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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to try for DC5 in case it's a girl.

334 replies

wonder1ng · 30/11/2017 09:35

I'm 37, DH is 42 and we have 4 boys (7, 5 and non-identical twins just turned 3). So two in school now and the twins go to a nursery playgroup 9 - 12.15 on 3 mornings a week.

My AIBU is that I know DH would love a girl and he's now talking about going for DC5 as "you only live once." Obviously, he knows there are no guarantees, but he claims he would be happy with another boy anyway.

I feel conflicted about it because I'm just starting to get some time back now the twins are in playgroup. I worry if a fifth child would mean I'm spreading myself too thinly - e.g. when we go on holiday, I'd like to be able to do things with the boys we have rather than always being in the sideline "holding the baby." Also I worry about added financial pressure on DH with the school fees and everything else (though he claims it won't make much difference) and while I know some families who have 4 DC, I don't know any who have 5!

AIBU to say 5 DC might be a step too far and DH should just accept that he has 2 nieces and focus on them?!

OP posts:
cheminotte · 30/11/2017 15:02

Not read past page 2.
Personally I think having a 3rd child to try and get the other sex is silly, but a FIFTH! That would be truly bonkers.

ConkerGame · 30/11/2017 15:05

Tell your DP not to forget a daughter could be a tomboy and not in the slightest bit interested in pink/dresses/dolls etc - would he still be as keen then or does he only want a girl if she can be a princess?

PleaseDontGoadTheToad · 30/11/2017 15:20

To the poster saying that boy/girl twins are very rarely identical- that gave me a chuckle.
They are never identical because errrr one is a boy and one is a girl!

You can chuckle away all you want however that will not change the fact that it is possible for boy/girl twins to be identical. Is it common/likely to happen? Nope. Is it impossible? Nope.

HildaZelda · 30/11/2017 15:27

A friend of mine had 2 boys and went for number 3 because she wanted a girl. Number 3 was a boy, so she went for number 4. Number 4 was a boy. Yup, you've guessed it, she went for number 5 and finally 'got my girl' as she puts it. Her own mother told her on number 4 that she needed to stop, but she wouldn't listen to anyone. She freely admits that if number 5 hadn't been a girl, then there would have been a number six. I often wonder how her brothers feel knowing that their sister is the one Mum really wanted.

WellThisIsShit · 30/11/2017 15:30

wonder, if you ever saw me looking at you and your children, I wouldn’t be looking in horror or judgement, but with longing and interest.

I’d do anything to have more than one. For DS, as well as me. Each one of your boys will be loved and they will love each other too. They have fun together and can amuse each other too.

All of that will not happen for me or DS. And you should remember how wonderful all your brood are, and it’s wonderdyl you all have each other too. Ignore anyone who says otherwise!

But only have another if you really want to, not just because of your husbands idealised hope for a girl.

Idratherhaveacupoftea · 30/11/2017 15:37

I worked with a young woman who had 10 Sisters. Can you imagine the hormones in that house Confused

noeffingidea · 30/11/2017 15:53

My Mum's aunt had 9 girls, no boys.
And (yes this is looking on the negative side) - I was lucky enough to have a girl after 2 boys. Which is exactly what I wanted except my darling little girl is now a severely autistic 17 year, who has actually made my life hell at times. How I wish I had stuck at 2 boys.
Point is, people get a vision in their heads of what they want their perfect family to be and sometimes that isn't what you get. Just consider the worst case scenario, and if you could cope with that.

