I would not reply to her husband at all. I take it you've only known her a fairly short while and she sounds very hard work. Not good signs for a good friendship.

mumisnotmyname · 01/12/2017 21:36

I tend to arrive early but I pootle around around until the right time or ideally five minutes after. Expecting to be let in half an hour early is rude.
Her husband is very very rude and sexist.
I would avoid them both as much as possible.
You did a nice thing I am sorry they spoiled it.
Stop apologizing, they are talking no ownership for having created the whole situation in the first place.

Iwanttobe8stoneagain · 01/12/2017 21:42

Remember it’s likely the only thing/values/interests you have in common with these people is you had babies st roughly the same time. You obviously both approach things differently. I’d move in from them they sound complete idiots. What if you had been out shopping would the DH still have no words if you were picking up a packet of bourbons?

cathcath2 · 01/12/2017 21:57

YANBU When you said that the child was ill, I was imagining an immuno-compromised child/ child with one lung/ child with a heart condition etc. The child had a cold and his mother decided he was well enough to travel across London (I'm not saying she was wrong to bring him, just that it was her decision).
I'm presuming she wrapped him up warm enough for the journey (with layers to remove for public transport if he got too hot). He spent TEN minutes more than she had anticipated outside, not three hours and presumably the journey was quicker than she anticipated so actually he probably spent the same amount of time outside that he would have done if buses etc were delayed.
When she arrived at your house and found you didn't let her in, mum made the decision not to go to a cafe/pub (that you said are near OP). It was her decision to remain outside; there were alternatives!
In other circumstances, you would have let her in. You apologised; that should have been the end of it. Yes, it wasn't ideal, but I too was taught it was rude to arrive more than 10 mins early.
Her DH sounds nuts.

lalliella · 01/12/2017 21:58

They are beyond weird OP. And if the husband had “no words” he should have stfu! I completely understand that with new friends you have to get used to new dynamics and new ways of behaving and new etiquette, but I reckon that within 99% of friendship groups turning up half an hour early is rude. You might have been out for that half hour and the baby been out in the cold for all that time. Her baby, her responsibility. Dump them and run OP! The husband is a bully and should be avoided at all costs. Stop apologising, it really isn’t your fault.

papersmile · 01/12/2017 21:59

I think it's weird that a friend was at your door and you refused to let her and her baby in. Regardless of how early she was, that's just odd behaviour in my opinion.

Jubejube1 · 01/12/2017 22:09

I don’t think you owe them any apology other than what you originally said to the woman on the day. Just say “oh f off up your own arses” if they get in touch again. I’d avoid seeing the silly bitch & her snotty baby again at all costs.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/12/2017 22:11

They sound awful the pair of them! I woukd not be their friends after that. She came half an an hour early, if she was concerned about her I'll chikd, she shoukd have gone home. Why on earth bring an ill child to a party, he shoukd be at home.

SureJan · 01/12/2017 22:14

I'd probably have let her in, I'd feel bad making her wait outside, but it would have secretly annoyed me that she was so early & I totally get why you were flustered.
But then that being said, if I was her I'd be a bit annoyed at being turned away, although I would never have let on, wouldn't expect an apology for it or moan to DH about it afterwards!
Well, if I was her I would have automatically just gone for a walk or to a cafe for half an hour, I'd feel like a pest showing up that early.
No actually, if I was her I wouldn't have taken my ill baby to someone's house where other babies were!

DeadGood · 01/12/2017 22:16

Being early is just as rude as being late in my book. The thing is there is no excuse for being early, it is completely avoidable. Journey took less time than you thought? Kill some time til it’s ok to ring the doorbell! Like a normal person!

puglife15 · 01/12/2017 22:28

Feel very sorry for the kid growing up with a vindictive, unforgiving, grudge-bearing dad. Good luck to him.

InspMorse · 01/12/2017 22:34

She was U to arrive so early.
She was U to bring I'll child to your house
You were U to fall over yourself for two days preparing for such a small gathering.
You were U to apologise to her so many times.

makeminealargeone22 · 02/12/2017 03:24

I cannot believe all the YANBUs. If a guest arrives at your home even annoyingly early (and it’s happened plenty of times to me) then of course you let them in and act in a hospitable and kind manner. The woman had used public transport with a baby and then told to wait outside!!!!! Your little ‘do’ quite clearly had other motives other than a warm and friendly get together.
No wonder your ‘friend’ and her husband were so upset- you acted appallingly and all these people backing you up are equally boorish and lacking in basic good manners.

Fluffywhitecloud · 02/12/2017 03:30

How entitled can you get? If your ill baby was that much of an issue don't be so disorganised you risk hanging about outside for half an hour. There are some idiots out there I swear to god.

Fluffywhitecloud · 02/12/2017 03:31

I wouldn't even bother with those two again OP they sound like nightmares

Haribeau · 02/12/2017 03:50

You invited ‘friends’ you don’t know very well to your house, be ready to host. So bloody rude to not be ready, if they turned up early - you should be ready to host. Leaving people to walk the streets is disgraceful

Haribeau · 02/12/2017 03:52

Makeminealargeone YES

prettypaws · 02/12/2017 04:32

Makemine and Hari are you the mum in question, or just very entitled, or perfect perhaps?

Did you miss the part where the poor woman had a power cut for hours but she still didn't postpone/cancel. The woman was 30 minutes late, she barely knows her but still let her in 20 minutes early. She was rudely put on the spot and she made a decision based on comfort levels for them both - knowing that the woman was fine getting around on public transport and walking and that they may both be uncomfortable with the host still showering and getting ready.

Really, in hindsight she might make a different choice, but 10 minutes is no biggie and the rude messages just make them look like pricks.

prettypaws · 02/12/2017 04:32

*30 minutes early, not late

Pengggwn · 02/12/2017 06:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Be3Al2Si6O18 · 02/12/2017 07:00

Watch the wife. The husband was following her instructions. She's trouble.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 02/12/2017 07:09

Stop apologising. You only had to apologise once to the Mum. Why the husband has irrationally got involved is strange. Total over reaction to something that could have been resolved by the Mum putting enough blankets on her baby or going to a cafe/shop to stay warm or arriving on time. What lunacy and over reaction to hold a immovable grudge. Pathetic really.

I would think this behaviour is symptomatic of what they are like generally and would give them a wide birth.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 02/12/2017 07:11

I think the norm would be to invite her in, show her the coffee maker and carry on getting ready.

But sending her away is also fine. It was only half an hour and she could have gone elsewhere

Labradoodliedoodoo · 02/12/2017 07:13

Yes the baby couldn’t have been that ill anyway. Just a cold. You wouldn’t take an properly ill baby to a social gathering

Billben · 02/12/2017 07:14

Because they have blown this so out of proportion, the incident won’t be forgotten by her. Her apology was probably fake as well. She was also rude to turn up at somebody’s house who she doesn’t know very well half an hour early. I can imagine her being a pain in the arse in the years coming so I’d try to keep my distance to be honest.

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