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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Demanding the kids carry Drunk Grandad to bed at Xmas

201 replies

Lanaorana2 · 30/11/2017 19:35

Elderly parents off to stay with their DS and DGCs (three teens) at Xmas. Lovely. DF is an alcoholic. Not so lovely. DM has asked in advance that the DGCs are on hand to 'get Granpa to bed safely'. Dbro and Dsil can't do it on their own, not strong enough.

Granpa, who is 6 foot, will be drunk and a dead weight, needs carrying by two hefty teens to the guest room. At the last family party at their house he had to be carried and put to bed. He walks fine when he hasn't drunk a bottle of scotch.

He falls in his own home often; neither he nor his wife see the need for change. But are they being U or non-U asking their DGC to get involved?

OP posts:
laudanum · 01/12/2017 00:22

I would most emphatically tell them to bugger off. Hmm

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 01/12/2017 00:32

Jeeze people, grandad has a problem so let’s hide it from the teenagers. Shut him away with his booze so it doesn’t offend the kids! god forbid they may have to endure these issues or help to get someone back on track in the future, maybe having your teenage (not babies) DGC helping out might kick DGD back into shape. What is wrong with the younger generation taking care of their elders in any circumstance and learning a bit of responsibility and realising its not all about them.

DixieFlatline · 01/12/2017 00:52

god forbid they may have to endure these issues or help to get someone back on track in the future

Seeing it be tolerated and normalised here is NOT a useful lesson that will help them in that.

ClementineWardrobe · 01/12/2017 01:08

I had an alcoholic grandmother and uncles. I thought, as a child that you filled a glass to about half an inch from the top with scotch then topped it with a dash of cola at a party, that's how adults drank it wasn't it?
My nan could down a hip flask sized bottle of scotch in one long swig. My mum, (her daughter), is teetotal unsurprisingly.
OP please leave grandad where he drops, it's not acceptable to ask them to be involved in this. Good luck

mrsharrison · 01/12/2017 01:10

Op can i get an invite to yours at christmas so i can watch the show?

CheshireChat · 01/12/2017 01:38

allthegoodusernameshavegone My dad was an alcoholic, I truly despised him at the end and was waiting for him to drink himself to death. He finally managed it on my son's first Christmas and the only surprising thing is that it took so long.

PumpkinSquash · 01/12/2017 02:01

Please don’t just “leave him in the garden” as pps have suggested - even with a blanket exposure will likely kill him.

OK, just read through the entire thread and nowhere can I see that Grandad is being left out on his own in the freezing cold garden?! Confused
Apologies if I've missed a post.

CheshireChat · 01/12/2017 02:15

There's one post suggesting they leave him in the snow and chuck a carrot in his mouth, it's clearly semi- light-hearted and not encouraging the OP to leave GD to die.

Melony6 · 01/12/2017 06:00

grandad has a problem so let’s hide it from the teenagers

Well it's not really just a problem, he is slowly killing himself and by 'looking after him' you are contributing to that.

And also heart breaking and distressing and angering for those on the sidelines. Yes, let's make sure the teenagers get to feel all that, especially at Christmas. Let's make sure this distressing shadow colours their family Christmasses.

bastardkitty · 01/12/2017 06:13

I would suggest inpatient rehab would be a better option for him than xmas in a family home. He wouldn't be setting foot in my home and I would be vry clear that my DCs would not want to see him in that state. No question of helping him.

MrSnrubYesThatsIt · 01/12/2017 06:18

Mother of god. This takes codependency to a new level Shock Angry

Cheekyandfreaky · 01/12/2017 06:32

Living with an alcoholic as a teenager is terrifying. Comparing it to helping drunken friends is unhelpful. Mostly your drunken friends may have misjudged their limit or been looking to enjoy alcohol with friends. This is not my experience of alcoholics. Alcoholism whilst an addiction and therefore a disease is selfish. Why should a whole family have to plan to support someone with their destructive behaviour? Having had to help someone to bed as a teenager who got into a paralytic state is not nice and I only learnt that I couldn’t wait to get away from that person.

HuskyMcClusky · 01/12/2017 06:47

How old are these teenagers?

There’s a big difference, to my mind, between 14 and 18.

