Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Party guest showed up early...

465 replies

Fizz190 · 01/12/2017 08:32

Hi all, first post here but I'm looking for some objective opinions!

I recently hosted a party for a group of 8 mum friends and their babies. We've only known each other for a few months and it's the first time I've done anything like this so I put myself under a lot of pressure. I spent a lot of time cleaning and tidying the house the day before, and baked a cake and some brownies. The morning of the party I had planned to vacuum and do a few last minute bits and pieces around the house as well as baking some scones. Everything went wrong though as I had a power cut and had no electricity and no hot water for 6 hours so I had to rush around doing everything at the last minute (whilst entertaining my 6 month old baby) . I ended up getting ready for a shower half an hour before people arrived - I was in a total panic by this stage. At this point I got a message from one of the mums saying she was outside my house - half an hour early. I don't know her well enough to be comfortable to answer the door in a towel so I sent her a message apologising that I was just getting in the shower and I'd be 10 mins max. She said she'd go for a walk.

When she arrived back I apologised again, explained I'd had a nightmare with the power cut and all seemed fine. After the party she messaged to say thanks and I immediately took the opportunity to apologise again. She replied saying how hard it had been for her to have to stay out in the cold as her little boy is ill. I'd completely forgotten he was poorly (my bad) so apologised again and said I hoped he was OK. She accepted my apology and I thought that was the end of it.

The next night my husband received a message from her husband expressing how upset he was at how I'd treated his wife and child. My husband and I were both baffled by this. He sent a quick apology and I then messaged them both with a very long apology acknowledging that I should have remembered that the baby was ill and that I really hadn't intended to upset anyone. I made no excuses at all and said I'd hope they'd both forgive me. The husband replied saying that his wife had forgiven me but that he had "no words" and that he'd "calm down in time".

I feel that this has been blown way out of proportion and I've gone from feeling bad about upsetting them to feeling quite angry that he hasn't accepted my apology.

I'd really genuinely value people's thoughts either way. Am I in the wrong here?

For context the baby has been to the doctor and it's been confirmed that it's probably just a cold but that he does have a bit if mucus on his chest which might need antibiotics.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
ReinettePompadour · 01/12/2017 16:44

Am I the only person on here who doesn't think that turning up half an hour early is rude?

I dont think half an hour early is rude. It's rude to be 30 minutes late but not early Confused I do think not letting them in is rude though.

How did you arrange it? If you said 'shall we say about 10ish' then you were definitely rude to not let them in.

The husband however was rude but maybe his wife is struggling being a mum and she might have been looking forward to meeting up with you all week. In which case I can see why he may have been trying to make you realise that perhaps your actions had a massive effect on his wifes mental health.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 01/12/2017 17:14

I would not have opened the door in my bathrobe. Probably would have thrown something on let her in then gone for a shower.

No way in hell would I react like she or her nutjob H did.

Your over-apologetic approach screams to me of not knowing where to draw the line in the eternal battle of politeness vs assertiveness. I have been there so it touches a nerve with me. I am not there anymore, nor will do I tolerate the idea that I will be friends with a group of women simply because we procreated at the same time, it (to me) is all a bit school-playgroundish.

Perhaps you both made a mistake. However you are the only one who apologised, where’s her apology for putting you in an embarrassing situation?

I would, for my own sense of self esteem, message her and let her know that she’s upset me and in particular her husband has been incredibly inappropriate.

Childrenslivesmatter · 01/12/2017 17:17

Yanbu. However i would have let her in. Made her a brew then had a shower. She could have watched you LO too. I wouldnt let them stay in the cold. That was a bit mean. But she said she would go for a walk. And it is ruds to turn up half an hour early. If her baby was poorly they should have stayed home. So on that basis yanbu

KarmaStar · 01/12/2017 17:18

YANBU AT ALL.you have apologized and explained more than enough.
If her child was so ill she should have stayed home.
I would not ,personally,have anything further to do with these people.

kaytee87 · 01/12/2017 17:27

@brilliotic bit of a stretch, no?

RainbowWish · 01/12/2017 17:27

YANBU
I would have let in a friend. But not someone from my child's playgroup while I was in a towel/going to shower.
As for the husband getting involved is just stupid.
These two will always be high maintenance.

Good luck if you keep the acquaintances

TheGoalIsToStayOutOfTheHole · 01/12/2017 18:13

You did nothing wrong. And they are attention seeking. I cannot believe you have apologized like 4 times over something so trivial. They are taking the piss. So not apologize anymore. Please.

IrritatedUser1960 · 01/12/2017 18:17

Don't bloody turn up early then. It really pisses me off when people do that and you have to entertain them when you are busy and why does her husband need to intervene? I f the baby is ill then stay at home, not all the kids and mums need their horrible virus ff's.

scotchpie · 01/12/2017 18:24

Why didn't she just knock on your door?

