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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Demanding the kids carry Drunk Grandad to bed at Xmas

201 replies

Lanaorana2 · 30/11/2017 19:35

Elderly parents off to stay with their DS and DGCs (three teens) at Xmas. Lovely. DF is an alcoholic. Not so lovely. DM has asked in advance that the DGCs are on hand to 'get Granpa to bed safely'. Dbro and Dsil can't do it on their own, not strong enough.

Granpa, who is 6 foot, will be drunk and a dead weight, needs carrying by two hefty teens to the guest room. At the last family party at their house he had to be carried and put to bed. He walks fine when he hasn't drunk a bottle of scotch.

He falls in his own home often; neither he nor his wife see the need for change. But are they being U or non-U asking their DGC to get involved?

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 01/12/2017 17:09

So many unsavoury issues. Ok he’s strapping adult no teenagers should manually lift
Drinking to point of being immobile is shocking
I’d learn basic first aid put him in recovery position on mattress on floor and put a blanket over him
And ask him to see GP about his alcohol and lifestyle

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 01/12/2017 17:12

Family need to ask GP do a home visit talk about falls, alcohol and lifestyle
Is there an underlying mood disorder or other issues

BlackPeppercorn · 01/12/2017 17:13

I'd be telling my mum to get him as drunk as poss as early as poss on Xmas Day, hopefully he'll pass out by noon. Then we can pick up my mum and bring her for a lovely dinner, a round or two of charades, bit of Xmas telly, and back home. He'd be none the wiser.
Lacking in Xmas spirit I may be, but the alternative is awful. It's time your parents started staying indoors on Xmas Day if she won't leave him. And I mean Leave Him in both ways, for the day and for the future.

Jaxhog · 01/12/2017 17:20

No, no, no! If he passes out through drunkenness, leave him and throw a blanket over him. What if your DCs dropped him while manhandling him upstairs? How would your DM feel then? Completely unreasonable.

(Personally, I would not have him in my house if he behaved like this)

shhhfastasleep · 01/12/2017 17:23

He needs medical help, not enabling.

Ceto · 01/12/2017 17:27

From personal experience, I completely get the fact that he will find a way to get hold of drink, come what may. If you hide it, he will seek it out. If you have none in the house, he will go out and get some.

But it does seem to me that everyone really is enabling this. If your mother gets screaming and hysterical every time he passes out, and he is doing it regularly, why does she still tolerate it? If I were as upset as that about my husband's alcohol addiction, I would give him an ultimatum: get treatment or get out. Likewise when he gets to the hours of drunken ramblings stage, can he not be moved towards bed before he passes out? And indeed, why don't your brother and sister in law simply say that they can't tolerate having someone behaving like this in the house?

StormTreader · 01/12/2017 17:30

Why on earth is she "screaming and crying"? Shes seen it every year for the last goodness knows how many years, it cant be a surprise hes in that state. Or is she screaming and crying at the fact everyone isnt helping to conceal his issue?

shhhfastasleep · 01/12/2017 17:40

My mum gave up fags aged 79 after being a smoker since 13. He can't use Age as an excuse.

OverinaFlash · 01/12/2017 17:42

To all those suggesting any form or guarding the alcohol cupboard, looking after an alcoholic, being nice to them etc, you must have no idea how exhausting it is to try and prevent the inevitable behaviour of an alcoholic or try to pacify them so as not to have to deal with the fallout when there drunkenness causes all manner of horrible behaviour. And no, realising a middle aged or elderly relative has wet the bed because they were too drunk to get up or come home blood stained having fallen unconscious somewhere on the way home is not remotely similar to helping an occasionally drunk friend.

Willow2017 · 01/12/2017 17:43

Damm sure i wouldnt be using someone elses mattress for his comfort either. Why should someone else have a crap night jyst cos he is passed out on the floor? He wants to get in that state he takes the consequences.

NovemberWitch · 01/12/2017 17:46

Why bother engaging with them at all? Let them have Christmas on their own, doing what they want. It seems stupid to invite an alcoholic and his enabler to a family gathering and then complain or panic about their behaviour.

LostinLSpace · 01/12/2017 17:50

No. Just no to any of it.

Absolutely no to having an alcoholic get rambling/fall down/pass out (possibly rage or become violent, be sick or soil himself etc) at or in front of a child or teenager of any age.