LoniceraJaponica · 30/11/2017 16:06

That's a sobering thought from noeffingidea

Quit while you're ahead.

formerbabe · 30/11/2017 16:11

You could look at other options like adoption? At least then it's guaranteed

Brilliant! Only on MN! That's what you do. Rock up at the council and tell them that despite having 4 healthy boys, you'd love a girl and you'd prefer to adopt because if you get pregnant naturally, you can't guarantee it will be a girl and you don't want to risk another boy. A member of staff will dash back to the office and return with a perfect baby girl for you to take home.

drspouse · 30/11/2017 16:35

PleaseDont Erm so they're identical except for their genetics and their genitals? In other words they aren't. What on earth do you think identical twins means?

deadringer · 30/11/2017 16:38

I know someone in your shoes op, went for baby number 5 in hopes of a girl and had triplets! All boys BTW. I have five and it's expensive and bloody hard work. If you are only 50/50 about another baby babies don't do it!

Original poster
wonder1ng · 30/11/2017 16:39

Thankyou everyone. Some sobering perspectives. I do worry that going for number 5 might be pushing our luck as well. I don't take anything for granted.

I wouldn't say DH is a bully, but he has surprised me by how much he seems to want this. He even said if we have a girl, he wants her to have his mother's name as her middle name!

To the PP who asked, I don't have any plans to return to work for a while because I would find it too much with the boys and I don't really want to involve after-school help because to me that's just another thing to organise.

I have a lot to think about and thanks again.

OP posts:
Lancelottie · 30/11/2017 16:53

What on earth do you think identical twins means?
It's just the colloquial term for monozygotic twins, surely? You can have boy/girl twins with (nearly) identical chromosomes except for the split of the Xs and Ys. But it's vanishingly rare.

PleaseDontGoadTheToad · 30/11/2017 17:18

@drspouse it has already been explained at least twice on this thread how it's possible for boy/girl twins to be identical.

Original poster
wonder1ng · 30/11/2017 17:24

Our twins are not really alike at all, in fact one looks like DS1 more than his twin. I don't think having fraternal twins means you're any more likely to have identical - or am I wrong?

OP posts:
Uptheduffy · 30/11/2017 17:27

You need one of your sons to transition. Job done.

songbird84 · 30/11/2017 17:29

Another set of school fees won’t make a difference?

PleaseDontGoadTheToad · 30/11/2017 17:32

You need one of your sons to transition. Job done.

Grin
SlowlyShrinking · 30/11/2017 17:42

OR just get your dh to identify as someone who’s not arsed about having a girl

CaptainBrickbeard · 30/11/2017 17:44

On the transitioning point, what if you have a girl who then identifies as transgender and wants to live as a boy? Girls are transitioning in high numbers at the moment; it isn't an outlandish idea. How would your husband cope with that?

Fwiw, my littlest boy loves pink, baking, crafts and his baby doll. Neither of my boys are into football or any sports actually. Your hypothetical daughter may not fit the gender stereotypes your husband is hoping for.

More to the point, you don't sound like you want this. I can't understand why you would feel any guilt for not indulging him on this.

rachelracket · 30/11/2017 17:44

if you have 4 boys it's really h likely you'll have a girl. apparently the probability goes down and down the more of the same sex you have. read it on the internet ¯(ツ)/¯ i have 1 boy and will be trying to acidify my vagina to conceive a girl

Pearlsaringer · 30/11/2017 17:44

With four DC there’s a good chance he will get at least one DGD. Could he not just hang on for that?

cheminotte · 30/11/2017 17:45

Brillotic has it spot on. Do YOU want another child? Yes - go for it. No - tell your DH you're done. Your body, your choice.

HappyLollipop · 30/11/2017 17:54

What do you want OP? You keep mentioning your husband but like you said he works long hours it's you that has to deal with your 4 kids on a daily basis. I'd say stop at 4 if your only reason is you'd like a girl! Enjoy your newfound independence and watching your boys grow up into men that may one day give you grandchildren and the chances are one of them will have a girl will be pretty high so you'd get the benefits of spoiling them without the same hard work as raising them full time!

PippaPiper · 30/11/2017 17:55

I have the opposite to you op, 4 dds, 3&4 are twins. I'd rather have boiled my head than try for number 5 in hope of a boy!
Dd1 recently gave birth to a boy, we now have a boy by default Smile
Your body your choice op.