Trb17 · 01/12/2017 06:50

Please don’t expose the teens to this. It normalises it. A roll model adult showing them it’s acceptable and the rest of their family accepting it too.

It’s scary for teens to see the adults in their lives lose control and it’s cruel to put them in that situation.

Teens might even say it’s fine but trust me, it’s not and will stay with them.

LoniceraJaponica · 01/12/2017 08:11

Jerseysilkvelour’s post is spot on, especially this - If there are never negative consequences to their actions, there is no hope of change.

If the alcoholic never wakes up in a pool of vomit or with their head in a dog bowl because someone has cleaned them up and put them to bed they will never feel that they have reached rock bottom.

Do they have to come to your house for Christmas? If they do can you lock all alcohol away in a car boot or the garage where the GF can’t get at it? Can someone drive them home straight after lunch so that he can get drunk in his own home?

PricklyBall · 01/12/2017 08:12

To the poster upthread who said "but you need to be nice to him to teach your teenagers about looking after people in need..." I realise you're coming fromm a good place, and most of the time it would be a worthy sentiment, and one I'd apply to most illnesses, people fallen on hard times, people who were a bit grumpy but extremely lonely.

But not in the case of alcoholism. You cannot help an alcoholic. No-one can help an alcoholic. If you try, all that will happen is you will be dragged down into hell with them.

LoniceraJaponica · 01/12/2017 08:15

I agree Prickly. I suspect that they have never had to deal with anything like this. I have, and it ain't pretty. You have to become hard hearted - cruel to be kind basically.

Weedsnseeds1 · 01/12/2017 08:46

I know it's easier said than done, but tell them not to come. I finally found the guts to tell my Mother she couldn't come for Christmas. The last two years have been blissful without her staggering around, slurring, picking fights and wetting herself.
A teetotal Christmas wouldn't work, he'll have brought some with him or will search the house to find something, even if it's cooking sherry.

CassandraCross · 01/12/2017 08:59

As another poster mentioned, the Grandfather's behaviour will cast a shadow over the whole day with everyone just waiting for him to drink himself into a stupor and pass out, and the grandchildren knowing that when he does they will be expected to carry him to bed. Even if you decide to leave him where he drops, what happens then - everyone has to go to bed, step over him, ignore the prone figure in the room? Not the definition of a relaxed and happy day, why would you subject them to this?

PramWanker · 01/12/2017 09:20

Aye, I'd be more worried about what a cunt he's likely to be prior to passing out than what happens afterwards. Yes, i know he's sick. It doesn't mean he won't be an annoying cunt and horrible to be around.

Clandestino · 01/12/2017 09:23

Alcoholism is a very selfish addiction. I would never let my DD be around an alcoholic and would never allow her assistance at all.

LakieLady · 01/12/2017 09:45

DPs ex is a functioning alcoholic, and when she gets pissed and passes out, she gets really aggressive if you try to move her. DP has the scars to prove it.

I'd leave the old sot where he falls, tbh.

Clandestino · 01/12/2017 09:49

What is wrong with the younger generation taking care of their elders in any circumstance and learning a bit of responsibility and realising its not all about them.

Wow. This sentence wins the "Bollocks of the Day" award. Even month and it has only just started.
So the younger generation needs to learn caring for the elderly by taking care of an alcoholic? Only by kicking him up his drunken arse.

PramWanker · 01/12/2017 09:51

Yes, I'm going to charitably assume the writer of that sentence was drunk.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 01/12/2017 10:06

@allthegoodusernameshavegone If the grandfather was a recovering alcoholic then you may slightly have a point. However he's not in recovery so why should the other family members have to put up with this selfish behaviour?
Unlike adults, teens are "trapped" and can't make alternative arrangements to avoid seeing this alcoholic behaviour. It's even worse when they see the non-drunk people pandering to the drunk's behaviour and clearing up vomit, cleaning broken stuff and putting up with bollocks that drunks say. (The OP doesn't say that the gf does this not unreasonable to assume that a paralytic drunk might shit In bed, vomit on carpets...)

I have teens and would not tolerate this. It makes drunken behaviour seem normal when it's far from it. Teens who see you clean up your father's vomit from a pre-planned bender won't understand why you'd get angry that you had to clean vomit after their bender. Alcohol can be enjoyed without drinking excessively.

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