An extra no to having the DGM create another horrible scene in front of said children/teenagers - this is disturbing enough in itself for a child/teenager to see without the prior drunken behaviour of DGF.

Seriously and in the nicest way OP you and your DB need to say "no this will no longer be accepted at my house and in front of my children. We love you but if you cannot seek help and stop behaving like this in front of them you will not be allowed to be around them"

If he drinks or is drunk in front of the kids when you visit, leave.
If they visit and he drinks or is drunk ask them to leave.

I agree with the others saying you can only shield your children by no longer allowing this behaviour to effect your kids.

I wish you luck and Flowers because it's not easy to have an alcoholic in the family.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/12/2017 18:03

Here's the thing. My brother is a recovering alcoholic, I've posted about him before. There comes a time, and it is heartbreaking, when you have to stop enabling, both the drinker AND his enablers.

For me it meant forbidding my brother my house. Telling him that I would NOT see him or speak to him until he got sober and had been sober for some time. It nearly killed me, because you see I was his enabler. I was the one who was actually facilitating his drinking, with my sympathy and 'taking care' of him.

I blocked his phone number. I auto-bounced his emails. I felt incredible guilt and as if I were sentencing him to death. But it was worth it. He is sober now (with one minor slip up) and has said he will be forever grateful, that I saved his life.

It's time for you and your DB to do the same.

Willow2017 · 01/12/2017 18:17

lostin
Good point. Why should dgc see their granny hysterical and screaming over thier drunk gd?

What a farce for everone to witness.

Do the other people invited whp are 'warned' actually come? I wouldn't want to witness that at all.

GladysKnight · 01/12/2017 19:11

OMG this is so upsetting. If your df had, say, faecal incontinence that he refused to seek help for or wear pads for, and dm said i need you to get dettol in to wipe up after him, would that be acceptable? Its similar imo.

As the child of two drunks I am finding this quite triggering tbh. How terrifying for the dgcs. How excruciating for the other guests

It was scenes like this (not even as bad) that made me hate Christmas for years and avoid my family, in fact until they were long sober and I had DCs of my own.

Let dm do the screaming down the phone now, when you tell her that there is no way they are doing this to your dns and to your dsis guests ffs

NoSquirrels · 01/12/2017 20:29

Why are they coming to stay? No possibility of them staying at home, and just visiting for lunch?

Sounds bloody horrendous, and your 80-year-old mother needs outside support - she shouldn’t be putting herself at risk every day. The DGC/teens & Christmas are all red herrings in this situation, honestly.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 02/12/2017 20:04

It's one thing for your mum to enable his drinking but you and your children shouldn't be forced to do it either. Just tell your mum to let your Dad sleep on the floor. He's pissed so won't give a shit that he's not in bed.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 02/12/2017 20:06

I don't get why your mum screams and cries? Is she trollied by this point too? Your poor kids witnessing this!!

paxillin · 02/12/2017 20:11

Granddad lying pissed on the floor and Grandma standing over him screaming and crying? Tell them their shenanigans are inappropriate in front of anyone and really damaging for children.

Jux · 02/12/2017 23:55

If your bro has agreed that they can come to his for the day, which don't you suggest that your nephews come to you for the day? That way, they won't have to witness any of it. And you dbro can consider where his priorities lie.

YouTheCat · 03/12/2017 00:04

What Jux said.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 03/12/2017 00:25

Im not going to have a pop at your dad. Alcoholism is an illness. Not a choice. However that being said.
His ilness Is not your children's responsibility or problem.

MissConductUS · 03/12/2017 01:27

Alcoholism is an illness. Not a choice.

True, but not seeking treatment is a choice as well, as is the enablement of the status quo.

Squeegle · 03/12/2017 08:01

This is very sad. But I’m not sure he should be coming at all in these circumstances. I’m nit sure he’s getting a lot of the joy of Christmas. And Granny will have to choose where she will spend Xmas. I think she needs help in dealing with him- but it’s all about how to improve her life rather than just enabling his. After all, he is anaesthetised, she’s not.

OlafLovesAnna · 03/12/2017 08:13

Apart from everything else those poor children/teens could do themselves a debilitating lifelong back injury attempting to lift an unconscious adult.

If one of those kids ends up having spinal surgery as a result of an injury sustained I'd be feeling very uncharitable indeed and if they were my kids I absolutely would not allow it even without the drunkenness and screaming.