Her DH sounds like a prick! You need to loose this woman out of your circle pronto!

noodlesandtomatoes · 01/12/2017 18:26

Not your fault. Faze them out! You don't need friends like that.

Taffeta · 01/12/2017 18:28

I haven’t RTFT but sheesh she shouldn’t be out if the baby is ill and she’s worried about them, let alone be infecting all the other babies at the party.

To then blame you as they rock up early?

FTFO. Avoid avoid avoid. The woman and her DH sound like ACs.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 01/12/2017 19:30

Loving the fictional potential back stories!
How about this one.
Me and dc were invited to a party at a friend's house with some other mums and babies from baby group. My baby was ill but tbh I'd had enough of being stuck in listening to the whining and one of the other kids probably passed it to dd so why should I care?
My husband had to drop me off 30 mins early as he had a client booked in (he's a male prostitute). I thought about going to the nearby coffee shop but then I though why pay for coffee when I can drink my friend's for free so I texted her to let her know I was outside. The cheeky fucker only refused to let me in because getting a shower was more important!
I walked around the block a few times seething then went back to the party (dh had a busy day on with clients and couldn't collect me until later anyway). Me and dh are both livid about the whole thing and have let friend know. AIBU?

Original poster
Fizz190 · 01/12/2017 20:32

CorbynsBumFlannel

I think you've nailed it! Mystery solved! Wink

OP posts:
JaneyGotAGun · 01/12/2017 20:34

YANBU!

God I can't stand people who turn up early to a party.

A few years ago I had a bbq for my birthday and one couple turned up an HOUR early. I was rushing round trying to get everything sorted and the wife followed me round trying to show me a supposedly funny video on her phone. I kept trying to get her to sit in the garden with a drink with her DH but she wasn't having any of it. I wanted to scream.

People who turn up early are just as rude as people who are late imho

NewMinouMinou · 01/12/2017 20:36

There’s a few people I don’t mind turning up early - they’re good chums and they’ll pitch in with last-minute preps and tidying.

Otherwise, nah. It’s especially bad in this scenario as the woman knew there were cafes etc to go into.

Esker · 01/12/2017 20:37

Husband sounds like a bully. The 'no words' thing is way over the top.

It's a shame they had to wait but 10 mins isn't the end of the world! I would have been fine with it.

You sound really thoughtful and I'm sorry your experience of hosting the party has been overshadowed by the husbands aggressive behaviour Sad

NewMinouMinou · 01/12/2017 20:38

Janey - that would have driven me mad. FFS, woman, put your phone down and pick up a dustpan and brush!

Esker · 01/12/2017 20:38

Yes hadn't thought about this but 100% WHY was she bringing a baby with a cold to a party full of babies??? Now that is thoughtless in the extreme. My baby is ex-Prem on oxygen and we spend our entire lives avoiding events either because other people are ill or because he is ill and I don't want to pass anything on to others.

JaneyGotAGun · 01/12/2017 20:54

Exactly Minou!!

Original poster
Fizz190 · 01/12/2017 21:10

ReinettePompadour

I said it kicks off at 1pm. I think that was pretty clear. I have acknowledged in previous replies that I should have let them in though. A bad judgement call on my part.

As for the mental health thing - I acknowledge that's possible. The group had met less than a week before this event though (and meets pretty regular) so she's by no means isolated. I have personal and professional experience of MH so I'm pretty switched on to these things. It's entirely possible I missed it though. That being said - I would have had no issue with him raising it with me in those circumstances. I do have issues with him talking to my husband about it.

OP posts:
Cantusethatname · 01/12/2017 21:14

ooh I shudder remembering how miserable some of my first lot of "mum friends" made me. Drop these people, you really don't need this.

ElephantsandTigers · 01/12/2017 21:15

I once turned up half an hour for a lunch with the aqua natal group. I was going quite a way and didn't want to be late. Even worse, at the lunch I double dipped. Wasn't thinking. Haven't done it since. Still fret about it. Baby is now 16 HmmBlush.

SweetheartTreacleTart · 01/12/2017 21:15

Hahaha sorry, I laughed out loud! Next time don't bother inviting them. She should not have arrived early in the first place and the fact that you apologised is great. She and her silly husband should accept the apology and go on their merry way.

Original poster
Fizz190 · 01/12/2017 21:22

Illstartexercisingtomorrow

Just to reassure I have no issues with assertiveness in normal circumstances. I teach it to other people!

I'll admit I am struggling with the group dynamics in this new phase of my life though. The apologies were genuine at first but I went overboard as frankly I haven't got the energy to deal with friction in the group. I will not continue to pander to ridiculousness in the long term but I was so stunned by the extreme reaction that I found myself questioning my actions. Hence this post! I erred on the side of caution this time but will trust my gut in future.

Luckily the majority of the ladies in the group are totally sound so hopefully this will not happen again!

OP posts:
Original poster
Fizz190 · 01/12/2017 21:26

ElephantsandTigers

You double dipped?! Monster! ShockWink

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread