Demanding the kids carry Drunk Grandad to bed at Xmas

[Lanaorana2]

Elderly parents off to stay with their DS and DGCs (three teens) at Xmas. Lovely. DF is an alcoholic. Not so lovely. DM has asked in advance that the DGCs are on hand to 'get Granpa to bed safely'. Dbro and Dsil can't do it on their own, not strong enough.

Granpa, who is 6 foot, will be drunk and a dead weight, needs carrying by two hefty teens to the guest room. At the last family party at their house he had to be carried and put to bed. He walks fine when he hasn't drunk a bottle of scotch.

He falls in his own home often; neither he nor his wife see the need for change. But are they being U or non-U asking their DGC to get involved?

I wouldn't enable an alcoholic in my home. If gets himself into a state anyway, he can sleep where he falls and my children will have nothing to do with it whatsoever. They will be responsible for nothing.

To the pp above who talks about this normalising alcoholism, that is so true. It wasn’t until I was married that I realised that not everyone’s dads drink until they are abusive and pass out. I was 28. I know, I should have known, but I guess I thought like me no one spoke about it and it just happened behind closed doors. I didn’t even realise it was what I thought until I said it to my husband aloud when talking about his dad being different from normal dads and he asked me if I thought that was the case.

Stick him in the porch with a blanket and a bucket.

Leave him where he falls. Recovery position and bucket. Perhaps waking like that on Boxing Day will be a bit of a wake up call. Carrying a 6foot dead weight up to bed is very likely to cause injuries . Under no circumstances would I allow Gc at whatever age to do that.

Just don’t get into a situation where you find yourself normalising the behaviour to your children, strapping teens or not.

If I've read the OP correctly it's NOT her children being exposed to this, it's her nieces/nephews. So OP has no real control over this situation.

@Lanaorana2 have you spoken to your DB/SiL about not being complicit in this? Or better yet, your DM?

Absolutely no way. leave him where he's fallen, think about your children's backs for one. They will be lifting dragging a dead weight, they could permanently damage themselves. I would have no scotch in the house, I would tell him/mum that this terrible behaviour is not acceptable. Maybe if he wasn't put to bed and left where he fell he may rethink this selfish attitude.

Yes I have spoken to them - they're even more shocked than I am at DGF and DGM's antics. Both keen to avoid DC exposure as far as poss.

SIL, bless her, is being diplomatic, but it's no joke having to call and warn your other Xmas guests about her Drunk Dad In Law - in October so they've got time to get used to it.

Dbro is more worried about the hours of drunk rambling.

We're all really upset at being dragged into to play a Lose-Lose Game. By our parents and grandparents, who are supposed to care about us.

"We're all really upset at being dragged into to play a Lose-Lose Game."

Why are they hosting them then?

Why didn't they say no when this request was ade?

What does your mother do when he does this at home? I assume she doesn't try to get him to bed on her own?

Don't get dragged in then, collectively put your feet down and say "NO, this isn't acceptable, it isn't happening, we are not going to enable or normalise this behaviour anymore."

Your dbro and dsil are already stressing and worrying, this is not going to be a happy or relaxed day for anyone because they will all be on tenterhooks waiting for the inevitable.

Why is your brother not stepping up, his wife is ringing other guests to pre-warn them, seriously?

Can you not see how all of you are complicit in the the normalisation and enabling of this?

She has been carrying him herself - but she can't any more. Last time it was a family friend who was staying, the time before it was Dbro.

Trouble is, you can disengage all you like, but when a frail 80 year old man is lying on the floor with a hysterical 80 year old woman screaming and crying beside him, how do you walk away?

"Hours of drunk rambling"

Why can none of you adults not just say its not happening and back each other up. If he cannot last a day without getting drunk and rambling then passing out and spoiling it for everyone else then he doesn't get to come. Its perfectly natural not to want eveyones xmad spoiled due to him.
I imagine everyone will be on tenterhooks all day waiting for him to hit critical mass what a way to spend xmas!

I wouldn’t normally say this because of existing and increasing pressures: but you might have to just call an ambulance and walk away. The more you enable this behaviour the worse it will get - e.g. the grandchildren are now expected to “help”

Believe me, we've tried.

And tried.

And.... tried.

Dad steals drink if we limit it. Last Xmas Dbro found him swigging cider samples from the 90s in the shed.

Why on earth is she screaming and hysterical?
He is blind drunk again not having a heart attack!

She is allowing him to spoil events its his choice to get paralytic nobody elses. Why should you all be part of this sick pantomine every xmas?

Definitely agree with Willow- avoid getting into that situation in the first place if you can

But you are not disengaging are you? You are pandering to the behaviour of both your mum and dad, they are still being invited, guests are being warned, arrangements are being made as to who can carry your dad to his bed, everyone is just sitting around waiting for the inevitable to happen and then excusing it as "It's just the way he is".

The only way to disengage is to make it perfectly clear that you are no longer prepared to put up with it, you are not prepared to let your children witness and suffer this behaviour, you are not prepared to inflict this on your other guests - the invitation is withdrawn. He's had enough chances and ruined enough Christmases.

Do the guests who are warned still turn up?

Why do so many people enable this?

"Dad steals drink if we limit it. Last Xmas Dbro found him swigging cider samples from the 90s in the shed"

Hide it in the locked boot of a car. Get a whiskey bottle and fill it with weak cold tea.

And tell him when he arrives that there is no alcohol at in the house and he is wasting his time looking for some.

Under absolutely no circumstances. I grew up with an alcoholic parent and had to put them to bed many, many times - I remember crying while trying to pull them off a couch or get them to bed while they cursed at me. I also remember the lead-up to family occasions and the feeling of nerves in the pit of my stomach as I monitored their drink intake - and wondered if I gave them more food would they take longer to get drunk. The very fact that this has even been mentioned for the teens to be "on hand" means that his behaviour is not only excused, but positively encouraged. I would not have him in my home if he is going to drink, Christmas or no Christmas, Family or no Family. Children (no matter what age) deserve to relax and feel comfortable in their own homes, not have a pre-arranged responsibility for an adult who can't control himself. I would tell him he's welcome for dinner but if he's going to drink alcohol to the point where he will lose the use of his legs, he can stay at home.

Please don't let him do this to them.

Please don't waste resources by cajoling an ambulance because someone has got themselves pissed!

'Calling' even.