Demanding the kids carry Drunk Grandad to bed at Xmas

[Lanaorana2]

Elderly parents off to stay with their DS and DGCs (three teens) at Xmas. Lovely. DF is an alcoholic. Not so lovely. DM has asked in advance that the DGCs are on hand to 'get Granpa to bed safely'. Dbro and Dsil can't do it on their own, not strong enough.

Granpa, who is 6 foot, will be drunk and a dead weight, needs carrying by two hefty teens to the guest room. At the last family party at their house he had to be carried and put to bed. He walks fine when he hasn't drunk a bottle of scotch.

He falls in his own home often; neither he nor his wife see the need for change. But are they being U or non-U asking their DGC to get involved?

Thanks so so so much - you can guess that DM has been working on her beloved children, casting us as the villains of the piece for trying to refuse.

I’m with Ttbb I’d be inviting them on the understanding that my house would be alcohol free.

I could not sit with my children and watch someone down a bottle of scotch and then normalise it by roping them in to help.

I’m sorry OP it must be a miserable situation.

WTF? Of course they don't have to carry a drunkard to bed. Leave him where he is (or hand out permanent markers so they can decorate him).

" Mates do things for each other and with one another that are inappropriate between different generations of family members."

Inappropriate how? Genuine ask.

He wouldn't be coming for Christmas.

Accidentally getting sloshed is one thing. Planning how to relocate a comatose alcoholic with the help of the grandkids?! That's not on at all.

I mean putting a pisshead to bed is putting a pisshead to bed no matter who isn't it?

I, too, would be leaving him where he sleeps, ideally in the recovery position. How does he normally get to bed?

However, I can't quite understand the moral panic about asking teenagers to look after a family member who is ill (which is what addiction is, an illness). I had caring responsibilities for a grandparent when I was in my teens (not addiction related) and frankly one off lifting would have been the least of my worries. If they are physically capable, they will be fine. There's also the added bonus of them seeing what alcoholism does to someone, if they don't regularly see their DGF. It's unlikely to put them off binge drinking (as most teenagers 18+ have a tendency towards), but having an awareness of how someone becomes an alcoholic and what it does to them and those around them is no bad thing.

I really can't see it's that bad as a one off, though I appreciate I'm the dissenting voice on this thread.

I was sort of hoping seeing DGF in such a state would put the teens off a life of debauch - anyone agree?

No.

No way would my kids be risking serious back injuries carrying a dead weight of a drunk man.
Tell dm to jog on. Throw a blanket ovet him wherever he passes out and leave him. His decision to get paralytic he can sleep where he lands.
Tbh i would be telling them if he cant stay off the booze for one night dont bother coming.

I think leaving him where he lies would be the better option for all concerned. Mainly because when he wakes up on a cold floor whilst everyone else is in bed, he can ponder why nobody looked after him. And the answer should be "why should someone else make sure he's safe, when he's got so little regard for his own body?"

Getting pissed at Christmas and having a laugh is par for the course in my house. Having to pre-plan the relocation of a grandparent so they don't choke on their own alcoholic vomit is not par for anyone's course.

If you do find someone that drunk, you don't move them about. Roll to recovery position so they dont choke. Keep an eye until help arrives.

Deal for grandpa is he gets help with his illness and he isn't welcome otherwise.

It isnt a rite of passage for teens. Saddo swilling like this is disgusting. The British seem to see it is a jolly jape but it really isn't.

I mean putting a pisshead to bed is putting a pisshead to bed no matter who isn't it?

Totally different situation though. The reason teens get drunk "at the local hangout" is because they know their parents wouldn't allow it at home. I would never let my children drink until they pass out in my house (and I'd give them a bollocking if they did it anywhere else too), so why should I allow it for an adult relative? Not in my house, and not with pre-booked care from my kids.

I think it probably would put them off; how old are they? It is sad that this behaviour has become so normalised that wife thinks it’s a reasonable request. It is really up to the teens themselves if they are 18 or so ; these things do happen- but actually I agree he would be better on the floor with some warm covering.

Don't be drawn into the alcoholic's manipulation. Your DM is doing a spectacular job of enabling him but that doesn't mean you have to. She's setting it all up for him - he can get as pissed as he likes, she cleans up the mess for him, never mind the effect it has on everyone. Alcoholism is so manipulative.

It's not for him or DM to set the rules as to what happens at Christmas at your house. You set your rules, if they don't like it they don't come. Be firm. If you don't want drinking, say so. If you don't want your kids to run the risk of being emotionally scarred by hauling their comatose grandparent robbed, say so.

It's a horrible disease to deal with, I know first hand. If there are never negative consequences to their actions, there is no hope of change.

I would have thought that depends on the teens and what they've encountered before, what their relationship with their GF is like, what their cultural norms are and on their own personal resilience surely?
Many teens won't feel insecure at all.

i think its disgusting and if sh feels so bad why not stay at home with the drunk dh and sort it herself

This might be a silly question but can he be not allowed to help himself to drink and just have a drink when everyone else gets served one? Perhaps a teen could more usefully be out on drinks cupboard guard duty? (And not have any Scotch in the house?)

Like what beetroot said, it's one thing sorting out an accidental drunk but to be preparing a strategy in advance with even the poor gc involved. No way. What does he have to say about all these arrangements for his inevitable drunkenness going on behind his back?

And that's not me trying to say that this behaviour is ok...it's not. But it's not necessarily something to wring one's hands over either. It depends on the circumstances.

Oh god no to the carrying to bed! How bloody grim!

I leave my elderly alcoholic father on the sofa after he's drank himself into a stupor. Then I go to bed and read for a bit while I wait for the almighty crash. Then I try and wake dh to come downstairs with me to help him up (my dad is also 6 foot). He will have been attempting to go to the toilet, sometimes after falling he no longer needs to go. Which is nice. I find the blood stains on the sofa are the hardest to get of as he normally has a variety of injuries the next morning. He also breaks a lot of pictures etc.

I have two adult children, it's unfair on all of us at Christmas. Selfish bastard. My dad's widowed, when his wife was alive I never invited them for Christmas and I wouldn't in this situation - it's not like he'll be on his own.

Why does anyone have to move him?! He wants to drink at Christmas, fine. He's a grown adult though, if he gets too pissed to get to bed that's his own bloody fault!
Definitely second the idea of chucking a blanket over him and letting him sleep where he lies eventually passes out
Much safer and less hassle for everyone involved!
I say this as someone who likes a drink --or three- myself