Demanding the kids carry Drunk Grandad to bed at Xmas

[Lanaorana2]

Elderly parents off to stay with their DS and DGCs (three teens) at Xmas. Lovely. DF is an alcoholic. Not so lovely. DM has asked in advance that the DGCs are on hand to 'get Granpa to bed safely'. Dbro and Dsil can't do it on their own, not strong enough.

Granpa, who is 6 foot, will be drunk and a dead weight, needs carrying by two hefty teens to the guest room. At the last family party at their house he had to be carried and put to bed. He walks fine when he hasn't drunk a bottle of scotch.

He falls in his own home often; neither he nor his wife see the need for change. But are they being U or non-U asking their DGC to get involved?

I wholly agree with virtually all pps- don't enable and normalise this; it IS different from the same-generation-teen-looking after that they will doubtless go through and learn from. Out of interest, why are the gc in the frame instead of your brother and wife?

I’d leave him in the garden. Getting so drunk you can’t find your way to bed is just disgusting.

Waterproof sheet underneath him, washable blanket on top, recovery position and leave. Hoover the room in the morning.

Jerseysilkvelour completely agree

Lnaorana, can I suggest the "stately homes" threads in the relationships section? They talk a lot about adult children of abusive or in this case alcoholic children being mired in FOG: fear, obligation, guilt. For the outside observer the answer seems obvious- tell the old soak to stay home till he's capable of showing up and staying sober. But from inside it feels more complicated. But what you have to get your head around is that you can't fix him, the only thing you and your brother have control over is how much access to your lives you allow him - and you are not obliged to give him any access at all.

Al Anon talks in terms of the three Cs: you didn't cause this, you can't control it, you can't cure it.

If it was your DM who was the alcy would it be ok for the teens to manhandle her to bed?
Would everyone be fine with that too?

All those people advocating a dry Christmas - bear in mind alcohol withdrawal can be extremely dangerous, sometimes fatal for alcoholics.

teenagers tend to feel very insecure when confronted with out of control behaviour from the adults in their lives who should be modelling responsible behaviour and looking out for them.

This is exactly it.

As many others have said, preferably don’t invite him, or if this isn’t possible and he does get drunk leave him on the floor in the safe airway position and cover him to keep warm.

Much safer all round, he can’t fall out of bed, and the teenagers won’t injure themselves or him manhandling him.

@Melony6. Who is fine with it?

I'm amazed anyone would countenance accommodating this scenario. As if you want to spend boxing day morning cleaning up an alcoholics vomit pile!? Truly, I'd have no guilt telling my parent to stay at home.

I've just had a lightbulb moment.
I'm a recovering alcoholic (8years, go me! 🙌🏻) and although I never drank to black out in front of anyone else I remember helping 2 family members to bed regularly. The one still alive I won't stay with, although I love her dearly.
Don't subject the DC to this. It's normalising it and I now wonder how much of my history is to do with observed behaviour, not just genetics.

Just say no, I wouldnt be having any of that, definitely no children helping him to bed and then having him weeing in the bed etc. No f way.
What about getting him in a nursing home for xmas day and he can pay for proper carers to put up with this nonsense?

Man overboard, at CHRISTMAS, blow up bed in the lounge and a large nappy should sort it.

Sorry but the alcoholic principles apply to many who are not so afflicted at that time too.

Sorry, that's unclear- as a child I remember helping passed out relatives regularly.

I actually would help put him to bed. Just because

• it’s for your Mum
• it’s Christmas Day and again, for your Mum

You want to have a nice evening without him snoring in the corner.

There’s the more sad and serious issue that your
Mum is still with him. That’s her call, but still sad. I’d be telling my kids it’s not really on. But that’s it’s christmas and you love your Mum.

Bear in mind that alcohol dependence is a mental illness. He needs help beyond "just don't drink it".
Suddenly drinking no alcohol at all can cause serious alcohol withdrawal symptoms. In severe cases it could be fatal. This isn't fair to the teenagers, though. (Or anyone, really.) They shouldn't be exposed to it.

I think that the teens know that it's OK to not do it.

Your mum sounds horribly manipulative.

It's her choice to enable an alcoholic.

She can't expect others to.

Presumably she leaves him where he is if he falls at home.

Put him the first aid recovery position, (Google it), and throw a blanket over him. as others have said it is much safer than moving him.

All those people advocating a dry Christmas - bear in mind alcohol withdrawal can be extremely dangerous, sometimes fatal for alcoholics.

^ this

I wonder who all is coming t your house at Christmas. Would you be happy for your boss, religeous leader, neighbours, Pils etc to witness such a situation. I would think not. Therefore why are you subjecting yourself and your teenage children, partner, cat and dog to this.
Either the alcoholic behaves as if teetotal or dont invite. Advise DM that she is enabling him. Do not treat this as normal, it may be your normal but it is not normal for everyone. I am sorry you have this in your family but I do think there is an element of choice in addictions, they chose to drink or take drugs, people get all sorts of illnesses they had no choice in. Alcoholism is selfish and nasty and destructive. Before Christmas take video of him in a state and show him.

Trailed - go you - and thanks for your brave post. Really, thanks so much - that's cut me to the quick, in a good way.

That sounds really depressing. Knowing in advance that your grandfather is going to get so shit faced that he'll need to be carried to bed -Merry Christmas eh?

My answer wouldn't even address the issue of who carries the drunkard to bed. It would be that I'm not going to expose my teens to this and ruin their Christmas so either behave yourself or don't come.

I’d be worried about coming downstairs the next morning.

Have you suggested that your DB/SiL have a teetotal Xmas? And inform dear old Dad that if he brings booze into the house it will be poured down the loo?

What are you all so afraid of? Before I'd let someone like your dad ruin my Xmas, I'd declare booze off limits and tell him he's not welcome if he can't respect my rules.

My DB is a recovering alcoholic and there have been times we've had no booze at family parties out of respect for his struggles. I assure you that a wonderful time was still had by all. Booze is not a requirement for fun. In your DF's case, it's quite the opposite!

I was sort of hoping seeing DGF in such a state would put the teens off a life of debauch - anyone agree?

NO OP!! It will normalise it for them and encourage them to think it's acceptable.

No way would I expect my sons to deal with that.